Lou Mongello’s Best Idea EVER

As you may already know I like to make fun of WDW Radio host Lou Mongello from time to time. At times he makes it very easy. His love…and I mean love…of Disney cuisine, his, at times, unintentionally funny videos, and his ability to somehow get huge interviews have all provided fodder over the years.

Despite what you think I don’t just make fun of people. I give props when someone does something good.

In episode 187 of the WDW Radio Show Lou had an idea that really impressed me. A listener posed the question: “If you could build a restaurant into one attraction which one would it be?”

I was trying to think of one and the ideas I came up with was either Pirates or the Jungle Cruise but both would be hard to do right. Lou had a better idea. He suggested putting an imagination themed dining location in the glass pyramid / second floor of the imagination pavilion.

Now think about that for a minute. Imagine the Monorail driving by, the lights at night, the great views, and if angled correctly – Illuminations viewing. I don’t doubt for a minute that this would become one of the most difficult places to get and ADR in all of Disney World. I’d even go as far as to suggest that it should be high end dining and two table service credits on the dining plan. You can do that because people would pay it.

Now I’ll take his idea a couple steps further. For lunch make it a character dining experience with Figment and friends. Do tricks with the food. Top Chef does a challenge where you make one food look like something else. That would fit perfectly here. Imagine eating something that looks like a cucumber but it’s really colored and formed mash potatoes. Stuff like that. Also make a lot of food funky colors like normal wheat bread that has been colored blue with food coloring or a cheese bisque that has been colored to look like split pea soup. This would really take that imagination idea to the next level.

Ok maybe I just hijacked Lou’s idea but I still give him props for coming up with one of the best Disney related ideas I’ve heard in quite a while.

Endeavor – Disney Pirate Lair

Just when you thought Disney had done everything it could to tell the average Joe that he wasn’t important, they went and announced “Golden Oaks.”

To be honest I was offended when I heard Disney was building a development for the uber rich. If Walt was alive he’d be fuming mad right now. Was it just me or didn’t he want Disney World to be for families and a place everyone could enjoy? I didn’t think he wanted it as playground for the rich.

I’ve come up with a way to ruin Disney’s plan. It’s a rather simple plan – A hundred or so of us pool our money, buy one of the homes, and make it a giant pirate lair.

Have you ever had a bad neighbor? We’d redefine what a bad neighbor is. Pirates don’t cut the lawn. They pass out in the yard. They keep random livestock. They brew grog in the back yard. They have noisy parties all night long. You also have to remember – Pirates have cannons.

Let’s see how long property values stay steady when we set the cannon off every morning when the sun rises.

Don’t think of this a waste of money. This would be an investment. We’d sell tickets for the parties to vacationers. We’d also sell tickets during the day just to tour an actual pirate lair. We’d also pillage the nearby homes after they are abandoned because of our shenanigans.

So let’s recap – Disturbing the peace, corrupting the public, theft, destruction of property, public drunkenness, and keeping livestock in a residential area. I think Walt would approve!

New Video: Pirates of the Caribbean

A video of Pirates of the Caribbean has been posted on YouTube. This video was taken in March of 2010. The original video was in 1080p. You'll notice that the smoke screen video at the start of the ride was broken when we were on this. A few days later it was working again.

This is the Walt Disney World version which puts the video under six minutes once I edited it.

I filmed this without using a view finder so the quality isn't fantastic but it's far better than what my old camera could do.

The video can be viewed here.

What Not To Do In Disney World

Seems like all we every hear about is what you should do in Disney. What rides are good, what dining locations are good, where to find characters, and so on. I want to mix things up. I thought I'd warn people about things they should avoid at all costs. I will warn you that these items are the result of actual events. I really wish that was a joke...

Don't feel up Minnie Mouse or any other character: Yes you will get removed from the parks but that's not all. The last guy who felt up Minnie Mouse got arrested and convicted.

No touchy, touchy in the wave pools: This should really be common sense. However, it's happened. If it's your spouse or other close person save it for the bedroom. If you don't know the person don't do it. A man was arrested and convicted because he "accidently" touched some people in the wave pool.

Don't punch the characters: Another one that should be common sense. Sadly it has happened. In fact one character punched back. I don't blame him. I think I'd take my head off and beat the guy with it.

