Disney Announces New Killer Marathon

Due to the success of the all the current marathons Disney announced a new kind of marathon last week.

The new marathon has a brutal course that only the physically and mentally strong stand any chance of finishing. In fact many are saying that course is impossible and that no human being can endure such punish ment.

“We’ve developed a marathon that we believe no one can finish,” stated Disney spokes-robot WALL-E.

The course consists of the following path and tasks:

1 - Run from the entrance of the Magic Kingdom to “It’s a Small World.”

2 - Ride “It’s a Small World.”

3 - Run to “Stitch’s Great Escape.”

4 - Ride “Stitch’s Great Escape.”

5 - Repeat steps two through four three times.

6 – Run to Epcot.

7 – Run to the Norway Pavilion.

8 – Enter the exit of “Maelstrom” and just watch the movie.

9 – Run to the “Imagination Pavilion.”

10 – Ride the awful imagination ride.

11 – Repeat steps seven through ten three times.

12 – Run to “Mission Space”

13 – Ride “Mission Space” six times in a row

14 – Stagger back to the Magic Kingdom

15 – Run to the “Tiki Room Under New Management”

16 – View the “Tiki Room Under New Management”

17 – Cross the finish line which is the exit of the ride

It’s currently unknown if the physical or mental aspect of the marathon will eliminate the most competitors. Being forced to ride the worst rides in Disney World is painful if you only have to do it once. Being forced to do it over and over while exhausting ones self will most likely prove fatal.

New Video Posted: Gran Fiesta Tour

A video of the Gran Fiesta Tour inside the Mexico Pavilion in Epcot has been posted to YouTube. Some people call this attraction the Mexican "It's a Small World." That's not fair. This ride is much better than that painful form of torture.

The video can be seen here.

It’s a Small, Awful, Painful, Boring, World

My wife and I had a fast pass for Peter Pan, 20 minutes to wait, and didn’t want to backtrack after a day of bouncing around the Magic Kingdom. What could we do?

It’s a Small World had a zero wait time so we got on. There is a reason it had a zero wait time. That should have been a warning for us.

I’d been on It’s a Small World when I was a kid. I didn’t remember out right hating it but things change over time. To say this ride was painful is an understatement. It was awful. I’ll have night terrors for months because of this ride. Only drugs could have made this ride enjoyable.

How bad could it be? It was so bad my wife and I wished we had sat on bench for the 20 minutes we had to wait for Peter Pan. People watching would have been much better.

Breaking the Law!

I’ve thought of some off the wall things to try in Disney World. I thought about sneaking a gas mask into the parks to get a good picture on Splash Mountain. Then I realized that would be really hard to get past security and I might scare a lot of people.

I thought about swimming in Bay Lake but then I realized the water is most likely nasty and might even make me sick.

I thought about taking a small boat out to Discovery Island to see what’s left but I figured I’d either get in trouble or an alligator would take exception to my intrusion.

So what am I going to do? I have a flask. I like coke. I like rum. Time for a drink! I figure I’ll be able to get my flask into the magic kingdom. I also figure I’ll be able to discreetly mix while sitting at a table.

I thought that would be a fun adventure that won’t get me arrested or banned from Disney. Don’t worry I’m just having a drink. I have no desire to get tipsy. That’s just not my thing.

I can only imagine what could go wrong if someone got drunk in the Magic Kingdom. Think about it for a minute. I could see:

A drunk falling off the boat in It’s a Small World.

Someone trying to Stand up before the drop on Splash Mountain.

Someone thinking one of the characters looks soft and would make a good pillow.

An overheated drunk guy taking a dip in the moat or Rivers of America.

Someone falling asleep on the train and drooling all over the bench.

You could go on and on and the ones I listed are the mostly harmless ones. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure there are drunk people in the Magic Kingdom every day. After all, that would explain a lot. Only a drunk (I hope) would try to feel up Minnie Mouse or pick a fight with a character.

Man Seriously Injured on “It’s A Small World”

Last week a guest was seriously injured while riding “It’s A Small World” in Disney’s Magic Kingdom.

Harry Palms, 41, of Orlando Florida boarded the ride around 1pm last Tuesday. He proceeded to make fun of the dolls, call them obscene names, make rude gestures at them, and finally spit at one of them.

“The doll he spit at lost it. He jumped into the boat and started punching the guy in the face. Next thing you knew dolls from all over the ride swarmed the guy and beat him senseless,” stated an eye witness to the event.

It took three dozen security officers to break up the fight which lasted about twenty minutes and spilled into three other boats.

Palms suffered numerous lacerations, multiple broken bones, and a ruptured spleen. He was airlifted to the hospital where he remains in critical condition. No other park guests were injured.

Disney has started an investigation to determine if any disciplinary action is warranted.

Special Report – It’s a Small World Overhaul

It’s been leaked that Walt Disney Worlds version of “It’s a Small World” will be overhauled. The goal is to not just meet but exceed the new version that can be found in Disney Land.

