New Rewards Program

When the economy gets bad you have to get creative. Disney announced a new program last week that is aimed at stimulating the economy.

“This program is “stimulating” in a number of ways,” stated Roger Rabbit in an interview.

The idea for the new program was developed by Roger and his cartoon buddies. They took a game they’ve played for years and put it into practice.

The basic idea is random characters will walk up to guests and give them a swift kick to the crotch. If the person manages to stay on their feet the family gets a full night taken off their bill. If they are not staying on property they will receive a $50 gift card.

The family isn’t the only one to be “stimulated” by this program.

“I expect business to shoot through the roof. I’m the closest sports equipment store near the Disney property. I’ve stocked up on athletic protectors,” stated George the owner of a local Orland business.

Of course Disney is also planning on carry a full line of character themed athletic protectors in the parks and resorts.

The press release did not include an expiration date or a limit on how many people could be “stimulated.” However, the sack smacking could continue for quite sometime if the economy stays down and the program is successful at drawing people into the parks.

Disney to Install Giant Magnets

Late last week a cast member leaked information regarding a new sinister plan to boost profits. The plan involves installing giant magnets in strategic locations through out the parks. The theory behind the magnets is to nab the loose change in peoples’ pockets.

A magnet will be installed about drop in the Tower of Terror. When the ride drops the magnet kicks on. The combination of the negative g forces and magnet will extract any metallic objects in a person’s pockets.

The Rockin’ Roller Coaster will have multiple magnets. Each inversion will have a magnet located under it and will kick on when the train goes overhead.

Most benches and bathrooms will also have magnets located at specific angles to extract change from people sitting down or out of pants on the floor.

The magnets are expected to “draw” in about two million in annual profits from pocket change and the stray watch or other valuable.

“They’ve tried everything else to squeeze the last nickel out of people so this doesn’t really surprise me. I personally thought they’d have bandits in Frontier Land rob people and pass it off as a show,” stated an independent Disney analyst.

Look for the magnets to be in place by the end of the month.

The Plus Side of a Bad Economy

For Disney and its employees the bad economy has been awful. Too many people have lost their jobs. I haven’t been in the parks since December 2008 but I’m guessing there have been some cut backs there too if you look for them. I know Fatasmic has been cut back to only a couple of nights a week. Disney seems to be saving where ever they can.

There is one bright side. Many people were able to afford to go do Disney over the last few months. The discounts being offered have been substantial allowing many who otherwise couldn’t have afforded to go to Disney, take a nice Disney vacation.

In some ways I wish the economy would stay down. If it did I might be able to afford to go back in February. Right now Disney doesn’t think that’s going to happen. In my opinion the release free dining for the 4th quarter is a sign that Disney thinks the end is in site. If they believed a prolonged downturn was in sight, you would have seen an extension of the four get three free that is currently being offered through the summer.

There are some other options the Disney could throw out there and draw some people into the parks. Here are a few:

1 – Instead of free dining do a gift card. Free dining is tough sometimes. It packs the restaurants and you always end up eating more than you should. A gift card would be a nice change of pace.

2 – Free services – In many ways I think this would be the most profitable. Instead of discounting the rooms or giving free dining, make the extras free. I’m talking about horse back riding, a few rounds of golf, or take one of the mini boats out. I think that would attract some people, lower the crowds in the parks, and would be cheaper than the alternatives.

3 – Free tours – Instead of charging people for the tours include them with certain vacation packages.

4 - Add new, free, interactive classes like character training and allow the guest to be an actual character for an hour or so in the parks. This would allow you to either save on employment costs or allow for more guests to interact with a character because more of them would be out and about.

How to Survive a Tough Economy

Disney has been trying to stimulate people into the parks by offer discounts off vacation packages and rooms at their resorts. It appears that this has been effective. This does pose one problem though. You’re getting people there but you’re not making the same kind of money. People just don’t have the money to spend on the extras.

Disney came out with D23 to try to generate some income. Only the hardcore fan is going to want to pay that much for a magazine, some events they’d have to travel to, and the right to buy stuff other people can’t.

At least Disney was heading in the right direction. You need to nab all the people who can’t afford to make it to the parks. Go outside the box in a sense.

