The Dumbest Design in Disney World

Normally Disney is the best of the best when it comes to designing theme parks. They know how to queue, move, and direct people like no one else. However there is one ride that has a design flaw that drives me crazy.

The queue for Test Track has an awful design flaw in it that will one day cause violence. I know I normally exaggerate things but this time I am not exaggerating or trying to be funny.

After the pre-show the doors open on your right and you enter the final part of the queue. In this section you walk to the left. Here is where the flaw comes in. There are multiple pre-show rooms. When the final section of the queue backs up you end up in a scenario where one pre-show group dumps into a line instead of at the end of it. Of course they are not going to wait for the end of the line. Instead they cut everyone else who has already been waiting.

This is bad news. One of these days “Line Rage” is going to kick in and someone’s going to start swinging. I really hope before this happens the queue gets a small tweak. The easiest tweak is to just keep the doors shut until you know the group won’t dump into an existing line.

The more expensive fixes involve creating one large pre-show room or making two separate lines that take turns loading. Each preshow room would dump into a specific line.

In my opinion you will not see Disney do anything about this problem until someone gets hurt. Knowing how little patience people have I’d say that will happen sooner than later.

Princess Separate Meet and Greet Areas Demanded – Not Desired

One of the new features of the Fantasy Land expansion is going to be separate meet and greet areas for each of the princesses. This might seem odd on the surface. Why not have a princesses pavilion, so you can meet them all at once? After all the Tinker Bell and her other fairy buddies hang out in the same place.

The reason for separate locations becomes apparent when you look at the princesses history. For years Disney has had their hands full. Behind the scenes the princesses are a bunch of moody, backstabbing pre-Madonna’s. After decades of violence the only sensible way to control the situation was to keep them separated.

The initial cost for building each area is expected to be recouped in saved medical expenses. Over the years the princesses have racked up quite a bill. Here are just a few examples:

- Belle had to have a nose job after she took a glass slipper to the face.

- Ariel and Jasmine needed hair plugs after some of their hair was “extracted” during a tussle.

- Aurora was in a neck brace for a month after taking a pumpkin to the head.

- Snow White was in the hospital for a week after getting run over by a flying carpet.

- Cinderella ended up in the hospital after she was “accidently” knocked down the stairs.

To ensure the safety of the cast members and guests, the imagineers who designed the animal enclosures in Animal Kingdom were enlisted to design the new princess locations. Each location has carefully disguised barb wire fences, barriers, pitfalls, and other fortifications to prevent ambushes.

In addition plans are in place for each princess to have their prince appear with them. On the surface this seems like a ploy to get them into the parks. In reality the princes will be serving as body guards / peacekeepers.

In a recent interview Prince Charming admitted that the princesses do indeed despise each other but the princes get along great and frequently “drink around the world” together.

Only time will tell if the new meet and greet locations prevent the violence and blood shed from continuing.

Violence Erupts at Star Wars Weekends!

Joy turned to tragedy last weekend during Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios. A violent brawl erupted with it’s epicenter at the Echo Lake area of the park.

The violence started when Yoda accidently bumped into Darth Maul. Darth Maul proceeded to call Yoda an “ugly, nerf loving, gremlin wannabe.” Yoda responded my calmly smacking Maul in the shin with the butt of his light saber.

Jango Fett tried to come to the aid of Maul but was floored when Princess Amadalia delivered a swift kick to his crotch.

The violence swiftly spread faster than hyper space as old rivalries and long held grievances exploded.

Luke Skywalker punched out Han Solo for going after his sister.

Chewbaca went around kicking ewoks, sending them flying through the air, in apparent revenge for catching him in a net in Return of the Jedi.

R2D2 ripped off C3PO’s right arm and rolled through the park, holding it above his head as a trophy. C3PO chased after him yelling obscenities and would make a sailor blush.

Princess Leila had to be revived by paramedics after Jaba the Hutt choked her out with a chain.

Bobba Fett slashed Lando Calrissian with a broken bottle after Lando spray painted “I’m a BOOBIE hunter” on SLAVE 1.

A group of sand people got in a barroom brawl with a group of Storm Troopers.

Darth Vader threw the emperor through a plate glass window.

A bunch of guests dressed as Jedi Knights beat a Gamorian Guard within an inch of his life with their plastic light sabers.

Obi Wan ignited his light saber and took out more than a dozen Jawas.

Someone dress up as the Millennium Falcon beat up someone dress up as SLAVE 1.

Wedge Antilites was mauled by a Gondar.

Wicket hit Greedo in the knee with an improvised sledge hammer.

The Moss Esiley Bar Band brawled with Jaba the Hutt’s band.

The Sorcerers Hat was demolished when the Rancor and the Ice Monster of Hoth crashed into it during their fight.

Indiana Jones shot three storm troopers, two Jedi, and four ewoks. When he asked why he was fighting in a Star Wars brawl he responded, “Didn’t you see my last movie? You’re an alien and I have a gun! Go whine to George if you don’t like it.”

The violence ended when the Yeti from Expedition Everest was called in. He ate Jar Jar Binks and then told Indian Jones to cut out the alien crap and go back to digging in the sand. Everyone was so happy they just stopped fighting.

Four thousand people and aliens were killed or injured and the damage is estimated in the tens of millions.

When asked if charges would be filed a police officer on scene stated “Are you kidding me? That’s a small price to pay to never have to see Jar Jar Binks again, never mind the fact that someone got Indiana Jones to go back to being Indiana Jones. It’s like someone erased George Lucas’s two biggest mistakes in just a couple of hours.”