Secrets Playa Bonita: Final Comments

Playa Bonita was, in a word, disappointing.  It did not live up to the Secrets name.  In fact, it dragged the Secrets name into the mud.  At this point, I cannot imagine I will ever return to a Secrets resort.

The food service dramatically improved after they fired the food and beverage manager and replaced him with an actual Secrets employee.   There were still some glaring issues, but the improvement was remarkable

In some ways it seemed like Panama wanted to get rid of us.  The checkout process was far better than checking, but I think that goes without saying.  Checking in was a nightmare.  The transfer to the airport was dramatically better too.  They sent a car and we were there in about a forty minutes.

I think all of the speaks to the biggest issue at Playa Bonita - consistency.  There are some rare times when you get an employee who seems to care and then there is the 90% when things are not so good and you are lucky to get water.

On a side note, I did discover the working arrangements (at least for the front desk).  The employees work six days a week for seven hours.  They get one day off that is determined by their managers.  I hope they get paid well, since that kind of schedule seems like it would lead to burnout.

Overall, don't go to Play Bonita.  Maybe in a few years it might be okay, but right now it's not good.  Maybe if you can get a deal for $99 per person per day, it might be a value.  Just lower your expectations and don't expect it to be a Secrets.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Eight - You Might Die.

Last night we hit the Caribbean Night.  It was almost the same as Panama Night, but with different food.  If you want to eat outside, this is the way to go.  Usually at night the temp drops to around 80 with a nice breeze.  This makes it very comfortable.

This is our last day.  I think in some ways that we were forgotten.  Many people received a coupon package when they checked in.  We did not.  Most people had some useful information left in their room about the resort and tours you could take.  We did not get get that.  Some people got snacks in their room.  We never got that.  Some people got nips of alcohol.  We didn't get that either.

We were stunned last night to arrive back at our room to find the minibar guy restocking the fridge.  He was slow as molasses, but that slowness allowed me to look at his cart.  There was a number of things other people got in their mini-fridge that we did not.

I guess the drawback of getting your mini-bar refilled is that we didn't get a turn down.  When you get your turn down, you get your agenda for the next day.  If we want to know what's open tonight, we'll have to take a trip to the front desk.  Happy days!

I have to provide a very serious warning to anyone reading this.  If you have food allergies, your life could be in danger by coming here.  I wish I was kidding.  Time and again, the menu does not match what is delivered to you.  Often nuts are added to items or they are in items without being put on the description.  Shellfish can also pop up without notice.  If you get an extremely competent waiter, you might be able to ask them whats in the food.  Most of the time, that won't help, unless you speak Spanish.

Let me give an example of a disconnect between the menu and what is delivered.  The cheese plate on the menu says "Served with assorted breads, homemade pickles, and marmalade."  Look for yourself...

Possibly Lethal Descriptions

Someone with a gluten allergy would never order that.  That's too bad.  What was delivery was gluten free.  However, it came with nuts, no bread, no homemade pickles, and no marmalade.

You will often see items on the menu listed as gluten free or vegetarian.  I would not trust that.  You would be taking a serious chance if you trust any of the descriptions on these menus.  Time and again they have been far from accurate.

Our vacation is almost over.  I can't remember the last time I really looked forward to going home.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but I have to say, after this experience I would not return to a Secrets.  ANY Secrets.   It's too risky.  It would be a complete gamble.   I'd rather put my money in a trusted, reliable brand.  If a Grand Suite on Royal Caribbean costs about the same as a Secrets vacation, there is zero reason to pick Secrets.  Royal Caribbean provides a reliable product. You know what you are going to get.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Seven - Hmmmmm.....

Things on the service side have continued to improve.  It's amazing the impact a good old firing can have.  There are still some glaring issues.  The Seaside Grill is much improved but remains the weak link in the bunch.

The other services issues remain.  For example, I've been to the front desk five times.  four of those were negative experiences.  The only time it was decent was when an employee named "Maria" waited on me.  She actually smiled and was helpful!

There is another thing that really concerns me and could be a factor behind the poor service.  Many of the employees have been working six to seven straight days.  That would be bad enough but it appears that some of them work over 12hrs a day.  It's no wonder they act like they don't care.  The only way someone can work like that, is when they contract like a cruise ship.  It's not easy, but the prospect of having three months of paid time off can be very motivating.   It's possible that the employees here have a six months on, three months off kind of deal, but that seems really unlikely.

It's also possible that they are working the grueling hours to get the resort off the ground.  Many of the staff have name tags that say "Training" on them.  I don't doubt that Secrets had to do a big purge and a big hiring.  That's what's happens when you take over a failed resort.

The one stand out thing that I will give this resort is are the grounds.  They are very nice.  They've done a great job keeping them up and you can see the workers all over the place.

If nothing else you can hide under an umbrella and enjoy the view.  On the downside, there are few available and they fill up fast.  If you want any kind of decent shade for the day, you'll need to get out there before eight in the morning.  That's a tall order for most people on vacation.

The weather has been great.

If you feel like walking, you can walk all the way down the beach in both directions.  Down the far side, near the other resort, you will find some mangroves that you can walk through.  I know they are not true mangroves, but who'd want to walk through them?

It's a neat area to check out.

As a side note, for anyone who is from a culture where going topless is common, if you want to, you can sunbathe topless.  They will not stop you.  There is a French lady that has been out sunbathing every day....No....I am not going to take photos!  Don't even ask!  There are no boobies on this blog!

Well...okay.  If you really want to see some boobies....

