Lou Mongello Breaks Disney Record

Lou Mongello, author and host of the WDW Radio Show did something no one in the history of Disney World was ever been able to accomplish. At this years Food and Wine Festival in Epcot, he ate everything!

“I’ve seen a few people eat one everything, but I’ve never seen someone actually eat everything,” Stated Jabba the Hutt – Food and Wine enthusiast.

Mr. Mongello started eating at the first booth around 11am. He kept eating his way around the world over the next eight hours. It is estimated he consumed four hundred and five pounds of food and over eighty gallons of wine.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. His wife had to literally roll him through the last two countries. It’s a good thing no one got in the way when she was rolling him or they’d be a pancake now,” stated Disney fan favorite Goofy.

Many people were amazed by the display of digestive fortitude. Words such as epic, amazing, inspirational, and disturbing were uttered by many.

Some were not as impressed by the display of joyful gluttony. A number people complained that there was no food left for anyone else and demanded a refund. Remy the Rat was upset that all the hard work he put into making his world famous Ratatouille was erased in less than three seconds.

“I made enough Ratatouille for one hundred people and he inhaled before I could blink,” Remy exclaimed.

It is unknown if Lou will attempt the feat again before the festival closes. If he does the chefs will be ready next time and have additional food and wine to bring out after he rolls out of the park.

Disney Promotions

Disney has done a lot of promotions over the years. Some have seemed to work well while others just…happened. I remember a few of these promotions quite well. For example the 15 year celebration was memorable. 15 years isn’t really a big mile stone so now I’m rather surprised that Disney decided to do a promo for it. What they did was fun and created excitement. Random people entering the parks got selected to win a prize. It really didn’t cost all much to pull that off. The average who was picked won something that wasn’t worth much monetarily but they’ll remember that day.

The 25^th anniversary is another one I remember. I don’t remember any giveaways but I remember that Disney made a big deal about it. They invited everyone to come be a part of the celebration. It worked. We ended up going that year. A cast member also mentioned that there had been a noticeable spike in attendance during that promotion. I’m guessing a lot of the “once in a lifetime” people went then. Maybe it was the cake castle.

The “Year of a Million Dreams” took what was started during the “15 year” promo and kicked it up a notch. Instead of being snagged as you entered, you could be snagged at anytime and anywhere in the parks. You could get on a ride just to find out you just won a pin or some other prize. Most of the items were small or didn’t cost Disney anything but they sure did get people excited. For most people the idea that you could get picked to stay in the castle was in the back of their heads during their trip. That alone spiced things up a little.

“What Will You Celebrate?” followed the “Year of a Million Dreams.” Nothing really excited me about this promotion. My wife’s work is crazy busy when I could have gotten into the parks for free. We had another vacation planned for when my wife could have gotten in for free. What other reason would we have to go? It really limits your options. Typically only one or two people could use that per party. Beyond that it’s expensive on Disney’s end. Think about it. Instead of the $5 to $10 dollar prize you’re doing a $75 dollar prize. It’s a nice gesture but sadly it didn’t generate the excitement that some of the other promotions did.

I really wonder what’s next. I know I jokingly said that the next promotion would be “Come Be Broke With Us!” and it would consist of all of the characters dressed as bums while they panhandle from the guests. I don’t think I need to say that isn’t going to happen. We’ll just have to wait a few weeks. Normally during the last quarter of the year Disney either extends the current promotion or starts a new one. With the economy the way it is I can’t see them doing nothing.

Disney Releases Travel Advisory

Around noon on September 28^th, 2009, Disney released an official warning to anyone planning on traveling to Disney World from February 26^th to March 4^th, 2010. Disney has been informed that The Cousin Mickey Doesn’t Talk About will be raiding the parks between those dates.

Any guests who are brave enough to visit the parks on those dates can expect increased shenanigans, food shortages at random restaurants, and general mayhem.

In the warning the following dining locations were listed as potential danger zones:

Brown Derby – DHS

Tusker House – AK

Kazunia – Board Walk Resort

The Crystal Palace – Magic Kingdom

San Angel Inn – Epcot

Garden Grill – Epcot

Canada – Epcot

Chef Mickey’s – Contemporary Resort

Hoop Dee Doo Review – Fort Wilderness

California Grill – Contemporary Resort

In addition specific parks were mentioned for specific dates. On the 26^th – DHS. On the 27^th – AK. On the 28^th – MK. On the 1^st – EP. On the 2^nd – EP. On the 3^rd – MK. However, it appears that on the 4^th all parks could be affected equally.

