Tower of Terror Update

I was a little bummed when I heard about the upcoming changes to the Tower of Terror. I have to admit I feel that way because I'm being selfish. I don't want the Tower of Terror to be down for my upcoming vacation.

One thing I wonder about when it comes to the Tower of Terror is - how can you make it better? The only think I could think of was to make it longer. You can't really do that without major changes. Just adding a few drops wouldn't be a big deal.

The next thing that came to mind was to add some more special effects to it. The only problem with that is we'd end up comparing it to the original or even complaining about it and claiming the original was better.

The biggest issue is the simple fact that the Tower of Terror is one of the best rides in Disney World. With so many rides badly needing updates why would you change the best ride you have? Put the money into Journey Into Imagine, Ellen's Energy Adventure, or Stich's Great Escape. Make Disney really better not just a little better.

Len Testa Hates Donald Duck

Recently it came to light that there is a recommendation in the “Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World” that is inaccurate.

As you may know if you follow the blog I ate at Yack and Yeti on my last trip to Walt Disney World. I ordered the duck and it was horrifyingly bad (see Yak Yack and Yeti).

I emailed the gang at the WDW Today Podcast to relay my experience. They answered the email in episode 633. When responding Len asked “Who orders the duck?!?” despite the fact that the duck is recommend in the book he co-authors.

I found it odd that Len would make that statement despite the fact that at least one person has claimed (emphasis on “claimed”) he writes every review, experience, reader feedback, and comment in the Unofficial Guide. That made me do what I do. I looked into it.

I discovered a dark secret and a massive feud that has been raging for years.

Back in 1998 Len was in WDW for a research trip. He was in line for Space Mountain and was just about to get on when Donald Duck cut in front of him taking the last spot on the train. This wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that the ride broke down after that train left the station. Len had to wait for an hour to ride thanks to Donald.

Len got over this in time but another event broke the flood gates open.

In 1999 Donald Duck convinced the Disney big wigs to shut down the Alien Encounter in Tomorrow Land in the Magic Kingdom. This greatly upset Len. Even though the Alien in EAC was not the same species as him he saw it as an attack on all extraterrestrials (see Len Testa – Tequila: The Shocking Connection).

Things calmed down a little when Len’s distant cousin Stich was announced as the star of the new attraction. However, things really hit the fan when the ride opened. Donald ensured that the ride was AWFUL! He ensured that it was a slap in the face to all aliens.

This was the last straw. Len pulled some strings and made sure that duck became a recommended dish in the Unofficial Guide.

Donald didn’t realize the effect of the recommendation until six of his cousins disappeared without a trace. When Donald looked into it he discovered an explosion in the number of ducks being eaten through out Disney World.

In response Donald pulled strings and ensured that the duck was one of the most overcooked, tasteless dishes in Disney World. He also convinced the powers that be to force Stich into another awful attraction. In fact Stich’s Super Sonic Celebration turned out so bad it was shut down after less than a month of shows.

It is rumored that to get back at Donald, Len has recently taken up the sport of duck hunting and convinced the vets over at the Animal Kingdom to castrate all mallard ducks they catch on property.

No one knows how this feud will end but be warned. If you find your self in Disney World and see Len and Donald at the same time, take cover! It won’t be pretty.

DISCLAIMER: The above story is mostly fiction with accurate facts worked in. It’s never been proven that Len is an alien (it’s just common knowledge). Len claims he did not write the review for Yak and Yeti (see episode 668 of the WDW Today Podcast). Donald did not cut Len in line in 1998 (I think he was in front of him to begin with). There is no proof that Donald was involved with the decision to shut down EAC, open Stich’s Great Escape, or involved with the Super Sucky Celebration.

Not On My List

My next WDW trip is less than 90 days away. Most of the planning is done. On my last trip I nearly killed my wife my by going commando and on most nights we left the parks early to go to dinner. This time my plan is much different. I’ve learned from my mistakes. Instead of hitting the parks early we will be hitting them late and closing them out. This way we get to enjoy the last hour the parks are open when most of the people have left.

No matter what your plan is, it is very difficult to do everything. Some stuff normally ends up getting dropped. So what am I going to drop this time?

1 – Tomorrow Land Speedway – I didn’t do this last time and I’m not doing it this time either. I see no reason to do this ride.

2 – Magic Carpets of Aladdin – I’ve never done this ride and I don’t plan on ever doing it. It’s a cheap carnival ride.

3 – Dumbo – I’m not a kid so Dumbo isn’t really a draw.

4 – Astro Orbiter – The view is nice but the line is huge. Plus it’s hard to take pictures at night on this because it’s moving so much.

5 – Stich’s Great Escape – I almost cried when I went on this. Creating this out of EAC was one of the worst things Disney ever did.

6 – Toon Town – I’ve never done this and I never want to. Bring out the wrecking ball!

7 – Ellen’s Energy Adventure – This one is on the fence. No matter how much I love the dinosaurs I can’t stand the show. It’s so loud it hurts.

8 – Imagination with Figment – I don’t want to rape my childhood again. My heart still aches when I see what “Journey Into Imagination” turned into.

