Secrets Playa Bonita: Final Comments

Playa Bonita was, in a word, disappointing.  It did not live up to the Secrets name.  In fact, it dragged the Secrets name into the mud.  At this point, I cannot imagine I will ever return to a Secrets resort.

The food service dramatically improved after they fired the food and beverage manager and replaced him with an actual Secrets employee.   There were still some glaring issues, but the improvement was remarkable

In some ways it seemed like Panama wanted to get rid of us.  The checkout process was far better than checking, but I think that goes without saying.  Checking in was a nightmare.  The transfer to the airport was dramatically better too.  They sent a car and we were there in about a forty minutes.

I think all of the speaks to the biggest issue at Playa Bonita - consistency.  There are some rare times when you get an employee who seems to care and then there is the 90% when things are not so good and you are lucky to get water.

On a side note, I did discover the working arrangements (at least for the front desk).  The employees work six days a week for seven hours.  They get one day off that is determined by their managers.  I hope they get paid well, since that kind of schedule seems like it would lead to burnout.

Overall, don't go to Play Bonita.  Maybe in a few years it might be okay, but right now it's not good.  Maybe if you can get a deal for $99 per person per day, it might be a value.  Just lower your expectations and don't expect it to be a Secrets.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Eight - You Might Die.

Last night we hit the Caribbean Night.  It was almost the same as Panama Night, but with different food.  If you want to eat outside, this is the way to go.  Usually at night the temp drops to around 80 with a nice breeze.  This makes it very comfortable.

This is our last day.  I think in some ways that we were forgotten.  Many people received a coupon package when they checked in.  We did not.  Most people had some useful information left in their room about the resort and tours you could take.  We did not get get that.  Some people got snacks in their room.  We never got that.  Some people got nips of alcohol.  We didn't get that either.

We were stunned last night to arrive back at our room to find the minibar guy restocking the fridge.  He was slow as molasses, but that slowness allowed me to look at his cart.  There was a number of things other people got in their mini-fridge that we did not.

I guess the drawback of getting your mini-bar refilled is that we didn't get a turn down.  When you get your turn down, you get your agenda for the next day.  If we want to know what's open tonight, we'll have to take a trip to the front desk.  Happy days!

I have to provide a very serious warning to anyone reading this.  If you have food allergies, your life could be in danger by coming here.  I wish I was kidding.  Time and again, the menu does not match what is delivered to you.  Often nuts are added to items or they are in items without being put on the description.  Shellfish can also pop up without notice.  If you get an extremely competent waiter, you might be able to ask them whats in the food.  Most of the time, that won't help, unless you speak Spanish.

Let me give an example of a disconnect between the menu and what is delivered.  The cheese plate on the menu says "Served with assorted breads, homemade pickles, and marmalade."  Look for yourself...

Possibly Lethal Descriptions

Someone with a gluten allergy would never order that.  That's too bad.  What was delivery was gluten free.  However, it came with nuts, no bread, no homemade pickles, and no marmalade.

You will often see items on the menu listed as gluten free or vegetarian.  I would not trust that.  You would be taking a serious chance if you trust any of the descriptions on these menus.  Time and again they have been far from accurate.

Our vacation is almost over.  I can't remember the last time I really looked forward to going home.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but I have to say, after this experience I would not return to a Secrets.  ANY Secrets.   It's too risky.  It would be a complete gamble.   I'd rather put my money in a trusted, reliable brand.  If a Grand Suite on Royal Caribbean costs about the same as a Secrets vacation, there is zero reason to pick Secrets.  Royal Caribbean provides a reliable product. You know what you are going to get.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Seven - Hmmmmm.....

Things on the service side have continued to improve.  It's amazing the impact a good old firing can have.  There are still some glaring issues.  The Seaside Grill is much improved but remains the weak link in the bunch.

The other services issues remain.  For example, I've been to the front desk five times.  four of those were negative experiences.  The only time it was decent was when an employee named "Maria" waited on me.  She actually smiled and was helpful!

There is another thing that really concerns me and could be a factor behind the poor service.  Many of the employees have been working six to seven straight days.  That would be bad enough but it appears that some of them work over 12hrs a day.  It's no wonder they act like they don't care.  The only way someone can work like that, is when they contract like a cruise ship.  It's not easy, but the prospect of having three months of paid time off can be very motivating.   It's possible that the employees here have a six months on, three months off kind of deal, but that seems really unlikely.

It's also possible that they are working the grueling hours to get the resort off the ground.  Many of the staff have name tags that say "Training" on them.  I don't doubt that Secrets had to do a big purge and a big hiring.  That's what's happens when you take over a failed resort.

The one stand out thing that I will give this resort is are the grounds.  They are very nice.  They've done a great job keeping them up and you can see the workers all over the place.

