An Open Letter to AMResorts

Five days ago, while still on vacation, I took the time to email AMResorts.  They are the parent company of Secrets.  I wasn't expecting anything to come from it, but I should have at least gotten a token response.  

It's been five days and I've have not received a response,

The following email was sent to info@amresorts.com :

Why do I get the feeling that as soon as you saw the subject line to this email, you shuddered a little? :)

I don't have to tell you what it's like down here.  No doubt you've been monitoring most of the travel sites and cringing at the reviews.

I haven't seen a review yet that honestly detailed what it's like to vacation here.  My wife and I are half way through our "unlimited luxury".  The experience has been bad enough to forever sour our opinion of Secrets.  I didn't think that was possible before coming here.  I even saw the reviews and thought I was prepared.  It's hard to express how disappointed we are.

I won't go into a lot of details.  I already cataloged them on my travel blog.  There are a few that I have to point out, because I feel they are shockingly bad.

Check in was the worst travel experience of my adult life.  The only travel experience that was worse was when I was a kid and was involved in an accident while on vacation.  All my front teeth were knocked out back then.   This experience comes right behind that.  At least back then someone cared about what happened.

A month or so ago, my credit card was compromised and automatically blocked and reissued.  I thought nothing of it.  It's not the first time I've been through that.  It's never been an issue before.  Can you guess what happened when I went to check in?  I don't feel like writing it again, so here is an excerpt from by blog:

Everything goes well until they ask to see the credit card I booked the room with.  I pull out the card that is tied into that account.  Not good enough.  They need to see the ACTUAL card.  That poses a problem.  That ACTUAL card was compromised and automatically blocked by the bank to prevent fraud.  I explain that.  They don't care.

I try to get pull up my statement on my phone.  Too bad!  I had never accessed my account on that phone.  Even with Wifi, I can't get in.  Being in a foreign country, I can't text the security code back without inuring an expense.  They don't care.

I ask if they can call the bank.  They do.  It takes the lady a while but she manages to connect to my bank.  They tell her that it's the same card and that they see the charge on the account.  Guess what...they don't care.  They want to see something physical.

At this point my wife asks if there is anything that can be done,  The lady shrugs.  What kind of a reply is that?  Guess what my wife did?  She went into dragon mode and demanded to speak to someone else.

I pull up my Tripit Confirmation!  That would work right?   Nope.  Not good enough!

Before I go further, let me outline what Secrets has in their hand:

1. Both our Passports.

2. A rep from the bank saying that it's the same account and that they see the charge paid.

3. The confirmation email that shows the total amount paid.

4.  The credit card assigned to that account.

Two different supervisors come over and hem and haw over it.  Their offer is to put a hold on our card for the full amount of the room (not the deal amount we paid for it) and then see if the booking office can do anything in a couple days when they are open again.  That would involve us putting our vacation on hold when Monday hit.

Thankfully, the girl at the bank broke the rules for us and emailed us the credit card statement that showed the transaction.

Check in time - 1hr.  Annoyance level - considering writing off Secrets for life.  At the very least we totally wrote off going to the spa or the private dinner.  We were not spending a single extra dollar after putting us through that nonsense.

So we get to the room.  I think it's easier to say what's working than whats broken.  It really looks like our room was in the process of getting renovated when someone stopped, cleaned up, and checked us in.

Our phone is the biggest issue.  It's broken.  We've reported it three times and not a single person has come to look at it.  Every time we want to order room service, we have to go to the front desk.  For breakfast, we have to ask for a card at the front desk.  That's worked two out of three times.

I'm not going to go into the service.  It's not possible that you do not know how bad it is.  People are complaining about it everywhere.  I'd rather take the time to single out two employees.  In five days, I've found only two employees who are Secrets level employees.  Balbino is a server who works in the Market Cafe and often in a supportive role at the other restaurants.  Anjimara is a waitress we've run into at Bordeaux.  Those are the only two who have been good.

The front desk, so far, hast been the worst of the batch.  They never smile and when I have to approach them, I feel like an inmate asking for an exemption.

You know an experience is bad when someone stops in the middle of their vacation to write a letter like this.

I fully expect that you will send a token response before filing this away.  If I email you, maybe a couple of people find out.   To date, my review of Secrets St. James has over 23,000 views.  On average it grows by six hundred per month.  My room and resort review of Playa Bonita is going up right next to it.

I know in the grand scope that 23,000 isn't a whole lot, but it makes me feel better knowing that I can warn so many people about this place.

To be honest, after my experience here, I can't imagine traveling to another Secrets.  It's too risky.  This place has devalued the Secrets name to such a degree that it's become almost meaningless.  I can't justify picking Secrets over Sandals, Club Med, or another chain.

Five days is more than enough to get a response back.

If I ever hear anything back, I'll let everyone know.

Secrets Playa Bonita - Standard Room Review

First watch the video, and then I'll fill in some blanks.

So what else is there?  In the bathroom, I mention the gaps where mold can grow.  One of these is caused by the wall moving.  I'm serious.  If you push on the wall, it moves.  It's as if it is floating and not bolted to anything.

You'll notice that the sheets are messy in this video.  That's because the maid service was spotty.  Multiple times during our trip we did not get maid service or a turn down, despite spending at least eight hours a day outside of our room.