Check back often for more details on this serious travel event.

Princess Separate Meet and Greet Areas Demanded – Not Desired

One of the new features of the Fantasy Land expansion is going to be separate meet and greet areas for each of the princesses. This might seem odd on the surface. Why not have a princesses pavilion, so you can meet them all at once? After all the Tinker Bell and her other fairy buddies hang out in the same place.

The reason for separate locations becomes apparent when you look at the princesses history. For years Disney has had their hands full. Behind the scenes the princesses are a bunch of moody, backstabbing pre-Madonna’s. After decades of violence the only sensible way to control the situation was to keep them separated.

The initial cost for building each area is expected to be recouped in saved medical expenses. Over the years the princesses have racked up quite a bill. Here are just a few examples:

- Belle had to have a nose job after she took a glass slipper to the face.

- Ariel and Jasmine needed hair plugs after some of their hair was “extracted” during a tussle.

- Aurora was in a neck brace for a month after taking a pumpkin to the head.

- Snow White was in the hospital for a week after getting run over by a flying carpet.

- Cinderella ended up in the hospital after she was “accidently” knocked down the stairs.

To ensure the safety of the cast members and guests, the imagineers who designed the animal enclosures in Animal Kingdom were enlisted to design the new princess locations. Each location has carefully disguised barb wire fences, barriers, pitfalls, and other fortifications to prevent ambushes.

In addition plans are in place for each princess to have their prince appear with them. On the surface this seems like a ploy to get them into the parks. In reality the princes will be serving as body guards / peacekeepers.

In a recent interview Prince Charming admitted that the princesses do indeed despise each other but the princes get along great and frequently “drink around the world” together.

Only time will tell if the new meet and greet locations prevent the violence and blood shed from continuing.

Buy 4 Get 3 Free Making a Comeback?

Everyone who held out and waited and crossed their fingers that Disney would bring back one of their best deals of all time can jump for joy. According to a reliable source the buy four get three nights free promo will be making a comeback next week.

Keep in mind that if this pans out we could see a big spike in attendance at the Disney parks. This means you will want to spend some extra time in planning your trip. Check the crowd levels before you pick your days. You can get that info on a site like tourinplans.com. Also use a touring plan if you are planning on going to a park on a busy day. It will save you time.

Will I be there? Yes. I’m one of the people who was holding out. I even blocked off the time I wanted months ago. It was a gamble but it looks like it’s going to pay out. I’ll announce later when I’m going to be there so everyone can avoid me.

The Country Bear Jamboree

Love or hate it the Country Bear Jamboree has been around long enough to be listed as a classic. It’s been a Frontier Land hotspot for over 30 years. It’s also now a unique ride. Its sister was shut down in Disney Land years ago to make way for Pooh.

Located in the rustic Grizzly Hall which is a building designed to look like a log cabin. This attraction fits perfectly in Frontier Land. The entry way / holding tank for this ride can get a little cramped. Everyone piles inside the front of the building where there are some benches and fun posters / paintings. Normally you don’t have to wait too long. The show isn’t that long and because of the queue area long waits are uncommon.

Once the doors open you enter into a large old fashion theater room that is a mix between an opera house and a movie theater. There is red carpet all over the place, padded benches to sit on, and some taxidermy animal heads on the wall. At least that’s what they look like.

The show itself consists of various country music ballads and in a tongue and cheek style. The show can be funny at times and is entertaining. During the show you realize that the stuffed animal heads on the walls are actually part of the show and they interact with each other and the bears on stage.

The show has a certain charm but might bore teenagers or hyperactive children. However even they will enjoy the air conditioning on the brutally hot days.

This show is classic Disney. It’s not something you are going to find in another theme park. Its days could be numbered. As audiences change and people only flashy or extreme entertainment to feel that they are getting value, the crowds at the Country Bear Jamboree have been waning.

If you haven’t had a chance to enjoy this classic attraction, do it soon. It might not be around much longer. Don’t worry though. On my next trip I’ll snag a video of it…as long as it’s not already closed.

WDW Today Starts Their Fifth Season without a Fatality

WDW Today has started their fifth season. Even more amazing is the fact that no one has died during an episode yet. Why is that an amazing fact? Consider the following facts.

Twice, not once, but twice the members of podcast ate around the world. You’d think after nearly rupturing their stomachs the first time common sense would have taken over. I will say that those episodes have been informative. If not for those episodes we wouldn’t know the danger of nachos, the pain of peach tea slime, or the joys of chugging maple syrup.