A lovely pair of boobies.

Come to think of it....the bar service guy seems to be over there a lot.  She never has a hard time getting a drink.  Hmmmmm....

Secrets Play Bonita Panama: Day Six - The Man In the Green Shirt

He's a tall Mexican man with an athletic build.  He carries himself with an air of confidence and people react to his presence.  He's a man on a mission.

I have yet to speak with this man, but I know why he's here.  I've heard from other guests about him.  Secrets shifted gears, terminated the food and beverage manager, and sent in one of their own from Mexico.

I've never seen one person have such a sudden impact.  Look at my review of lunch from yesterday.  I was a joke.  It was hard to find anything good about it.  Six hours later we ate dinner at Portifnio.  It was like visiting an entirely new restaurant.  We ate here on day one.   We cannot compare the experience we had on day one with this one.  The change was too dramatic.

The service was what you'd expect from a Secrets.  The wait staff was attentive and did a good job.  They still don't always respond when you thank them, but some of them did.  The food is now the low point.  Not that the food is bad, but the new food and beverage manager will need to address it.

What is the problem with the food?

It's not always consistent and the descriptions on the menu do not match what is delivered to you.

For instance, guess what this is:

Looks like a chocolate covered cake, right?

According to the menu, this is a Sambuca fruit salad.  What this really is, is a kind of mint custard covered in chocolate.

That's not the only example of getting food that isn't even close to the description on the menu.  When you order here, the food isn't going to be terrible, but it's not going to be what you ordered in most cases.   You'll need to do some trial and error to find out what means what.

It'll be interesting to see if the man in the green shirt has an impact on the Seaside Grill.  So far that's been ground zero for spotty service.

Considering the impact one man has had, Secrets needs to send in a general manager.  The problems here go far beyond the food and beverage service.

On a somewhat positive note, the phone is finally fixed.  It took three days and three complaints, but it's fixed.  The IT guy came up and worked on it for over an hour.  In the end he had to move it to a new jack and reconfigure it.  At least it's working now.

While he was working I noticed something really annoying.  Someone before the IT guy, knew the phone was busted.  It had been intentionally unplugged and left where it was.  Super fun time!

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Five - Lowered Expectations

Things continue to be laughably bad at times.  The low point for today was trying to get a room service order card for breakfast.  We hit the front desk, asked for one, and were told it would be delivered to our room.  Two hours later we gave up and went to bed.  This was also the second time we complained about our phone not working.

Indeed

For dinner we went back to Bordeaux.  Part of me wanted to see if the diarrhea on a plate was a one time occurrence.  This time when we sat down, there was no American rock playing.  Instead we got to enjoy some lovely house techno, because nothing says French cuisine like techno.

To our amazement, our waitress, Anjimara, was a Secrets caliber employee.  She was friendly and professional.  She apologized for taking a long time to come to our table initially, and was attentive after that. We even had our wine glasses refilled, Wow!  It took five days to find two Secrets caliber employees.

More about service later.  Now onto the food.

About half of the things that are placed in front of you look appealing.  You already saw the Baby Barf and Bacon soup.  That represents the other half.

This is an example of the good half.  It doesn't mean it tastes good.  That's another matter.  At least it looks like someone cared.  This is the endive salad, it's a little bland but not bad.

Another thing that surprised me this night was the Coq Au Vin.  I had low expectations when ordering it. When it came, I still had low expectations.  It did not look appealing.

I don't want to say what it looks like.

This turned out to be the best thing I've ordered so far.  The meat fell off the bone.  Too bad everything couldn't be this good.

To finish off, I had to do it.  I had to order the poo on a plate.  What I got wasn't quite as bad as when my wife ordered it, but it was still unappealing. 

Mmmmm....poo on a plate...

So what is that?  On the menu, it says it's molten cake (with a peanut butter filling) and raspberry ice cream.  Sure...seems legit!

One - there is no peanut butter on this plate, just a ball of something somewhere between a mildly chocolate cake and cookie.  Two - that's chocolate ice cream.  Three - that's a smear of raspberry sauce.  

Breakfast the next day was surprisingly good.  Why?  Balbino was our waiter!  We got coffee and juice!  He even checked in with us!  Holy testicle Tuesday Batman!  Someone, call the five o'clock news!  We got service at breakfast!

Well, lunch made up for that.  Our waiter was friendly but didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.  I mean he seriously served like someone pulled him off the street and told him to wait tables.  We got water - once.  One drink order and that was it.  I gave up, walked out of the restaurant, and up to the bar to get a drink.

Another couple we've run into a couple of times ended up talking to one of the managers that Secrets imported.  Apparently, this place shut down for a month to train the staff.  The manager then threw the people of Panama under the bus and blamed them for having poor service skills.  

Jokes on you.  I was the trainer. 

I did some research and found what I feel is one of the main causes for the staffs' awful skills.  Panama has an unemployment rate of 2.5%.  In other words.  No one here gives a crap.  They have job security.  If they get fired, they will easily find another job.

In a case like that, the employer has to be willing to lower the profit margin.  Higher pay only does so much.  You need to instill a recognition program.  If a guest mentions you on any kind of positive feedback, you get a small bonus.   It doesn't have have to be monetary.  It can be as simple as a paid day off or other free stuff.  The bottom line is simple.  You have to find a way to make the employees care about their jobs.  Right now they mostly seem to hate being here.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Four - Meh

The inconsistencies and short comings continue to abound.  I wanted to wash my bathing suit and then hang it to dry.  I quickly found out that the clothesline in the shower is busted.   It's simply amazing how many things in our room are broken.  None of them are major, but they leave you shaking you head.

