Country Bear Jamboree to be Overhauled

In a shocking move Disney has decided to renovate and completely overhaul the Country Bear Jamboree.

In a press release Disney highlighted the following changes that will be made to the attraction:

-          All tracks to be replaced with some of the most popular death metal songs of all time.

-          The Baby Oscar will now wear a leather diaper.

-          Big Al will be overhauled with full Kiss makeup.

-          Liver Lips will be dressed in a spandex meat suit.

-          Buff, Max, and Melvin will be overhauled to have a Goth look.

-          Henry will be re-voiced by Lewis Black and he will just spew profanity at the audience between songs.

-          Wendell will be overhauled to look like a bear version of Marilyn Manson.

-          Teddi Barra will no longer sing but will instead scream and smash a guitar.

-          Ernest will no longer play the fiddle.  He will now play the drums.

-          Trixie will no longer be fat.  She will now be an emaciated strung out heroin addict groupie.

-          Gomer will now play the keyboard while wearing leather pants and a top hat.

-          Rufus will now make obscene shadow puppets in the lights.

The new show will be entitled “The Un-bear-able Death Metal Festival.”

When asked why Disney would so drastically change an attraction that has remained almost completely intact as one of the Magic Kingdoms opening day attractions, a Disney spokesman stated: “To be honest it was an oversight on our part.  We actually forgot this attraction still existed. It somehow remained under our radar all these years. It was until one of the cast members stumbled across it on YouTube that we even realized this attraction was in Disney World. Once we knew the attraction existed we knew we had to change it.  After all, no one could possibly like an attraction that is over thirty years old.”

If Disney has its way the bears will sing their last country song in a couple of months.

Once the news broke an organization called “Save Our Bears” also known as “S.O.B.” started an online petition to save the bears. 

An S.O.B. spokesperson stated that “S.O.B. will fight to the end to save the bears.  We are planning on chaining ourselves to the front of the building to block the bulldozers!”

When informed that the building is not being torn down the spokesperson stated “Oh…then we’ll chain ourselves to the stage!  You can’t have a true protest unless you chain yourself to something!”

Only time will tell if Disney or S.O.B. has its way.

Country Bears Put on Diets

Nearly the entire cast of the Country Bear Jamboree has been placed on a diet after cracks were found in the stage.

According to an unofficial Disney report the cracks were obviously stress fractures and would be quite costly to repair. The report also stated that there was a direct link between the damage and the “gross obesity” of many of the shows performers.

The bears are to be put on a strict diet and professional fitness trainers are being brought in to train the bears.

According to the report Liver Lips alone had gained 340 pounds in the last two years. The average weight gain was 160 pounds.

According to an unnamed cast member the “bear in the ceiling” gained so much weight that her swing broke and she crashed to the floor during a practice. The swing was rebuilt with high tension wires that are normally used for suspension bridges.

One major part of the proposed diet will be the elimination of alcohol. Apparently the bears would consume up to eight kegs of beer and four jugs of moonshine over one day.

One cast member who used to work the show stated that this is a step in the right direction and that the bears were often “hammered” during performances.

Other aspects of the diet will be replacing “bad” foods with “good” foods. For example instead 20 pounds of biscuits and sausage gravy, Total cereal will be served. Instead of 15 chicken fried steaks for dinner, the bears will be served braised chicken. Instead of fried lard sandwiches, a garden salad will be served for lunch.

Each bear has a target weight and a timeframe to meet that goal. If they do not meet their goals they could be removed from the show and placed in the elephant pen in the Animal Kingdom.

The Country Bear Jamboree

Love or hate it the Country Bear Jamboree has been around long enough to be listed as a classic. It’s been a Frontier Land hotspot for over 30 years. It’s also now a unique ride. Its sister was shut down in Disney Land years ago to make way for Pooh.

Located in the rustic Grizzly Hall which is a building designed to look like a log cabin. This attraction fits perfectly in Frontier Land. The entry way / holding tank for this ride can get a little cramped. Everyone piles inside the front of the building where there are some benches and fun posters / paintings. Normally you don’t have to wait too long. The show isn’t that long and because of the queue area long waits are uncommon.

Once the doors open you enter into a large old fashion theater room that is a mix between an opera house and a movie theater. There is red carpet all over the place, padded benches to sit on, and some taxidermy animal heads on the wall. At least that’s what they look like.

The show itself consists of various country music ballads and in a tongue and cheek style. The show can be funny at times and is entertaining. During the show you realize that the stuffed animal heads on the walls are actually part of the show and they interact with each other and the bears on stage.

The show has a certain charm but might bore teenagers or hyperactive children. However even they will enjoy the air conditioning on the brutally hot days.

This show is classic Disney. It’s not something you are going to find in another theme park. Its days could be numbered. As audiences change and people only flashy or extreme entertainment to feel that they are getting value, the crowds at the Country Bear Jamboree have been waning.

If you haven’t had a chance to enjoy this classic attraction, do it soon. It might not be around much longer. Don’t worry though. On my next trip I’ll snag a video of it…as long as it’s not already closed.

The Relocation Program

People love old rides because they remember going on them when they were children. When one of those rides closes is seems like a piece of their childhood has taken away. It’s a doubled edged blade. On one side you need to keep updating the parks. On the other side it’s tough to pull the plug on a beloved attraction but what can you do?

Simple – relocate.

Here are some rides that are should be relocated to protect history and to keep the parks moving forward.

1 – The Tiki Room: This ride is beloved but it’s almost a waste of space at this point. It’s time to retire it to a lovely location where it would fit like a glove on a hand. It should be moved to the Polynesian Resort. Change its run time to once an hour to keep a decent crowd and surround it with gift shops. I really think this could draw people to the resort.

2 – The Country Bear Jamboree: Where can you put the CBJ? There’s only one place it could call home, Fort Wilderness. Moving it there would save this attraction from being canned.

3 – The Carousal of Progress: Crowds have been dropping over the years. Disney’s been ignoring it. There is a lot of talk of this ride getting closed. It’s a classic. It can’t be closed. Move it to the Contemporary. It’s not a perfect fit but the only other place I could think to move it to is downtown Disney but I think that’s even worse.

There are a number of other attractions that should be saved but they are too big or really don’t fit in anywhere. For those rides it’s just a matter of time. For the ones I just mentioned I really think they can be saved.