Mexico has a tequila bar and Len is still breathing. Despite his best efforts Len is still around. That’s a good thing too. Without Len our knowledge of alcohol in Disney World would be sub par. We also wouldn’t know the joys of WDW Transportation.

Scopa is still alive. That’s quite an accomplishment. Let’s see how good you look when you’re passing Master Yoda in the year count. He hasn’t laughed himself to death either. Sometimes he’s come close. We’re all happy Scoppa is still with us too. Without him we wouldn’t know about Scopa Towers, the Scopa special, or how to treat ancient people in the parks.

Matt hasn’t died of a heart attack on Dinosaur. We really need to get a camcorder and tape Matt next time he’s on Dinosaur. I’d pay to see that. Just don’t forget to bring a change of underwear for him. We all love Matt because he makes us feel smart when he tries to pronounce any name from New England. I’m sure he does other stuff too but that’s the most important thing.

Newell is still around despite his eating at Hooters everyday. We all know Newell loves Hooters. Matt told us so. If you eat at Hooters everyday it’s going to take a toll on your health. Without Newell we wouldn’t know that the human stomach can fit an entire order of nachos and still fit in a food item from every other country. He also brought us the bell which we all miss.

Annette didn’t choke to death on glitter. If you think that’s nothing, you haven’t been to that awful boutique in the castle. Annette was kidnapped, forced into the chair, then accosted. Through her incredible grit she survived. Which is good, we need someone to inhale helium balloons, be the whipping boy, and make sure the boys take at least one bath a week.

Only time will tell if they can make it through another season without, massive property damage, serious injuries, or being sued.

Cruising

My wife isn’t a Disney fan so for this year’s vacation I had to do something she’d like. I ended up booking a cruise through NCL. I’ll start by saying my first impression with NCL was not a good one.

We went on an Alaskan cruise aboard the Pearl. The weather was great, Alaska was amazing, but rest was just average.

I’ve been on Carnival, Royal Caribbean, and NCL. Carnival and Royal Caribbean are much better than NCL. NCL came out with “Freestyle Dining.” Another word for freestyle dining is gimmick. Freestyle Dining allows you to go to select restaurants for dinner whenever you want. I say select restaurants because only a few of them are free. Yes, NCL discovered a way to get people to pay for food on a cruise. If you don’t go to one of the pay restaurants you get average food. All of the expensive items have been removed from the menus.

Being the kind of guy I am, I asked why the other cruise lines offered items like filet, lobster, baked Alaska, and the other classics and NCL didn’t. The answer was so dumb my brain grinded to a halt and refused to work anymore. I was told that guests were tired of the usual fare and wanted something new. So in other words, you took that to mean that your guests were tired of good food and wanted cheap sub-par slop.

My other big complaint about NCL was the ship. It was ugly. What a tacky ship. It reminded me of a retirement home. It was completely unimpressive too. Both Carnival and RC had massive atriums and other impressive architecture. NCL had nothing impressive.

So why did I pick NCL? I’m willing to give second chances and they offered the best deal. However, if NCL doesn’t show dramatic improvement I’ll never cruise on them again unless someone else is paying for it.

The stops for this cruise include: Costa Maya – Mexico, Honduras, Belize, and some private island in the Bahamas. I’ve never been to Costa Maya. I’m not expecting much. I’ve been to other places in Mexico and was never overly impressed. I’ve never been to Honduras so that one is a total wild card. I’ve been to Belize. Belize is very nice. Great place to go see some ruins if you’ve never done that before. They also sell cashew wine there. That’s great stuff. I’ve been to about 25 different places in the Caribbean but have never been anywhere in the Bahamas. This won’t count either. It’s just a private island and those can be hit or miss.

I should be excited about going on vacation but after going to Disney last year, I’m not. It’s hard to get pumped up about an everyday cruise. If it was Alaska I’d be pumped up about it. I’m sure I’ll get a little excited as it draws closer.

Did the Expo Make D23 Worth It?

No. Does that answer your question?

I’ve already done a few posts on D23 including a post on how it could be fixed and turned into a cash cow. The recent expo in Anaheim did little to change my opinion on D23. When I saw what went down there I realized that the expo really had little to do with D23 and more to do with Disney marketing. The expo was simply a Disney expo. I’d have a hard time really calling it a fan meet (which a D23 expo should have been). If you want to do a fan club expo there is one simple rule. The fans have to be the focus. That means the fans run it, the do presentations, and so on. When a corporation plans and executes everything, it’s not a fan meet.