If nothing else you can hide under an umbrella and enjoy the view.  On the downside, there are few available and they fill up fast.  If you want any kind of decent shade for the day, you'll need to get out there before eight in the morning.  That's a tall order for most people on vacation.

The weather has been great.

If you feel like walking, you can walk all the way down the beach in both directions.  Down the far side, near the other resort, you will find some mangroves that you can walk through.  I know they are not true mangroves, but who'd want to walk through them?

It's a neat area to check out.

As a side note, for anyone who is from a culture where going topless is common, if you want to, you can sunbathe topless.  They will not stop you.  There is a French lady that has been out sunbathing every day....No....I am not going to take photos!  Don't even ask!  There are no boobies on this blog!

Well...okay.  If you really want to see some boobies....

A lovely pair of boobies.

Come to think of it....the bar service guy seems to be over there a lot.  She never has a hard time getting a drink.  Hmmmmm....

Secrets Play Bonita Panama: Day Six - The Man In the Green Shirt

He's a tall Mexican man with an athletic build.  He carries himself with an air of confidence and people react to his presence.  He's a man on a mission.

I have yet to speak with this man, but I know why he's here.  I've heard from other guests about him.  Secrets shifted gears, terminated the food and beverage manager, and sent in one of their own from Mexico.

I've never seen one person have such a sudden impact.  Look at my review of lunch from yesterday.  I was a joke.  It was hard to find anything good about it.  Six hours later we ate dinner at Portifnio.  It was like visiting an entirely new restaurant.  We ate here on day one.   We cannot compare the experience we had on day one with this one.  The change was too dramatic.

The service was what you'd expect from a Secrets.  The wait staff was attentive and did a good job.  They still don't always respond when you thank them, but some of them did.  The food is now the low point.  Not that the food is bad, but the new food and beverage manager will need to address it.

What is the problem with the food?

It's not always consistent and the descriptions on the menu do not match what is delivered to you.

For instance, guess what this is:

Looks like a chocolate covered cake, right?

According to the menu, this is a Sambuca fruit salad.  What this really is, is a kind of mint custard covered in chocolate.

That's not the only example of getting food that isn't even close to the description on the menu.  When you order here, the food isn't going to be terrible, but it's not going to be what you ordered in most cases.   You'll need to do some trial and error to find out what means what.

It'll be interesting to see if the man in the green shirt has an impact on the Seaside Grill.  So far that's been ground zero for spotty service.

Considering the impact one man has had, Secrets needs to send in a general manager.  The problems here go far beyond the food and beverage service.

On a somewhat positive note, the phone is finally fixed.  It took three days and three complaints, but it's fixed.  The IT guy came up and worked on it for over an hour.  In the end he had to move it to a new jack and reconfigure it.  At least it's working now.

While he was working I noticed something really annoying.  Someone before the IT guy, knew the phone was busted.  It had been intentionally unplugged and left where it was.  Super fun time!

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Five - Lowered Expectations

Things continue to be laughably bad at times.  The low point for today was trying to get a room service order card for breakfast.  We hit the front desk, asked for one, and were told it would be delivered to our room.  Two hours later we gave up and went to bed.  This was also the second time we complained about our phone not working.

Indeed

For dinner we went back to Bordeaux.  Part of me wanted to see if the diarrhea on a plate was a one time occurrence.  This time when we sat down, there was no American rock playing.  Instead we got to enjoy some lovely house techno, because nothing says French cuisine like techno.

To our amazement, our waitress, Anjimara, was a Secrets caliber employee.  She was friendly and professional.  She apologized for taking a long time to come to our table initially, and was attentive after that. We even had our wine glasses refilled, Wow!  It took five days to find two Secrets caliber employees.

More about service later.  Now onto the food.

About half of the things that are placed in front of you look appealing.  You already saw the Baby Barf and Bacon soup.  That represents the other half.

This is an example of the good half.  It doesn't mean it tastes good.  That's another matter.  At least it looks like someone cared.  This is the endive salad, it's a little bland but not bad.

Another thing that surprised me this night was the Coq Au Vin.  I had low expectations when ordering it. When it came, I still had low expectations.  It did not look appealing.

I don't want to say what it looks like.

This turned out to be the best thing I've ordered so far.  The meat fell off the bone.  Too bad everything couldn't be this good.

To finish off, I had to do it.  I had to order the poo on a plate.  What I got wasn't quite as bad as when my wife ordered it, but it was still unappealing. 

Mmmmm....poo on a plate...

So what is that?  On the menu, it says it's molten cake (with a peanut butter filling) and raspberry ice cream.  Sure...seems legit!

One - there is no peanut butter on this plate, just a ball of something somewhere between a mildly chocolate cake and cookie.  Two - that's chocolate ice cream.  Three - that's a smear of raspberry sauce.  

Breakfast the next day was surprisingly good.  Why?  Balbino was our waiter!  We got coffee and juice!  He even checked in with us!  Holy testicle Tuesday Batman!  Someone, call the five o'clock news!  We got service at breakfast!

