Violence Erupts at Star Wars Weekends!

Joy turned to tragedy last weekend during Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios. A violent brawl erupted with it’s epicenter at the Echo Lake area of the park.

The violence started when Yoda accidently bumped into Darth Maul. Darth Maul proceeded to call Yoda an “ugly, nerf loving, gremlin wannabe.” Yoda responded my calmly smacking Maul in the shin with the butt of his light saber.

Jango Fett tried to come to the aid of Maul but was floored when Princess Amadalia delivered a swift kick to his crotch.

The violence swiftly spread faster than hyper space as old rivalries and long held grievances exploded.

Luke Skywalker punched out Han Solo for going after his sister.

Chewbaca went around kicking ewoks, sending them flying through the air, in apparent revenge for catching him in a net in Return of the Jedi.

R2D2 ripped off C3PO’s right arm and rolled through the park, holding it above his head as a trophy. C3PO chased after him yelling obscenities and would make a sailor blush.

Princess Leila had to be revived by paramedics after Jaba the Hutt choked her out with a chain.

Bobba Fett slashed Lando Calrissian with a broken bottle after Lando spray painted “I’m a BOOBIE hunter” on SLAVE 1.

A group of sand people got in a barroom brawl with a group of Storm Troopers.

Darth Vader threw the emperor through a plate glass window.

A bunch of guests dressed as Jedi Knights beat a Gamorian Guard within an inch of his life with their plastic light sabers.

Obi Wan ignited his light saber and took out more than a dozen Jawas.

Someone dress up as the Millennium Falcon beat up someone dress up as SLAVE 1.

Wedge Antilites was mauled by a Gondar.

Wicket hit Greedo in the knee with an improvised sledge hammer.

The Moss Esiley Bar Band brawled with Jaba the Hutt’s band.

The Sorcerers Hat was demolished when the Rancor and the Ice Monster of Hoth crashed into it during their fight.

Indiana Jones shot three storm troopers, two Jedi, and four ewoks. When he asked why he was fighting in a Star Wars brawl he responded, “Didn’t you see my last movie? You’re an alien and I have a gun! Go whine to George if you don’t like it.”

The violence ended when the Yeti from Expedition Everest was called in. He ate Jar Jar Binks and then told Indian Jones to cut out the alien crap and go back to digging in the sand. Everyone was so happy they just stopped fighting.

Four thousand people and aliens were killed or injured and the damage is estimated in the tens of millions.

When asked if charges would be filed a police officer on scene stated “Are you kidding me? That’s a small price to pay to never have to see Jar Jar Binks again, never mind the fact that someone got Indiana Jones to go back to being Indiana Jones. It’s like someone erased George Lucas’s two biggest mistakes in just a couple of hours.”

Mickey’s MMA Festival

For some unknown reason mixed martial arts keeps gaining in popularity. I don’t like MMA but I think it’s time for Disney to do what Disney does. Take a fad and try to make some money off of it.

First things first, Disney is family friendly so you can’t have MMA fighters mauling each other in the Magic Kingdom. That would just ruin the family friendly environment. If you can’t do MMA fighters you need to do the next best thing – use characters. You could have the first ever Mickey’s MMA Festival!

Match #1 – Grumpy vs. Doc: Let’s face it Grumpy has a chip on his shoulder and I think it’s from being bossed around by Doc for years. Doc has always has always thought the Grumpy’s attitude stinks. It’s time to settle things!

Match #2 – Donald Duck vs. Scrooge McDuck: Donald took it personally when Scrooge wrote him out of his will. He’s going to beat the money out of him now.

Match #3 – Heuey vs. Dewey vs. Louie: For years they’ve been beating the snot out of each other behind the scenes. You may not know this but they are part Irish, like to drink, and then start swinging at each other. It’s only natural they finally beat each other up legally.

Match #4 – Ariel vs. Tinker Bell: This is a match for the “Best Kinda Human Female” title. Half fish vs. a fairy. How can you go wrong?

Match #5 – Sleeping Beauty vs. Cinderella: This is a grudge match and for the title of “Top Princess.” These two hate each other so much they have requested this be a table / ladder match inside of a steel cage which is electrified and lined with barb wire.

Match #6 – Mike vs. Roz: Mike got so sick of Roz giving him such a hard time that he finally snapped and demand an MMA match. Mike’s an idiot. This one will be over in less then 60 seconds.

Match #7 – Belle vs. Beast: In public they seem like a loving couple. In private it’s another story. After years of domestic disputes, three separations, and two restraining orders, these two will be climbing into the octagon to settle their differences.

Match #8 – The Tiki Room – A Battle Royal: Did you think everything would be all fun and games after you locked over twenty birds in a room for thirty years and then changed the management without informing the prior management first? Get the turkey leg cart ready for action. It would be a shame to waste the results of this match.

Match #9 - Minnie vs. Pluto: Mouse’s best friend vs. Mouse’s girl friend. This is a newspaper match. That means rolled up newspapers are not only allowed but encouraged.

The Main Event – Mickey vs. Goofy: Is anyone surprised by this? This is for the “King of Disney World” title. Look for Goofy to try to use his large reach to his advantage. Also look for Mickey to use Goofy’s long lanky legs to his advantage by take downs and then implementing some kind of submission hold.