Lets forget about what the expo was for a minute. How many people had the ability to make it to Anaheim California to attend the expo? I know that was out of the question for me. I’m guessing a majority of the Disney fans east of the Mississippi were in the same boat. So what does that leave me? A discount at Disney on Broadway is something. Only problem is I’m not going to drive five hours each way to go see a play. If it his Boston I might consider it.

Is there anything else? Yes! Don’t forge the magazine! Ok I might enjoy that but I won’t enjoy paying $75 for a magazine subscription.

How about the special parties in Disney World for D23 members? Let me get this straight, to maximize the benefit of my membership I should plan a trip to Disney World based on the dates D23 members get the free stuff. In other words I paid $75 to get into a free party that is going to cost at least $2,000 to attend.

I could go over the rest of the benefits but it doesn’t get any better. The final head scratcher is the fact that the D23 expo let anyone in who was willing to pay for a ticket. You didn’t even need to be a member of D23.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Strange Tides

I loved the first pirates film. I think most people would agree that it was the best of the three movies. The second pirates film was entertaining but it went a little nuts as far as the story went. The third pirates film was crap. I hated it. It had a few funny parts but it was mostly bizarre and more of a fantasy film than an action film.

It’s official. There is going to be a pirates four entitled “On Strange Tides.” I’m not excited at all. After the last two films there is nothing that would lead me to believe this movie will be good. I think the use of the term “strange” will be fitting. The last two movies were so strange they led me to think they were having an identity crisis and couldn’t figure out what they wanted to be.

Right now we know very little about the movie. We know that the basic idea is Sparrow vs. Barbosa with a female pirate who eggs them on. We also know Orlando Bloom will not be returning so the whole “Flying Dutchman” story should be gone.

Joining Orlando on the not returning list is Keira Knightley (there goes my interest in the movie). She had a good character. She was nice and balanced. I can’t imagine what the new female character is going to be like. If it’s anything like Calypso I’ll be avoiding this movie.

My hope is that Disney will hire a writer who will try and redirect the series back to a pirate movie and away from the unexplainable mess it’s become. What made the first one so good was the fact that you could relate to a lot of the things in it. It felt like a good old pirate action movie with treasure, sword fighting, sea battles, and grog swilling scoundrels.

My fear is we’ll see more sea monsters, magic, gods, demented afterlife’s, a heart in a box that are still beating, an army of undead, special effects gone crazy, and a guy with an octopus face. I think I’ll be able to tell by the trailers alone if this is going to be a movie I wan to see.

Disney to Expand Holiday Decorations

Disney has always gone over the top when it comes to holiday decorations. If you’ve been to Disney World after the last week of October you’ve seen one of the largest and most in depth decoration schemes anywhere.

One of the central parts of Disney’s holiday decorations is the Osborne Family Lights display. This insane display contains millions of lights and is enormous. It is one of the biggest displays in the world.

“We’ve always been one of the biggest but that’s not good enough. We must be the biggest! Anything else is just second place. To ensure we are the biggest, we will be expanding the Osborne display,” President of XS Tech said in a recent press conference.

The new display will include an estimated five billion lights making it easily the largest single holiday display in the world.

The following was taken from a fact sheet that will be handed out to each guest at Disney Hollywood Studios during the holiday season:

- Contains five billion lights

- Can be seen from the moon

- If someone stands between you and the display you will be able to see their skeleton

- After five minutes of exposure to the lights without sun block you will get a sun burn

- When the display is turned on the rolling blackouts hit the entire east coast of the United States and the lights dim in China

- The temperature in the center of the display frequently exceeds 350 degrees Fahrenheit

- Uses enough power in one night to light the entire east coast for a week

Look for the new display this holiday season. If you cannot make it to Disney World but live within 700 miles of Disney World, just look for the glow on the horizon.

Star Tours Part II

When I first heard about a new version of Star Tours I was excited. I thought it was a great idea. I stayed excited until I saw the short clip that was released. The clip had pod racing in it. Out of all of the things in the Star Wars universe someone had to pick pod racing.

I understand that it’s just one scene and that the rest of the film will be other stuff. That doesn’t really help. Episode one was such a mess of a movie it almost killed Star Wars. Episode two is the fifth best move coming in only slightly better than the episode one. Episode three was decent but after the first two it was hard to enjoy. Now we are going to do a whole ride based on the first two movies. That’s not easy. You’ll have to replace / overhaul the ride vehicle. Why? Don’t forget the original Star Tours takes place about 20 to 40 years after the proposed replacement. Are you going to tell me that the ship in Star Tours was at least twenty years old?