Well, lunch made up for that.  Our waiter was friendly but didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.  I mean he seriously served like someone pulled him off the street and told him to wait tables.  We got water - once.  One drink order and that was it.  I gave up, walked out of the restaurant, and up to the bar to get a drink.

Another couple we've run into a couple of times ended up talking to one of the managers that Secrets imported.  Apparently, this place shut down for a month to train the staff.  The manager then threw the people of Panama under the bus and blamed them for having poor service skills.  

Jokes on you.  I was the trainer. 

I did some research and found what I feel is one of the main causes for the staffs' awful skills.  Panama has an unemployment rate of 2.5%.  In other words.  No one here gives a crap.  They have job security.  If they get fired, they will easily find another job.

In a case like that, the employer has to be willing to lower the profit margin.  Higher pay only does so much.  You need to instill a recognition program.  If a guest mentions you on any kind of positive feedback, you get a small bonus.   It doesn't have have to be monetary.  It can be as simple as a paid day off or other free stuff.  The bottom line is simple.  You have to find a way to make the employees care about their jobs.  Right now they mostly seem to hate being here.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Four - Meh

The inconsistencies and short comings continue to abound.  I wanted to wash my bathing suit and then hang it to dry.  I quickly found out that the clothesline in the shower is busted.   It's simply amazing how many things in our room are broken.  None of them are major, but they leave you shaking you head.

In some ways it's worse to find out that some of the rooms have far more amenities, without being in a different price range.  I wish that was a joke.  Some of the rooms have built in iPads that allow you to order room service and other things.  Our phone doesn't even work.

You might wonder why we haven't complained about the issues we've run into.  I have a few reasons for that.  First, there are so many things that they are inexcusable.  If there was only one or two things, I'd report it.  Second, from my experience so far, if we did report it, nothing would happen.  The level of service offered here is shockingly low.  

After speaking with a few of the other guests, I've quickly discovered that Secrets Playa Bonita has a general rule. You are guilty until proven otherwise.  Our check in made that abundantly clear.  The way the staff has treated us has backed that up.

Now, we did mention to one of the ladies in customer service, that our phone was broken.  She did nothing.  I mean NOTHING.

Yeah that's about right.

Last night we hit the outdoor, roving, Panamanian buffet.  It was possibly the best food we've had so far.  A third of it was mediocre, a third average, and a third good.  By this place's standards, that's outstanding.

One thing that really stood out was one of the sauces for the meat.  It was a fiery habanero sauce that would set your mouth on fire.  It was one of the best things I've had since being down here.

One thing I've imagined to make the time at this place a little easier is to picture one of the many "residents" as replacement staff.  It's a stupid Disney fantasy, but it makes me smile.

What on Earth am I talking about?

I keep imagining these guys delivering drinks and waiting tables.

Your waiter - Mr. Pelican

A vigilant lifeguard.

He mixes a mean gin and tonic.

He's grumpy but he knows how to cook a steak.  Just don't ask for the crab legs.

Your friendly entertainment staff.

How bad is it that you have to daydream about animals serving you, while on vacation?  How bad is it when you start to think that they could do a better job?

That's mean and one sided.  I said it once and I'll say it again.  The problem with the staff is training.  They really need to shut down for a few weeks, train everyone, and get all the rooms up to snuff.

We did find a way to get our mini-bar stocked.  We stock it!  Hazzah!  Yeah...we ask for two bottles of water and two cans of beer before going back to our room.  That sometimes works, depending on whether the bar has water or not.

You read that right.  Multiple times they have been completely out of water.  You better not ask when they will have some either!  You'd be better off bending over and shoving your own head up your bum.  You'd be more likely to find good service in there.

Earlier I said that you are wrong until proven right here.   This place doesn't understand how polices should be applied.  Everything is black and white.  The rules are the rules and they are not bent or broken!  You shut your mouth and do it!

For instance,  someone was asking if he could get a plate of food to take back to his room.  Step back and think about that request.  Sure, why not?  What's the big deal?  So what happened?  They told him he had to sit down at a table to get food.  End of the discussion.

Exactly!

There is no flexibility here.  There is no outside the box thinking.  Instead of seeing how a request is acceptable, often they try to find how it's against the rules.

This place makes me think of thing.  A clip from a long time ago.  A clip where Whitney Huston defiantly told the world to....smooch a certain part of her anatomy.

She must have worked here at some point.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Three - Grump Cat's Delight

The third day has to be better, right?  Any place that calls itself "Secrets" can't maintain a level of service that low....or maybe they can.

The resort looks amazing.  Just check out these photos.