You might notice that the door to the room looks wooden.  It is and it's not even slightly insulated.  This means you will hear anything going on outside.  Despite this fact, the AC keeps the room nice and cool.  I can't imagine the amount of energy they burn through maintaining this.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Final Comments

Playa Bonita was, in a word, disappointing.  It did not live up to the Secrets name.  In fact, it dragged the Secrets name into the mud.  At this point, I cannot imagine I will ever return to a Secrets resort.

The food service dramatically improved after they fired the food and beverage manager and replaced him with an actual Secrets employee.   There were still some glaring issues, but the improvement was remarkable

In some ways it seemed like Panama wanted to get rid of us.  The checkout process was far better than checking, but I think that goes without saying.  Checking in was a nightmare.  The transfer to the airport was dramatically better too.  They sent a car and we were there in about a forty minutes.

I think all of the speaks to the biggest issue at Playa Bonita - consistency.  There are some rare times when you get an employee who seems to care and then there is the 90% when things are not so good and you are lucky to get water.

On a side note, I did discover the working arrangements (at least for the front desk).  The employees work six days a week for seven hours.  They get one day off that is determined by their managers.  I hope they get paid well, since that kind of schedule seems like it would lead to burnout.

Overall, don't go to Play Bonita.  Maybe in a few years it might be okay, but right now it's not good.  Maybe if you can get a deal for $99 per person per day, it might be a value.  Just lower your expectations and don't expect it to be a Secrets.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Eight - You Might Die.

Last night we hit the Caribbean Night.  It was almost the same as Panama Night, but with different food.  If you want to eat outside, this is the way to go.  Usually at night the temp drops to around 80 with a nice breeze.  This makes it very comfortable.

This is our last day.  I think in some ways that we were forgotten.  Many people received a coupon package when they checked in.  We did not.  Most people had some useful information left in their room about the resort and tours you could take.  We did not get get that.  Some people got snacks in their room.  We never got that.  Some people got nips of alcohol.  We didn't get that either.

We were stunned last night to arrive back at our room to find the minibar guy restocking the fridge.  He was slow as molasses, but that slowness allowed me to look at his cart.  There was a number of things other people got in their mini-fridge that we did not.

I guess the drawback of getting your mini-bar refilled is that we didn't get a turn down.  When you get your turn down, you get your agenda for the next day.  If we want to know what's open tonight, we'll have to take a trip to the front desk.  Happy days!

I have to provide a very serious warning to anyone reading this.  If you have food allergies, your life could be in danger by coming here.  I wish I was kidding.  Time and again, the menu does not match what is delivered to you.  Often nuts are added to items or they are in items without being put on the description.  Shellfish can also pop up without notice.  If you get an extremely competent waiter, you might be able to ask them whats in the food.  Most of the time, that won't help, unless you speak Spanish.

Let me give an example of a disconnect between the menu and what is delivered.  The cheese plate on the menu says "Served with assorted breads, homemade pickles, and marmalade."  Look for yourself...

Possibly Lethal Descriptions

Someone with a gluten allergy would never order that.  That's too bad.  What was delivery was gluten free.  However, it came with nuts, no bread, no homemade pickles, and no marmalade.

You will often see items on the menu listed as gluten free or vegetarian.  I would not trust that.  You would be taking a serious chance if you trust any of the descriptions on these menus.  Time and again they have been far from accurate.

Our vacation is almost over.  I can't remember the last time I really looked forward to going home.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but I have to say, after this experience I would not return to a Secrets.  ANY Secrets.   It's too risky.  It would be a complete gamble.   I'd rather put my money in a trusted, reliable brand.  If a Grand Suite on Royal Caribbean costs about the same as a Secrets vacation, there is zero reason to pick Secrets.  Royal Caribbean provides a reliable product. You know what you are going to get.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Seven - Hmmmmm.....

Things on the service side have continued to improve.  It's amazing the impact a good old firing can have.  There are still some glaring issues.  The Seaside Grill is much improved but remains the weak link in the bunch.

The other services issues remain.  For example, I've been to the front desk five times.  four of those were negative experiences.  The only time it was decent was when an employee named "Maria" waited on me.  She actually smiled and was helpful!

There is another thing that really concerns me and could be a factor behind the poor service.  Many of the employees have been working six to seven straight days.  That would be bad enough but it appears that some of them work over 12hrs a day.  It's no wonder they act like they don't care.  The only way someone can work like that, is when they contract like a cruise ship.  It's not easy, but the prospect of having three months of paid time off can be very motivating.   It's possible that the employees here have a six months on, three months off kind of deal, but that seems really unlikely.

It's also possible that they are working the grueling hours to get the resort off the ground.  Many of the staff have name tags that say "Training" on them.  I don't doubt that Secrets had to do a big purge and a big hiring.  That's what's happens when you take over a failed resort.

The one stand out thing that I will give this resort is are the grounds.  They are very nice.  They've done a great job keeping them up and you can see the workers all over the place.

If nothing else you can hide under an umbrella and enjoy the view.  On the downside, there are few available and they fill up fast.  If you want any kind of decent shade for the day, you'll need to get out there before eight in the morning.  That's a tall order for most people on vacation.

The weather has been great.

If you feel like walking, you can walk all the way down the beach in both directions.  Down the far side, near the other resort, you will find some mangroves that you can walk through.  I know they are not true mangroves, but who'd want to walk through them?

It's a neat area to check out.

As a side note, for anyone who is from a culture where going topless is common, if you want to, you can sunbathe topless.  They will not stop you.  There is a French lady that has been out sunbathing every day....No....I am not going to take photos!  Don't even ask!  There are no boobies on this blog!

