In a shocking move Disney has decided to renovate and
completely overhaul the Country Bear Jamboree.
In a press release Disney highlighted the following changes
that will be made to the attraction:
-
All tracks to be replaced with some of the most
popular death metal songs of all time.
-
The Baby Oscar will now wear a leather diaper.
-
Big Al will be overhauled with full Kiss makeup.
-
Liver Lips will be dressed in a spandex meat
suit.
-
Buff, Max, and Melvin will be overhauled to have
a Goth look.
-
Henry will be re-voiced by Lewis Black and he
will just spew profanity at the audience between songs.
-
Wendell will be overhauled to look like a bear
version of Marilyn Manson.
-
Teddi Barra will no longer sing but will instead
scream and smash a guitar.
-
Ernest will no longer play the fiddle. He will now play the drums.
-
Trixie will no longer be fat. She will now be an emaciated strung out
heroin addict groupie.
-
Gomer will now play the keyboard while wearing
leather pants and a top hat.
-
Rufus will now make obscene shadow puppets in
the lights.
The new show will be entitled “The Un-bear-able Death Metal
Festival.”
When asked why Disney would so drastically change an
attraction that has remained almost completely intact as one of the Magic
Kingdoms opening day attractions, a Disney spokesman stated: “To be honest it
was an oversight on our part. We actually
forgot this attraction still existed. It somehow remained under our radar all
these years. It was until one of the cast members stumbled across it on YouTube
that we even realized this attraction was in Disney World. Once we knew the
attraction existed we knew we had to change it.
After all, no one could possibly like an attraction that is over thirty
years old.”
If Disney has its way the bears will sing their last country
song in a couple of months.
Once the news broke an organization called “Save Our Bears”
also known as “S.O.B.” started an online petition to save the bears.
An S.O.B. spokesperson stated that “S.O.B. will fight to the
end to save the bears. We are planning
on chaining ourselves to the front of the building to block the bulldozers!”
When informed that the building is not being torn down the
spokesperson stated “Oh…then we’ll chain ourselves to the stage! You can’t have a true protest unless you
chain yourself to something!”
Only time will tell if Disney or S.O.B. has its way.