9 – Kali River Rapids – It’s too short and it’s too wet.

10 – It’s a Small World – I’m not a sadist so why would I subject myself to this?

11 – The Tea Cups – The only reason this is on the list is because my wife can’t spin and going on this alone is just sad.

12 – Back Lot Tour – There is just no reason to do this every time you go. Last time I got picked to do the boat scene and I saw the canyon.

13 – PW in Dino Land – It’s so bad I refuse to even name it. Last time my wife cracked her ribs on it because they tried to cram four of us on the ride.

14 – Chester and Hester’s – Does anyone do this abomination of an area? I don’t even want to see this area it’s so ugly.

There are some others too but I don’t need to name them. If you can’t see two adults with no kids doing it, we’re not doing it.

The Problem with Planning

I’ve heard some people complain that attractions are not timed correctly. They feel that an attraction is coming out after the fact. Two good examples are Pooh and American Idol.

Pooh had made a little comeback in the early to mid nineties. I don’t know what caused it but I remember people liking Pooh. For Disney to time the opening of Pooh correctly they would have had to open Pooh around 1994. Instead it opened years later.

Idol opened about three years too late. A lot of people have scratched their heads trying to figure out the timing. Why would you open a big attraction when what it’s based on seems to be waning?

The big thing to remember in both cases is the risk / reward. Opening Pooh in 94 would mean you’d have to start planning it around 91. Construction is typically is fastest step. It takes a long time to develop a ride and get it off the drawing board. In 91 the Pooh thing had barely started if it had started at all. In 91 the idea would have seemed foolish. It would have been a huge risk.

What if Disney had opened Idol a few years ago? Big risk. The first season was huge. The second season was big too. However, how many TV shows, especially reality shows, last more than three or four seasons? Disney could have found itself opening an attraction for a canceled show. By waiting they know the show will be around for at least a few more years and they found a sponsor to pay for it. In other words – low risk.

In both cases if Disney could have opened them during the peaks of Idol and Pooh they would have attracted far more people but that just wasn’t possible. Despite the rumors, Disney does not have a crystal ball or a time machine (yet). If they did do you think they would have opened Stich’s Great Escape, overhauled Journey Into Imagination, or opened any of the other shockingly bad attractions over the years?

Stich Needs a Break

So once again Disney is trying to force Stich into another show / attraction. I’m not going to be surprised if we have another failure on our hands with this one. I can’t understand why Disney keeps trying to cram Stich into odd places. We don’t see Belle going on a deer hunt. We don’t see Peter Pan going for a ride on the NYC subway. We don’t see Mary Poppins going mountain climbing in the Himalayas. So why does Stich keep ending up in odd places? Why are new stories pulled out when he already had a good one?

If you want to put Stich in the a ride MAKE A LILO AND STICH RIDE! Make a dark ride based on the movie. That would have been cheaper then putting him in the worst ride in Disney World, making an awful show featuring him, and then reinventing that awful show. Stich is a cool character. Stop abusing him and put some sun glasses on him. The sunglasses hide his black eyes and make him seem goofy instead of freaky.

I’d like to make another request. Please keep Stich sway from the HGH. He somehow went from a cute little alien to an enormous moose. That’s not cool. I want the cute little guy that reminds me of Yoda not some huge beast that scares the crap out of kids.

If you can’t use Stich correctly don’t use him until you figure it out.

The Curse of Stich

Some people don’t believe in curses. Other people have seen irrefutable proof that they exist. I’ve always lived in NH which means I grew up a Red Sox fan. Red Sox fans know a thing or two about curses. For generations the “Curse of the Bambino” wasn’t just an urban legend it was a fact. People saw the proof of it year after year. The Red Sox could not win. They’d get so close and then implode over and over again. The final blow came in 2003. All we needed was a few outs and the Yankees would fall and we’d be in the World Series. We lost.

Little did we know that something else happened in 2003 the broke the curse. According to legend to break a curse you need to appease the person who set the curse or another greater injustice needs to occur. In the later case the curse will be pulled from its current subject and thrust onto the new subject.

In 2003 “Alien Encounter” in the Magic Kingdom was closed. When a good, ground breaking ride dies, a massive void is created. That void pulled the curse off of the Red Sox and onto the Disney character Stich.

The evidence came in 2004. The Red Sox mad history, they came from three games down to defeat the Yankees in the greatest ALCS of all time. Shortly after, Stich’s Great Escape opened.

There was no doubt that the Great Escape was the worst attraction in Disney World. It remained the worst attraction until an attempt was made to break Stich out. When the Supersonic Celebration debuted it was evident that the curse hadn’t just landed on Stich, it was worse than ever!

The curse isn’t dangerous; it’s just very painful to watch. If anymore Stich rides come out, avoid them at all costs. You’ll just be disappointed.

We Can Do Better Than Water Boarding

I think people over look what punishment is. People claim that water boarding is not torture and it should be used. I think water boarding is sick and far too intrusive. When did we become so bland? Did everyone forget how to use their imaginations?