Well...okay.  If you really want to see some boobies....

A lovely pair of boobies.

Come to think of it....the bar service guy seems to be over there a lot.  She never has a hard time getting a drink.  Hmmmmm....

Secrets Play Bonita Panama: Day Six - The Man In the Green Shirt

He's a tall Mexican man with an athletic build.  He carries himself with an air of confidence and people react to his presence.  He's a man on a mission.

I have yet to speak with this man, but I know why he's here.  I've heard from other guests about him.  Secrets shifted gears, terminated the food and beverage manager, and sent in one of their own from Mexico.

I've never seen one person have such a sudden impact.  Look at my review of lunch from yesterday.  I was a joke.  It was hard to find anything good about it.  Six hours later we ate dinner at Portifnio.  It was like visiting an entirely new restaurant.  We ate here on day one.   We cannot compare the experience we had on day one with this one.  The change was too dramatic.

The service was what you'd expect from a Secrets.  The wait staff was attentive and did a good job.  They still don't always respond when you thank them, but some of them did.  The food is now the low point.  Not that the food is bad, but the new food and beverage manager will need to address it.

What is the problem with the food?

It's not always consistent and the descriptions on the menu do not match what is delivered to you.

For instance, guess what this is:

Looks like a chocolate covered cake, right?

According to the menu, this is a Sambuca fruit salad.  What this really is, is a kind of mint custard covered in chocolate.

That's not the only example of getting food that isn't even close to the description on the menu.  When you order here, the food isn't going to be terrible, but it's not going to be what you ordered in most cases.   You'll need to do some trial and error to find out what means what.

It'll be interesting to see if the man in the green shirt has an impact on the Seaside Grill.  So far that's been ground zero for spotty service.

Considering the impact one man has had, Secrets needs to send in a general manager.  The problems here go far beyond the food and beverage service.

On a somewhat positive note, the phone is finally fixed.  It took three days and three complaints, but it's fixed.  The IT guy came up and worked on it for over an hour.  In the end he had to move it to a new jack and reconfigure it.  At least it's working now.

While he was working I noticed something really annoying.  Someone before the IT guy, knew the phone was busted.  It had been intentionally unplugged and left where it was.  Super fun time!

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Five - Lowered Expectations

Things continue to be laughably bad at times.  The low point for today was trying to get a room service order card for breakfast.  We hit the front desk, asked for one, and were told it would be delivered to our room.  Two hours later we gave up and went to bed.  This was also the second time we complained about our phone not working.

Indeed

For dinner we went back to Bordeaux.  Part of me wanted to see if the diarrhea on a plate was a one time occurrence.  This time when we sat down, there was no American rock playing.  Instead we got to enjoy some lovely house techno, because nothing says French cuisine like techno.

To our amazement, our waitress, Anjimara, was a Secrets caliber employee.  She was friendly and professional.  She apologized for taking a long time to come to our table initially, and was attentive after that. We even had our wine glasses refilled, Wow!  It took five days to find two Secrets caliber employees.

More about service later.  Now onto the food.

About half of the things that are placed in front of you look appealing.  You already saw the Baby Barf and Bacon soup.  That represents the other half.

This is an example of the good half.  It doesn't mean it tastes good.  That's another matter.  At least it looks like someone cared.  This is the endive salad, it's a little bland but not bad.

Another thing that surprised me this night was the Coq Au Vin.  I had low expectations when ordering it. When it came, I still had low expectations.  It did not look appealing.

I don't want to say what it looks like.

This turned out to be the best thing I've ordered so far.  The meat fell off the bone.  Too bad everything couldn't be this good.

To finish off, I had to do it.  I had to order the poo on a plate.  What I got wasn't quite as bad as when my wife ordered it, but it was still unappealing. 

Mmmmm....poo on a plate...

So what is that?  On the menu, it says it's molten cake (with a peanut butter filling) and raspberry ice cream.  Sure...seems legit!

One - there is no peanut butter on this plate, just a ball of something somewhere between a mildly chocolate cake and cookie.  Two - that's chocolate ice cream.  Three - that's a smear of raspberry sauce.  

Breakfast the next day was surprisingly good.  Why?  Balbino was our waiter!  We got coffee and juice!  He even checked in with us!  Holy testicle Tuesday Batman!  Someone, call the five o'clock news!  We got service at breakfast!

Well, lunch made up for that.  Our waiter was friendly but didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.  I mean he seriously served like someone pulled him off the street and told him to wait tables.  We got water - once.  One drink order and that was it.  I gave up, walked out of the restaurant, and up to the bar to get a drink.

Another couple we've run into a couple of times ended up talking to one of the managers that Secrets imported.  Apparently, this place shut down for a month to train the staff.  The manager then threw the people of Panama under the bus and blamed them for having poor service skills.  

Jokes on you.  I was the trainer. 

I did some research and found what I feel is one of the main causes for the staffs' awful skills.  Panama has an unemployment rate of 2.5%.  In other words.  No one here gives a crap.  They have job security.  If they get fired, they will easily find another job.