In some ways it's worse to find out that some of the rooms have far more amenities, without being in a different price range.  I wish that was a joke.  Some of the rooms have built in iPads that allow you to order room service and other things.  Our phone doesn't even work.

You might wonder why we haven't complained about the issues we've run into.  I have a few reasons for that.  First, there are so many things that they are inexcusable.  If there was only one or two things, I'd report it.  Second, from my experience so far, if we did report it, nothing would happen.  The level of service offered here is shockingly low.  

After speaking with a few of the other guests, I've quickly discovered that Secrets Playa Bonita has a general rule. You are guilty until proven otherwise.  Our check in made that abundantly clear.  The way the staff has treated us has backed that up.

Now, we did mention to one of the ladies in customer service, that our phone was broken.  She did nothing.  I mean NOTHING.

Yeah that's about right.

Last night we hit the outdoor, roving, Panamanian buffet.  It was possibly the best food we've had so far.  A third of it was mediocre, a third average, and a third good.  By this place's standards, that's outstanding.

One thing that really stood out was one of the sauces for the meat.  It was a fiery habanero sauce that would set your mouth on fire.  It was one of the best things I've had since being down here.

One thing I've imagined to make the time at this place a little easier is to picture one of the many "residents" as replacement staff.  It's a stupid Disney fantasy, but it makes me smile.

What on Earth am I talking about?

I keep imagining these guys delivering drinks and waiting tables.

Your waiter - Mr. Pelican

A vigilant lifeguard.

He mixes a mean gin and tonic.

He's grumpy but he knows how to cook a steak.  Just don't ask for the crab legs.

Your friendly entertainment staff.

How bad is it that you have to daydream about animals serving you, while on vacation?  How bad is it when you start to think that they could do a better job?

That's mean and one sided.  I said it once and I'll say it again.  The problem with the staff is training.  They really need to shut down for a few weeks, train everyone, and get all the rooms up to snuff.

We did find a way to get our mini-bar stocked.  We stock it!  Hazzah!  Yeah...we ask for two bottles of water and two cans of beer before going back to our room.  That sometimes works, depending on whether the bar has water or not.

You read that right.  Multiple times they have been completely out of water.  You better not ask when they will have some either!  You'd be better off bending over and shoving your own head up your bum.  You'd be more likely to find good service in there.

Earlier I said that you are wrong until proven right here.   This place doesn't understand how polices should be applied.  Everything is black and white.  The rules are the rules and they are not bent or broken!  You shut your mouth and do it!

For instance,  someone was asking if he could get a plate of food to take back to his room.  Step back and think about that request.  Sure, why not?  What's the big deal?  So what happened?  They told him he had to sit down at a table to get food.  End of the discussion.

Exactly!

There is no flexibility here.  There is no outside the box thinking.  Instead of seeing how a request is acceptable, often they try to find how it's against the rules.

This place makes me think of thing.  A clip from a long time ago.  A clip where Whitney Huston defiantly told the world to....smooch a certain part of her anatomy.

She must have worked here at some point.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Three - Grump Cat's Delight

The third day has to be better, right?  Any place that calls itself "Secrets" can't maintain a level of service that low....or maybe they can.

The resort looks amazing.  Just check out these photos.


Looks can be deceiving.  The phone in our room, busted.  One of our electrical outlets, busted.  The minibar - doesn't close properly.  On top of that, many small things are missing.  For instance, our room did not have a guest directory, a do not disturb placard, never had the room service placard replaced, never had the mini-bar refilled, is missing some light fixture coverings, the door to the room isn't a uniform fit, the caulking in the bathroom looks like a drunk monkey did it, and the door to the shower doesn't stay closed, so water gets all over the place.  Also, pray that there is no fire, because all the emergency signage is gone.  It looks like it was ripped off the door.

Now for another missing thing.  There is no tissues.  I know I can blow my nose on toilet paper, but this is a Secrets.  Even a Motel 6 has tissues! (UPDATE - My wife found the tissues.  They were off to the side, stuck in an alcove, in a decorative box)

You might think I'm nit picking, but I'm not.  Nit picking is focusing on one or two small issues.  This place has more issues than I can count.  All the little things add up to a place that is not up par.

Dinner was another fun experience.  We went down to the Seaside Grill, hoping it was better than the lunches we had there.

My wife ordered a medium New York Strip.  She got a London Broil that was well done.  After what I'd seen I figured I should avoid standard beef.  I went with the short rib.  I got a bone with some gristle and fat.  There was maybe four bites of meat on it.

My wife and I both ordered the garlic soup.  We both got the soup, but mine had a bread stick in it.  Hers did not.  How does that even leave the kitchen?

At least I could look forward to desert, right?

They asked if we wanted desert, when we said "yes," they said we were getting the brownie and ice cream.  Forget the menu, that's all they had.  The place had only been open for dinner for about two hours and had at least another three to go.  A bet a lot of people were happy last night.

When the brownie and ice cream came, only one came.  I need a friend of mine to help me adequately imply how I felt.

Thanks bud!

 I should also mention the drink service.  The lady came over and asked for our drinks.  I realize that most of the staff doesn't speak English well.  This lady was exceptional bad when it came to English.  My wife switched to Spanish.  It didn't help.

My wife ordered a Mojito with no sugar.  The lady didn't understand.   After a prolonged, confusing discussion, my wife gave up.  The lady turned to me.  I ordered a beer.