Now you see the big problem with doing a prequel when it comes to a ride. You want it to be big and flashy but you can’t make it more impressive than the first one without blowing the story line. That means no windows. Why would windows have been removed over time? You’ll also need to look out and not use any other impressive technology or you face the problem of blowing the story.

There is one way out. Make the ship time travel. They you can have all of the fancy stuff you want without blowing the story. The problem with time travel is it’s already been done. How many time traveling rides do you want? Dinosaur is still running and the Time Keeper didn’t disappear all that long ago.

They could have saved a lot of headaches by avoiding the whole prequel thing.

Fantasy Land Overhaul

When I was a kid I liked Fantasy Land. The dark rides were great for a kid who didn't like intense rides. As I got older I found myself going to Fantasy Land less and Less. The dark rides were still fun but the rest really started to fall flat. Dumbo was just a glorified carnival ride. The Teacups were about the same. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was shut down and replaced with a meet and greet. Then they ripped out Mr. Toad and replaced it with a barely passable Pooh ride. The only thing that still drew me was Peter Pan and sometimes Snow White.

Now Disney has announced a massive overhaul / expansion. I'll start by saying the whole princess thing has been over done but if it makes money Disney is going to do it. Sadly it looks like a big part expansion is going to be princess meet and greets. However, the planned Beast's Castle includes a restaurant. That sounds good. Only one problem. Rumor has it that it will be a quick service during lunch and a sit down during dinner. I really think it needs to be one or the other. If you do a hybrid it'll typically end up being a low volume (comparably) quick service or a low quality sit down. The two types of dining have completely different needs as far as logistics go.

I still won't be riding it but the update to Dumbo will be good. Dumbo is Disney classic even if it's cheap carnival ride. Expanding the ride is a good idea. The line might look small but that is one of the slowest loading rides in operation. The fact that they are placing it in a circus tent is great. It'll really help it's overall story.

The new Little Mermaid dark ride will get me to go over to Fantasy Land even if I just ride it once. I've never ridden the one out in California but I've heard good things about it. From the concept art it looks like it's going to be huge too. This has to be the best part about this expansion.

Another great thing about this expansion is the removal of Toon Town. I've never spent more than two minutes in Toon Town. It was an area so geared at one demographic that anyone without kids had no reason to venture there unless they were a character hunter. It looks like Pooh's Playful spot it going to eat bullet too. I'm not upset about that. It always seemed like an after thought to me.

It looks like the Goofy roller coaster is sticking around. Rumor has it that it is going to be converted into a Dumbo roller coaster. That's ok but I think it would be nicer if it went in another direction. Why not take the opportunity to add another movie that doesn't have a representative in the parks already? Why not 101 Dalmatians, Bambi, or Rambo ride (yes the last one is a joke).

I'm glad Disney is doing something with this area. Seems like a number of places in Disney World have fallen apart recently. This really seems like it'll polish up a crumbling area of the Magic Kingdom.

Did Someone Forget to Google It?

From time to time a product comes out that is so poorly thought out that one’s brain grinds to a halt and refuses to work. When your brain finally reboots itself you always utter the same expression, “What were they thinking!”

If you need an example of what I am talking about, consider this. In support of the Harry Potter movie where they fly around on broomsticks a “Magical Broomstick” was developed. It was a plastic broomstick that required batteries. What did the batteries do? Did the broomstick have lights that flashed? Maybe it made some fun noises that kids love. WRONG! The batteries made the broomstick vibrate. I’m not kidding. Some mental giant thought that would be a good idea. What is even more shocking is that the product made it onto store shelves before it was pulled. Thankfully some parent somewhere must have reminded the toy makers that making something vibrate that a kid is going to stick between his legs is a shockingly bad idea.

In another case that will fry your head, a software giant in the US top 500 companies thought they would take all of the credit union software vendors they owned and group them under one name. They called it CU7. The idea was there were seven different vendors that served credit unions. Apparently the marketing department forgot to Google CU7 before pulling the trigger and blowing a massive amount of money in marketing and logistics. What was the problem? When you Googled CU7 you got a hit for the credit union thing but you also got a hit for the IUD called CU7 and the combat / hunting knife called CU7. Brilliant!

