Len Testa Hates Donald Duck

Recently it came to light that there is a recommendation in the “Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World” that is inaccurate.

As you may know if you follow the blog I ate at Yack and Yeti on my last trip to Walt Disney World. I ordered the duck and it was horrifyingly bad (see Yak Yack and Yeti).

I emailed the gang at the WDW Today Podcast to relay my experience. They answered the email in episode 633. When responding Len asked “Who orders the duck?!?” despite the fact that the duck is recommend in the book he co-authors.

I found it odd that Len would make that statement despite the fact that at least one person has claimed (emphasis on “claimed”) he writes every review, experience, reader feedback, and comment in the Unofficial Guide. That made me do what I do. I looked into it.

I discovered a dark secret and a massive feud that has been raging for years.

Back in 1998 Len was in WDW for a research trip. He was in line for Space Mountain and was just about to get on when Donald Duck cut in front of him taking the last spot on the train. This wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that the ride broke down after that train left the station. Len had to wait for an hour to ride thanks to Donald.

Len got over this in time but another event broke the flood gates open.

In 1999 Donald Duck convinced the Disney big wigs to shut down the Alien Encounter in Tomorrow Land in the Magic Kingdom. This greatly upset Len. Even though the Alien in EAC was not the same species as him he saw it as an attack on all extraterrestrials (see Len Testa – Tequila: The Shocking Connection).

Things calmed down a little when Len’s distant cousin Stich was announced as the star of the new attraction. However, things really hit the fan when the ride opened. Donald ensured that the ride was AWFUL! He ensured that it was a slap in the face to all aliens.

This was the last straw. Len pulled some strings and made sure that duck became a recommended dish in the Unofficial Guide.

Donald didn’t realize the effect of the recommendation until six of his cousins disappeared without a trace. When Donald looked into it he discovered an explosion in the number of ducks being eaten through out Disney World.

In response Donald pulled strings and ensured that the duck was one of the most overcooked, tasteless dishes in Disney World. He also convinced the powers that be to force Stich into another awful attraction. In fact Stich’s Super Sonic Celebration turned out so bad it was shut down after less than a month of shows.

It is rumored that to get back at Donald, Len has recently taken up the sport of duck hunting and convinced the vets over at the Animal Kingdom to castrate all mallard ducks they catch on property.

No one knows how this feud will end but be warned. If you find your self in Disney World and see Len and Donald at the same time, take cover! It won’t be pretty.

DISCLAIMER: The above story is mostly fiction with accurate facts worked in. It’s never been proven that Len is an alien (it’s just common knowledge). Len claims he did not write the review for Yak and Yeti (see episode 668 of the WDW Today Podcast). Donald did not cut Len in line in 1998 (I think he was in front of him to begin with). There is no proof that Donald was involved with the decision to shut down EAC, open Stich’s Great Escape, or involved with the Super Sucky Celebration.

Wish List

So it’s a new year and most companies are ready to roll with their strategic plans. Disney is no different. They no doubt have a plan for the year. That leads me to wonder what would I like to see happen in the next year?

1. Future World Renewal – Future World is part great and part garbage. I’d love to see the Universe of Energy get a makeover. I’d also love to see the Imagine Pavilion brought back from the dead.

2. Finish the World Showcase – It’s been how long? Forget years, how many decades have you had to finish the world showcase? I was nine when the last pavilion opened. I don’t want one, I want two new countries! No actually I want as many as will fit over there. It’s time for some new countries.

3. Ease Off the DVC – I can’t afford DVC. Even if I could my wife would murder me if I bought into it. It seems like all of the new resorts are either non-Disney or DVC. Why not pull one of the old ideas out of your hat? There were some great plans back in the day. You’ve got the room.

4. Expand the Monorail – You know the worst part about the Animal Kingdom is getting there. Can you imagine if the monorail went there?

5. More Bang for the Buck – Over the last few years more and more has been stripped out of Disney and at the same time ticket prices have increased. Stop that! Just leave the prices alone and start adding stuff back in.

6. Roll Out the Booze – Alcohol doesn’t ruin the family atmosphere at Epcot, Animal Kingdom, or Disney Hollywood Studios so why can’t I get a drink in the Magic Kingdom? The Magic Kingdom would be a little more Magical if I could get a shot of Glenlevit somewhere.

7. Walt Disney World Explorer 2010 – I’d be very happy if you would do a new Walt Disney World Explorer. I loved that CD. It was the best. I wasted so much time on it, it’s embarrassing. I’d pay top dollar for it but knowing my luck you’d only release it on PC.

8. Castle Suite – I’d like to stay in the castle suite. Is that too much too ask? It’s not like its being used for anything.