Looks can be deceiving.  The phone in our room, busted.  One of our electrical outlets, busted.  The minibar - doesn't close properly.  On top of that, many small things are missing.  For instance, our room did not have a guest directory, a do not disturb placard, never had the room service placard replaced, never had the mini-bar refilled, is missing some light fixture coverings, the door to the room isn't a uniform fit, the caulking in the bathroom looks like a drunk monkey did it, and the door to the shower doesn't stay closed, so water gets all over the place.  Also, pray that there is no fire, because all the emergency signage is gone.  It looks like it was ripped off the door.

Now for another missing thing.  There is no tissues.  I know I can blow my nose on toilet paper, but this is a Secrets.  Even a Motel 6 has tissues! (UPDATE - My wife found the tissues.  They were off to the side, stuck in an alcove, in a decorative box)

You might think I'm nit picking, but I'm not.  Nit picking is focusing on one or two small issues.  This place has more issues than I can count.  All the little things add up to a place that is not up par.

Dinner was another fun experience.  We went down to the Seaside Grill, hoping it was better than the lunches we had there.

My wife ordered a medium New York Strip.  She got a London Broil that was well done.  After what I'd seen I figured I should avoid standard beef.  I went with the short rib.  I got a bone with some gristle and fat.  There was maybe four bites of meat on it.

My wife and I both ordered the garlic soup.  We both got the soup, but mine had a bread stick in it.  Hers did not.  How does that even leave the kitchen?

At least I could look forward to desert, right?

They asked if we wanted desert, when we said "yes," they said we were getting the brownie and ice cream.  Forget the menu, that's all they had.  The place had only been open for dinner for about two hours and had at least another three to go.  A bet a lot of people were happy last night.

When the brownie and ice cream came, only one came.  I need a friend of mine to help me adequately imply how I felt.

Thanks bud!

 I should also mention the drink service.  The lady came over and asked for our drinks.  I realize that most of the staff doesn't speak English well.  This lady was exceptional bad when it came to English.  My wife switched to Spanish.  It didn't help.

My wife ordered a Mojito with no sugar.  The lady didn't understand.   After a prolonged, confusing discussion, my wife gave up.  The lady turned to me.  I ordered a beer.

What did we get?  Two Mojitos with what looked like extra sugar.

Thanks again bud!

Jump ahead to breakfast.  We braved the Market Cafe again.  There was no possible way it could be worse than the first time, right?

Yes I was right this time.  It did take nearly 15 minutes to seat us.  That's pretty amazing for a buffet.  In the end we actually were waited on and got coffee!  Twice!  Woot!

I'll take this moment to single out one of the very few bright spots so far.  It's a guy named Balbino.  He's a nervous looking, short guy who seems to be the friendliest person here and actually responds when you say "thank you."

One thing that might be helpful to anyone coming here - pack salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.  None of the tables have those.  You might be tempted to ask, but the service here is so slow, you might not get it before you finish your meal.

I'm trying not to complain about the slow service, but it's really slow.  I mean super slow.  I mean this gut could serve twice as fast:

My name is Sclomo and I'll be your server tonight.

It's not the staffs fault either.  At any given meal, it looks like poorly controlled chaos.  I think a lack of training plays a HUGE part.

That's been the story so far.  Poorly trained staff, working their butts off, at resort that is far below par.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day One - Welcome to Misery

I've now been at Secrets: Playa Bonita Panama for roughly 24 hours.  Those hours include our transfer to the resort, the check in process, our first night, and our first breakfast.

So how does it stack up?

First off let me say this:  Secrets is a chain of resorts run by AMResorts.  Secrets is the no kids, higher end, all inclusive resorts.  Typically they are in the top third when it comes to all inclusive resorts.  

Also to note:  Playa Bonita has only been operated under the Secrets name for a few months.  I believe that explains a number of things, as you will see.

I've long been a critic of out sourcing if you take no responsibility for the end product.  Case in point is what we went through upon arrival in Panama.  Secrets does not offer transfers from the airport to the resort.  Instead they refer you to Gamboa Tours.  

The process for booking the transfers was not fun.  It included faxing information.  In this day and age that alone makes you stand out as behind the times.  Despite that, they seemed nice enough and fairly responsive.  We didn't have any concerns off the bat.

Jump ahead to Panama!  We navigate the miserable and poorly signed airport and to customs.  Now, I will warn people about something.  This is not the US.  Do not expect US customs.  This is different.  They are going to take a photo of you and record all of your finger prints.  Some people would be freaked out by that, so be prepared.

You get through customs and to the baggage claim.  After you have your bags, they collect your customs declaration and x-ray your bags.  It seems odd.  If you could get something past all the other security you've already been through, what are the odds they are going to find something?

Once you are past that round of security, you enter the area where all the taxis and pickups are.  Like Gamboa said, someone was right there holding a sign with our name on it.  (so far so good, right?)  Sadly that's where things fell apart.  The first thing the lady does is apologize to us (that gives you a good feeling). She tells us that the way they scheduled the bus, we'd have to wait "a while".  She told us to take a seat by the rental agencies.