Here are some better, more humane, ways to crack people:

1 – Force them to ride “It’s a Small World” for 12 straight hours. I think the cast members who work this ride deserve hazardous duty pay. I walk by this attraction and I get the song stuck in my head. 12 hours should be enough to break anyone.

2 – Make them ride “Star Tours” over and over but delay the tape by one second so nothing lines up. Anyone who knows the history of these rides knows that they can cause motion sickness. That motion sickness increases exponentially if the movie and the ride are not in perfect sync.

3 – Make them ride “Journey into Imagination” or what ever it’s called now. The originally was a classic. The new one is abysmal. After a few hours the offender will be begging for mercy.

4 – Make listen to the burp from “Stich’s Great Escape” and then make them smell the chili dog over and over. You could even mix this up and give the burps other smells.

5 – Make him be a character but don’t give him a cup. After a few good crotch shots they’ll be ready to talk.

Len Testa – Tequila – The Shocking Connection

If you’ve listened to more than five episodes of WDW Today you know that the co-author of the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World, Len Testa, likes a good tequila. At first I didn’t think anything of this. People like booze. I like Scotch, my Wife likes bourbon, and my friend Bill likes anything wet.

When I saw a picture of Len things changed. I thought “wow, something isn’t right here.” I decided to research it (you must know what that means by now).

I followed Len around during his most recent visit to Disney World. I kept a good distance and used a hidden camera. In a three hour span he consumed 1.25 gallons of tequila. That’s 150 ounces of tequila. A good drink is about two ounces. That equals around 75 drinks in three hours. One drink in one hour raises the average human’s blood alcohol content by .02. When you consider what the human body can process it would equal a blood alcohol content of roughly 1.1. That’s impossible. Even a hardcore alcoholic would pass out around .25. Most people would be dead at .30.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t really drinking tequila. Maybe Disney just waters down their alcohol more than I originally thought. That wasn’t the case. I kept following Len. He went into his favorite ride, Stiches Great Escape. Instead of going around the queue ropes, he looked around, no one was around (come on it is SGE no one actually rides that thing), he then levitated off the ground and over the rope. I thought this was strange. So I kept following him. During the ride he got teary eyed when Stich appeared. I just thought he must really like Stich. I followed him for the rest of the day without incident.

At night he went back to his hotel. I looked through the blinds to his room and saw him unzip his skin. An Alien that looked like Stich stepped out. It was then that I realized that Len was an alien from another planet who could levitate and needs to drink tequila because tequila is their version of water. Without it they die.

I kept watching. Len grabbed a six pack of Moxie. He drank all six and started laughing, talking funny, and staggering around. I realized that Moxie is their version of alcohol. I then realized why Moxie still exists. It’s not the fact that people like the taste. After all it tastes like bile. It still exists because aliens get drunk on it.

Just one day of following someone around answered so many questions.

How to fix the worst ride in the “World”

Many people agree that Stitch’s Great Escape is the worst ride in Disney World. It’s hard to find the words to describe how bad it is. The only thing I can say is that I’ve never heard of anyone giving it a thumbs up. More people would recommend the “Tooth Chipper” from an old episode of the Simpsons before recommending Stich’s Great Escape. There are so many things wrong with this ride it’s almost comical.

After thinking about it, I’ve come up with a way to fix Stich’s Great Escape without breaking the budget.

In the pre-ride – scrap the whole prison thing, it just doesn’t work. Bring it back to the original idea of EAC and show a friendly example of a teleportation with Skippy. Take the time to add a good amount of humor into this but avoid the cartoon crap that’s currently a big part of the ride. At the end of the preshow tell everyone that one person is going to be teleported across the room. Then pick someone over the age of 18 who is willing to play along.

In the teleport room build two new tubes on opposite sides if the room with an elevator that goes down below the floor. The volunteer steps in, is surrounded by fog and is lowered under the attraction to where a cast member is waiting. The cast member leads the volunteer to the other elevator and gives them an ugly shirt and has them put it on. While this is happening there is a lot of stuff going on up above that makes it seems like the person it going through the solar system and then ends up at the other “teleporter.” When that happens the person is send back up in the elevator in another cloud of fog. Then a there is a wise crack about the persons shirt being scrambled in the process but that’s better than last time when the person got scrambled and came out looking like this guy – the camera would then focus on someone else in the audience.

For the third part Stich is teleported in via the center tube and then does some funny stuff like spit on someone he thinks needs a shower. Stich would also be interviewed by the narrator and give some funny responses that involve people in the audience. For example ask him what he likes to wear and then have him say not like that guy and point out someone in the audience. Then have another question involving who in the audience looks tough and point out a baby or little kid. There would be a big pool of questions to ensure that the ride is always different. Stich would then say that the surf is up on some distant planet and say good bye to everyone and disappear in cloud of fog.

This would fix a number of the issues the current ride has. It would take out the scary part. The restraints could be removed. The darkness would be removed. It would give everyone a good laugh. Most of all it would turn it into a ride that would appeal to a wide audience and encourage people to go on it more than once.