In a case like that, the employer has to be willing to lower the profit margin.  Higher pay only does so much.  You need to instill a recognition program.  If a guest mentions you on any kind of positive feedback, you get a small bonus.   It doesn't have have to be monetary.  It can be as simple as a paid day off or other free stuff.  The bottom line is simple.  You have to find a way to make the employees care about their jobs.  Right now they mostly seem to hate being here.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Four - Meh

The inconsistencies and short comings continue to abound.  I wanted to wash my bathing suit and then hang it to dry.  I quickly found out that the clothesline in the shower is busted.   It's simply amazing how many things in our room are broken.  None of them are major, but they leave you shaking you head.

In some ways it's worse to find out that some of the rooms have far more amenities, without being in a different price range.  I wish that was a joke.  Some of the rooms have built in iPads that allow you to order room service and other things.  Our phone doesn't even work.

You might wonder why we haven't complained about the issues we've run into.  I have a few reasons for that.  First, there are so many things that they are inexcusable.  If there was only one or two things, I'd report it.  Second, from my experience so far, if we did report it, nothing would happen.  The level of service offered here is shockingly low.  

After speaking with a few of the other guests, I've quickly discovered that Secrets Playa Bonita has a general rule. You are guilty until proven otherwise.  Our check in made that abundantly clear.  The way the staff has treated us has backed that up.

Now, we did mention to one of the ladies in customer service, that our phone was broken.  She did nothing.  I mean NOTHING.

Yeah that's about right.

Last night we hit the outdoor, roving, Panamanian buffet.  It was possibly the best food we've had so far.  A third of it was mediocre, a third average, and a third good.  By this place's standards, that's outstanding.

One thing that really stood out was one of the sauces for the meat.  It was a fiery habanero sauce that would set your mouth on fire.  It was one of the best things I've had since being down here.

One thing I've imagined to make the time at this place a little easier is to picture one of the many "residents" as replacement staff.  It's a stupid Disney fantasy, but it makes me smile.

What on Earth am I talking about?

I keep imagining these guys delivering drinks and waiting tables.

Your waiter - Mr. Pelican

A vigilant lifeguard.

He mixes a mean gin and tonic.

He's grumpy but he knows how to cook a steak.  Just don't ask for the crab legs.

Your friendly entertainment staff.

How bad is it that you have to daydream about animals serving you, while on vacation?  How bad is it when you start to think that they could do a better job?

That's mean and one sided.  I said it once and I'll say it again.  The problem with the staff is training.  They really need to shut down for a few weeks, train everyone, and get all the rooms up to snuff.

We did find a way to get our mini-bar stocked.  We stock it!  Hazzah!  Yeah...we ask for two bottles of water and two cans of beer before going back to our room.  That sometimes works, depending on whether the bar has water or not.

You read that right.  Multiple times they have been completely out of water.  You better not ask when they will have some either!  You'd be better off bending over and shoving your own head up your bum.  You'd be more likely to find good service in there.

Earlier I said that you are wrong until proven right here.   This place doesn't understand how polices should be applied.  Everything is black and white.  The rules are the rules and they are not bent or broken!  You shut your mouth and do it!

For instance,  someone was asking if he could get a plate of food to take back to his room.  Step back and think about that request.  Sure, why not?  What's the big deal?  So what happened?  They told him he had to sit down at a table to get food.  End of the discussion.

Exactly!

There is no flexibility here.  There is no outside the box thinking.  Instead of seeing how a request is acceptable, often they try to find how it's against the rules.

This place makes me think of thing.  A clip from a long time ago.  A clip where Whitney Huston defiantly told the world to....smooch a certain part of her anatomy.

She must have worked here at some point.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Three - Grump Cat's Delight

The third day has to be better, right?  Any place that calls itself "Secrets" can't maintain a level of service that low....or maybe they can.

The resort looks amazing.  Just check out these photos.


Looks can be deceiving.  The phone in our room, busted.  One of our electrical outlets, busted.  The minibar - doesn't close properly.  On top of that, many small things are missing.  For instance, our room did not have a guest directory, a do not disturb placard, never had the room service placard replaced, never had the mini-bar refilled, is missing some light fixture coverings, the door to the room isn't a uniform fit, the caulking in the bathroom looks like a drunk monkey did it, and the door to the shower doesn't stay closed, so water gets all over the place.  Also, pray that there is no fire, because all the emergency signage is gone.  It looks like it was ripped off the door.

Now for another missing thing.  There is no tissues.  I know I can blow my nose on toilet paper, but this is a Secrets.  Even a Motel 6 has tissues! (UPDATE - My wife found the tissues.  They were off to the side, stuck in an alcove, in a decorative box)

You might think I'm nit picking, but I'm not.  Nit picking is focusing on one or two small issues.  This place has more issues than I can count.  All the little things add up to a place that is not up par.

Dinner was another fun experience.  We went down to the Seaside Grill, hoping it was better than the lunches we had there.

My wife ordered a medium New York Strip.  She got a London Broil that was well done.  After what I'd seen I figured I should avoid standard beef.  I went with the short rib.  I got a bone with some gristle and fat.  There was maybe four bites of meat on it.

My wife and I both ordered the garlic soup.  We both got the soup, but mine had a bread stick in it.  Hers did not.  How does that even leave the kitchen?

At least I could look forward to desert, right?

They asked if we wanted desert, when we said "yes," they said we were getting the brownie and ice cream.  Forget the menu, that's all they had.  The place had only been open for dinner for about two hours and had at least another three to go.  A bet a lot of people were happy last night.

When the brownie and ice cream came, only one came.  I need a friend of mine to help me adequately imply how I felt.

Thanks bud!