I sat down and then got up about five minutes later.  I wanted to know what "a while" was.  I approached the lady and asked if we were talking an hour or two, or what.  After all, if it had been a two hour wait, I would have demanded my money back and gotten a cab.  My paperwork said they were going to pick up at 2pm and drop me off a the resort at 2:45.  

She quickly told me that the plane she was waiting for was already on the ground so maybe 10min or so.  In my head I automatically doubled that so I wouldn't be disappointed.

45min later, she came and got us.  Needless to say, we were already annoyed.  According to our paperwork, we should have already been at the resort.  We group up with a bunch of other people and then fight our way through the packed terminal to a waiting bus.  All of us sit down and wait... and wait, and wait.  Finally she shows up and said that she's missing two people who were on the same plane.  She took off to find them.  Great.

We wait, and wait, and wait.  Guess who shows up?  The lady and the two people....and six others.  Apparently they were breeding like rabbits.  You can't leave those pesky tourists alone for ten minutes!

Finally we get underway.  She gets on a microphone, turns it up to 11, and spouts off an on the fly tour.  Before she really got going, she said that the trip should be much faster than usual since it's not a week day and the traffic won't be bad.  She actually said, it might only be 25min.

25min later I realize that this lady has no concept of time.  I'd never made the trip before, but I researched it.  I knew that at the 25min mark, we were barely halfway there. 

Okay so enough about the transfer from hell.  I blame Gamboa for that and shake my head in disapproval at Secrets.  Don't refer people to a transfer company that incompetent.

Time for the check in!

Transitioning from the bus to the resort was handled well.  The guys doing the luggage seemed competent (and ended up being some of the most competent).

While waiting in line, the staff did as much as they could to speed the process up.  They then came through and handed us some champagne.  (Cool beans, right?)

Our turn to check in came up.  Thus begins one of the worst vacation experiences of my life.

Everything goes well until they ask to see the credit card I booked the room with.  I pull out the card that is tied into that account.  Not good enough.  They need to see the ACTUAL card.  That poses a problem.  That ACTUAL card was compromised and automatically blocked by the bank to prevent fraud.  I explain that.  They don't care.

I try to get pull up my statement on my phone.  Too bad!  I had never accessed my account on that phone.  Even with Wifi, I can't get in.  Being in a foreign country, I can't text the security code back without inuring an expense.  They don't care.

I ask if they can call the bank.  They do.  It takes the lady a while but she manages to connect to my bank.  They tell her that it's the same card and that they see the charge on the account.  Guess what...they don't care.  They want to see something physical.

At this point my wife asks if there is anything that can be done,  The lady shrugs.  What kind of a reply is that?  Guess what my wife did?  She went into dragon mode and demanded to speak to someone else.

I pull up my Tripit Confirmation!  That would work right?   Nope.  Not good enough!

Before I go further, let me outline what Secrets has in their hand:

1. Both our Passports.

2. A rep from the bank saying that it's the same account and that they see the charge paid.

3. The confirmation email that shows the total amount paid.

4.  The credit card assigned to that account.

Two different supervisors come over and hem and haw over it.  Their offer is to put a hold on our card for the full amount of the room (not the deal amount we paid for it) and then see if the booking office can do anything in a couple days when they are open again.  That would involve us putting our vacation on hold when Monday hit.

Thankfully, the girl at the bank broke the rules for us and emailed us the credit card statement that showed the transaction.

Check in time - 1hr.  Annoyance level - considering writing off Secrets for life.  At the very least we totally wrote off going to the spa or the private dinner.  We were not spending a single extra dollar after putting us through that nonsense.

We finally get to our room.  It's not bad, but it's not up to Secrets standards (look for the upcoming room review video).  There are no snacks in the mini-fridge.  That was a bummer for us because we hadn't eaten since breakfast.

We quickly get changed and go looking for food.  That's never an issue at a Secrets resort.  Ha! Surprise!  This just became a Secrets resort, so you can shove it!  There is only one place open.  We head over there.  The lady struggled big time when it came to communicating.  She said they were not open yet.  We pushed and found out that it was open, but only for appetizers.  Good enough.

We sit down and order an app.  The app we picked wasn't an option.  She said they didn't have it (super).  We order some nachos instead.  

While we wait for the nachos, we see a seemingly endless stream of burgers, pizza, chips and dips, and a number of other things not on the app menu pour out of the kitchen.  (Grrrrrr).

We get our nachos.  They were on par with the nachos you'd get at a ball park, but they had some weird stuff that looked like liquefied boogers.  Yes....that was their guacamole.  I've never seen guacamole like that before.  I never want to see it again. 

After a few beers and other assorted drinks, we headed to dinner at Portofino.  That's their Italian dining location.

The food tasted good, but it was ugly.  I ordered pasta e fagioli, a soup with pasta and beans.  I got a soup that looked like baby vomit with a piece of bacon floating in it.  See for yourself.

