Disney Announces Seal Team Six Video Game

Many wondered why Disney bought the copyright to the name "Seal Team Six" after Osama Bin Laden was killed. Well you don't have to wonder anymore.


Disney announced this morning that a new game entitled "Disney Presents: Seal Team Six - Awesome Sauce Death Squad!" The game will feature your favorite Disney characters as they take out some of history’s most villainous people.

The team will be made up of the following characters:

Mickey Mouse – Team leader and all around combat expert.

Goofy – Heavy weapons expert.

Minnie Mouse – Flame thrower expert.

Pluto – The titanium toothed hound.

Donald Duck – Helicopter pilot and stealth eliminations expert.

Dopey Dwarf – Master sniper

Daisy Duck – Hand to hand combat expert.

Snow White – Chain gun expert.
This squad of master killers will take on such enemies as Osama Bin Laden, Mussolini, Hitler, and Justin Beiber.

The battle maps will range from WWII era bunkers to modern day Pakistani Villas.

There will be an exciting multi-player experience offering all of the most popular modes such as death match, capture the flag, and kick Justin Beiber’s butt.

The game is due out for the holiday season on all of the major consoles, Windows, and Mac OSX.

Yes this is a fake new story.  I really doubt you'll get to kill Osama Bin Laden as Mickey Mouse anytime soon.

Mickey Arrested After Shocking Find in Demolished House

Fan favorite Mickey Mouse was arrested and charged with counterfeiting after a shocking discovery in the basement of his recently demolished home.

Authorities were called to Mickey's demolished home in the former Toontown Fair area of the Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World around noon yesterday. A trap had been discovered in the ruins which led workers to a vault containing hundreds of counterfeit mouse ears.

"We knew something odd was going on when Mickey kept trying to scale the fence to get to his house in the former Toontown Fair," stated head of security Grumpy Dwarf.

The street value of the ears is estimated to be around 45,000 when compared to the ears Disney sells in their stores.

"I never thought knew there was so much money in ears.  I've always stuck to smuggled gems but now I'm thinking twice," stated Doc Dwarf.  

Authorities would not comment on how long they feel Mickey had been bootlegging the ears but did say all the facts would be brought to light when the trial starts.

If convicted on all charges Mickey could be facing a prison term of 5 to 10 years.

Photo of the Week - Mickey and Minnie

Who doesn't feel good when they see this photo?  I thought everyone could use a little smile to start their Friday.

This photo was taken with the following camera:

Mickey’s MMA Festival 2010

In a special nonexistent press release it was announced that Mickey’s MMA Festival would be coming back. The fight card will change greatly. However there will be some rematches.

Mickey Mouse vs. The Jonas Brothers – Inspired by an episode of the Comedy Central cartoon South Park, Mickey will be facing off with the dreaded Jonas Brothers.

Professional Opinion: Mickey will wipe the floor with the girly boys. He’s been working out a lot lately to get in shape for Epic Mickey. He also has experience on his side. Expect Mickey to knock out all of the brothers by the forth round.

Princess Battle Royal - This is a rematch with a twist. Cinderella, Aurora, Jasmine, Snow White, Belle, Ariel, and new comer Tania will step into the ring in a no holds bar, electrified steel cage, ladder, table, garbage can, match. The winner will be declared top princess.

Professional Opinion: Look for Cinderella to get off to a great start. Years of fighting with her step sisters has toughened her up. All the manual labor has also given her a strength advantage. Don’t forget about the glass slippers. In a match with no rules they can be used as weapons.

Miley Cyrus vs. Annette Funicello - New school meets old school in this fight. Annette might be old but she’s been around the block a number of times. Miley Cyrus isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and is going into this fight cocky. She thinks her age advantage will make this a slam dunk.

Professional Opinion: Funicello in the first round. Once Cyrus takes the first punch she’ll crumble.

Disney Bear vs. Liver Lips – In this clash of the titans we’ll see a rare appearance by the Disney Bear when he attempts to take down the Country Bear Jamboree Slugfest winner Liver Lips.