What did we get?  Two Mojitos with what looked like extra sugar.

Thanks again bud!

Jump ahead to breakfast.  We braved the Market Cafe again.  There was no possible way it could be worse than the first time, right?

Yes I was right this time.  It did take nearly 15 minutes to seat us.  That's pretty amazing for a buffet.  In the end we actually were waited on and got coffee!  Twice!  Woot!

I'll take this moment to single out one of the very few bright spots so far.  It's a guy named Balbino.  He's a nervous looking, short guy who seems to be the friendliest person here and actually responds when you say "thank you."

One thing that might be helpful to anyone coming here - pack salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.  None of the tables have those.  You might be tempted to ask, but the service here is so slow, you might not get it before you finish your meal.

I'm trying not to complain about the slow service, but it's really slow.  I mean super slow.  I mean this gut could serve twice as fast:

My name is Sclomo and I'll be your server tonight.

It's not the staffs fault either.  At any given meal, it looks like poorly controlled chaos.  I think a lack of training plays a HUGE part.

That's been the story so far.  Poorly trained staff, working their butts off, at resort that is far below par.

Serenade of the Seas Grand Suite Review (1536)

It can be difficult to decide what category state room to select when you are booking a cruise.   The real goal when choosing a state room needs to be getting a good value.  Value is incredibly hard to define.  What is a value for one person could be a total waste of money for another.  This is one of the reasons why I am writing this review.   I'm going to break down a Grand Suite on Royal Caribbean's Serenade of the Seas and what goes with it.

One - It's all about the gold card.  When you book a grand suite you receive a gold card that serves as your room key and credit card.   Overall, very few people get these.  When the ships crew see this card, they typically go above and beyond.  Honestly, the best thing you can do is get a lanyard with a clear card holder and wear the card around your neck.  Not only will you not lose the card, you will get better service.

Two - Getting on the ship.  A grand suite comes with priority boarding.  Sometimes they almost take your hand and walk you on the ship.  At other ports, like New Orleans,  they have no idea what you are doing, so you have to take control.  Bottom line -  no matter what is called, if you booked a grand suite, you get on with the first group you call.  Flash the gold card and you are good.

This sounds amazing, but all it really does is get you out of the holding pens and onto the ship.  You are confined to the public areas for about two hours.  Normally around 1pm you can go to your room.  If you hate crowds, this is going to be a big perk for you.

Three - The room itself is about three times the size of a typical balcony room.  It has a few extra perks to it, but overall there is nothing really amazing about these rooms.  The size is nice, the large balcony is nice, and the larger bathroom is cool.  However, do not expect anything really cool in the room itself.

To see the room in detail, check out this video.  It's an overview I did and uploaded to YouTube.  If you want a direct link, click here.

Four - The Concierge Club - Now for the real reason you book this suite.  The Concierge is more than just a guy who can book things for you.  He can do almost anything for you, while on the ship.  This guy is almost a personal assistant.  He busts his hump to make you happy.

On top of that the private club that only a few people have access to, has 24hr coffee, free alcohol for 4hrs a day, snacks, and more.  This lounge is awesome.  It's a nice play to relax and have a few drinks.  I should also mention that "coffee" is actually lattes and other high end beverages.  This lounge can save you hundreds over the corse of your cruise, if you have a couple drinks a night.

Five - The priority seating that comes with this stateroom is incredible.  You can see an example of it in the video above.  It's some of the best seating in the house and eliminates the need to get to a show thirty minutes early to get a good seat.   Make sure you use this perk.  It really is awesome.

Six - Getting off the ship - The end of your cruise is normally the worst.  Getting off the ship can be awful.  However,  when you book a grand suite, go to the lounge.  Once there you can have a light breakfast and then, the concierge will walk you off the ship.  I'm not kidding.  They walk you right off.  No waiting in huge lines or dealing with crowds.

Those are the biggest reasons to book a grand suite.  There are other perks too.  Ask your travel agent for more details or check out Royal Caribbean's website for more of the small details.

Now back to the room.  1536 is a non-adjoining room.  This is very important.  To see why, check out this video I took on the Grandeur of the Seas.   This is an overview of an adjoining room.

If you compare the two videos you also see that you have a little more usable room in a non-adjoining room.

You might have noticed that in both rooms, power is an issue.  The best thing you can do is to bring a small power strip.  It will really come in handy.

Now lets really pick apart this room.  I went digging and was able to uncover the age of this room.  This room is a little banged up if you look in the right places.  Check out these pictures.

A few dents in the ceiling.  How they got there, I have no idea.

 The wallpaper is starting to peel back in a number of areas like this.

If you zoom in, you'll notice a lot of dirt and mystery smudges.

Either the door was replaced or they did an awful job of hanging it.  It almost doesn't close.

The mirrors are showing their age.  You don't get wear like that overnight.  It normally takes many years.

Yes I'm splitting hairs there, but you pay a premium for this suite.  You deserve to know what it's going to be like.  These rooms are not in "premium" shape.

Overall a grand suite is a value IF you use all the perks and put a high value on your time.  A grand suite may not be a value if you don't mind crowds, don't mind waiting, don't drink alcohol, or are really traveling on a budget.  Again, unless you take advantage of all of the perks, it's not going to be worth it.

Review - Le Bayou Restaurant (New Orleans)

The Le Bayou Restaurant is a middle range, creole style restaurant, located on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

The French Quarter is packed full or places to eat.  They range from street carts to high end a la carte restaurants.  In the middle of that range is the Le Bayou.  From the exterior of the building you can tell that it's not a cheap dive.  That statement might sound funny to someone who has never been to Bourbon Street.   Anyone who has visited Bourbon Street knows exactly what I am talking about.