 I should also mention the drink service.  The lady came over and asked for our drinks.  I realize that most of the staff doesn't speak English well.  This lady was exceptional bad when it came to English.  My wife switched to Spanish.  It didn't help.

My wife ordered a Mojito with no sugar.  The lady didn't understand.   After a prolonged, confusing discussion, my wife gave up.  The lady turned to me.  I ordered a beer.

What did we get?  Two Mojitos with what looked like extra sugar.

Thanks again bud!

Jump ahead to breakfast.  We braved the Market Cafe again.  There was no possible way it could be worse than the first time, right?

Yes I was right this time.  It did take nearly 15 minutes to seat us.  That's pretty amazing for a buffet.  In the end we actually were waited on and got coffee!  Twice!  Woot!

I'll take this moment to single out one of the very few bright spots so far.  It's a guy named Balbino.  He's a nervous looking, short guy who seems to be the friendliest person here and actually responds when you say "thank you."

One thing that might be helpful to anyone coming here - pack salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.  None of the tables have those.  You might be tempted to ask, but the service here is so slow, you might not get it before you finish your meal.

I'm trying not to complain about the slow service, but it's really slow.  I mean super slow.  I mean this gut could serve twice as fast:

My name is Sclomo and I'll be your server tonight.

It's not the staffs fault either.  At any given meal, it looks like poorly controlled chaos.  I think a lack of training plays a HUGE part.

That's been the story so far.  Poorly trained staff, working their butts off, at resort that is far below par.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day One - Welcome to Misery

I've now been at Secrets: Playa Bonita Panama for roughly 24 hours.  Those hours include our transfer to the resort, the check in process, our first night, and our first breakfast.

So how does it stack up?

First off let me say this:  Secrets is a chain of resorts run by AMResorts.  Secrets is the no kids, higher end, all inclusive resorts.  Typically they are in the top third when it comes to all inclusive resorts.  

Also to note:  Playa Bonita has only been operated under the Secrets name for a few months.  I believe that explains a number of things, as you will see.

I've long been a critic of out sourcing if you take no responsibility for the end product.  Case in point is what we went through upon arrival in Panama.  Secrets does not offer transfers from the airport to the resort.  Instead they refer you to Gamboa Tours.  

The process for booking the transfers was not fun.  It included faxing information.  In this day and age that alone makes you stand out as behind the times.  Despite that, they seemed nice enough and fairly responsive.  We didn't have any concerns off the bat.

Jump ahead to Panama!  We navigate the miserable and poorly signed airport and to customs.  Now, I will warn people about something.  This is not the US.  Do not expect US customs.  This is different.  They are going to take a photo of you and record all of your finger prints.  Some people would be freaked out by that, so be prepared.

You get through customs and to the baggage claim.  After you have your bags, they collect your customs declaration and x-ray your bags.  It seems odd.  If you could get something past all the other security you've already been through, what are the odds they are going to find something?

Once you are past that round of security, you enter the area where all the taxis and pickups are.  Like Gamboa said, someone was right there holding a sign with our name on it.  (so far so good, right?)  Sadly that's where things fell apart.  The first thing the lady does is apologize to us (that gives you a good feeling). She tells us that the way they scheduled the bus, we'd have to wait "a while".  She told us to take a seat by the rental agencies.

I sat down and then got up about five minutes later.  I wanted to know what "a while" was.  I approached the lady and asked if we were talking an hour or two, or what.  After all, if it had been a two hour wait, I would have demanded my money back and gotten a cab.  My paperwork said they were going to pick up at 2pm and drop me off a the resort at 2:45.  

She quickly told me that the plane she was waiting for was already on the ground so maybe 10min or so.  In my head I automatically doubled that so I wouldn't be disappointed.

45min later, she came and got us.  Needless to say, we were already annoyed.  According to our paperwork, we should have already been at the resort.  We group up with a bunch of other people and then fight our way through the packed terminal to a waiting bus.  All of us sit down and wait... and wait, and wait.  Finally she shows up and said that she's missing two people who were on the same plane.  She took off to find them.  Great.

We wait, and wait, and wait.  Guess who shows up?  The lady and the two people....and six others.  Apparently they were breeding like rabbits.  You can't leave those pesky tourists alone for ten minutes!

Finally we get underway.  She gets on a microphone, turns it up to 11, and spouts off an on the fly tour.  Before she really got going, she said that the trip should be much faster than usual since it's not a week day and the traffic won't be bad.  She actually said, it might only be 25min.

25min later I realize that this lady has no concept of time.  I'd never made the trip before, but I researched it.  I knew that at the 25min mark, we were barely halfway there. 

Okay so enough about the transfer from hell.  I blame Gamboa for that and shake my head in disapproval at Secrets.  Don't refer people to a transfer company that incompetent.

Time for the check in!

Transitioning from the bus to the resort was handled well.  The guys doing the luggage seemed competent (and ended up being some of the most competent).

While waiting in line, the staff did as much as they could to speed the process up.  They then came through and handed us some champagne.  (Cool beans, right?)

Our turn to check in came up.  Thus begins one of the worst vacation experiences of my life.

Everything goes well until they ask to see the credit card I booked the room with.  I pull out the card that is tied into that account.  Not good enough.  They need to see the ACTUAL card.  That poses a problem.  That ACTUAL card was compromised and automatically blocked by the bank to prevent fraud.  I explain that.  They don't care.

