It’s come to my attention that I use a number of terms and words or mention locations that alienate a number of people. I’ve decided to do a post that people outside of New England can use as a cheat sheet. I’m going to cover definitions, pronunciations, and geography. The first post it going to be about New England and its states. Everything else will come in later posts.
NEW ENGLAND – New England is not a country. It’s not a state. It’s not a city. New England is a region in the north east United States. That region is made up of six states: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rohde Island.
MAINE – The largest state in NE. It borders New Hampshire. The capital is Augusta. I don’t go to Augusta. There is no reason to go to Augusta. Everyone knows that Portland should be the capital of Maine. Portland is a great city on coast about an hour and a half from Boston. The tallest mountain is Mt. Katahdin. Maine is known for its coastline. Its coast is longer than California’s coast. How is that possible? The coast of Maine is jagged and has more inlets than Rainman could count. US Route 95 begins (or ends) at the Canadian border in Maine. The largest university in Maine is the University of Maine located in Orono which is home to the Black Bears. The only sports team worth talking about in Maine is University of Maine men’s ice hockey team they are former NCAA national champions. The town Bangor can also be found in Maine. It’s only real claim to fame is that it’s home to author Stephen King (now that I think of it, that explains a lot. I’d be whacked too if I lived in Bangor). If you’re not going to the coast or going hiking – don’t go to Maine unless you like black flies, red necks, white trash, and moose. As a side note – People in Maine are bad drivers. Unlike Mass drivers they are unpredictable. They don’t know what a turning lane is. They’ll turn on their right signal and then turn left. Stuff like that. That’s why we call them Maineiacs.
NEW HAMPSHIRE – This state borders Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts. It’s nickname is Cow Hampshire which I’ve never understood because we don’t have many cows in here. It’s also known as the granite state. Its capital is Concord. Don’t know why. Manchester is a much larger city, Portsmouth is the original capital, and no one really likes Concord. Most not from here don’t know it but NH has a coast line. Granted it’s only about ten miles long but it’s a good ten miles! NH has a motto like no other. Most states have something nice or welcoming. Maine for instance uses “Vacationland” or “A nice place to visit.” Good old New Hampshire uses “LIVE FREE OR DIE.” They try to live up to that motto by having no sales or income tax. Instead we pay insane property taxes, have a number of toll roads, and the state sells all hard alcohol at its own stores. Some of the stores are like a Sam’s Club for booze. You can buy in bulk and you can find almost anything. Drivers in NH do not have to carry auto insurance. You can imagine the results. NH is home to Mt. Washington which is the tallest mountain in the north east. It also claims to have the worst weather in the world. More than 160 people had died on that mountain because they were not prepared for the weather changes which can be extreme. For more info about Mount Washington, check out http://www.mountwashington.org/. Mt Washington is in the White Mountains. The White Mountains earned that name because of all the granite that can be naturally found in NH. No one goes north of the White Mountains. There is no reason to unless you want to be alone or know what the middle of nowhere looks like. The biggest university is the University of New Hampshire, home of the Wildcats in Durham. NH is also home of the Ivy League Dartmouth University. UNHs men’s ice hockey team is one of the most popular sports teams in the state. They’ve made it to the NCAA national championship a few times but have never won. NH was also the home of famed poet Robert Frost. Many of his poems were based on rural NH.
VERMONT – Home of the Green Mountains and not much else. It’s bordered by NH, Mass, and New York. The Queche Gorge is nice. Vermont is home of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. They have no big cities or at least none that I can think of beyond Montpelier which is the capital. The biggest sports team is University of Vermont’s men’s ice hockey team, the Catamounts. The biggest Vermont cliché is that only hippies live there…well that’s true. The residents are a bunch of dirty, tree hugging, hippies so I guess it’s not really a cliché.
ROHDE ISLAND – Rohde Island is the smallest state in the United States. It’s bordered by Connecticut and Mass. Its capital is Providence. There are some mansions in Newport. The University of Rohde Island is probably the biggest University. The biggest sports team is the Providence Bruins. They are the AHL affiliate of the Boston Bruins. There are a lot of people outside of NE who didn’t even know RI existed never mind the fact that it is a state. Someone once tried to convince me that Providence was in Mass because they had never heard of RI. I really wish that was a joke.
CONNECTICUT – No one really cares about Connecticut. It might was well be New York Jr. It’s bordered by Mass, RI, and NY. UCONN is the biggest school but the Ivy League Yale is the most famous. UCONN basketball is the biggest sports team. A majority of people from CONN are NY sports team fans. That makes them fake New Englanders and traitors!
MASSACHUSETTS – Most famous of the NE states. It’s earned a lot of nicknames and mottos from the rest of us like Taxachusetts, Home of the Massholes, Sukachusetts, and so on. The capital is Boston home of the Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics. Mass has some other large cities like Worcester but none of them come even close to Boston. Boston has a ton of land marks. Quincy Market is a shopping center that dates back hundreds of years. The Constitution is the oldest war ship in the US Navy. It’s nickname is “Old Iron Sides.” There are some really old restaurants in Boston. The site of the Boston Massacre, the Union Oyster House, still serves lunch and dinner. Durgin Park has been offering great food and rude service for eons. Then there is the North End. There are more good restaurants there than you can shake a stick at. If you like Italian and don’t live in NYC, it’s your Mecca. Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket are just off the coast of the Cape. All three are massive tourist areas. Mass has more schools than you can count. Boston College, Boston University, Harvard, Brown, Northeastern, UMass, and UMass Lowell are just a few. The sports teams are the best in the world so the rest of you can go pick your noses! The New England Patriots play out of Gillette Stadium and are located a short drive south of Boston in Foxboro. The Red Sox play out Fenway Park is the one of the oldest baseball stadiums in the US. If you haven’t been to Fenway you need to go. Even if you’re not a baseball fan it’s one of the most unique stadiums in the US. The Bruins and the Celtics share the Boston Garden. I refuse to use its full name. It’s the Garden and that’s that. Boston is also to the New England Aquarium which has one of the largest salt water tanks in the world. The way it’s designed it looks bigger than the one found in Epcot. One rule to follow when you drive in Mass – drive as aggressively as possible. Mass has the most aggressive (and worst) drivers in the world. You’d think you were stuck in the chariot races in Ben Hur. At least you can count on them being aggressive so that makes them predictable unlike drivers from Maine.
Those are the New England states. We all have a couple things in common. We freeze in the winter and boil in the summer. In the winter the temps get down to -20 in some places. On top on Mt. Washington it can get down to -40 with a wind chill of -80 or more. In the summer it can hit 100+ on the hottest days in the cities. We have the reputation for being cold to visitors. That’s because we’re either melting or getting frost bite. In New England you learn to Ski, Snow Shoes, Ice Skate, or something like that. If you don’t do any of those you typically become an alcoholic. You have to deal with the six months snow some how.
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