Don't dump ANYTHING in the water on the water rides: In the worst example I've heard of (not sure if it's an urban legend) someone dumped a relatives ashes into the water in pirates. In Florida ashes are considered a bio hazard. They had to close the ride, drain the water, and sanatize the track.

Don't do it they can see you: If you are in Disney World you are on camera. Keep that in mind before you pick your nose, butt, scratch your privates, spit, go at it with a girlfriend on a dark ride, or any other shenanigans.

Don't drink too much alcohol: Booze and rides are not a good combo but an even worse combo is alcohol and the hot Florida weather. People will laugh at you if you pass out and need to be taken to first aide.

Don't flash on the ride photos: Yes Disney did away with the people who review the ride photos but that doesn't mean it's ok to flash. You'll just upset all the parents who are trying to have fun with their kids. Although there are two groups who will thank you - perverts and teenage boys.

That is the short list. I think you get the point. If there are any others you'd like to see, go ahead and post them in the comments.

Disney to Offer New Childcare Program

Disney currently offers childcare for parents who want to go out to dinner or enjoy some other distraction without having their rug rats hanging all over them. The childcare is rather expensive but its an in depth program full of activities. However, due to complaints about the price Disney has developed a new program for cheap parents.

“The first thing we had to do was lower the overhead. Our current program included snacks, movies, and multiple cast members. We had to reduce that to get the price lower,” stated Brer Fox, the head of child services in WDW.

To reduce the overhead the new program will have only one employee per 100 kids. In a typical childcare setting that would be considered a gross understaffing. It’s impossible for one employee to keep track of 100 kids in a typical setting. To further reduce overhead all snacks and entertainment have also been drastically cut.

How can you keep kids happy with next to no food and little entertainment? The answer may surprise you. Everything comes down to environment.

“We are recreating the jail scene in Pirates. Each child will be put in a jail cell which is themed to an old Spanish fort. The will be give one cup of gruel for a snack. Entertainment will be an Old English Sheepdog who has been trained to pace around with a ring of keys in his mouth. They kids will be told they need to try and entice the dog, just like in the movies and the ride,” explained Brer Fox.

The environment is expected distract the kids for hours. Any children who complain or try to escape will be gagged, chained, and called a naughty buccaneer.

The existing program will still exist for children who care about their children. The new program is projected to cost half as much as the traditional childcare program but the price may be adjusted based to popularity and season.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Strange Tides

I loved the first pirates film. I think most people would agree that it was the best of the three movies. The second pirates film was entertaining but it went a little nuts as far as the story went. The third pirates film was crap. I hated it. It had a few funny parts but it was mostly bizarre and more of a fantasy film than an action film.

It’s official. There is going to be a pirates four entitled “On Strange Tides.” I’m not excited at all. After the last two films there is nothing that would lead me to believe this movie will be good. I think the use of the term “strange” will be fitting. The last two movies were so strange they led me to think they were having an identity crisis and couldn’t figure out what they wanted to be.

Right now we know very little about the movie. We know that the basic idea is Sparrow vs. Barbosa with a female pirate who eggs them on. We also know Orlando Bloom will not be returning so the whole “Flying Dutchman” story should be gone.

Joining Orlando on the not returning list is Keira Knightley (there goes my interest in the movie). She had a good character. She was nice and balanced. I can’t imagine what the new female character is going to be like. If it’s anything like Calypso I’ll be avoiding this movie.

My hope is that Disney will hire a writer who will try and redirect the series back to a pirate movie and away from the unexplainable mess it’s become. What made the first one so good was the fact that you could relate to a lot of the things in it. It felt like a good old pirate action movie with treasure, sword fighting, sea battles, and grog swilling scoundrels.

My fear is we’ll see more sea monsters, magic, gods, demented afterlife’s, a heart in a box that are still beating, an army of undead, special effects gone crazy, and a guy with an octopus face. I think I’ll be able to tell by the trailers alone if this is going to be a movie I wan to see.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Academy Video Has Been Posted

I have posted the video of the Captain Jack Sparrow Pirate Academy.

This is a funny show that took place near Pirates of the Caribbean in Adventure Land in the Magic Kingdom. I’m not sure if this show is still going on.

The video was taken in December 2008 and can be viewed HERE.

Pirate Arrested for Urinating in Public

An audio-animatronic pirate who works on the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction in Walt Disney World was arrested yesterday afternoon after he was caught urinating into the attractions water.