9. Epic Mickey – Please let Epic Mickey be a good video game. Don’t wreck it by trying to please everyone.

10. Stich – Please put Stich out of his misery. Everything you have put him in has been a mess. If you can’t use Stich right don’t use him at all.

Stich Needs a Break

So once again Disney is trying to force Stich into another show / attraction. I’m not going to be surprised if we have another failure on our hands with this one. I can’t understand why Disney keeps trying to cram Stich into odd places. We don’t see Belle going on a deer hunt. We don’t see Peter Pan going for a ride on the NYC subway. We don’t see Mary Poppins going mountain climbing in the Himalayas. So why does Stich keep ending up in odd places? Why are new stories pulled out when he already had a good one?

If you want to put Stich in the a ride MAKE A LILO AND STICH RIDE! Make a dark ride based on the movie. That would have been cheaper then putting him in the worst ride in Disney World, making an awful show featuring him, and then reinventing that awful show. Stich is a cool character. Stop abusing him and put some sun glasses on him. The sunglasses hide his black eyes and make him seem goofy instead of freaky.

I’d like to make another request. Please keep Stich sway from the HGH. He somehow went from a cute little alien to an enormous moose. That’s not cool. I want the cute little guy that reminds me of Yoda not some huge beast that scares the crap out of kids.

If you can’t use Stich correctly don’t use him until you figure it out.

Disney Accidents

Some people have criticized Disney recently because of the deaths of three cast members. I normally don’t take Disney’s side on most subjects. I often poke fun at them for not thinking things through or just being stupid. This is one area where I will defend them.

1 – The Monorail Accident: How long has the Monorail been in operation? How many people have ridden the Monorail over that period of time? I’m just going to guess at the number but I’d say it’s at least 500 million. So that means for every 500 million people who ride the Monorail, one person dies. There is nothing wrong with your safety policies if you have the ratio on mass transit. So what happened? It looks like it was gross human error. The safety procedures were not followed. What could Disney have done about that?

2 – The Jack Sparrow Accident: First let me say that I’ve seen this show. This is not an extreme show. It’s just a nice funny show. What can you do to prevent someone from slipping? He was on tarmac. The shoes the actors wear are not crazy. Accidents happen. What are the odds someone is going to slip and strike their head so hard they break a vertebra? It was a fluke accident.

3 – The Indiana Jones Accident: During a rehearsal a cast member blotches a roll and breaks his neck. This one is beyond a fluke. Take into consideration that he was a stunt man in a stunt show. Also remember he was doing a minor stunt that I did all the time when I was a kid. He was just doing a rolling summersault. He wasn’t jumping off a building or anything wild. How can you blame Disney for that? If anything he was doing something that promotes safety. He was practicing.

In the past Disney has made some big mistakes and they have had some loose safety policies that have led to injury and death. In all cases they made changes to try and prevent any future accidents.

Disney has to be one of the safest parks in the world. I’ve never felt unsafe while in a Disney Park or resort. If you want to feel like you are in danger, go check out your local fair. The fairs are starting up in New England this time of year. I wouldn’t be surprised to see duct tape holding some of those rides together. It is the only place you can go and have the merry go round be considered a thrill ride because you don’t know if it’s going to give way seriously injury you.

If you want to criticize Disney do it where they deserve it. Need some ideas? How about: D23, ticket prices, hotel prices, food prices, cut backs, layoffs, poor quality merchandise, ride closures, shameless self promotion, and stuffing Stich down our throats.

The Curse of Stich

Some people don’t believe in curses. Other people have seen irrefutable proof that they exist. I’ve always lived in NH which means I grew up a Red Sox fan. Red Sox fans know a thing or two about curses. For generations the “Curse of the Bambino” wasn’t just an urban legend it was a fact. People saw the proof of it year after year. The Red Sox could not win. They’d get so close and then implode over and over again. The final blow came in 2003. All we needed was a few outs and the Yankees would fall and we’d be in the World Series. We lost.

Little did we know that something else happened in 2003 the broke the curse. According to legend to break a curse you need to appease the person who set the curse or another greater injustice needs to occur. In the later case the curse will be pulled from its current subject and thrust onto the new subject.

In 2003 “Alien Encounter” in the Magic Kingdom was closed. When a good, ground breaking ride dies, a massive void is created. That void pulled the curse off of the Red Sox and onto the Disney character Stich.

The evidence came in 2004. The Red Sox mad history, they came from three games down to defeat the Yankees in the greatest ALCS of all time. Shortly after, Stich’s Great Escape opened.

There was no doubt that the Great Escape was the worst attraction in Disney World. It remained the worst attraction until an attempt was made to break Stich out. When the Supersonic Celebration debuted it was evident that the curse hadn’t just landed on Stich, it was worse than ever!