Wedged between run down heaps, strip clubs, dive bars, and sex shops you find nice dining locations like this one.  It has a classic French Quarter look, with tall windows, iron banisters, and outdoor fans.

The food is classic New Orleans fair.  You'll find an offering of poor boys, red beans, catfish, and other similar offerings.  The pricing lands in the 12 to 20 range for most of the entrees.   We grabbed the red beans and rice.  They served it spicy sausage and fried chicken.  All of it was decent quality.  The only thing that stuck out to me was the chicken.  It wasn't really fried chicken.  It was generic chicken tenders.  They just tossed them in a fryer to heat them up.   Other than that, it was an excellent dish.

We grabbed some of the fried cheese cake for desert.  It was warm, rich and creamy.  With a nice graham cracker exterior and strawberry compote on top, this was worth saving space for.

Le Bayou also offers a number of beers on tap.  A few of them are nice local beers.  They normally offer a number of different kinds to meet all tastes, including a local IPA, Stout, and a few Ales.   The prices are higher than you'd normally pay, but it's the typical Bourbon Street up charge.

The atmosphere of Le Bayou is nice, but if you want to do it right, ask to sit on the balcony.  They will take you to the second floor, and walk you through a large window.  Just remember to duck as you go through if you are over five foot six.

As you sit outside you can watch people go up and down Bourbon Street.  It's a classic experience that anyone who likes to people watch should do.

The view is decent and at night it really takes on a new feeling.  From the photos below you can see how odd Bourbon Street can be.  The decent Le Bayou is next to a cheap eatery and across the street from the Hustler sex club.

Movies You Didn't See: The Lone Ranger

My journey of movie sadomasochism continued this week when I sat down watched The Lone Ranger.  As I did so, I tried to maintain a positive attitude.  I tried to put abominations like John Carter out of my mind.  My positive attitude lasted about two minutes.

When the credits rolled I found myself facing an enormous challenge.  How does one sum up, what is wrong with this movie?  After I few minutes it occurred to me.  This is the only way to sum up The Lone Ranger:

“Ruth Wilson was great.”

Why is that the perfect way to sum up The Lone Ranger?  Because, it is literally the only positive thing I can say about this festering pile of monkey feces.

Trying to explain why this is such a bad movie, is like trying to explain how bright the sun it.  Unless you see it for yourself, you will never quite understand.  

I’m going to list a few of the worst aspects.  Keep in mind that what I am going to list is a minuet fraction of the actual issues this film has.

Tonto:  Tonto’s role in this movie is offensive, foolish, and discredits the original character.  The only thing more offensive than Tonto, is the fact that Johnny Depp is playing him.   Casting Depp in this role should be ranked as one of the biggest casting mistakes in the history of film. 

The Lone Ranger:  I hated this guy.  I wanted him to die so the movie could end.   Giving this guy the tile of The Lone Ranger is disgusting.   This is not the Lone Ranger!  Everything about this character was wrong.

Writing: I harp on this a lot.  There is no excuse for a story to be poorly written.  There are plenty of talented, creative writers out there who could craft an excellent and exciting plot.  I scratch my head and wonder how a plot this terrible makes it to paper.   The only explanation I could come up with was that someone with too much power, and too little talent forced his ideas through.  The plot of this movie is so bad it makes you want to cry.  I can honestly say that it was so bad I sat down and penned out an outline that would be far superior.  It took me less than five minutes.

Violence: This really angered me.  The Lone Ranger is a disgustingly violent movie.  In my opinion, it should have been rated R.  The number of people who die graphic, violent deaths in this movie is shocking.  This is without a doubt the most violent movie Disney has ever made.  If I had brought kids to this, I believe I would have walked out.  This is not a family movie my any stretch of the imagination.

Legacy: This movie has crippled the genre.  It’s a blight on anything called a Western.  It took a beloved subject and characters, and crapped all over them.

I hope The Lone Ranger serves as a lesson to all the studios out there.   Invest more in your stories.  Don’t take something from the past, throw some actors in it, and dump it on the public.  If you are going to remake anything, make sure it’s a quality product.   Thanks to Disney’s horrific efforts in this movie, The Lone Ranger is unlikely to ride again.  If he does, it’ll most likely be decades from now.  It’s going to take a long time for the stench of this movie to dissipate.

Review: Suncoast Casio - Las Vegas

Vegas has a massive selection of resorts.  Picking one can be a daunting task.  When deciding which one is the best fit, you need to first decide which of the five categories you would enjoy the most. 

The five categories are as follows:

1 - On Strip - MGM Grand, Paris, Stratosphere, etc.

These tend to be the most expensive but are also the most refined.

2 - Old Strip - Four Queens, Gold Nugget, etc.

Classic Vegas environment.  Wildest area to hang out in,

3 - Off Strip - Hooters, Hard Rock, etc.

Sometimes cheaper but not really in the thick of things.

4 - Satellite - Suncoast, etc.

Miles off the strip.  Sometimes they are very cheap.  Most laid back experience.

5 - Timeshare.

If you really love Vegas this might be an option.  If you hate Vegas, avoid these like the plague.

The Suncoast is miles off the strip.  In fact, the Suncoast is not even in Las Vegas.  It's in the neighboring town of Sumerlin. 

Before you rule out staying that far from the strip, consider this list of pros and cons.