“It appears the pirate has a drinking problem. We found piles of bottles around him and every time we asked him a question he responded “It’s plunder we be seeking!”” stated an Orange County police man who responded to the scene.

It appears that the pirate has been regularly relieving himself into the attraction water but people thought it was the bilge pump for the pirate ship. After all Disney is known for its attention to detail.

The pirate was caught when a member of the Disney Community whose last name can be used as a greeting or a curse word, noticed the “new detail.” He approached a cast member and was informed that there had been no recent updates to the attraction. A supervisor checked the security camera footage and caught the pirate and then called the authorities.

The pirate was released on $500 personal recognizance bail and has entered a rehab program. When contacted for comment the pirate stated “It’s plunder we be seeking!”

The pirate’s lawyer, a fellow audio animatronic pirate, was also contacted. He responded “We wants the redhead!” to all of our questions.

How to get Banned for Life and Possibly Arrested in Disney World

All of us have had that little voice go off in our heads. The voice that tries to get you to do so something you shouldn’t. Almost everyone is able to control that voice. What if you didn’t? What if you listened to that voice? There are many things that kids and adults alike would try if they let the voice rule. Here are just a few:

1 – Dress like a pirate, pretend to be an audioanimatronic, hide in Pirates, and moon the boats as they go by. Results: This one would get you kicked out faster then you can blink. You’d probably get banned from the parks. I don’t think you’d get arrested but I could be wrong.

2 – Dine with the ghosts in the Haunted Mansion. Lou Mongello would take a life to be able to do this. I always thought it would be funny to sit in one of the chairs with my feet on the table while eating a big sandwich. Results: Absolutely kicked out, maybe banned, maybe arrested.

3 – Kiss a face character. You’d have to have some gall to attempt this one. I feel bad for the face characters to begin with. They have to work so much harder than the normal characters. Normal characters can make faces, stick their tongue out, and maybe mutter softly if someone annoys them. Face characters have no such luxury. Most guys (and probably some women) have thought about this briefly. Results: Kicked out, most likely banned, arrested, and possibly a restraining order. However, if you are attractive, none of the above, you might end up with a phone number (I do not condone attempting this even if you are good looking).

4 – Go swimming in the Rivers of America. What could be better on a hot day? It’s very tempting. Results: Kicked out, maybe banned, and possible serious illness. Why is the last one in there? Do you know how nasty that water probably is? My wife has a term for it. It’s called chucky water.

5 – Hide out and try to stay in the parks after closing. Who hasn’t thought about this ever since Mike Scopa wrote his factious article about falling asleep and waking up after the park has closed, tons of people have tried to figure out how to pull it off. Results: Removed from the parks. My guess is that’s it.

6 – Steal a costume and run around the parks. Ok this would be fun on a cool day. You could really mess with people in a fun way. I wouldn’t be mean or anything but I’d have some fun. Results: Kicked Out, Banned for Life, most likely arrested.

7 – Take a nap on the bed in the Swiss Family Tree House. Other than all of the people staring at you this would be great. What a perfect place to take a nap, great view, breezy, pleasant surroundings. Results: Maybe kicked out unless the cast member was nice.

8 – Sneak into the castle and ride down the zip line. How fun would that be? I guess it’s a mix up considering I don’t know where it ends. Results: Kicked out, banned for life, and chance of serious injury or death. The person who plays Tinker Bell has to weigh under 100 pounds to do the zip line. I’m guessing when you are over 200 the results could be bad.

9 – Start a food fight at one of the buffets. There’s nothing like a good old food fight. Imagine a few hundred people at the Crystal Palace going nuts. Results: If no one knows who started it – nothing. If you get caught you’ll get kicked out but I don’t think you’d get banned for life.

10 – Ride the Tower of Terror, skip the line for every ride, and claim it’s for a medical condition. Then throw a massive, profanity filled, fit when confronted. Results: Banned for Life. I know this because someone tried it.

It Got a Flat Tire so We Bought a New Car.