Professional Opinion: Liver Lips in a split decision. Disney Bear will stick it out because he’s afraid of being shelved. Liver Lips will get tired after a few rounds because he’s horribly out of shape. Might as well take a nap after the first few rounds.

Michael Eisner vs. Robert Iger – CEO vs. Former CEO in this amazing fight. This is the fight everyone is talking about.

Professional Opinion: Iger in the third round. Eisner is the better fighter but Iger just sold a ton of stock to get Eisner to throw the fight.

Doggie Match of Doom – The fur is going to fly when Goofy (yes he is a dog), Pluto, Bolt, and Copper (Fox and the Hound) will steep into the ring in the first ever four way fire hydrant match.

Professional Opinion: The biggest underdog, Copper, will win this one. Copper is a basset hound. They only move if food is involved. Copper’s trainer has promised him all the food he can eat if he wins this match. You don’t get between a basset and food.

Carl vs.Wall-E – In what is being called the strangest match Carl of Up fame will be taking on everyone’s favorite robot, Wall-E.

Professional Opinion: Wall-E hands down. Once Carl breaks his cane on Wall-E’s metal head he’ll be defenseless against the enraged robot.

Ursula vs. Maleficent – Love them or hate them this is the match everyone wants to see. These two have been lighting up Twitter with insult after insult and now they are going to settle it in the ring!

Professional Opinion: Ursula will have a big advantage until Maleficent changes into her dragon form and fries Ursula like a big chunk of calamari.

Flik vs. Mary Popins – How did this match come about? The card needed one more fight so the promoters had the computer provide two random names from the Disney archives.

Professional Opinion: Mary Popins in 2.5 seconds. Not only is everyone’s favorite nanny; magical, talented, and undefeated in 29 mixed martial arts fights, she’s out weights her opponent by 120 pounds.

Dorey vs. Flounder – Many people don’t know but these two dated for over a year. They broke up over allegations that Dorey cheated on Flounder. Dorey claims not to remember ever doing such a thing.

Professional Opinion: Flounder in the 10^th. Expect Dorey to keep forgetting she’s in a fight. Flounder might be wimpy but he’s an angry wimp.

Epic Mickey the Mickey Mouse Video Game

Forget what you know about Mickey Mouse video games. Mickey Mouse running around doing fun things with furry critters is a thing of the past. Junction Point Studios is developing a game for the Nintendo Wii called “Epic Mickey.”

I owned a Wii once. I sold it because I never played it. Maybe if Epic Mickey was out back then I’d still have it. It sounds good but it could alienate a lot of Mickey Mouse fans.

Basically the game takes place in a post apocalypse Disney World. There are messed up versions of Cinderella’s Castle and Spaceship Earth. Everything is going to have a steampunk theme to it including overhauls of Goofy, Mickey and other classic characters.

I know they say that life can imitate art or I guess art can imitate art. As some of you know I’ve often put Oswald the Lucky Rabbits in my blog as an evil, vengeful, criminal mastermind. I am not kidding when I say that Oswald the Lucky Rabbit is the bad guy in the new game. Some of you may also remember a post I did that involved a bunch of forgotten characters who teamed up and formed a gang. The irony is the premise of the game involves a bunch of lesser known characters trying to overthrow Mickey.

To prove I’m not kidding here is a direct quote from eurogamer:

“The antagonists of Epic Mickey are the largely old and obscure Disney elements, including theme park rides and older cartoons. Having been forgotten, they are now trapped in a "forgotten world of broken machines and bitter personalities." Running this world is Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, one of Walt Disney's first creations, who has become jealous of Mickey Mouse and is seeking revenge. Oswald sends the Phantom Blot to the Disney universe, and it soon covers the world with black ink, causing the colors to run. Using a variety of artist tools, Mickey must return the Disney world to its former glory.”

I really hope this comes out for the PS3 too. This game sounds whacked enough to be either really good or utterly awful. I’d also like to say, if someone from Disney is reading this do you think you could do some of my legitimate ideas instead of taking my ridiculous posts and turning them into video games?

Kermit and the Muppets vs. Mickey and Friends

If you didn’t know, I dislike most parades. If you want to know why, go back and read the post I did on parades. This post is about a parade I would watch.