Behold!  Baby Barf and Bacon Soup!

The place was obscenely loud.  That make me look around to see why.  There was no themeing, no decorations, and only hard surfaces.  It seemed half finished. 

Portofino

We finished the meal off with Tiramisu.  At least that's what they called it.  It was not Tiramisu.  My wife called it Tiramisu flavored cheesecake, minus the lady fingers.  Great way to end that night.

Good morning!

Time for breakfast!   We head to the Market Cafe.  It's the only option for breakfast.  It's terrible.

We get seated at a table with one napkin (on one side) and one coffee cup (on the other side) and wait, and wait, and wait.  No one comes so we just get up and get food.  No one showed up while we were eating either.  We never got coffee, which was good since they only had one cup on the table.  We never got water.  We never got napkins.  The people seated next to us (and after us) got service.  We never did.

Market Cafe

On a side note.  Market Cafe is Portifino.  They just shove you through a different door.

Why is it so bad?

First - you can tell the staff was never trained.  They have no concept of classical service.  They make a tooooooonnnnnnnn of mistakes.   They avoid eye contact with you.  They do not respond when you say thank  you half of the time.  Most of them act like they do not want to be there. 

Second - The place is not a Secrets.  I know it has the name, but it is so far below the curve, it actually drags the Secrets name through the mud.

Helpful Tips

Do not try to get a drink outside.  There is only one bar.  It's a small bar.  It has to handle the orders from all the roving servers, the dining location right next to it, and ALL the outside guests.  It's a stupid setup that leads to HUGE backups.

Instead, wait till 11am and go to the inside bar.  It's much less crowded.

Do not go to the buffet for dinner if you want a table for just you and one other person.   It's a group style buffet.  You will have to sit with people you don't know at large tables. 

Do not expect good service.  The people work hard, but don't have a clue.  They have never been trained.  

Do not expect Secrets style amenities.  They do not exist here.  For instance - nothing is self serve.  There are no water coolers all over the place.   Expect nothing and you might be happy.

DO NOT pay rack rates for this place.  Do not pay over $200 a night for this place.  You will be disappointed!  Secrets can charge a premium at Jamaica and some of their other resorts, because they are worth it.  This place barely hits the industry average.

Review of Royal Caribbean's Grandeur of the Seas

(The Grandeur of the Seas docked in Bermuda)

 

The Grandeur of the Seas is an older ship in Royal Caribbean’s fleet.  This is in no way a bad thing.  In fact in some ways it helps.  In this review I’m going to go through the good and the bad.  This review is going to cover the ship , its crew, and the service they provide.

THE SIZE

Since it’s an older vessel it’s smaller.  Its size is actually a positive thing.  Too often people think bigger is better.  Sure bigger might have some more amenities but it also means more people are on the ship.  The more people on the ship the longer it typically takes to get on and off.

Too many people also impacts service.  For example: this ship has had about 40 suites that qualified to use the concierge lounge.  The newer ships have AT LEAST double that.  By default your experience is going to be more impersonal when twice as many people are involved.

On the downside the smaller size means the ship is going to move more if the seas get rough.  If you do not suffer from motion sickness this could actually be fun.  If you are prone to motion sickness this could be a deal breaker for you.

(the view from deck 10 looking across the ship)

 

THE AMENITIES

The Grandeur is a fairly basic ship.  It does not have the features of the newer boats.  For example the newer ships have what is basically a shopping mall.  The Grandeur has a small shopping area.  The newer ships have an area where you can surf or body board.  Dream on you are not going to find that one the Grandeur.  The only “new” feature that the Grandeur has is a rock climbing wall.

The main dining room is themed after the Great Gatsby.  Thankfully they did not go overboard this it. If no one told you what it was themed after you might not even notice.  Other cruise lines tend to be garish when it comes to their dining rooms.  That is not the case with this dining room.  Overall it has more of an air of elegance than other dining rooms because it’s not over the top.

Everything else is about average.  The bars are what you would expect, the buffet is a normal buffet area, the pools are average for a cruise ship, and the layout is your typical cruise ship.  The only thing slightly outstanding is the fact that there are only two main pools and one is reserved for adults.  Newer ships tend to have more but then again they need more because they try to cram so many people on the ship.

THE FOOD

This is one area where Royal Caribbean crushes NCL.  The food was much better than anything you’ll find on NCL.  Then again that isn’t too difficult considering NCL served stale bread and only the cheapest food in the dining room.

I will admit that Royal Caribbean does not live up to its original standards in this area.  They do reserve the best food for their specialty dining locations but I don’t think you will find much to complain about.  What I should say is Royal Caribbean maintains a high standard when compared to the current trends in the cruise industry.  If you haven’t cruised in the past ten years you might be a little disappointed.