What does Disney have to do with this post? The answer is simple – Deebees. Right off the bat I had a “what were they thinking” moment. I’ll let you Google it to find out what it is. Many of you already see the problem. For those of you who don’t let me fill you in. If you heard Deebees would you have thought it was spelled like that? I didn’t. I thought it was DBs at first. In a world where millions if not billions of texts are sent everyday DBs has a very specific meaning. It’s a crude insult related to a certain feminine hygiene product. To call someone a DB is vulgar and insulting. So you can understand why my jaw dropped when I heard Disney was releasing a bunch of Deebees.

I’m amazed that in this day and age that when an idea is created that a tool like the internet isn’t utilized. Even if you skip the internet, ask your kids and your friends. Someone should have raised their hand and said “we really shouldn’t call them that.” Then again if Disney always did that I wouldn’t have much to write about.

Mourners Expelled from the Magic Kingdom for Trespassing

A group of crying toads were expelled from the Magic Kingdom last Sunday. The reason given at the time was trespassing.

The toads entered the park through the main entrance around 11am. They were carrying flowers which security did not question or confiscate. They proceeded to the exit of the Haunted Mansion, jumped the fence for the pet cemetery, and placed the flowers on Mr. Toad’s grave.

Cast members who saw the toads jump the fence called security. Security arrived, took the toads into custody, and confiscated their flowers. After a brief interview the toads were expelled from the park.

“I think this is a total travesty,” stated a Mr. Toad fan. “They were just trying to pay their respects to their dear friend.”

“I don’t understand why we were expelled. Mr. Toad was our friend. We were just trying to pay tribute to him. When he was “removed” to make way for that stupid, overweight, bucket of fluff, it was a very painful time for us. Pooh’s ride isn’t even that good,” stated Hornswaggle Toad.

Disney could not be contacted for comment on the matter (for obvious reasons).

The Best Restrooms in Disney World

Disney World has more restrooms than I can even count. Some of the bathrooms are scary. They are so over used the cast members just can’t keep up. I’ll let you find those. I’ve had the misfortune of using them. Disney also has some really nice restrooms that go far beyond your typical public restroom.

If you need to “go” and you want to “go” in style, where should you “go?” Meander over to the nearest deluxe resort. Most of them have great restrooms. They tend to have features that the others don’t. For instance – many of them have actual towels. Imagine that, an actual towel!

Another great thing about the public restrooms in the deluxe resorts is the fact that they tend to be slow. They don’t have a huge amount of traffic flowing through them. I don’t think I need to explain why this is a benefit.

Something that I am not sure if they still do is to pay a guy to hang out in the bathroom. I remember about ten years ago I used the restroom at the Wilderness Lodge. They had a guy in there with colognes and other toiletries. He’d had you a towel after you washed your hands too. Then you’d tip him or feel like a total tightwad. I don’t remember seeing one of these cast members in any of the restrooms on my last visit.

I always felt bad for that guy. He must have heard some awful things. I’m guess that his other senses would have been assaulted as well. Imagine having to sit in a restroom for eight hours. How does it get worse than that?

It’s Your Right but it is not Right

People pay a lot of money to go to Disney World. Some people feel they are entitled to act like a total boob because of that. You know the people I’m talking about. No matter when, where, or what location you run into those people.

For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, there is a good chance you are one of them. I’ll help you out and detail some of the tell tale signs that you are a total jerk when you’re on vacation.

Here are the vacation commandments:

- Thou shall not pick ones nose in public: Honestly this should always be a rule. What possible reason do you have to stuff your finger up your nose in public? When I see this I have ask – What are you going to do with the booger? Chances are there is no correct answer because if you are picking your nose in public I doubt you have a tissue with you. I guess that means you’ll be flicking it, wiping on the bench your sitting on, wiping it on someone else, or worse. Please don’t recycle it if you catch my meaning.

- Thou shall not stand on top of other people: There is one of these in every crowd. It’s the guy who stands within inches of you. Most of the time he’s so close you can tell he had onions for lunch. Worst part is if you move to give yourself more space, they typically move with you. I also wonder why people like this tend to have chronic BO. I hate to say it but I’m not beyond setting off a W.M.S (weapon of massive stench) when someone like this is behind me.

- Thou shall pay attention in line: Keep moving and listen to the cast members. Ever wonder why some lines seem to take forever to get through? It’s because there are people like you in it. You can talk to people but most people can talk and walk at the same time. Imagine that!