I try to get pull up my statement on my phone.  Too bad!  I had never accessed my account on that phone.  Even with Wifi, I can't get in.  Being in a foreign country, I can't text the security code back without inuring an expense.  They don't care.

I ask if they can call the bank.  They do.  It takes the lady a while but she manages to connect to my bank.  They tell her that it's the same card and that they see the charge on the account.  Guess what...they don't care.  They want to see something physical.

At this point my wife asks if there is anything that can be done,  The lady shrugs.  What kind of a reply is that?  Guess what my wife did?  She went into dragon mode and demanded to speak to someone else.

I pull up my Tripit Confirmation!  That would work right?   Nope.  Not good enough!

Before I go further, let me outline what Secrets has in their hand:

1. Both our Passports.

2. A rep from the bank saying that it's the same account and that they see the charge paid.

3. The confirmation email that shows the total amount paid.

4.  The credit card assigned to that account.

Two different supervisors come over and hem and haw over it.  Their offer is to put a hold on our card for the full amount of the room (not the deal amount we paid for it) and then see if the booking office can do anything in a couple days when they are open again.  That would involve us putting our vacation on hold when Monday hit.

Thankfully, the girl at the bank broke the rules for us and emailed us the credit card statement that showed the transaction.

Check in time - 1hr.  Annoyance level - considering writing off Secrets for life.  At the very least we totally wrote off going to the spa or the private dinner.  We were not spending a single extra dollar after putting us through that nonsense.

We finally get to our room.  It's not bad, but it's not up to Secrets standards (look for the upcoming room review video).  There are no snacks in the mini-fridge.  That was a bummer for us because we hadn't eaten since breakfast.

We quickly get changed and go looking for food.  That's never an issue at a Secrets resort.  Ha! Surprise!  This just became a Secrets resort, so you can shove it!  There is only one place open.  We head over there.  The lady struggled big time when it came to communicating.  She said they were not open yet.  We pushed and found out that it was open, but only for appetizers.  Good enough.

We sit down and order an app.  The app we picked wasn't an option.  She said they didn't have it (super).  We order some nachos instead.  

While we wait for the nachos, we see a seemingly endless stream of burgers, pizza, chips and dips, and a number of other things not on the app menu pour out of the kitchen.  (Grrrrrr).

We get our nachos.  They were on par with the nachos you'd get at a ball park, but they had some weird stuff that looked like liquefied boogers.  Yes....that was their guacamole.  I've never seen guacamole like that before.  I never want to see it again. 

After a few beers and other assorted drinks, we headed to dinner at Portofino.  That's their Italian dining location.

The food tasted good, but it was ugly.  I ordered pasta e fagioli, a soup with pasta and beans.  I got a soup that looked like baby vomit with a piece of bacon floating in it.  See for yourself.

Behold!  Baby Barf and Bacon Soup!

The place was obscenely loud.  That make me look around to see why.  There was no themeing, no decorations, and only hard surfaces.  It seemed half finished. 

Portofino

We finished the meal off with Tiramisu.  At least that's what they called it.  It was not Tiramisu.  My wife called it Tiramisu flavored cheesecake, minus the lady fingers.  Great way to end that night.

Good morning!

Time for breakfast!   We head to the Market Cafe.  It's the only option for breakfast.  It's terrible.

We get seated at a table with one napkin (on one side) and one coffee cup (on the other side) and wait, and wait, and wait.  No one comes so we just get up and get food.  No one showed up while we were eating either.  We never got coffee, which was good since they only had one cup on the table.  We never got water.  We never got napkins.  The people seated next to us (and after us) got service.  We never did.

Market Cafe

On a side note.  Market Cafe is Portifino.  They just shove you through a different door.

Why is it so bad?

First - you can tell the staff was never trained.  They have no concept of classical service.  They make a tooooooonnnnnnnn of mistakes.   They avoid eye contact with you.  They do not respond when you say thank  you half of the time.  Most of them act like they do not want to be there. 

Second - The place is not a Secrets.  I know it has the name, but it is so far below the curve, it actually drags the Secrets name through the mud.

Helpful Tips

Do not try to get a drink outside.  There is only one bar.  It's a small bar.  It has to handle the orders from all the roving servers, the dining location right next to it, and ALL the outside guests.  It's a stupid setup that leads to HUGE backups.

Instead, wait till 11am and go to the inside bar.  It's much less crowded.

Do not go to the buffet for dinner if you want a table for just you and one other person.   It's a group style buffet.  You will have to sit with people you don't know at large tables. 

Do not expect good service.  The people work hard, but don't have a clue.  They have never been trained.  

Do not expect Secrets style amenities.  They do not exist here.  For instance - nothing is self serve.  There are no water coolers all over the place.   Expect nothing and you might be happy.

DO NOT pay rack rates for this place.  Do not pay over $200 a night for this place.  You will be disappointed!  Secrets can charge a premium at Jamaica and some of their other resorts, because they are worth it.  This place barely hits the industry average.

Upcoming Videos

Over the next six months there will be some new videos. 1st - A room review from the new Secrets resort in Panama (Playa Bonita). 2nd - A video overview of the layout and features of Playa Bonita 3rd - Nerds unite! A mix of stuff from the upcoming PAX East 2016!

The first video should hit sometime in February.

Secrets Private Seaside Dining Review

What turns a meal into a value?  For some people it’s solely based on the food they receive.  Some people want a lot of food for their money, others are only concerned about quality, and others still want a balance of both. 