This parade would have to be in DHS. Here is the premise. Two large trucks are driving towards each other. You can’t see who is driving either one. They stop in front of each other and start honking at each other in front of a big screen. After a few seconds the door opens on the first truck and Mickey steps out. Mickey says he’s on his way to meet Minnie and he needs the other truck to move. The door on the other truck opens and Kermit steps out. He tells Mickey that he needs to move because he’s on his way to pick up Miss Piggy.

After the first exchange Kermit and Mickey say the only way to settle the problem of who needs to move is with a showdown and the people watching will decide who wins.

Mickey pushes a button on his truck. Flaps fall down revealing a colorful sign for the Mickey Mouse Club. The music starts and he leads everyone in a sign along of the Mickey Mouse Club Theme.

Next it’s Kermit’s turn. He pulls a lever, the rear of his truck opens and a bunch of Muppets, including the huge Muppets come out. The music starts and Kermit leads everyone in a sign along of the Muppet Show theme.

Mickey responds by pulling a lever on his truck. The top of the truck opens and Ariel laying on a rock appears and the characters from The Little Mermaid come out the back. The music starts and they lead everyone in a sign along of Under the Sea.

Kermit grabs a cell phone. The next thing you know a second truck pulls up behind the first. The sides fall out, the top opens up and the entire Muppet Band including Animal, appear. They do some famous song and of course it takes a while to stop Animal at the end.

Mickey grabs a cell phone and before you know it a giant mining cart pulls up. The Seven Dwarfs pop out and lead everyone is a sign along of Hi-Hoe.

Kermit makes another call and a bus pulls up with every Muppet not there already. They do a big musical number.

Mickey makes another call and a bus pulls up with dozens of Disney Characters and they do a musical number.

After that a number of the Disney villains show up on the screen behind the two trucks. They say that they’ve had enough and are going to take over Disney World.

The Muppets and Disney Characters group up and lead a cheer to scare the villains away. After that they do a big musical number together and everyone is happy.

Once the final musical number ends Minnie and Miss Piggy pull up in cabs from each end. They are both upset because they never got picked up. When they storm out of their cabs, everyone panics. The Muppets jump back in the bus and burn rubber to get out of there. The Characters do the same thing. The mine cart and band truck both take off too. The remaining characters pile into their respective trucks. Only Kermit, Mickey, Minnie, and Miss Piggy are still out in the open. Minnie and Miss Piggy make some funny comments about their boy friends to each other.

Finally Kermit and Mickey sneak over to one of the trucks and take off. Out raged, Minnie and Miss Piggy jump in the other truck and chase after them. Rizzo the Rat appears on the screen with Remy and they say everyone should scatter before Miss Piggy and Minnie come back and they also say thanks for coming, enjoy the rest of your day!

I’d call the parade “Kermit and the Muppets vs. Mickey and Friends.” It might not be a conventional parade but it would be fun.

The Dark Side of Being a Character

People thing the heavy costume, brutal heat, sweaty kids, crazy adults, or jerks who try to hit you in a sensitive spot are the worst part of being a character. People are wrong. Being a character is more than it appears. There is an underground fellowship / guild that is formed by the characters. Like any guild there is an “probation” period.

The term “probation” is used because it’s not PC to use the true word, hazing.

For decades the characters have tried newbies by fire to make sure they could handle the daily rigors of being a character. The following information was gathered over years of extensive research (aka I made it up).

The first documented case of hazing took place when Snow White reportedly “beat Cinderella about the head and shoulders with a glass slipper.” After the beating Snow White reportedly dragged Cinderella to her feet, hugged her, and said she was now “one of us.”

Some of the accounts of hazing were not one time events. Of the Seven Dwarfs, Grumpy was the last one to join. Being the last one, he is continually teased and the subject of many practical jokes. This is to continue until an eight dwarf joins. This explains why Grump is…well grumpy. Hazing also resulted in Dopey’s current state. He took one too many blows to the head until his hazing ended when Sneezy joined the gang.

The most recent case of hazing involved Bolt. Mickey distracted Bolt while Goofy swapped out his normal collar with a remote controlled shock collar. They waited until Bolt was in public and greeting guests before they started pushing the button. You can imagine the antics that followed.