So what can Disney do to increase the bottom line? There are a few things. Bad times need creative ideas!

1 – Protection Services: Is your kid getting bullied at school? Why not hire Buzz Lightyear as a body guard? Is someone harassing you at work? Why not hire Brer Bear to club them in the ally? For a nominal fee Disney will take care of your “problems.”

2 – Escort Services: I’m not talking about the bad escort services. I’m talking about a legitimate service. Can’t get a date for the prom? Why not hire Cinderella to be your date? Is a class reunion coming up and you’re not married, have an awful job, and you’re ugly as sin? Imagine the look on people’s faces when you walk in with Ariel. People will think you’re rolling in it! Do you have no luck when you go to a bar or night club? What you need is a good wingman. The ladies love Pluto and for a small fee he’ll be by your side all night!

3 – Dunk a Villian: For five dollars you’ll get three shots to dunk a villain of your choice. Pick from Capt Hook, The Queen of Hearts, The Witch from Snow White, and Piglet. Coming to a mall near you soon! Look for our discount coupon online which will give you one extra ball!

4 – Disney New Line of Adult Beverages: Each character will have their own brand of booze. Mickey’s Malt Liquor, Minnie’s Margarita Mixers, Donald’s Duck Spit Tequila, and Pluto’s Punishing Punch just to name a few. Each will have a bright label with the character’s face on it.

5 – Disney’s Own Line of Firearms: Need a new hunting rifle? Why not buy Goofy’s Gatling Gun? Those deer won’t stand a chance! Are you harassed by witches? Then you need Doc’s Desert Eagle. Those witches won’t dare mess with you again.

6 – Home Security: Thinking about getting a security system for your home? Or maybe you were considering a big mean dog. If you were, you should consider a Disney Home Security System. It’s guaranteed or you money back. For a monthly fee Disney will install a specially programmed EVE in your home. EVE will terminate anyone invading your home. For an additional monthly fee with upgrade you Disney’s Gold Security package. This package includes your own specially programmed WALL-E who will keep EVE in perfect working order as well as compact your trash and entertain the kids with his antics.

7 – Extreme Makeover Disney Edition: There is a guy who’s turned himself into a cat, another lady turned herself in Cleopatra, and Octomom turned herself into Angelina Jolie. Disney will soon be offering character makeovers. Through surgical augmentation and tattooing your can not have your own pair of permanent Mickey ears. Is Goofy more your style? No problem they do that too. Just a few of the other options include: Pluto’s tongue, Simba’s tail, Rizzo’s nose, and Kermit’s arms.

Disney’s Untapped Asset

Most people are under the impression that Disney has found a way to generate income from nearly every asset they have. However, that belief is incorrect. There is one asset that Disney has not attempted to profit from. If you are wondering what it is let me give you a hint; chances are you’ve been a part of that asset at one time or another. Everyone who has every entered a Disney property has.

Give up?

Disney has more security camera’s than I can even imagine. You can imagine what Disney has caught on video over the last thirty years. There is a good chance that years of video are recorded and kept on file for legal reasons. With a simple tweak to the disclosure on the ticket, Disney could tap a gold mine.

We’ve all see the videos on the “Caught on Tape” shows on TV. Imagine all the people whose pants have fallen down while doing an unofficial marathon. Imagine all the people who have picked their noses on the dark rides because they didn’t know they were on an infrared camera. Imagine all of the funny outfits people have worn at the parks. It’s gold! I’d buy the DVD of the “Worlds” Worst Dressed people.

Disney could also do a video of all the soccer moms who got pushed over the edge after a long day in the parks and started swinging or the dad who’s been turned into a pack mule and has a kid over each shoulder, a fanny pack, back pack, camera bag, and souvenirs tied to his belt.

When you think about it there are so many options. Of course Disney would stay family friendly and not show all of the ride pictures and videos of people doing naughty things. Big surprise, a number of those has already been leaked onto the internet but Disney doesn’t need to descend to that to make a big profit.

I think the biggest money maker would be the outtakes - videos of the character walking into a wall or door because they couldn’t see clearly. The videos of a character bending over and their head falling off would be classic too. I can’t forget to mention all of the crotch shots. You can’t have an outtakes video without a crotch shot montage.