The Dark Side of Being a Character

People thing the heavy costume, brutal heat, sweaty kids, crazy adults, or jerks who try to hit you in a sensitive spot are the worst part of being a character. People are wrong. Being a character is more than it appears. There is an underground fellowship / guild that is formed by the characters. Like any guild there is an “probation” period.

The term “probation” is used because it’s not PC to use the true word, hazing.

For decades the characters have tried newbies by fire to make sure they could handle the daily rigors of being a character. The following information was gathered over years of extensive research (aka I made it up).

The first documented case of hazing took place when Snow White reportedly “beat Cinderella about the head and shoulders with a glass slipper.” After the beating Snow White reportedly dragged Cinderella to her feet, hugged her, and said she was now “one of us.”

Some of the accounts of hazing were not one time events. Of the Seven Dwarfs, Grumpy was the last one to join. Being the last one, he is continually teased and the subject of many practical jokes. This is to continue until an eight dwarf joins. This explains why Grump is…well grumpy. Hazing also resulted in Dopey’s current state. He took one too many blows to the head until his hazing ended when Sneezy joined the gang.

The most recent case of hazing involved Bolt. Mickey distracted Bolt while Goofy swapped out his normal collar with a remote controlled shock collar. They waited until Bolt was in public and greeting guests before they started pushing the button. You can imagine the antics that followed.

Some characters just couldn’t take the abuse and gave up. Roger Rabbit is the most famous example. Nearly every character you can imagine, dropped a safe on Roger as soon as he was out of the view of the public. It got to the point where Roger refused to use any cast member access doors without Baby Herman going first. As you can imagine this is also the reason Baby Herman is not longer in the parks.

Other characters thrive on abuse. Stich was whacked on the head with his surf board, had the cherry tomatoes in his salad hollowed out and filled with “Dave’s Insanity” hot sauce, was shot with a paint ball gun at close range, and was forced to perform in the worst ride in Disney World history. Through all of those things he laughed and asked for more. He is currently being monitored for mental health.

The hazing that goes on in the back ground was almost exposed when Minnie Mouse video tapped Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Belle, and Ariel roughing up Jasmine. Jasmine survived and was allowed into the “D.P.C” – Disney Princesses Crew.

As you can imagine there are also factions within the characters. Each faction is responsible for hazing its members. Here are the known factions:

DPC – Disney Princesses Crew – Known Members: Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all new princess characters.

TFF - The Fab Four – Known Members: Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Pluto, and Donald Duck. Responsibilities: Overseeing all “Welcoming”operations.

2D - Da Dawgs! – Known Members: Pluto, Copper, and Bolt. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all new Disney canines.

Freakes Incorpporated: Known Members: Stich, Sully, Mike, and Piglet. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all grossly deformed characters.

The Roughnecks – Known Members: The Seven Dwarfs. Responsibilities: “Welcoming” all vertically challenged cast members.

CCW – Cancelled Characters Walking – Known Members: Mr. Toad, Alien from Alien Encounter, the Dream Finder, Food Rapper. Responsibilities: Causing trouble where ever they can to get even for being exiled.