The curse isn’t dangerous; it’s just very painful to watch. If anymore Stich rides come out, avoid them at all costs. You’ll just be disappointed.

Len Testa – Tequila – The Shocking Connection

If you’ve listened to more than five episodes of WDW Today you know that the co-author of the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World, Len Testa, likes a good tequila. At first I didn’t think anything of this. People like booze. I like Scotch, my Wife likes bourbon, and my friend Bill likes anything wet.

When I saw a picture of Len things changed. I thought “wow, something isn’t right here.” I decided to research it (you must know what that means by now).

I followed Len around during his most recent visit to Disney World. I kept a good distance and used a hidden camera. In a three hour span he consumed 1.25 gallons of tequila. That’s 150 ounces of tequila. A good drink is about two ounces. That equals around 75 drinks in three hours. One drink in one hour raises the average human’s blood alcohol content by .02. When you consider what the human body can process it would equal a blood alcohol content of roughly 1.1. That’s impossible. Even a hardcore alcoholic would pass out around .25. Most people would be dead at .30.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t really drinking tequila. Maybe Disney just waters down their alcohol more than I originally thought. That wasn’t the case. I kept following Len. He went into his favorite ride, Stiches Great Escape. Instead of going around the queue ropes, he looked around, no one was around (come on it is SGE no one actually rides that thing), he then levitated off the ground and over the rope. I thought this was strange. So I kept following him. During the ride he got teary eyed when Stich appeared. I just thought he must really like Stich. I followed him for the rest of the day without incident.

At night he went back to his hotel. I looked through the blinds to his room and saw him unzip his skin. An Alien that looked like Stich stepped out. It was then that I realized that Len was an alien from another planet who could levitate and needs to drink tequila because tequila is their version of water. Without it they die.

I kept watching. Len grabbed a six pack of Moxie. He drank all six and started laughing, talking funny, and staggering around. I realized that Moxie is their version of alcohol. I then realized why Moxie still exists. It’s not the fact that people like the taste. After all it tastes like bile. It still exists because aliens get drunk on it.

Just one day of following someone around answered so many questions.

How to fix the worst ride in the “World”

Many people agree that Stitch’s Great Escape is the worst ride in Disney World. It’s hard to find the words to describe how bad it is. The only thing I can say is that I’ve never heard of anyone giving it a thumbs up. More people would recommend the “Tooth Chipper” from an old episode of the Simpsons before recommending Stich’s Great Escape. There are so many things wrong with this ride it’s almost comical.

After thinking about it, I’ve come up with a way to fix Stich’s Great Escape without breaking the budget.

In the pre-ride – scrap the whole prison thing, it just doesn’t work. Bring it back to the original idea of EAC and show a friendly example of a teleportation with Skippy. Take the time to add a good amount of humor into this but avoid the cartoon crap that’s currently a big part of the ride. At the end of the preshow tell everyone that one person is going to be teleported across the room. Then pick someone over the age of 18 who is willing to play along.

In the teleport room build two new tubes on opposite sides if the room with an elevator that goes down below the floor. The volunteer steps in, is surrounded by fog and is lowered under the attraction to where a cast member is waiting. The cast member leads the volunteer to the other elevator and gives them an ugly shirt and has them put it on. While this is happening there is a lot of stuff going on up above that makes it seems like the person it going through the solar system and then ends up at the other “teleporter.” When that happens the person is send back up in the elevator in another cloud of fog. Then a there is a wise crack about the persons shirt being scrambled in the process but that’s better than last time when the person got scrambled and came out looking like this guy – the camera would then focus on someone else in the audience.

For the third part Stich is teleported in via the center tube and then does some funny stuff like spit on someone he thinks needs a shower. Stich would also be interviewed by the narrator and give some funny responses that involve people in the audience. For example ask him what he likes to wear and then have him say not like that guy and point out someone in the audience. Then have another question involving who in the audience looks tough and point out a baby or little kid. There would be a big pool of questions to ensure that the ride is always different. Stich would then say that the surf is up on some distant planet and say good bye to everyone and disappear in cloud of fog.

This would fix a number of the issues the current ride has. It would take out the scary part. The restraints could be removed. The darkness would be removed. It would give everyone a good laugh. Most of all it would turn it into a ride that would appeal to a wide audience and encourage people to go on it more than once.

Rides That Need to Retire

We all have our favorite rides. Some rides that others consider boring we love. Some rides we love are now alive only in our memories. Then there are rides that need to be put out of their misery.

