New Addition to Star Wars Weekends

A new attraction is coming to Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios this year. A replica of the pit monster – Sarlac thingy from Return of the Jedi will be opened to the public.

In Return of the Jedi, Luke, Chewy, and Han were to be executed by being thrown into a pit with a big mouth at the bottom. C3PO is kind enough to explain that anyone thrown into the pit will be slowly digested. After that a battle breaks out, all the good guys escape, the bad guys die, and a lot of people fall into the pit.

Now Star Wars fans will be able to experience what it’s like to be tossed into the pit. Complete with sandy slopes and tentacles, the new attraction is a site to behold.

“To make the experience as real as possible we’ve added a vat of concentrated acid that people will plunge into. As long as we get them out in less than a minute it shouldn’t kill them. It’ll just help them to understand what it’s like to be digested,” a Disney spokesman stated.

“We have a spring board above the pit, just like in the movie. We’re going to tie the guests up and then hit them in the spine with a big stick just like they did in “Jedi.” We think that will really add to the realism. We have also developed a method of multiple photo ops. Cameras are synced up. The first takes your picture when you’re hit in the spine. The stick has a trigger at the end of it. The second camera is high speed motion sensitive camera that will take a picture as the guest falls towards the pit. The third picture is also motion sensitive and is triggers as the guest hits the vat of acid. The fourth camera is pressure sensitive and triggers when the person crawls out of the vat and steps or falls onto the floor. We are going to offer all four pictures for the price of one and frame them to make a special package,” the spokesman continued.

The attraction should be ready by opening day. Arrive early, as long lines are expected throughout the weekend.

The Hall of Presidents, Brought to You by Depends.

Disney loves to get sponsors for its rides, shows, and anything else you could stick a name on. A lot of sponsors have come and go throughout the years. One sponsor recently caught me off guard. Hanes sponsors the Rockin Roller Coaster. When I thought about that I started to laugh. The sad part is Hanes is not using this sponsorship to its full potential. What they need to do is open an under ware stand at the exit of the ride and put a sign above it that says “Replace your soiled undies here!” Come on! It’s a trill ride. They could print “Rockin Roller Coaster Replacement Undies” on all of them. They’d make a killing.

That got me thinking of other missed opportunities. Here are a few I’d like to see:

The Hall of Presidents Sponsored by Depends. This is a natural fit. The people who enjoy this ride the most are Depends target demographic. It’s also a long show. They could sell them at the entrance and exit. That way no one would have to worry about taking a potty break. As Jim Carey put it so eloquently in Dumb and Dumber “Just go man.”

The Mad Tea Party sponsored by Schweppes Ginger Ale. Why not a motion sickness pill maker? Simple, that’s not good business. If you sell the pills to someone who is in line, only so many people will buy them. Motion sickness pills don’t really work after the fact so selling them at the exit isn’t a great idea. However, letting everyone get sick and then selling them ginger ale at an increased price is a sure thing. If your sales start to slip, crank up the ride a notch!

It’s a Small World sponsored by Smith and Wesson. If you think this is an odd match you’re not thinking of it from the business side of things. A majority of the people who are dragged onto this ride are doing so because they have kids or some fruit loop who loves dolls in their group. By the end of the ride guess what kind of mood they’ll be in. A gun buying mood!

The Universe of Energy sponsored by Miracle Ear. This is a perfect fit. This ride is so loud that you’ll need a Miracle Ear by the time it’s over. All you need to do is setup a kiosk at the exit and you’ll make millions.

Swiss Family Tree House sponsored by Kraft. Why Kraft? Simple, today’s kids are dumb. Chances are they don’t know who the Swiss Family Robinson are and if they do they probably don’t know they are called Swiss because they are from Switzerland. I bet 80% of people under 25 think they were called Swiss because they were cheese makers. You might as well profit off of their stupidity.