Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Four - Meh

The inconsistencies and short comings continue to abound.  I wanted to wash my bathing suit and then hang it to dry.  I quickly found out that the clothesline in the shower is busted.   It's simply amazing how many things in our room are broken.  None of them are major, but they leave you shaking you head.

In some ways it's worse to find out that some of the rooms have far more amenities, without being in a different price range.  I wish that was a joke.  Some of the rooms have built in iPads that allow you to order room service and other things.  Our phone doesn't even work.

You might wonder why we haven't complained about the issues we've run into.  I have a few reasons for that.  First, there are so many things that they are inexcusable.  If there was only one or two things, I'd report it.  Second, from my experience so far, if we did report it, nothing would happen.  The level of service offered here is shockingly low.  

After speaking with a few of the other guests, I've quickly discovered that Secrets Playa Bonita has a general rule. You are guilty until proven otherwise.  Our check in made that abundantly clear.  The way the staff has treated us has backed that up.

Now, we did mention to one of the ladies in customer service, that our phone was broken.  She did nothing.  I mean NOTHING.

Yeah that's about right.

Last night we hit the outdoor, roving, Panamanian buffet.  It was possibly the best food we've had so far.  A third of it was mediocre, a third average, and a third good.  By this place's standards, that's outstanding.

One thing that really stood out was one of the sauces for the meat.  It was a fiery habanero sauce that would set your mouth on fire.  It was one of the best things I've had since being down here.

One thing I've imagined to make the time at this place a little easier is to picture one of the many "residents" as replacement staff.  It's a stupid Disney fantasy, but it makes me smile.

What on Earth am I talking about?

I keep imagining these guys delivering drinks and waiting tables.

Your waiter - Mr. Pelican

A vigilant lifeguard.

He mixes a mean gin and tonic.

He's grumpy but he knows how to cook a steak.  Just don't ask for the crab legs.

Your friendly entertainment staff.

How bad is it that you have to daydream about animals serving you, while on vacation?  How bad is it when you start to think that they could do a better job?

That's mean and one sided.  I said it once and I'll say it again.  The problem with the staff is training.  They really need to shut down for a few weeks, train everyone, and get all the rooms up to snuff.

We did find a way to get our mini-bar stocked.  We stock it!  Hazzah!  Yeah...we ask for two bottles of water and two cans of beer before going back to our room.  That sometimes works, depending on whether the bar has water or not.

You read that right.  Multiple times they have been completely out of water.  You better not ask when they will have some either!  You'd be better off bending over and shoving your own head up your bum.  You'd be more likely to find good service in there.

Earlier I said that you are wrong until proven right here.   This place doesn't understand how polices should be applied.  Everything is black and white.  The rules are the rules and they are not bent or broken!  You shut your mouth and do it!

For instance,  someone was asking if he could get a plate of food to take back to his room.  Step back and think about that request.  Sure, why not?  What's the big deal?  So what happened?  They told him he had to sit down at a table to get food.  End of the discussion.

Exactly!

There is no flexibility here.  There is no outside the box thinking.  Instead of seeing how a request is acceptable, often they try to find how it's against the rules.

This place makes me think of thing.  A clip from a long time ago.  A clip where Whitney Huston defiantly told the world to....smooch a certain part of her anatomy.

She must have worked here at some point.

You Won't Find Boobies Here...At Least Not the Ones You're Looking For

Many (term used loosely) of you might wonder why on Earth am I doing a post entitled "You Won't Find Boobies Here...At Least Not the Ones You're Looking For."  Let me explain.

Over a year ago I did a post called "The Return of Flash Mountain." It was a real post (I have to explain that on this blog) about how cut backs at Disney Land and Disney World could result in the return of people flashing and getting away it on Splash Mountain. 

That alone shouldn't be a reason for me to have to tell people that I run a mostly family friendly blog and you will NEVER find nudity here.  However, Blogger.com gives you many tools.  One of which is a report of keywords used to find your blog.  What is the number one keyword used to find my blog?

"Flash Mountain Video"

That makes me sad.  Out of all of videos, photos, and insane articles I've posted, most people have come here looking for boobies. 

Fine, if that's what people want to see I'll help you out.  Here you go.  These are the only boobies you'll ever find on my blog.

CMDTA on Vacation – Rotan Honduras

You’d think the misery that NCL inflicted on us would dissipate when we got to a port of call. You’d think wrong.

When we reached Rotan Honduras we found out that NCL has an odd way of tendering people off of the boat. You need to get a ticket. To get your ticket you have to get in line with EVERYONE who is not on an excursion bought through NCL. As you can imagine this line is huge. It spans the better part of the ship. Your ticket has a little number on it and they call people in groups.

We got our ticket and waited to be called. Finally they called us and we headed down to the tender location. However, they stop you a deck above the tender location if they feel too many people are down there. Don’t try to think about that too long or your head will explode. I know you have to ask, “Why did they call us if they were not ready?”

While waiting in the stairwell we noticed something disturbing. The NCL employee, who sounded like Checkov from the new Star Trek, had insanely long finger nails. Long finger nails on a man are just wrong. They make me want to toss my cookies. I’m not talking about a little bit of growth; I’m talking about growth that rivaled a French manicure. The worst part was I had to hand my ticket to him.

We make it to the tender. Guess what the tender was? They lowered a few of the life boats. I don’t know if you’ve ever checked one of those life boats out or not but I can tell you they are not fun. They are cramped, hot, and go about as fast as a Segway. It took about ten minutes to go less than 500 yards.

We made it off the boat and headed over to a monkey preserve. It was fun. There were monkey’s that were swinging in the trees and one would sit on your shoulder for a photo. He didn’t like sunglasses because he often plucked them off of people’s heads and threw them on the ground.

If you don’t like monkeys you could have your picture taken with a large scarlet macaw on one should and a huge green parrot on the other. The green parrot hated the nubs on the top of baseball caps. Everyone that took a picture with him had their nub plucked off and spit out. I don’t know where he learned that but it was amusing.

The ride back and fourth was uneventful. Not your typical close your eyes and hope you don’t die vacation taxi ride. Don’t worry we had one of those later.

Back at the port we found a bar because we could get booze for less than half what the boat was charging. At the bar I discovered a great drink. It’s called a “Lethal Injection.” It’s a long island that frozen, with no coke or sour mix but has Amaretto and coconut mild instead. They are dangerous.

We needed a few drinks because we knew what was coming next. We had to get back on the boat.