Some characters just couldn’t take the abuse and gave up. Roger Rabbit is the most famous example. Nearly every character you can imagine, dropped a safe on Roger as soon as he was out of the view of the public. It got to the point where Roger refused to use any cast member access doors without Baby Herman going first. As you can imagine this is also the reason Baby Herman is not longer in the parks.

Other characters thrive on abuse. Stich was whacked on the head with his surf board, had the cherry tomatoes in his salad hollowed out and filled with “Dave’s Insanity” hot sauce, was shot with a paint ball gun at close range, and was forced to perform in the worst ride in Disney World history. Through all of those things he laughed and asked for more. He is currently being monitored for mental health.

The hazing that goes on in the back ground was almost exposed when Minnie Mouse video tapped Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Belle, and Ariel roughing up Jasmine. Jasmine survived and was allowed into the “D.P.C” – Disney Princesses Crew.

As you can imagine there are also factions within the characters. Each faction is responsible for hazing its members. Here are the known factions:

DPC – Disney Princesses Crew – Known Members: Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all new princess characters.

TFF - The Fab Four – Known Members: Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Pluto, and Donald Duck. Responsibilities: Overseeing all “Welcoming”operations.

2D - Da Dawgs! – Known Members: Pluto, Copper, and Bolt. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all new Disney canines.

Freakes Incorpporated: Known Members: Stich, Sully, Mike, and Piglet. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all grossly deformed characters.

The Roughnecks – Known Members: The Seven Dwarfs. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all vertically challenged cast members.

CCW – Cancelled Characters Walking – Known Members: Mr. Toad, Alien from Alien Encounter, the Dream Finder, Food Rapper. Responsibilities: Causing trouble where ever they can to get even for being exiled.

I Took the Wrong Right

On my last trip I went on my favorite ride, Splash Mountain. At the end, after seeing and hearing all that water, I really had to pee. Unknowingly I walked right past the bathroom and into the gift shop. I knew there was a bathroom close by so I asked a cast member where it was. She smiled and pointed in a direction and said it was on the right. I thought she was pointing towards a door at the end of the gift shop so I headed in that direction.

I went through the door and saw another door on my right. I figured this must be the door to the bathroom the cast member was talking about. I went through that door and found a flight of stairs. I thought this was odd. That didn’t seem very handicap accessible and there were no decorations anywhere. It was just concrete and florescent lights everywhere I looked.

I didn’t think too long about it because I really had to pee. I went down the stairs and through another door which opened into a hallway. The hallway ended to my left so I went right. The first door had a sign on it that said “Cryogenics.” I looked through the window and saw a number of large closed containers. Some of the names caught my attention. Walt Disney, Ted Williams, Andy Warhol, Lassie, Frank Sinatra, CPTN-EO Clone 1, 2, and 3. I’d have spent more time looking at the others but I really had to pee.

I looked through the window on the next door and saw a dozens of the green army men sitting in front of monitors with headsets on. At the end of a room were a couple jail cells. Inside one of them was someone dressed like Goofy, except he was missing the head to his costume. In the other cell was someone who looked like Michael Eisner. I thought that was odd until I looked at the sign on the door - “Security.”

I started to jog down the hall because I thought my bladder was going to burst and I didn’t want to make a mess in front of the army men. I don’t think they would have liked that. I reached the next door. It said “New Cast Member Orientation.” I looked through the window. A number of smiling cast members were lined up and someone dressed like Mickey Mouse was whacking them with a large paddle. After each whack they’d yell out “No matter what I will always smile!”

I quickly moved on. I didn’t want to be mistaken for a new cast member. The next door said “Culinary Development.” I looked through the window I saw a kitchen. On the left hand side of the room Rizzo the Rat and the Rat from Ratatouille were passed out on opposite ends of a card table. Next to each of them was an empty shot glass. In the middle of the table was a half drained bottle of tequila and a pile of cash. In the middle of kitchen Beaker was running around like a mad man. He was covered in flour and tomato sauce. On the stove in front of him was a sauce pan with ten slim jims, water, flour, and jelly beans simmering over a high heat. There was a recipe nearby that said “Yak Stew.” At first I thought “That’s nasty!” but then I remembered the current food at Yak and Yeti and realized it would be an improvement.