- Thou shall chew with ones mouth closed: I like food but I do not like it when it’s in your mouth and I can see it. I also don’t need to hear you eat. Oh and if you have kids, the same goes for them. Don’t stop while chewing and start talking to me either. I won’t be able to pay attention because I’m too concerned about something flying out of your mouth and landing in my lap.

- Thou shall not abuse the cast members: Cast members are there to assist you in enjoying your vacation. Included in that are making sure you don’t hurt yourself, hurt others, or ruin another guest’s vacation. Typically when they ask you to do something there is a reason for it. Also keep in mind that it is not nice to take out your frustrations on someone who is trying to help you. Chances are you are frustrated from lack of planning, lack of intelligence, or something that is not controllable. There will be times when you have a legitimate complaint. When that happens, you can be civil and explain your position in a dignified manner. You do not need to revert to a rabid gorilla on a bender.

- Thou shall not cut in line or send one person into a queue to secure a spot while the rest of a group arrives: If your group hasn’t arrived yet, don’t enter the queue. That is just another form of cutting. I don’t think I need to say don’t cut. That’s common sense unless you have the IQ of a slug. If you have the IQ of a slug; please do not visit Disney World. Disney has a legal way to cut. It’s called Fast Pass. It is the only want to cut the line.

- Thou shall not give dirty looks to people in the Fast Pass line: You had a chance to get a Fast Pass but you didn’t. You decided to wait in the stand by line. Keep in mind you got to see and possibly do things that the person in the Fast Pass line didn’t so keep your dirty looks to yourself.

- Thou shall not take a big drag off of a tobacco product and then exhale it as you enter an enclosed space: There are smoking areas for a reason. It’s so you can smoke in them. That is why they are called smoking areas. These areas are open and ventilated. Holding in a big puff of smoke and blowing it out as you enter a non-ventilated area is about as nice as farting in a car with window locks.

- Thou shall not speak loudly or talk on your phone during attractions: The call can wait or you can wait to get on the ride. Also, loudly is defined as someone else being able to hear you while on the attraction. If you don’t like that, I could assist you by throwing your phone into the Rivers of America and duct taping your mouth shut.

- Thou shall remember that bathing suits are for water parks: Even if you have a beach bod it doesn’t mean everyone wants to see it all the time. There is a reason its call a beach bod. If your outfit results in people having to explain the birds and the bees to their kids or if you need two hairdos to wear it, it is inappropriate.

- Thou shall not pick ones butt in public: It is sad that I even have to mention this one. I wouldn’t mention it if it wasn’t a problem. I don’t want to see you scratch your behind. If it’s itchy maybe you need to address that in a restroom. If it is because of a thong, maybe you shouldn’t wear a thong or pick it out of sight.

- Thou shall control ones children: You should know when you need to control your children. For some reason a number of you have a hard time with that concept. I’ll help you out a little. If your kid is trying to kick Mickey in the crotch – stop him (the kid not Mickey). If you kid is climbing something that is not part of a play ground – stop him. If your kid is screaming bloody murder – remove them. You can bring them back once they have calmed down. If your kid is making obscene gestures at other people – stop him. Get the idea?

- Thou shall not tell people you don’t know personal stories: I’m not talking about starting a friendly conversation about where you are from or stuff like that. That can be nice sometimes. However, if I’ve never spoken to you before I don’t need to know – how many times you’ve been married, that you have hemorrhoids, that you had diarrhea after eating at the Crystal Palace, that you’re infertile, that you are on Viagra, or the medical history of your aunt on your father’s side of the family.

I know there are other rules that could and should be stated but there is one thing you have to remember. Someone who is too numb to grasp the above concepts can’t remember more than a few at a time. Their head is too full of old Duke of Hazards episodes to fit anything else in.

The Tomorrow Land Speedway

When I was a kid I enjoyed the Speedway located in Tomorrow Land. What kid doesn’t like driving fake car? Back then it was the only chance I go to do anything like that. Even though I have those fond memories I have to stop and ask – Why does this still exist?

There are so many reasons to scrap this attraction. Here are the main ones:

- Not unique. Up until the early 90’s this was fairly novel. Now there are so many similar rides everywhere you can’t even fathom it. They are everywhere and many of them don’t have a bar that keeps you on track.

- It’s huge. Do you know how many attractions you could fit in that area?

- It’s ugly. This is one of the ugliest attractions in Disney World. The only ones that beat it are the Dino Land USA midway rides.

- It kills the theming – What is futuristic about this thing? It fits in nowhere.

- It’s loud. Nothing like a few dozen lawn mowers running near you.

