Rides That Need to Retire

We all have our favorite rides. Some rides that others consider boring we love. Some rides we love are now alive only in our memories. Then there are rides that need to be put out of their misery.

Ride I want to see shutdown:

The Tiki Room Under New Management. The old Tiki Room was kind of boring but I liked. I liked it because I had fond memories of it when I was a kid. Too many people thought the old one was boring so Disney found a way to make it worse. The “new” Tiki Room is about as pleasant as a festering gut pile. What were the Imagineers thinking (or smoking) when they came up with the “improvements?” To fix this ride I suggest that it be shut down, restored to its original form, and moved to the Polynesian Resort. I know that’s not feasible but I like the idea.

Stitch’s Great Escape. Dumb parents who force kids on a scary ride should not be a valid reason for shutting down that ride and replacing it with arguably the most abysmal ride in the history of Disney World. I remember going on The ExtraTERRORisal Alien Encounter when I was 15. I was blown away. I loved it. The technology, the story, the experience, everything about it was amazing. The problem was it was too graphic and too scary to be in the Magic Kingdom. So Disney flushed it down the toilet and replaced it. Everything that was good was replaced with crap. I’ve never met anyone who likes the new Stitch version. To fix this – One: burn everything down so it’s sterilized. Two: Rebuild it from the ground up at DHS and follow the original plans and put the alien from Alien in it.

I’m going to get flack on this one – Winnie the Pooh. This ride stinks. It’s the worst dark ride I’ve been on. Mr. Toads Wide Ride was demolished for this? The artwork is good but not great. The special effects are bland. The ride doesn’t do the story justice. The only reason people like this ride, is because people love Pooh. How to fix: a gallon of gas and a match.

That thing in Mexico. Mexico has such an amazing atmosphere. It’s the most impressive of all of the countries in the world showcase. The original ride was bad. There is no other way to describe it. It stunk. I was glad when I heard they were overhauling it. When I went on the new version I couldn’t help but think “This is it? You overhauled it and this is the result?” It’s better than the original but that like saying the bread is now stale instead of moldy. How to fix: The entire ride needs to match the beginning of the ride. It’s impressive when you float by the pyramid. Gut the rest and start from scratch.

Let the hate mail roll in – Finding Nemo the Musical. I’d like this ride if I was on dugs. This show is just too odd for me to enjoy. I can’t wrap my head around it. Do puppets or do people or have them both but interacting with each other. Why stick someone in a body suit and run around with a giant puppet and then have the person talk to the puppet? I might be splitting hairs but I think this one could be better executed. I also have to pose this question: Why did a nonmusical get converted into a musical when you could have done a Little Mermaid musical? I’m not some sicko who has an Ariel fetish. The Little Mermaid had three songs that actually turned into hits. Go figure. To fix: Do a puppet show. Get the people out of there. Don’t cut corners by having people running around with giant puppets because it’s too expensive to have puppets controlled from above or below.

The Movie in Norway. On second thought don’t replace this one. It’s a riot. I laugh every time I watch this movie. The scene with the guy in front of the computer makes me laugh so hard I nearly pee myself. This has to be the most outdated movie in Disney World. It’s like watching a public service announcement from the 50s. It’s loud as any anything too. This movie will hurt your ears! To fix: Umm…maybe shoot a new movie. What’s worse paying for it yourself because Norway doesn’t want to help foot the bill or continuing to show this joke of a movie?

I think I’ll get the most flack for this one. Astro Orbiter. My reasoning is this, how may of these rides do we need? We have Dumbo, Astro Orbiter, Magic carpet ride, and the Dino ride in Animal Kingdom. We don’t need Astro Orbiter. Dumbo is iconic. You cannot remove it. Astro Orbiter might be iconic but we can do better. How to fix: put a highly themed launch ride in there that shoots people sky high. That way you get the amazing views from up there but have something new and exciting that can move a lot of people in a short period of time.

Tomorrow Land Speedway. This wasn’t really cool when I was ten. How has it lasted so long? It stinks (literally), it’s loud, and it takes up an enormous amount of space. It doesn’t even fit the theming of Tomorrow Land. To fix: Just get rid of it. It’s just not worth keeping.

The Universe of Energy. First of all why isn’t an oil company sponsoring this? You think they’d want to try to improve their public image a little. This ride amazed me when I was a kid. I loved dinosaurs back then. Even the songs that were part of the ride were good even if they were corny. Jump to today. We have the beloved dinosaurs sandwiched by an awful movie which is beyond loud. Even though I love those dinosaurs it’s time to demolish this attraction. To fix: This ride needs an overhaul on the level of the Horizons and World of Motion Pavilions (not that I agree with those but that’s another story). Tear it down and start from scratch.

Journey Into Imagine With Figment. This was my favorite ride when I was eight. I loved figment, the ride was bright and colorful, and it was fun. Anyone who has been on it since the first rehab understands why this in on the list. What has happened to this ride is really sad. This ride is such a waste of space now it’s appalling. To fix: Major Rehab to restore the look and feel of the original ride.