I ran onto the next door. On it was a sign that said “Group Therapy.” Inside I saw Ariel, Cinderella, Snow White, Ms. Piggy, and Jasmine. In between them was Professor Honeydew with a steno pad and pen. As I ran on I heard “Eric only wants me to have a fish tail. I keep telling him that it’s really hard to do house work without legs but he’s just belligerent!” “He was such a jerk the other night I threw my slipper at him! Of course it shattered. Now the doctors say he’ll need surgery to get rid of all the scars.” “I keep asking to walk around on his knees and act like he’s short. He just gets upset at me.” “I keep beating up my boyfriend. I can’t help it. I get really angry and karate chop him almost everyday.” “My husband flies way too fast. One of these days he’s going to crash his carpet and seriously hurt himself.”

The next door said “Restroom.” At last I’d found it. Flung the door open and ran inside. The floor was blue granite. The walls were covered with silver and had Mickey Mouse heads made with emeralds. There was a line of golden urinals against one wall. As I ran up to them I noticed that each one had Loony Toons character engraved on the inside. I had my choice. I could relieve myself on Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam, The Road Runner, or Porky Pig. Porky always annoyed me so it was an easy choice. After I peaked into the stalls, there were golden toilets and toilet paper had the Universal Studios logo emblazed on it. There was no soap at the sinks. Instead you placed your hands over the sink and powered soap with glitter fell out of the ceiling like fairy dust, a brilliant idea to make employees wash their hands. To emphasize the point there was a sign on the door that said “If your hands don’t glitter you’re a disgusting, filthy, Fox Animation lover.”

As I exited the bathroom and started back up the hall I heard someone yell “stop!” I turned around to see the huge muppet from the Muppet Show; the one who comes out looking for the rabbit over at DHS. He had a club in his hand and didn’t look too happy. He told me the army men had spotted me on camera and I’d have to come with him to have my memory erased.

I bolted up the hallway. The massive muppet roared and chased after me. I stopped at the “Group Therapy” door, kicked it open, and yelled “your husbands are right!” All princesses and the pig jumped out of their chairs and charged towards me.

I started running for the exit again. I looked over my shoulder to see the group of rabid princess’s and raging hog crash into the massive muppet. Everyone went down in a pile and Ms. Piggy’s wig flew off (bet you didn’t know she wore a wig).

I made it to the exit, bolted up the stairs, and then calmly walked into the gift shop.
I joined my wife that was waiting for me. She gave me an odd look and asked “Why do you have glitter on your hands?”

Mickey’s MMA Festival

For some unknown reason mixed martial arts keeps gaining in popularity. I don’t like MMA but I think it’s time for Disney to do what Disney does. Take a fad and try to make some money off of it.

First things first, Disney is family friendly so you can’t have MMA fighters mauling each other in the Magic Kingdom. That would just ruin the family friendly environment. If you can’t do MMA fighters you need to do the next best thing – use characters. You could have the first ever Mickey’s MMA Festival!

Match #1 – Grumpy vs. Doc: Let’s face it Grumpy has a chip on his shoulder and I think it’s from being bossed around by Doc for years. Doc has always has always thought the Grumpy’s attitude stinks. It’s time to settle things!

Match #2 – Donald Duck vs. Scrooge McDuck: Donald took it personally when Scrooge wrote him out of his will. He’s going to beat the money out of him now.

Match #3 – Heuey vs. Dewey vs. Louie: For years they’ve been beating the snot out of each other behind the scenes. You may not know this but they are part Irish, like to drink, and then start swinging at each other. It’s only natural they finally beat each other up legally.

Match #4 – Ariel vs. Tinker Bell: This is a match for the “Best Kinda Human Female” title. Half fish vs. a fairy. How can you go wrong?

Match #5 – Sleeping Beauty vs. Cinderella: This is a grudge match and for the title of “Top Princess.” These two hate each other so much they have requested this be a table / ladder match inside of a steel cage which is electrified and lined with barb wire.