- It Stinks. It really smells bad. Who wants to smell exhaust fumes in the Magic Kingdom.

- The Queue is painful. Why is it painful? Because it’s boring, it’s slow, it’s loud, and you stand there and inhale exhaust fumes while you are waiting.

Do you really need anymore reasons? Keep in mind, I have fond memories and I’m more then willing to put this ride out of its misery. It’s not like Alien Encounter, Horizons, World of Motion, the original Journey Into Imagination or Mr. Toads wild ride. This ride is bordering on embarrassment.

Buffets Are Fun

Most buffets have barely passable food. Sometimes they have awful food or food you refuse to eat because you know you’d be stuck paying homage to the porcelain god for the next week if you did. The server is normally non-existent which is better than the rude smelly person that sometimes brings you your drinks.

So why would you want ever want to go to a buffet? The answer varies depending on where you are. If you are in Disney World, it’s because the above rules don’t really apply.

Disney has a bunch of buffets. Most of them have good food, most of them have pleasant servers, and most of them attract some of the most interesting crowds you’ll ever see. You will never find a stranger mix of people. Here are the usual suspects at Disney Buffets:

Ms. Picky – You would think that a buffet would have something for everyone. You think that until you see this lady. It’s the lady who goes through the entire buffet and adds two tiny things to her plate and then has a disgusted look as if she’s offended by the selection.

Ms. Skin and Bones – Sometimes this is Ms. Picky too. It’s the person who doesn’t even eat one plate of food. You scratch your head and wonder why on Earth did she go to a buffet?

The Runaway Kid – It’s not really a run away kid. It’s a kid who was allowed to go through the buffet by himself and has filled his plate with French fries and deserts.

The Man With His Own Gravitational Pull – This person typically needs two seats; one for each cheek. He’ll plow through at least five plates. He’s the one that’s determined to get his money’s worth! If the server asks if he’s done, he waives her off and says “No. I still have some room left in my esophagus.”

Mr. Big Eyes, Little Stomach – You always seen this person. It’s the person with the full plate but he’s turned green because he ate too much already.

The Carnivore – You know this guy when you see him. He’s the one with two plates. One plate has nothing but ribs and fried chicken on it. The other plate has enough bones on it to make a model of a dinosaur.

Mr. Helpful – This guy annoys me! This is not someone in your party. This is a total stranger. He’s the one who sees what you brought back to your table and then decides to comment on it. He’ll also recommend something you may have missed.

Mr. Everything is Better at (insert name here) – This is the guy who just can’t enjoy his meal. No matter what he eats he’s been somewhere better and believes he shouldn’t have to pay because he views the food as substandard. This is the guy who somehow forgot that he’s at a buffet.

Lou Mongello – Look out for this guy. There won’t be any food left.

Disney to Test Parents before Entering the Parks

Disney announced last week that it will start testing parents before they are allowed to enter the parks. The test will be used to determine whether the parents are smart enough to bring their kids into the parks. Any parents who fails will need to hire a Disney certified nanny for the day.

Disney stated in a press release that this new program came about because of a number of incidents including the following:

- Parents dressing their babies in multiple layers of clothes when it’s 95 out

- Parents leaving their kids in the sun while they go into a store to shop

- Parents letting their children run rampant as soon as they are in the gate

- Parents have been leaving kids in the child swaps

- Two kids were found in the lockers

- Parents using their strollers as a battering rams

- Parents have been changing their kids in the middle of Main Street

- Numerous complaints about breast feeding in the middle of crowds

- Kids have been tossed at characters in parades to get autographs

- Parents claiming their kids are handicapped to bypass lines

- Complaints about naked kids running around

- Goofy was assaulted by a pack of pre-teens with no supervision

All of the above have been tied to parents who are physically capable of having kids but are lacking in every other area. There has been a spike in stupid parents across the country and Disney has not been exempt from their impact.

Disney also announced that parents who pass the test may be required to hire a nanny if they exhibit “exceptional dysfunction” during their time in the parks.

Some people are really excited about the new program. They have lauded Disney for doing what no one else was brave enough to do.

“I always wished someone would start requiring a test before allowing people to have kids. I think this is a step in the right direction,” stated a social worker from California.

Other people have taken offense to the idea and are considering legal action.

“I’m an American! I have the right to do what I want with my kids as long as they don’t get hurt. It’s not like I give them beer to shut them up. I stopped that last year,” stated a gentleman with a neck redder than an apple.

Regardless of the feedback, the program is expected to start this fall.