On the other side of the coin you have people who give a lot of weight to the environment they are eating in.  If a place is poorly decorated the meal isn’t as good.  If a place has exceptional atmosphere maybe it makes up for subpar food. 

When you are paying $160 to $200 for two people to eat all of the above come into play.  Secrets offers a private dining option.  This option puts you and one other person at an outside, seaside, candle / torch list table.  You get one bottle of wine and a three course meal.  Is that worth the price?

Since a majority of the readers of this blog are Disney fans I am going to draw a lot Disney comparisons to help you judge if this option is worth the hefty price tag.  

The Atmosphere

It wouldn’t be easy to beat the atmosphere you experience with this dining option.  It is a nice relaxing atmosphere.  In most cases you will be eating on the sand somewhere.  The torches give just enough light to make things comfortable.

It sounds great but there are some big drawbacks.  First of all your experience could vary dramatically from another persons experience.   The reason for this is the actual dining locations vary greatly.  Some are out of the way and private while others are only feet from main walking path meaning you get no privacy whatsoever.   In our case we were put on a strip of sand a few feet from a private pool and the doors to half a dozen rooms.  All the lights were off so it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t ideal.

If you eliminate the privacy issue the atmosphere was about on par with a mid to high end Disney dining location.  San Angel Inn, The California Grille, and Garden Grille all offer atmospheres that have the same level of atmosphere.  Granted I am talking about having atmosphere not what kind.

So overall the atmosphere does not meet the price you pay. It’s just too much of a crap shoot.

The Service

The service starts with your server or a assistant meeting you at one of the bars and then walking you to your table.  In theory this should work well.  Our experience was not a positive one.  The bar we were assigned to wait at was closed for a private party so we didn’t even have anywhere to sit or get a drink.  We felt like a nuisance as we stood around and waited, and wait we did. 

We checked in, were checked off, and told our server would be with us shortly.  Then we waited as they tried to find our server.  No one seemed to know where he was.  After seeing the chaos of four different people call or try to find our server, finally someone showed up to seat us, twenty minutes after we were supposed to start our dinner.  Not a good start.  Considering this was supposed to be personalized service that exceeded our expectations it fell flat.  Most check in experiences at most Disney dining locations were far superior to what we experienced here.  This could be an anomaly but it still happened.  If it happened to one party I don’t doubt it’s happened to others.

Our server was decent.  He did well but considering what you are paying and what you get he was not up to par.  When I think of a dining experience that claims it’s on this level I think of The California Grille or Jiko.  At either of those locations you will normally get service that was far better than what we got at t his private dinner.

The service fell far short of mark.

The Food

So did the food make up for the other shortcomings?  I’ll start by saying the food I would expect at this price range should be on par with Jiko, The California Grille, The Brown Derby (when it’s at its best), or Narcoossee’s. The food wasn’t even close to what you’d get at any of them.

The food was terrible but there was one major issue with it.  The food was the exact same food you could get at any of the other restaurants on the property.  All of those restaurants were included in the cost of your vacation.  When you pay beyond that you expect something really special not the same stuff in a different location.

The food was a major flop for the price.

In the end, if you buy the cheapest package, you are paying $160 - $200 to eat on the beach under torchlight.  Keep that in mind.  You can get the same food and similar service at any of the normal dining locations at Secrets.  If the experience of dining seaside is worth that price for you then you would want to do this.  If that sounds insane then avoid this package at all costs.

New Video Posted: Secrets Junior Suite Overview

A new video has been posted to YouTube.  It's a video overview of an average Junior Suite that can be found at the Secrets St. James resort found in Montego Bay Jamaica.

Overall it's a decent room but it has some...odd features.  Some of the features would be total deal breakers for some people. 

You can see the video here.

CMDTA On Vacation: Secrets Jamaica Day Five and Six

One thing Secrets has a lot of is cats.  There are cats everywhere.  While it might drive the gardeners nuts to have them around it does keep most of the pests under control.  With these guys around you don't have to worry about rodents and the lizard population is kept in check. If you are allergic that would be a bummer which is why I am mentioning them.  No where in any of it's advertisements will you find out that there are a flock of feral cats at Secrets.

Day five put us at the El Patio restaurant.  That is secrets Mexican restaurant.  It wasn't bad but I wouldn't rave about it.  The food at San Angel Inn is better.  The food here was rather cookie cutter.  The service was decent.  The atmosphere was one of the best parts.  It wasn't in your face.  Some Mexican restaurants go bananas when it comes to decorating.  They pack every last stereotypical thing into their dining rooms.  Not El Patio.  It has a nice Spanish feel to it without being busy.  The colors are warm and relaxing.  The brickwork (well fake brickwork) ceiling was a nice touch. 

When you are at Secrets you have a lot of choices when it comes to food.  I've covered most of the dining options.  I'll be doing a separate write up of their romantic dinner for two in a later post.

There are a few things I should mention when it comes to the food.  First, the Jerk Chicken Cart. This is the best thing (food wise) at Secrets.  The only I can compare this to are the turkey leg carts at the Magic Kingdom.  You smell the cart from fifty feet away and it draws you in.  I don't know what they put in their sauce but it was incridible.