THE SERVICE

Now we come to a truly mixed bag. IF nothing goes wrong and you have no complaints, the service you will receive on the Grandeur is exceptional.  The service is much better than anything you will find on NCL or Carnival.  Sadly if something does go wrong you might find that they fall flat on their face.

To explain where they fail I will relate an issue I ran into.  Our stateroom had a door that joined it to the next stateroom.  This door was not insulated.  You could hear EVERYTHING going on in the stateroom next to yours.  It wasn’t just our imagination either.  The door was so poorly insulated that you could see light coming through the door when you shut the lights off.

So what happened when we called to complain (background: RC did not disclose the fact that we booked an adjoining stateroom)?  They informed us that we could not move because the ship was full (that’s not uncommon).  Instead they offered to send security.  I shot that idea down faster than a fat getting in line for an all you can eat buffet.  For a moment think about Royal Caribbean was really proposing.  Because they didn’t disclose the room was adjoining and they did a horrific job insulating the door they wanted to punish the people in the room next to us?  Excuse me but, they paid a lot of money to go on vacation and enjoy it.  They were not being excessively loud.   How much of a jerk would I be if I had called security on them?  It wasn’t their fault. 

Can you imagine what it would have been like if I had let Royal Caribbean call security on my neighbors who were doing nothing wrong?  What a fantastic way to start a vacation! I know when I go on vacation I want to piss off my neighbors on day one and then spend the rest of the vacation trying to avoid them even though it’s a small ship. Maybe I could set a bag of flaming doo poop in front of their stateroom door while I’m at it!

Instead of sending security wouldn’t it have made more sense to see if maintenance could find a way to sound proof the door a little?  Maybe send a guy up with a thick blanket and have his shut it in the door? At least try something, anything to show you care at least care about the problem you created.

So I’m sad to say that the service barely breaks even.  I’m sad to say that because a lot of the crew work their butts off to provide good service.

ENTERTAINMENT

Most of the entertainment you will run into on the Grandeur is so typical of cruise line entertainment it’s not worth talking about.  However there is one thing that sticks out.  Royal Caribbean does atrium shows.  They are aerial shows that take place in their main atriums (typically where they have their glass elevators).  The one we saw was called Seasons.  This show reminds me a lot of Circus de Soleil.  It’s a fun show that is worth seeing.

OVERALL

The Grandeur of the Seas is a nice ship.  I’d say I’d go on it again but the issue with the room left such a bitter taste in my mouth that I don’t know if I ever want to go on Royal Caribbean again (I’ll go into detail why in a future post). 

If you are thinking about going on the Grandeur, look up your proposed stateroom!  Make sure you know as much as you can about that room before it’s too late.  If you get a nice stateroom the Grandeur will be an enjoyable ship to spend your vacation on.  

CMDTA on Vacation – NCL Jewel

This is my first post of a number based on my recent vacation. I will be covering a number of subjects. Some will be funny, some will be informative, but all will be rather blunt. I’m not going to try to sweeten anything. It is what it is.

My first subject is the Jewel and NCL. As some of you know I sailed on the Jewel’s sister ship the Pearl on an Alaskan cruise in 2007. That experience was rather poor but I believe in giving second chances so I gave NCL another shot.

Let me start by saying that I am seriously considering never giving anything a second chance. If the cruise on the Pearl was poor then the cruise on the Jewel was indescribably bad.

THE SHIP

The Jewel is an unimpressive ship with NCL’s famous tacky artwork on the outside of the ship. Nothing about this ship is impressive. I honestly believe the original designs for this ship started as a nursing home and were then modified to be a cruise ship. The dining rooms are and restaurants are bland and uninspired, there is no real atrium but there is a rather ugly area they call an atrium, and the pools were ok at best. I can only say one positive thing about the Jewel – it’s easy to navigate.

THE ROOM

Because of the largest on board credit I’ve ever seen I booked a mini-suite. Size wise it was ok but it wasn’t much larger than a standard balcony on Carnival. There was a tub which sounds nice but there is nothing special about it. It wasn’t very deep and it was rather narrow. In the bathroom they have the toilet separated by a sliding door. That’s normally a nice touch in a bathroom. I say normally because it means two people can be in the bathroom at once if one really has to “go.” It was not a nice touch in this bathroom because the door was clear. What nitwit thought it was a good idea to put a glass door there? The size of the bathroom was nice. It was nice to sit on the toilet straight on. I mention that because inside rooms are so cramped you can’t sit straight on the toilet unless you are an amputee or a midget. You have to sit on it cock eyed.

The balcony was ok. It wasn’t any bigger than a normal Carnival balcony. However, getting onto the balcony was an adventure. It had a sliding glass door which was unbelievably difficult to open. I’m not kidding when I say it took almost everything I had to get this door to slide a few times.

The TV in the room was a joke. It was a tiny tube TV. Hello! A 22” LCD is dirt cheap and would save space.