1 - Numerous shuttles between the strip and the casino and airport.  All are free of charge.

2 - Large dining and shopping complex directly across the street and two other massive casinos within minutes. 

3 - Shocking amount of amenities inside of the casino itself.

4 - Rates below $50 a day.

5 - Free wifi.

Now let me explain a couple things.  The room rate does not count a resort fee.  Even considering the resort fee, it's not a bad rate.

The amenities here are excellent.  The include (but not exclusively) the following:

- A super cheap buffet of marginal quality.

- A TGI Fridays

-A decent sitdown cafe

- A decent Tex Mex restaraunt. 

- A giant Movie Theater with stadium seating.

- A huge bowling ally.

- A decent spa.

Okay, that's the short list.  There are a lot more that I didn't mention.  Another one I am going to mention is the small gift shop.  Now that might sound insane.  Why would I mention a small gift shop?  The alcohol prices.  I'm from NH.  We have cheap booze here because the state is the only one who sells hard alcohol.  Our prices are some of the best on the east coast.  I am almost convinced that the Suncoast sells their alcohol at cost.  It's hit or miss but some of the prices are crazy low.

The look of the Suncaost is okay. It's nothing fabulous.  They try to pull off an odd mix of modern and southwest.  One example is the stucco exterior mixed with light fixtures that look like they are out of the 1800s.  You can see an example of them here.  One strange thing about the exterior of the building is the natural grass.  Normally the casinos in Vegas use astro turf or another synthetic grass.  They do this because of the arid climate.  Inside there isn't anything to write home about.  There are a few nice features but overall it's a typical casino.  One thing I will say about the inside is that is seems clean.  I don't remember seeing anything that looked dirty.

 

The surroundings of casino are very nice.  It's closer to mountains and things are not as built up as they are on the strip itself.  This allows for some great sunrise and sunsets.  You can see one here.  The mountains have some red accents to them.  They really pop when the light hits.

  

If you like golf than you might really enjoy the Suncoast.  They have their own golf course and off some special rooms.  Some have a nice view of the course.  Others open up to the fairway.  The prices differ depending on what you want, but you can sometimes get a room with a view like this for next to nothing.

You can see a video review of one of the rooms here.
 
Overall the Suncoast is a viable option for anyone who wants to do Vegas on a dime but still experience Vegas.  As long as you are okay with not being on the strip,  check it out sometime.

Dining Review: Aureole - Mandalay Bay - Las Vegas

I've been to quite a few restaurants but Aureole, located at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas, stands out.  Does it stand out because it's the best restaurant I've been to?  No.  The only claim to fame it has is that it's the most expensive restaurant I've been to.

For this review I'm going to do a double comparison.   I'm going to compare it to a restaurant that serves a similar cuisine in Disney World and one of Aureole's Las Vegas rivals.

Atmosphere

The atmosphere at Aureole is dominated by it's massive four story wine tower.  This tower really represents the feel of Aureole.  It's modern and over the top which results in a general feeling of stuffiness.  This feeling dominates the restaurant.  Nothing about this place felt welcoming or warm.

The tables and decor beyond the tower are forgettable.  They are modern and overshadowed by the dim light and high ceiling. 

The only other part of the atmosphere that's worth talking about is a fountain at the back of the dining room.  At night they light it up.  It's a nice feature but nothing that it's done much better in Disney World.

Now Disney World has a restaurant called Narcoossee's.  Narcoossee's dining options are very similar to Aureole's.  However, I'd take the atmosphere at Narcoossee's any day of the week.

A few miles down the strip from Aureole is a restaurant called Hugo's Cellar.  The quality is on par with Aureole but the atmosphere is much better.

If you compare the three restaurants, Aureole comes in dead last.

Food

The food at Aureole is mainly seafood and steak.  We tried a couple of appetizers, main courses, and some small deserts.

The appetizers were okay.  Yes I said okay.  You might be able to tell I was underwhelmed.  I got the onion soup.  It was good but that was the problem.  For the price of an entree in Disney World I got good onion soup.  In other words it was was grossly over priced and nothing special.

Another member of the party got one of the salads.  He enjoyed it, but it was nothing that blew him away.  When you are paying top dollar, you expect to be blown away.

I should also explain that the individual who ordered the salad has been to Aureole before.  He's also been to the original Aureole in New York.  He went in with high expectations which were based on experience.

The main courses were a mixed bag.  One person ordered the octopus and scallops.  One person ordered the blue cheese encrusted filet.  Myself and one other ordered the New York strip.

So what were the results?  The Octopus was amazing.  The filet was decent.  The strip steaks were a huge disappointment.

You might wonder why I ordered a strip steak.   After all what restaurant doesn't offer a strip steak?  That's the very point.  A strip steak is a huge test.  Can you make it something amazing or are you going to present a generic dish?  It takes true creativity and talent to turn a basic offering into something special.

The steaks were mostly bland and not cooked correctly.  One was ordered med-rare and came out almost med-well.  The other was ordered med and came out borderline med-well.  Both were fairly ugly.  They actually put a brown steak on top of brown mashed potatoes, with only a tiny bit of sauce to add color.  Oh, and they charged about 40 a pop for that. 

The portion size is small.  If you want to add something to make it a normal meal you'll need to cough up an extra 9+ for a side.  $9 will get you some generic, roasted vegetables.  They were so generic we didn't even finish them.

The other guy who ordered the strip steak didn't want the mashed potatoes so we asked if he could swap them out.  It was like pulling teeth but they offered to replace them with french fries.  The french fries were nothing to brag about.  You'll get better french fries at Five Guys Burgers.