One of the overlooked places is the Barefoot Grill.  The food isn't great but it's good.  Vegetable fritters, meat pies, homemade potato chips, hot dogs, hamburgers, and nachos.  The best part is almost all of those are self serve.  Just walk on over and grab what you want.  Oh and I am forgetting the best part.   Self serve beer and soda.  Yes you grab a cup and pour away.  Red Stripe on tap with no one in the middle.

We finally got another sunset. Most of the days it was partly cloudy and all of the clouds seemed to show up just in time to block the sunset.  It was starting to get annoying.  Figures that on our last day we'd get a sunset though.  The sunsets at Secrets are not the amazing drop into the ocean sunsets you get on a cruise or from some island locations.  The sun drops below a hill but continues to light up the clouds.  It makes for some very nice shots. 

Another thing about this shot is what is in the foreground.  It's a wedding.  There were a lot of weddings over the week we were at Secrets.  I don't know how much it costs but it's a nice little location.  The only issue I could see for some people is the lack of privacy.  The main walkway is only a few feet from where they have the weddings.  If that doesn't bother you then this could be a great choice.

For the people who want to go to the next level from a junior suite there are the swim out suites.  Here is a photo of the area you get to swim in.  Honestly this just isn't worth it.  It's a tiny area that doesn't lead anywhere great.  It just doesn't seem like it's worth the money.  It's something that sounds better than it is.

CMDTA On Vacation: Secrets Day Three and Four

Sorry but I didn't get a video of the Tepan Edo style dining location.  I didn't even get pictures.  Long story.  Anyways it's a shame I didn't because it blew Tepan Edo out of the water.  It was more exciting and more entertaining. The food was about the same and you still sat with a lot of people you don't know.

We also hit the French restaurant.  The service was very good. Some of the best yet.  The food was good but a couple things were odd.  The onion soup was off.  I don't know what was wrong with it.  I think maybe the cheese wasn't right but I couldn't quite tell.  It was still tasty though.  

For desert we ordered the creme brulee.  It tasted okay but it was warm. That's a little off putting.  You'd expect the custard to be cool like normal creme brulee.

So after days of sitting around and doing next to nothing what do you do?  You go snorkeling! There was a nice spot just off the beach.  normally you don't see much just off of the beach but that's not the case here.  

First of all I'll explain that I do not have a water kit for my DSLR.  I own a little Fuji Film XP camera which is water, drop, dust, and freeze proof.  The photo quality isn't top notch but for what it does I can't complain.

First of all it's school time!  What I am talking about?  Think of Finding Nemo.  Yes we have a sting ray in the house.  Now I don't know if the teacher in Fining Nemo is a sting ray or a manta ray but I know he was a friendly fellow...not to mention big.  This fellow on the right is big.  The picture doesn't do it justice.  I was at least 15 feet above him when I took this.  His wing span is about eight to ten feet. He's huge! If you look closely at his tail you'll notice a brown stripe.  That is his stinger.  It's big, it's barbed and you don't want to get hit with it.  Thankfully sting rays are gentle giants and almost never sting people unless the person is annoying, attacks, steps on, or a similar act.  Sting rays just want nothing to do with people unless you are feeding them.  I do not recommending feeding a wild sting ray.  That has bad news written all over it.  However if you go to Grand Cayman you can feed them at sting ray city.

Next behold the amazing lion fish.  This is one fish you do not want to mess with.  The pack a wallop. those barbs hold a toxin that can rock your world.  If you are allergic to that toxin there is a good chance you will be dead before they can get you to shore.  

Amazingly the lion fish is not native to the Caribbean.  It somehow made there from the Red Sea.  Most likely someone dumped a former pet.

CMDTA on Vacation - Secrets Jamaica Day Two

Day two at Secrets is now over.  It was a decent day.  Mostly the same as day one.  For some people that is the biggest problem with an all inclusive vacation.  It ends up being the same thing day after day.  It's not like Disney where everyday is dramatically different.  It's not even like a cruise which can be very different day to day.  

I mentioned the pools earlier.  Most of them are endless (see the picture above) and most of them are split.  By split I mean half heated and half cooled.  You get to pick what you want.  Some of the pools have swim up bars.  I like the idea of a swim up bar but something bothers me about them.  You see people at the swim up bar all day.  I mean ALL DAY.  They never get out of the pool.  Either their bladder can hold a couple gallons or...

Now the pools have lots of lights in them which is nice.  Even more so at night.  The heated pool is very warm.  If I had to guess I'd say it hovers around 90 degrees.  The cool pool is very cool.  I mean it's colder than the ocean.  I'd place it at 70 degrees.  It's nice to have both because then you can shift gears as the sun goes in and out. When the sun it out you jump in the cool pool to stay cool.  When it's in and the wind is blowing you can jump in the warm one.  The only problem is at night they turn the heat off.  It's mainly to save energy but still it's it's kind of a bummer when you get use to the nice hot water to get into lukewarm water. 

For dinner tonight we hit Portofino which is the Italian dining location.  It was good.  The atmosphere was a little more profound than the Blue Mountain.  They had some nice fake stone work to make it seem more Italian inside.  At least they tried.  Still it was no where near what you find at Disney.  The food was good.  Overall it was very good.  The only problem was the desert.  Their tiramisu was not good. My wife liked it but I honestly thought it was one of the worst tiramisus I have ever had.   It was way too sweet and didn't seem to have any lady fingers.  BLAH.

Tomorrow we are hitting their Tepan Edo style dining location.  I'll grab a video to share with everyone.  Then you can compare it to Tepan Edo in Epcot.