Through the years there has been a lot of protests over rides that Disney has decided to remove / close / replace. In each case the hard feelings normally boiled down to the fact that people felt like a piece of their childhood or young adulthood was been erased. When you look beyond that there are some rides that really make you wonder why they were shelved while others remained. In many cases these rides were either unique, ground breaking, or victims of circumstance. Here are the ones that I want to see again:


ExtraTERROResital Alien Encounter: This ride was intense. It was the most Un-Disney ride Disney ever built. It has as many rabid fans as it does sworn enemies. The problem with this ride was it was opened in the Magic Kingdom with only a height requirement. Too many young children were allowed on this attraction. When you think about it this attraction was a PG-13 borderline R attraction. I say that because you got sprayed with water to simulate someone getting torn apart above you and it was beyond frightening for children. If Disney had opened this in DHS with an age requirement or actual rating I think it would still be around today. Too many dumb parents ignored the warning at the entrance and dragged their kids on this ride.


Horizons: I was fascinated by this ride as a child. It’s the first ride I can remember that had an interactive ending. I rode it over and over so I could see all of the endings. I’ve ridden Mission Space (Horizons replacement) once. It was good but I don’t think I’d ride it more than once a visit. I consider myself fortunate that I rode this ride just before it closed. There are a lot of rumors as to why Horizons bit the dust. Some say that the building had a sinkhole developing under it. Some said it would have been too expensive to overhaul. Others say that Disney couldn’t find a sponsor for it. I tend to believe the last one. Disney always puts money ahead of its guests, they just mask it well.


Mr. Toads Wild Ride: Ok this isn’t on the level of others but I have two reasons why it should have stayed. It was the only ride ever in which you died and went to hell. That makes it beyond unique. Here is my other reason. You replaced it with crap. I’m sorry but at its best the Pooh ride breaks even with Mr. Toad. If you’re going to replace a classic it better be an improvement.

The World of Motion: The song was great, the scenes were funny, and it was a classic Disney experience. Granted the World of Motion was getting old but that’s not an excuse. There are a lot of rides that are far older that are still around. According to many, GM is responsible for the death of this ride. It was time to re-sign and they wanted something new and flashy. Because they had the money, Disney was more than happy to jump on that band wagon. What we got as a replacement isthe most over hyped, over rated, attraction in Disney history.

The original Pirates: I like the new Pirates. I think they were some great additions that improved the ride. What runined those improvements is the fact that Disney knocked the teeth out of Pirates. They made it so PC that it’s just not funny anymore. Face it. It’s only a matter of time before the fat lady in the “take home a wench” scene is replaced and the sign is changed to say "Marry a Maid". Everything else that was funny was removed to avoid offending anyone. Like the fat lady chasing the pirate. That was classic!

We Need to be PC Because It’s PC to be PC

Anyone notice how rabid Disney is about being PC? Over the last 30 years Disney has gone off the deep end. Remember the genius that created Disney? Some guy named Walt? He wasn’t very PC. He was a visionary and an entertainer. Those two things seldom are PC. If you do not know what I am talking about consider this. Walt was responsible for Song of the South (enough said), a pirate chasing after an underage girl, a fat lady chasing a pirate, and a mouse that often abused animals in his early films.

Here is where Disney has gone a little crazy:

Did you know Indiana Jones fought the Red Cross? If you don’t know what I am talking about look at the plane in the Indiana Jones stunt show at DHS. The plane has red crosses on it. The symbol looks like the American Red Cross logo. I don’t know when this changed but it’s been in the last ten years. I have a picture of that same plane with a swastika on it. You’re portraying the Nazis as bad guys. I think it’s ok to blow up a plane with a swastika on it. I actually think that’s better than blowing up a plane owned by the American Red Cross.

Splash Mountain: So it’s less offensive to have a fat frog imitate the African American that originally narrated the story than the actual African American? Ok Uncle Remus was a racist character (not the character but the way he was portrayed) so replace him with another character from the film not a fat frog that sounds like him. In some ways that’s more offensive.

Snow White and the Seven Little People. That sounds funny but I’ve seen stuff online that suggests that a discussion like that took place. Even beyond that a discussion occurred about whether Dopey should be seen in the parks and if his mine carts should be removed from the ride. Excuse me! Most kids don’t know what "dopey" is. No one has used that term in 20 years. It’s not like he’s named retard, stupid, or nitwit. Although nitwit might be ok. I think that’s another term that’s dropped out of the American vocabulary.

Donald Duck – America’s Favorite Nudist. Disney has discussed putting pants on Donald Duck. I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing. How insane is that? Did someone forget he’s a duck? The fact that his wardrobe was more of consideration than his speech impediment fries my noodle.