The deserts were tiny and unimpressive.  One was a lemon tart.  It had nice flavor but really needed a nice sauce to go with it.  The other was a chocolate lava cake thing.  It had great flavor but was gone after about four bites.

Overall the food was a let down.  Narcoossee's is slightly better at a cost of about half, while Hugo's, is at least a third less and is ten times better than anything you'll get at Aureole's.

Service

Now for the bad.  A few years back my wife and I went to Citrico's.  Search the blog and you can read about what happened there.  I thought I'd never run into an experience like that at a high end dining location again.  I was wrong.  Our waiter at Citrico's was non-existent, while the friendly assistant had to do all the work.  At Aureole's we had a very nice assistant waiter and a waiter we wished would go away. 

How can I explain our waiter?  Simple, go watch the movie Dumb and Dumber and then start reading this again.

Our waiter was a virtual clone of "Nicholas Andre" from Dumb and Dumber.  A douche bag that you want to avoid.  Now, that is a little harsh but this guy earned it.  From the start he was pushy.  He hit us with a hard sell on the expensive specials.  Time and again he tried to sell.  It's one thing to explain the specials and do so with passion.  It's another thing to give you the feeling that you are a fool if you do not order the special.

Our waiter also had the bad habit of hovering.  Maybe he thought we'd change our minds and order more if he hung around.  If he did anything it wouldn't have been so bad, but his assistant did all the work.  His assistant also earned the tip.  He was cordial, friendly, and even shared a funny story.  One member of our party made the comment that he wished he could swap the two.  In all honesty we would have asked if we didn't think the douche bag would have spit in our food.

So the waiter wasn't great but did he at least take care of us?  No.  The member of the party with the overcooked steak brought it to his attention.  In case like this, in a place of this caliber, the first words out of his mouth should have been, "I'm so sorry.  How can I fix it?" Instead, all he did was offer to recook the steak.  That's not a great option.  Everyone else has the food.  Unless the meal is inedible, you don't want to return it.  You'd end up taking it home because everyone else would be done by the time your food arrived. 

How does the service compare?  Hugo's beat's Aureole more than the Bruins facing a peewee hockey team. You just can't compare them.  Narcoossee's, with it's standard Disney service,  also blows Aureole out of the water.

Value

Okay I did a little bit of research for this one.  Take what you read above and apply it to the estimated figures below. These figures do not include a tip.  They are comparing similar dishes across a party of four and include two bottles of wine.  I also have to estimate the bill at Aureole since I did not see the bill.

Narcoossee's - $315

Hugo's - $375

Aureole - $475

Now this is not a true comparison. Why?  Because both Hugo's and Narcoossee's include things that Aureole charges for.  So in other words, you get a lot more for you money at both Narcoossee's and Hugo's than you do at Aureole. 

Bottom line is this, if you want to see the wine tower, take a picture of it from the outside.  If you do that you will experience the best part of Aureole without having to sell your firstborn to afford it.

The Crystal Caves of Bermuda

Bermuda is easily in the top three islands you can visit on a dime.  That being said, there are some guidelines you need to follow. If you do not follow the guidelines listed below, you will blow your budget.

Many of the islands that cruise ships visit have a shared problem.  Public transit is almost unheard of.  There are some exceptions like Bermuda.  Bermuda has excellent public transit.

Here are some guidelines to follow.

1. You cannot use taxis.

2. Avoid hotels. Stay on a cruise ship. The cost of the cruise is cheaper than even the cheapest hotel.

3. Avoid eating on the island except for food stands or other quick options.

4. Buy a bus pass.  Don't pay by the trip.  Buy a pass for your stay.

Bermuda has a surprising number of things you can do.  Some islands are a one hit wonder.  Bermuda has beaches, water sports, light houses, historical sites, and unique natural features.  One of those natural features is the Crystal Caves.

The Crystal Caves are subterranean, tidal caves.  There are two main caves.  Both are worth checking out.  The price isn't too bad if you go it alone but there is a group discount.  If you are an outgoing person, and have a little extra time,  ask people at the entrance if they would like to group up.  This can save everyone in the group.  The discount is sizable.  When we were there we teamed up with a group of strangers.  It saved us $20.

The Slick Stairs

You have to descend into the caves.  This can be an issue for people who are very out of shape or become easily winded.  Keep in mind.  The descent isn't bad, most people can do it without any problems.  The ascent is the killer.  If you are out of shape you will need to stop and rest.  The descent / ascent consists of two sections.  The first section is a ramp.  This is the part people have a hard time with.  After the ramp there are stairs.  Both the ramp and stairs hand railings, use them.  The floor is often slick.

Now the caves themselves are impressive.  The rock formations and colors are amazing.  Now this might sound odd, but the water is a draw in itself.  The water is layered.  The top layer is pure, rock filtered, water.  The second layer is a mix of salt and fresh water.  The final layer is sea water the enters through submerged tunnels.  The layers create an optical illusion.  They magnify the bottom.  This means that the depth appears to be about ten feet when it's really up to fifty.  Whatever you do, don't drop anything.  You can see why as soon as you look over the edge.  There is a collection of cameras, glasses, and other items.

Now for some warnings.  If you are claustrophobic, you can do this, but make sure you do it at low tide!  At high tide parts of the caves could be difficult for people who cannot tolerate tight spaces.

If you are afraid of the dark, do not do this.  They shut the light off at one point.  It's not a problem for most adults but some of the kids in our group freaked out.

