On my last trip I went on my favorite ride, Splash Mountain. At the end, after seeing and hearing all that water, I really had to pee. Unknowingly I walked right past the bathroom and into the gift shop. I knew there was a bathroom close by so I asked a cast member where it was. She smiled and pointed in a direction and said it was on the right. I thought she was pointing towards a door at the end of the gift shop so I headed in that direction.
I went through the door and saw another door on my right. I figured this must be the door to the bathroom the cast member was talking about. I went through that door and found a flight of stairs. I thought this was odd. That didn’t seem very handicap accessible and there were no decorations anywhere. It was just concrete and florescent lights everywhere I looked.
I didn’t think too long about it because I really had to pee. I went down the stairs and through another door which opened into a hallway. The hallway ended to my left so I went right. The first door had a sign on it that said “Cryogenics.” I looked through the window and saw a number of large closed containers. Some of the names caught my attention. Walt Disney, Ted Williams, Andy Warhol, Lassie, Frank Sinatra, CPTN-EO Clone 1, 2, and 3. I’d have spent more time looking at the others but I really had to pee.
I looked through the window on the next door and saw a dozens of the green army men sitting in front of monitors with headsets on. At the end of a room were a couple jail cells. Inside one of them was someone dressed like Goofy, except he was missing the head to his costume. In the other cell was someone who looked like Michael Eisner. I thought that was odd until I looked at the sign on the door - “Security.”
I started to jog down the hall because I thought my bladder was going to burst and I didn’t want to make a mess in front of the army men. I don’t think they would have liked that. I reached the next door. It said “New Cast Member Orientation.” I looked through the window. A number of smiling cast members were lined up and someone dressed like Mickey Mouse was whacking them with a large paddle. After each whack they’d yell out “No matter what I will always smile!”
I quickly moved on. I didn’t want to be mistaken for a new cast member. The next door said “Culinary Development.” I looked through the window I saw a kitchen. On the left hand side of the room Rizzo the Rat and the Rat from Ratatouille were passed out on opposite ends of a card table. Next to each of them was an empty shot glass. In the middle of the table was a half drained bottle of tequila and a pile of cash. In the middle of kitchen Beaker was running around like a mad man. He was covered in flour and tomato sauce. On the stove in front of him was a sauce pan with ten slim jims, water, flour, and jelly beans simmering over a high heat. There was a recipe nearby that said “Yak Stew.” At first I thought “That’s nasty!” but then I remembered the current food at Yak and Yeti and realized it would be an improvement.
I ran onto the next door. On it was a sign that said “Group Therapy.” Inside I saw Ariel, Cinderella, Snow White, Ms. Piggy, and Jasmine. In between them was Professor Honeydew with a steno pad and pen. As I ran on I heard “Eric only wants me to have a fish tail. I keep telling him that it’s really hard to do house work without legs but he’s just belligerent!” “He was such a jerk the other night I threw my slipper at him! Of course it shattered. Now the doctors say he’ll need surgery to get rid of all the scars.” “I keep asking to walk around on his knees and act like he’s short. He just gets upset at me.” “I keep beating up my boyfriend. I can’t help it. I get really angry and karate chop him almost everyday.” “My husband flies way too fast. One of these days he’s going to crash his carpet and seriously hurt himself.”
The next door said “Restroom.” At last I’d found it. Flung the door open and ran inside. The floor was blue granite. The walls were covered with silver and had Mickey Mouse heads made with emeralds. There was a line of golden urinals against one wall. As I ran up to them I noticed that each one had Loony Toons character engraved on the inside. I had my choice. I could relieve myself on Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam, The Road Runner, or Porky Pig. Porky always annoyed me so it was an easy choice. After I peaked into the stalls, there were golden toilets and toilet paper had the Universal Studios logo emblazed on it. There was no soap at the sinks. Instead you placed your hands over the sink and powered soap with glitter fell out of the ceiling like fairy dust, a brilliant idea to make employees wash their hands. To emphasize the point there was a sign on the door that said “If your hands don’t glitter you’re a disgusting, filthy, Fox Animation lover.”
As I exited the bathroom and started back up the hall I heard someone yell “stop!” I turned around to see the huge muppet from the Muppet Show; the one who comes out looking for the rabbit over at DHS. He had a club in his hand and didn’t look too happy. He told me the army men had spotted me on camera and I’d have to come with him to have my memory erased.
I bolted up the hallway. The massive muppet roared and chased after me. I stopped at the “Group Therapy” door, kicked it open, and yelled “your husbands are right!” All princesses and the pig jumped out of their chairs and charged towards me.
I started running for the exit again. I looked over my shoulder to see the group of rabid princess’s and raging hog crash into the massive muppet. Everyone went down in a pile and Ms. Piggy’s wig flew off (bet you didn’t know she wore a wig).
I made it to the exit, bolted up the stairs, and then calmly walked into the gift shop.
I joined my wife that was waiting for me. She gave me an odd look and asked “Why do you have glitter on your hands?”
