Disney to Install Giant Magnets

Late last week a cast member leaked information regarding a new sinister plan to boost profits. The plan involves installing giant magnets in strategic locations through out the parks. The theory behind the magnets is to nab the loose change in peoples’ pockets.

A magnet will be installed about drop in the Tower of Terror. When the ride drops the magnet kicks on. The combination of the negative g forces and magnet will extract any metallic objects in a person’s pockets.

The Rockin’ Roller Coaster will have multiple magnets. Each inversion will have a magnet located under it and will kick on when the train goes overhead.

Most benches and bathrooms will also have magnets located at specific angles to extract change from people sitting down or out of pants on the floor.

The magnets are expected to “draw” in about two million in annual profits from pocket change and the stray watch or other valuable.

“They’ve tried everything else to squeeze the last nickel out of people so this doesn’t really surprise me. I personally thought they’d have bandits in Frontier Land rob people and pass it off as a show,” stated an independent Disney analyst.

Look for the magnets to be in place by the end of the month.

Getting a Memorable Ride Photo

I love ride photos. Or maybe I should say I love good ride photos. Some rides have good ride photos and some of them have awful ride photos. Here is a list of photo / interaction on different rides:

Ride Quality

Splash Mountain Great
Buzz Lightyear Bad
Expedition Everest Good
Dinosaur Good
Test Track Awful
Tower of Terror Great
Rocking Roller Coaster Good
Spaceship Earth (interaction) Great

Why is Test Track awful? It’s at the end of the ride. The exciting part is done and nothing is happening. It’s also very hard to time. I’ve never seen a good photo from this ride. Everyone looks like a doofus in these photos.

There are some rules to follow when doing a ride photo. It has to be predictable or during thrilling part. That’s why Splash Mountain and Spaceship Earth are great. On Splash Mountain you know it is coming and it’s during a thrill. On Spaceship Earth it’s predicable.

Spaceship Earth is a double edged sword. I knew the face capture was coming and I knew it was going to be used in the ending. However, I didn’t know it was going to be posted up on a massive screen at the end of the ride. Why is that an issue? Because I made a funny face. Lets just say I got my butt out of the after ride section as fast as I could.

I have a demented goal when it comes to ride photos. I’ve always wanted to get a ride photo taken when I’m wearing my gas mask. I got a cheap gas mask on eBay a while back. It’s a great gag prop. I think it would be really funny to sit in the back of the log on Splash Mountain and put it on right before the drop. There are some problems with that idea. One I don’t think I could get it through airport security. Two there is a chance Disney would block it at security. Maybe some day if I drive down I’ll give it a shot.

Rides You Will Never See

Synergy – If you don’t know what that is, it’s when Disney mashes stuff together, often with mixed results, in an effort make more money. For example because of Synergy we have rides inspired by Aladdin, Dumbo, Snow White, Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh, and so on. We also have a case where Pirates inspired one good movie, a mediocre but entertaining movie, and one festering pile of cow dung of a movie. In turn the movies inspired the ride which got an overhaul. All of this was done to make more money!

I thought I’d come up with movies you’ll never see turned into rides at any Disney theme park:

Signs the Ride: This could only be a dark ride like the Haunted Mansion. You could have scenes for the car accident, the first crop circles, his brother in the closet watching TV, when he looks out the window and sees the silhouette, the aliens trying to break into the house, the arm coming out of the grate in the basement, and his brother swinging away. Now that I think of it, I’d love to see this ride.

The Many Adventures of Peewee Herman: This would be a dark ride with bright colors and all the characters from Peewee’s Playhouse. It would have scenes from Peewee’s Big Adventure and his little red bike too. Near the end would be an unshaven Peewee behind bars. The final scene would be Peewee doing the voiceover for Star Tours. See it has a happy ending.

The Wrath of Santana: This would be a roller coaster that rolls it way through the Alamo as Santana’s army is attacking. There would be an animatronic of Davy Crockett and falls down as you go by. There would also be all sorts of pyrotechnics throughout the ride and it would finish like Dinosaur does with a big blast of wind at your back.

Rocking Roller Coaster Featuring Buddy Holly: It would be just like the Aerosmith version but you get into a plane instead of a limo. You’d still do all the inversions and everything. Swap out the street signs for clouds and stuff. At the end you’d blow through a fake wall that looks like the ground. You could also bring back the end of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride for the exit. If you don’t want Buddy Holly you could make it the Country Roller Coaster Featuring John Denver.

The Hall of Presidents, Brought to You by Depends.

Disney loves to get sponsors for its rides, shows, and anything else you could stick a name on. A lot of sponsors have come and go throughout the years. One sponsor recently caught me off guard. Hanes sponsors the Rockin Roller Coaster. When I thought about that I started to laugh. The sad part is Hanes is not using this sponsorship to its full potential. What they need to do is open an under ware stand at the exit of the ride and put a sign above it that says “Replace your soiled undies here!” Come on! It’s a trill ride. They could print “Rockin Roller Coaster Replacement Undies” on all of them. They’d make a killing.

That got me thinking of other missed opportunities. Here are a few I’d like to see:

The Hall of Presidents Sponsored by Depends. This is a natural fit. The people who enjoy this ride the most are Depends target demographic. It’s also a long show. They could sell them at the entrance and exit. That way no one would have to worry about taking a potty break. As Jim Carey put it so eloquently in Dumb and Dumber “Just go man.”

The Mad Tea Party sponsored by Schweppes Ginger Ale. Why not a motion sickness pill maker? Simple, that’s not good business. If you sell the pills to someone who is in line, only so many people will buy them. Motion sickness pills don’t really work after the fact so selling them at the exit isn’t a great idea. However, letting everyone get sick and then selling them ginger ale at an increased price is a sure thing. If your sales start to slip, crank up the ride a notch!

It’s a Small World sponsored by Smith and Wesson. If you think this is an odd match you’re not thinking of it from the business side of things. A majority of the people who are dragged onto this ride are doing so because they have kids or some fruit loop who loves dolls in their group. By the end of the ride guess what kind of mood they’ll be in. A gun buying mood!

The Universe of Energy sponsored by Miracle Ear. This is a perfect fit. This ride is so loud that you’ll need a Miracle Ear by the time it’s over. All you need to do is setup a kiosk at the exit and you’ll make millions.

Swiss Family Tree House sponsored by Kraft. Why Kraft? Simple, today’s kids are dumb. Chances are they don’t know who the Swiss Family Robinson are and if they do they probably don’t know they are called Swiss because they are from Switzerland. I bet 80% of people under 25 think they were called Swiss because they were cheese makers. You might as well profit off of their stupidity.