Match #6 – Mike vs. Roz: Mike got so sick of Roz giving him such a hard time that he finally snapped and demand an MMA match. Mike’s an idiot. This one will be over in less then 60 seconds.

Match #7 – Belle vs. Beast: In public they seem like a loving couple. In private it’s another story. After years of domestic disputes, three separations, and two restraining orders, these two will be climbing into the octagon to settle their differences.

Match #8 – The Tiki Room – A Battle Royal: Did you think everything would be all fun and games after you locked over twenty birds in a room for thirty years and then changed the management without informing the prior management first? Get the turkey leg cart ready for action. It would be a shame to waste the results of this match.

Match #9 - Minnie vs. Pluto: Mouse’s best friend vs. Mouse’s girl friend. This is a newspaper match. That means rolled up newspapers are not only allowed but encouraged.

The Main Event – Mickey vs. Goofy: Is anyone surprised by this? This is for the “King of Disney World” title. Look for Goofy to try to use his large reach to his advantage. Also look for Mickey to use Goofy’s long lanky legs to his advantage by take downs and then implementing some kind of submission hold.

I Don’t Even Like Hats…

One thing stuck me when I got home after my last Disney World trip. I bought a hat that I’ll most likely never wear. I don’t wear hats very often so why did I buy a hat? Come to think of, when did I go to Disney World and not buy a hat or come away with a hat? Most of the hats have been so embarrassing I’d never, ever, wear them out in public. Think I’m joking? Check this list of foolish and embarrassing hats I got at Disney World. This list goes from the least embarrassing to the most embarrassing hat.


Mickey Mouse Fishing Hat – Well first of all I don’t fish so I have no idea why I bout this hat and wore it around Disney. At least it wasn’t as bad as some of my others. It was just a tan fishing had with a small Mickey Mouse on the front of it.


You Better Take the Stairs: Tower of Terror Hat – This was my most recent purchase. I will admit it’s a “cute” hat. It’s black with white letters and three cartoon slides with Goofy and Mickey on them. Problem number one - a guy shouldn’t really be wearing a hat that could be described as cute. Problem number two – you probably don’t want to get attention from the people who would comment on this hat outside of Disney World.


The Goofy Hat – I was a kid when I got this and I loved it. It was a baseball hat with Goofy’s face on it. It had big Goofy ears that hung down to your shoulders and even had two big teeth the hung off of the end of the visor. Now that I’ve explained what it looks like you know why an adult wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it.


The Figment Hat – When I was a kid Figment was my favorite park character. That being so, I just had to buy the figment hat when I saw it. This thing was just awful. It was purple, orange, and yellow. If that’s not reason enough not to wear it, it also had two orange figment horns protruding from it.


Only a select few ever wore this final hat. This was given away for obvious reasons. It took a brave sole to wear it. Before I start describing this hat, go back to the “HOLY POO FLINGING MONKEYS! It’s Darkwing Duck!” post to see a picture of this hat. For anyone who wore that hat a shiver instantly went down their spine when they saw that photo. It was the one, the only, Fifteen Years of Magic “I’m a Winner” hat! It was a blue sun visor. That’s no so bad is it? Well take that blue sun visor and print “I’m a Winner” on the front of it. Sounds bad right? Well wait just one minute! Put battery operated, flashing, yellow and red lights across the border! Ah, now there is a master piece that all the famous artists of history could never have equaled. You may ask, “How on Earth did you find yourself in possession that thing?” During Disney World’s “Fifteen Years of Magic” promotion, every fifteenth person through the park gates won something. My dad won something but I can’t remember what it was. The very next day I won the hat. Let me tell you I was thrilled. For a kid to get a hat that lights up…well you just can’t beat that.

There had been other strange purchases at Disney World through out the years: pocket watches, figment plush toys, a Skippy plush toy, and a “Hundred Acre Wood” Henley. Even when I think of those odd purchases the hats still stand out. I’m starting to think that now I have to buy a hat every time just keep up appearances. But, how could I possibly improve on that list? I think I set the bar too high.