The bed was ok. They claimed they put memory foam pads on the beds. I think they did that because the beds are old. As you can imagine it wasn’t that great. Without the foam topper it would have been awful.

One thing that amazes me is the fact that NCL puts the people who pay more on the floor below the pool deck. On the Jewel that is deck 11. This means people who pay more have some of the LOUDEST state rooms on the boat. IDIOTS! We were stuck under the kids program. From 10am to 11pm it sounded like a herd of elephants was walking above us.

What was the worst thing about the room? It stunk. Seriously, it smelled really bad. NCL allows people to smoke in their staterooms. We complained so they came and sprayed Fabreeze. Then is smelled like smoke and Fabreeze. They asked if it was better the next day. We said it was a little better but it still smelled. Guess what they did? Fabreeze! We started leaving to balcony door open to air the place out. Downside was it caused all the windows to fog up because it was so humid out. It was ok by the fourth day of our seven day cruise but every time we opened a cabinet we got hit with the smoke smell.

THE FOOD

To say the food was bad is an understatement. It was the worst food we’ve had on any cruise EVER! It was awful. Nothing we had really stood out as good but a lot stood out as bad. There were a number of things that were so bad we couldn’t eat them. Most of the food was obviously reheated and it showed. I haven’t had food this bad since I was on the Pearl. Now my wife and I mistakenly figured that due to “Freestyle Dining” which incorporates a number of “Premium” restaurants (that’s fancy speak for pay) that you had to go to one of those restaurants to get food that wasn’t crap. We thought wrong! We did the “Premium” thing one night and it was just as bad. The bread was stale and the food was crummy, and we paid $30 for that.

The other thing that really frosted by bananas about the food what happened if you ate at one of the free dining locations. They sent someone from table to table to try and sell the “Premium” restaurants. Why not send someone around and say “If the food is going to suck why not pay for it?”

The best food we found was at the buffet. A BUFFET. Keep in mind I said “best” not “good.” My wife hates buffets but by the end she was asking if we could eat there so we’d have marginal food. The worst part about the buffet was there were no lines. IDIOTS! You don’t cram that many people into a confined space when forks and knives are available and not organize them!

There was one thing we found that was never stale and always tasted good. The frozen yogurt you served yourself out of the machine.

THE WORST FOODS

My wife ordered encrusted snapper. Once upon a time it was encrusted but by the time it was served it had been reheated and the “crust” was the consistency of a gummy worm. That’s amazing considering the primary ingredient was nuts.

I ordered French onion soup. I’ve worked in kitchens. I know how to make it right. I also know how to make it fast but make it look right. NCL did neither. The cheese wasn’t browned and the soup wasn’t hot.

My wife ordered a hamburger through room service. Even a sub par hamburger is edible so we figured NCL couldn’t screw that up. Ha! NCL can screw anything up! What was delivered was a hockey puck with cheese on it. I say hockey puck because it was hard as a rock and cold.

My wife grabbed a yummy looking chocolate pastry from the chocolate buffet. It was a dinner roll with chocolate on it. I really wish I was kidding.

I could go on but I have other things to cover.

THE ENTERTAINMENT

We tried to do that entertainment. It didn’t work. This is another failing of “Freestyle Dining.” Everyone hits the entertainment at the same time. That means you either need to stay up late to catch the late show or show up 30 to 60 minutes early. Sorry I’m not going to do that.

When you have set times for dinner the crowds are spread out and everyone can go to the show they want.

At least there were decent movies on the TV. They play recently released to video movies so in November of 2009 that means the selections were Up, Julie and Julia, and other movies from the same timeframe.

THE SERVICE

The service was ok at best. Here is another area where “Freestyle” fails. In a traditional setting you have the same waiter every night and that means he’s invested in you. He will work for his tips! Take that away and you get ho hum service.

When we complained about our room a person took our info and said they would take care of it. They didn’t tell us when or how. The communication was awful.

When you called room service you often got this guy who was as friendly as a rabid pitbull and didn’t even say goodbye.

On a number of occasions we witnessed the staff arguing with each other.

I caught and called out a bar tender for being lazy. It was our last night on the boat and I’d had enough. It wasn’t even by drink but I wanted to let him know I caught him. Someone ordered a Long Island Ice Tea and then they returned to their table. The bar tender made it by pouring two shots of vodka into a glass with two ounces of sour mix and a splash of coke. As many of you know that is not a Long Island. I thought that was how NCL made a Long Island until the guy cam back for a second. This time he didn’t go back to his table until the drink was done. Because the customer was standing there, the bartender made a real Long Island. BOOOOOOO!!!! It’s bad enough that the booze cost up to $9 a drink. You can at least give us a real drink!

FINAL COMMENTS

Our experience with NCL and the Jewel was so poor I considered taking laxatives to rid myself of the remnants of this cruise.

I’ll be doing further posts for each port of call and stories.