Violence Erupts at Star Wars Weekends!

Joy turned to tragedy last weekend during Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios. A violent brawl erupted with it’s epicenter at the Echo Lake area of the park.

The violence started when Yoda accidently bumped into Darth Maul. Darth Maul proceeded to call Yoda an “ugly, nerf loving, gremlin wannabe.” Yoda responded my calmly smacking Maul in the shin with the butt of his light saber.

Jango Fett tried to come to the aid of Maul but was floored when Princess Amadalia delivered a swift kick to his crotch.

The violence swiftly spread faster than hyper space as old rivalries and long held grievances exploded.

Luke Skywalker punched out Han Solo for going after his sister.

Chewbaca went around kicking ewoks, sending them flying through the air, in apparent revenge for catching him in a net in Return of the Jedi.

R2D2 ripped off C3PO’s right arm and rolled through the park, holding it above his head as a trophy. C3PO chased after him yelling obscenities and would make a sailor blush.

Princess Leila had to be revived by paramedics after Jaba the Hutt choked her out with a chain.

Bobba Fett slashed Lando Calrissian with a broken bottle after Lando spray painted “I’m a BOOBIE hunter” on SLAVE 1.

A group of sand people got in a barroom brawl with a group of Storm Troopers.

Darth Vader threw the emperor through a plate glass window.

A bunch of guests dressed as Jedi Knights beat a Gamorian Guard within an inch of his life with their plastic light sabers.

Obi Wan ignited his light saber and took out more than a dozen Jawas.

Someone dress up as the Millennium Falcon beat up someone dress up as SLAVE 1.

Wedge Antilites was mauled by a Gondar.

Wicket hit Greedo in the knee with an improvised sledge hammer.

The Moss Esiley Bar Band brawled with Jaba the Hutt’s band.

The Sorcerers Hat was demolished when the Rancor and the Ice Monster of Hoth crashed into it during their fight.

Indiana Jones shot three storm troopers, two Jedi, and four ewoks. When he asked why he was fighting in a Star Wars brawl he responded, “Didn’t you see my last movie? You’re an alien and I have a gun! Go whine to George if you don’t like it.”

The violence ended when the Yeti from Expedition Everest was called in. He ate Jar Jar Binks and then told Indian Jones to cut out the alien crap and go back to digging in the sand. Everyone was so happy they just stopped fighting.

Four thousand people and aliens were killed or injured and the damage is estimated in the tens of millions.

When asked if charges would be filed a police officer on scene stated “Are you kidding me? That’s a small price to pay to never have to see Jar Jar Binks again, never mind the fact that someone got Indiana Jones to go back to being Indiana Jones. It’s like someone erased George Lucas’s two biggest mistakes in just a couple of hours.”

New Addition to Star Wars Weekends

A new attraction is coming to Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios this year. A replica of the pit monster – Sarlac thingy from Return of the Jedi will be opened to the public.

In Return of the Jedi, Luke, Chewy, and Han were to be executed by being thrown into a pit with a big mouth at the bottom. C3PO is kind enough to explain that anyone thrown into the pit will be slowly digested. After that a battle breaks out, all the good guys escape, the bad guys die, and a lot of people fall into the pit.

Now Star Wars fans will be able to experience what it’s like to be tossed into the pit. Complete with sandy slopes and tentacles, the new attraction is a site to behold.

“To make the experience as real as possible we’ve added a vat of concentrated acid that people will plunge into. As long as we get them out in less than a minute it shouldn’t kill them. It’ll just help them to understand what it’s like to be digested,” a Disney spokesman stated.

“We have a spring board above the pit, just like in the movie. We’re going to tie the guests up and then hit them in the spine with a big stick just like they did in “Jedi.” We think that will really add to the realism. We have also developed a method of multiple photo ops. Cameras are synced up. The first takes your picture when you’re hit in the spine. The stick has a trigger at the end of it. The second camera is high speed motion sensitive camera that will take a picture as the guest falls towards the pit. The third picture is also motion sensitive and is triggers as the guest hits the vat of acid. The fourth camera is pressure sensitive and triggers when the person crawls out of the vat and steps or falls onto the floor. We are going to offer all four pictures for the price of one and frame them to make a special package,” the spokesman continued.

The attraction should be ready by opening day. Arrive early, as long lines are expected throughout the weekend.