A Disney World cast member was quoted saying “We’re bigger so we have to be better. That’s why we charge so much for entrance into the park.”

Some of the details about the overhaul have been leaked too. To beat the Disney Land version, each boat will have bubble blowers installed on them. The bubbles will be filled with NO2 also know as Nitrous Oxide or laughing gas.

“We feel this will draw a lot of people back to the ride. A lot of kids who “out grew” the ride should be flocking back after the overhaul” the project manager stated.

“I think NO2 will definitely solidify the fact that Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. Wait till you hear it. People will be laughing uncontrollably” stated a cast member who currently works on the ride.

Other proposed “improvements” are: Laser beams in every scene, a Michael Jackson character in the new Bahrain scene, the addition of Mr. Bubble to the water to make it seem like your floating on air, overweight dolls to better represent children from the western hemisphere, and every doll will have a cell phone.

Hewell Lesta of the WDW Tomorrow podcast was quoted as saying “I think these will be great improvements. The only thing I could ask for in addition is a rum dispenser on each boat. This has always been one of my favorite rides and it looks like it’s going to get even better. I might actually rank this new version over my favorite ride, “Stich’s Great Escape.”

Travel agent Bannette Scochberg had a very different view of the changes. “I think it’s awful that Disney is doing this. It was a classic. It didn’t need to be changed! I also don’t need the NO2. If I want to get tipsy I’ll go drinking around the world.”

Look for the changes to be completed within the next year, with a soft launch within ten months.

We Can Do Better Than Water Boarding

I think people over look what punishment is. People claim that water boarding is not torture and it should be used. I think water boarding is sick and far too intrusive. When did we become so bland? Did everyone forget how to use their imaginations?

Here are some better, more humane, ways to crack people:

1 – Force them to ride “It’s a Small World” for 12 straight hours. I think the cast members who work this ride deserve hazardous duty pay. I walk by this attraction and I get the song stuck in my head. 12 hours should be enough to break anyone.

2 – Make them ride “Star Tours” over and over but delay the tape by one second so nothing lines up. Anyone who knows the history of these rides knows that they can cause motion sickness. That motion sickness increases exponentially if the movie and the ride are not in perfect sync.

3 – Make them ride “Journey into Imagination” or what ever it’s called now. The originally was a classic. The new one is abysmal. After a few hours the offender will be begging for mercy.

4 – Make listen to the burp from “Stich’s Great Escape” and then make them smell the chili dog over and over. You could even mix this up and give the burps other smells.

5 – Make him be a character but don’t give him a cup. After a few good crotch shots they’ll be ready to talk.

The Hall of Presidents, Brought to You by Depends.

Disney loves to get sponsors for its rides, shows, and anything else you could stick a name on. A lot of sponsors have come and go throughout the years. One sponsor recently caught me off guard. Hanes sponsors the Rockin Roller Coaster. When I thought about that I started to laugh. The sad part is Hanes is not using this sponsorship to its full potential. What they need to do is open an under ware stand at the exit of the ride and put a sign above it that says “Replace your soiled undies here!” Come on! It’s a trill ride. They could print “Rockin Roller Coaster Replacement Undies” on all of them. They’d make a killing.

That got me thinking of other missed opportunities. Here are a few I’d like to see:

The Hall of Presidents Sponsored by Depends. This is a natural fit. The people who enjoy this ride the most are Depends target demographic. It’s also a long show. They could sell them at the entrance and exit. That way no one would have to worry about taking a potty break. As Jim Carey put it so eloquently in Dumb and Dumber “Just go man.”

The Mad Tea Party sponsored by Schweppes Ginger Ale. Why not a motion sickness pill maker? Simple, that’s not good business. If you sell the pills to someone who is in line, only so many people will buy them. Motion sickness pills don’t really work after the fact so selling them at the exit isn’t a great idea. However, letting everyone get sick and then selling them ginger ale at an increased price is a sure thing. If your sales start to slip, crank up the ride a notch!

It’s a Small World sponsored by Smith and Wesson. If you think this is an odd match you’re not thinking of it from the business side of things. A majority of the people who are dragged onto this ride are doing so because they have kids or some fruit loop who loves dolls in their group. By the end of the ride guess what kind of mood they’ll be in. A gun buying mood!

The Universe of Energy sponsored by Miracle Ear. This is a perfect fit. This ride is so loud that you’ll need a Miracle Ear by the time it’s over. All you need to do is setup a kiosk at the exit and you’ll make millions.

Swiss Family Tree House sponsored by Kraft. Why Kraft? Simple, today’s kids are dumb. Chances are they don’t know who the Swiss Family Robinson are and if they do they probably don’t know they are called Swiss because they are from Switzerland. I bet 80% of people under 25 think they were called Swiss because they were cheese makers. You might as well profit off of their stupidity.