Ride I want to see shutdown:

The Tiki Room Under New Management. The old Tiki Room was kind of boring but I liked. I liked it because I had fond memories of it when I was a kid. Too many people thought the old one was boring so Disney found a way to make it worse. The “new” Tiki Room is about as pleasant as a festering gut pile. What were the Imagineers thinking (or smoking) when they came up with the “improvements?” To fix this ride I suggest that it be shut down, restored to its original form, and moved to the Polynesian Resort. I know that’s not feasible but I like the idea.

Stitch’s Great Escape. Dumb parents who force kids on a scary ride should not be a valid reason for shutting down that ride and replacing it with arguably the most abysmal ride in the history of Disney World. I remember going on The ExtraTERRORisal Alien Encounter when I was 15. I was blown away. I loved it. The technology, the story, the experience, everything about it was amazing. The problem was it was too graphic and too scary to be in the Magic Kingdom. So Disney flushed it down the toilet and replaced it. Everything that was good was replaced with crap. I’ve never met anyone who likes the new Stitch version. To fix this – One: burn everything down so it’s sterilized. Two: Rebuild it from the ground up at DHS and follow the original plans and put the alien from Alien in it.

I’m going to get flack on this one – Winnie the Pooh. This ride stinks. It’s the worst dark ride I’ve been on. Mr. Toads Wide Ride was demolished for this? The artwork is good but not great. The special effects are bland. The ride doesn’t do the story justice. The only reason people like this ride, is because people love Pooh. How to fix: a gallon of gas and a match.

That thing in Mexico. Mexico has such an amazing atmosphere. It’s the most impressive of all of the countries in the world showcase. The original ride was bad. There is no other way to describe it. It stunk. I was glad when I heard they were overhauling it. When I went on the new version I couldn’t help but think “This is it? You overhauled it and this is the result?” It’s better than the original but that like saying the bread is now stale instead of moldy. How to fix: The entire ride needs to match the beginning of the ride. It’s impressive when you float by the pyramid. Gut the rest and start from scratch.

Let the hate mail roll in – Finding Nemo the Musical. I’d like this ride if I was on dugs. This show is just too odd for me to enjoy. I can’t wrap my head around it. Do puppets or do people or have them both but interacting with each other. Why stick someone in a body suit and run around with a giant puppet and then have the person talk to the puppet? I might be splitting hairs but I think this one could be better executed. I also have to pose this question: Why did a nonmusical get converted into a musical when you could have done a Little Mermaid musical? I’m not some sicko who has an Ariel fetish. The Little Mermaid had three songs that actually turned into hits. Go figure. To fix: Do a puppet show. Get the people out of there. Don’t cut corners by having people running around with giant puppets because it’s too expensive to have puppets controlled from above or below.

The Movie in Norway. On second thought don’t replace this one. It’s a riot. I laugh every time I watch this movie. The scene with the guy in front of the computer makes me laugh so hard I nearly pee myself. This has to be the most outdated movie in Disney World. It’s like watching a public service announcement from the 50s. It’s loud as any anything too. This movie will hurt your ears! To fix: Umm…maybe shoot a new movie. What’s worse paying for it yourself because Norway doesn’t want to help foot the bill or continuing to show this joke of a movie?

I think I’ll get the most flack for this one. Astro Orbiter. My reasoning is this, how may of these rides do we need? We have Dumbo, Astro Orbiter, Magic carpet ride, and the Dino ride in Animal Kingdom. We don’t need Astro Orbiter. Dumbo is iconic. You cannot remove it. Astro Orbiter might be iconic but we can do better. How to fix: put a highly themed launch ride in there that shoots people sky high. That way you get the amazing views from up there but have something new and exciting that can move a lot of people in a short period of time.

Tomorrow Land Speedway. This wasn’t really cool when I was ten. How has it lasted so long? It stinks (literally), it’s loud, and it takes up an enormous amount of space. It doesn’t even fit the theming of Tomorrow Land. To fix: Just get rid of it. It’s just not worth keeping.

The Universe of Energy. First of all why isn’t an oil company sponsoring this? You think they’d want to try to improve their public image a little. This ride amazed me when I was a kid. I loved dinosaurs back then. Even the songs that were part of the ride were good even if they were corny. Jump to today. We have the beloved dinosaurs sandwiched by an awful movie which is beyond loud. Even though I love those dinosaurs it’s time to demolish this attraction. To fix: This ride needs an overhaul on the level of the Horizons and World of Motion Pavilions (not that I agree with those but that’s another story). Tear it down and start from scratch.

Journey Into Imagine With Figment. This was my favorite ride when I was eight. I loved figment, the ride was bright and colorful, and it was fun. Anyone who has been on it since the first rehab understands why this in on the list. What has happened to this ride is really sad. This ride is such a waste of space now it’s appalling. To fix: Major Rehab to restore the look and feel of the original ride.