If you need fresh air, that could also be a problem.  It can get very stuffy in the caves and the air does not move.  The air is also very humid which can make things worse. 

If you do not suffer from any of those issues you should really enjoy the Crystal Caves.

Review of Royal Caribbean's Grandeur of the Seas

(The Grandeur of the Seas docked in Bermuda)

 

The Grandeur of the Seas is an older ship in Royal Caribbean’s fleet.  This is in no way a bad thing.  In fact in some ways it helps.  In this review I’m going to go through the good and the bad.  This review is going to cover the ship , its crew, and the service they provide.

THE SIZE

Since it’s an older vessel it’s smaller.  Its size is actually a positive thing.  Too often people think bigger is better.  Sure bigger might have some more amenities but it also means more people are on the ship.  The more people on the ship the longer it typically takes to get on and off.

Too many people also impacts service.  For example: this ship has had about 40 suites that qualified to use the concierge lounge.  The newer ships have AT LEAST double that.  By default your experience is going to be more impersonal when twice as many people are involved.

On the downside the smaller size means the ship is going to move more if the seas get rough.  If you do not suffer from motion sickness this could actually be fun.  If you are prone to motion sickness this could be a deal breaker for you.

(the view from deck 10 looking across the ship)

 

THE AMENITIES

The Grandeur is a fairly basic ship.  It does not have the features of the newer boats.  For example the newer ships have what is basically a shopping mall.  The Grandeur has a small shopping area.  The newer ships have an area where you can surf or body board.  Dream on you are not going to find that one the Grandeur.  The only “new” feature that the Grandeur has is a rock climbing wall.

The main dining room is themed after the Great Gatsby.  Thankfully they did not go overboard this it. If no one told you what it was themed after you might not even notice.  Other cruise lines tend to be garish when it comes to their dining rooms.  That is not the case with this dining room.  Overall it has more of an air of elegance than other dining rooms because it’s not over the top.

Everything else is about average.  The bars are what you would expect, the buffet is a normal buffet area, the pools are average for a cruise ship, and the layout is your typical cruise ship.  The only thing slightly outstanding is the fact that there are only two main pools and one is reserved for adults.  Newer ships tend to have more but then again they need more because they try to cram so many people on the ship.

THE FOOD

This is one area where Royal Caribbean crushes NCL.  The food was much better than anything you’ll find on NCL.  Then again that isn’t too difficult considering NCL served stale bread and only the cheapest food in the dining room.

I will admit that Royal Caribbean does not live up to its original standards in this area.  They do reserve the best food for their specialty dining locations but I don’t think you will find much to complain about.  What I should say is Royal Caribbean maintains a high standard when compared to the current trends in the cruise industry.  If you haven’t cruised in the past ten years you might be a little disappointed.

THE SERVICE

Now we come to a truly mixed bag. IF nothing goes wrong and you have no complaints, the service you will receive on the Grandeur is exceptional.  The service is much better than anything you will find on NCL or Carnival.  Sadly if something does go wrong you might find that they fall flat on their face.

To explain where they fail I will relate an issue I ran into.  Our stateroom had a door that joined it to the next stateroom.  This door was not insulated.  You could hear EVERYTHING going on in the stateroom next to yours.  It wasn’t just our imagination either.  The door was so poorly insulated that you could see light coming through the door when you shut the lights off.

So what happened when we called to complain (background: RC did not disclose the fact that we booked an adjoining stateroom)?  They informed us that we could not move because the ship was full (that’s not uncommon).  Instead they offered to send security.  I shot that idea down faster than a fat getting in line for an all you can eat buffet.  For a moment think about Royal Caribbean was really proposing.  Because they didn’t disclose the room was adjoining and they did a horrific job insulating the door they wanted to punish the people in the room next to us?  Excuse me but, they paid a lot of money to go on vacation and enjoy it.  They were not being excessively loud.   How much of a jerk would I be if I had called security on them?  It wasn’t their fault. 

Can you imagine what it would have been like if I had let Royal Caribbean call security on my neighbors who were doing nothing wrong?  What a fantastic way to start a vacation! I know when I go on vacation I want to piss off my neighbors on day one and then spend the rest of the vacation trying to avoid them even though it’s a small ship. Maybe I could set a bag of flaming doo poop in front of their stateroom door while I’m at it!

Instead of sending security wouldn’t it have made more sense to see if maintenance could find a way to sound proof the door a little?  Maybe send a guy up with a thick blanket and have his shut it in the door? At least try something, anything to show you care at least care about the problem you created.

So I’m sad to say that the service barely breaks even.  I’m sad to say that because a lot of the crew work their butts off to provide good service.

ENTERTAINMENT

Most of the entertainment you will run into on the Grandeur is so typical of cruise line entertainment it’s not worth talking about.  However there is one thing that sticks out.  Royal Caribbean does atrium shows.  They are aerial shows that take place in their main atriums (typically where they have their glass elevators).  The one we saw was called Seasons.  This show reminds me a lot of Circus de Soleil.  It’s a fun show that is worth seeing.

OVERALL

The Grandeur of the Seas is a nice ship.  I’d say I’d go on it again but the issue with the room left such a bitter taste in my mouth that I don’t know if I ever want to go on Royal Caribbean again (I’ll go into detail why in a future post). 

If you are thinking about going on the Grandeur, look up your proposed stateroom!  Make sure you know as much as you can about that room before it’s too late.  If you get a nice stateroom the Grandeur will be an enjoyable ship to spend your vacation on.