The Animal Kingdom

I’ve heard some people claim that Disney’s Animal Kingdom is awful and that they just avoid it. Most of them feel that it’s just not “Disney” enough. Please give me a minute to find some cheese to go with your whine. I first went to Animal Kingdom the year Countdown to Extinction (now called Dinosaur) opened. I loved it. If you do not want to eat it’s a great park. It’s by far the best zoo I’ve ever been to. Oh sorry I forgot it’s not a zoo…I guess that’s why it’s accredited by the zoo people…go figure. I will admit that there is an excessive amount of junk in this park but the parts they didn’t cut corners on are nice.

Here is the good and the bad of Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

The Good:

1 – Expedition Everest: This is a great roller coaster even if you don’t like roller coasters. The only negative I’ve run into is motion sickness. I don’t have a problem with it but my wife cannot go on this more than once because of the part where it goes in reverse. One other drawback is the fact that the yeti is busted you don’t get to see him move anymore.

2 – The Safari: It’s long, it’s different, and you will see a ton of different animals. Some of the animals get very close. Sometimes the truck has to stop until an animal moves out of the way.

3 – The “Jungle Treks”: These are well designed. You get to see an amazing variety of animals. The ones that stand out the most are the mountain gorillas, the tigers, and the flying foxes. Some people think the flying foxes are creepy and gross. I like them. I’d like to have one as a pet although I really doubt they make good pets.

4 – The Tree of Life: Some people hate this icon. Others love it. I like it because of the attention to detail that went into it. It’s sheer size and the number of animals carved into it make it worth seeing.

The Bad:

1 – Dino Land: I hate this land. Everything around that awful dino roller coaster is ugly and needs to be flushed down the toilet.

2 – Yak and Yeti: Please, someone fix the food here. It’s just awful.

3 – Kali River Rapids: The two big problems with this ride are; the fact that it’s about two seconds long and you don’t just get wet you get soaked to the bone. Even if you wear a poncho you still get soaked. I don’t mind getting wet but what happens to you on this ride is excessive.

4 – It’s Tough to be a Bug: This should be a fun, upbeat 3D movie. It’s not. I don’t mind this attraction but I can understand why people don’t like it. This movie scares the young children to the point of hysteria. There is also a certain part where you get punched in the spine. That’s always fun.

Rides I’ve Never Been On

I’ve been on a majority of the rides in Disney World. However there are a few I have not been on that might surprise people. Some are oblivious like the Goofy roller coaster but here are the oddball ones starting with the most surprising:

Fantasmic – Yes I’ve never been on fantasmic. I hear it’s amazing. It probably is. The only problem is you have to line up for almost an hour in advance. That added to the fact that it’s only open a couple of nights a week will keep me away. Len Testa’s number crunchers, statistical programs, and his trusty abacus have shown that crowd levels rise on Fantasmic days. I really don’t want anything to do with bigger crowds. If you think I’m kidding check out his site www.touringplans.com

The Liberty Belle - In all my trips to Disney I’ve never been on the steam boat. I have no idea why. I don’t even know what it’s like. I really need to ride this thing next time just to say I’ve been on it. I don’t even have a good excuse. It’s not like the line is huge for it or you have to wait forever.

Turtle Talk with Crush – Ok I never even considered this one to be an option. I figured it would be annoying and packed with kids. On a recent WDW Today podcast Matt Hochberg stated that it was his favorite ride in Epcot. That could be a number of things. Matt is mentally ill, Matt is the kid in the famous “I Like Turtles” video, or I’m totally wrong and need to get my butt over to Epcot. I’m really hoping the latter is the accurate statement.

The New Movie in China – I wanted to see this one. My wife talked me out of it. She couldn’t understand why I wanted to see the movie in France, The American Adventure, and China so I missed all of them on my last trip L. I got her into the Canadian movie but that’s because it was pouring. Next time I’m buying her a date at the spa so I can do all the stuff I missed. I can say that because she doesn’t read my blog…how sad is that? I can’t even get my wife to read this.

Disney’s Untapped Asset

Most people are under the impression that Disney has found a way to generate income from nearly every asset they have. However, that belief is incorrect. There is one asset that Disney has not attempted to profit from. If you are wondering what it is let me give you a hint; chances are you’ve been a part of that asset at one time or another. Everyone who has every entered a Disney property has.

Give up?

Disney has more security camera’s than I can even imagine. You can imagine what Disney has caught on video over the last thirty years. There is a good chance that years of video are recorded and kept on file for legal reasons. With a simple tweak to the disclosure on the ticket, Disney could tap a gold mine.

We’ve all see the videos on the “Caught on Tape” shows on TV. Imagine all the people whose pants have fallen down while doing an unofficial marathon. Imagine all the people who have picked their noses on the dark rides because they didn’t know they were on an infrared camera. Imagine all of the funny outfits people have worn at the parks. It’s gold! I’d buy the DVD of the “Worlds” Worst Dressed people.

Disney could also do a video of all the soccer moms who got pushed over the edge after a long day in the parks and started swinging or the dad who’s been turned into a pack mule and has a kid over each shoulder, a fanny pack, back pack, camera bag, and souvenirs tied to his belt.

When you think about it there are so many options. Of course Disney would stay family friendly and not show all of the ride pictures and videos of people doing naughty things. Big surprise, a number of those has already been leaked onto the internet but Disney doesn’t need to descend to that to make a big profit.

I think the biggest money maker would be the outtakes - videos of the character walking into a wall or door because they couldn’t see clearly. The videos of a character bending over and their head falling off would be classic too. I can’t forget to mention all of the crotch shots. You can’t have an outtakes video without a crotch shot montage.

Girl Power!

Disney has always tried to have strong female characters in its movies. Generations of girls have grown up watching a plethora of different heroines. There is one place in regards to this that Disney has come up a little short. That place is when you consider video games. Can anyone think of decent video game that included the Disney Heroines?

There is a simple fix for this. It would be revolutionary game that on one has attempted. Take very major Disney Heroine from Snow White to Hannah Montana and put them in a FPS (first person shooter). Each heroine would have their own stage. You have to fight your way through each stage (with the exception of the heroine you chose) by shooting that heroine’s minions. For example in snow white’s stage you’d be fighting your way past her forest friends and the seven dwarfs. At the end of stage you’d take on Snow White herself in a classic boss battle.

As we all know, Disney heroines do not shoot each other with guns. That’s why each boss battle is not done in a FPS format. It will convert into a classic fighting game format that would be like Street Fighter or Tekken.

Another thing that we need to discuss is the fact that this is not going to be a typical shooter. It doesn’t need to be violent and people don’t need to die. If you want that go play something else. There are enough of those games to last you a life time. This would be more tongue and cheek kind of shooter. For example there would be some fun weapons that everyone could use like snow balls, broom sticks, water balloons, and stuff like that. Then each heroine would have her own individual weapon. Cinderella would throw glass slippers, Alice would throw mushrooms, Marry Poppins would have her umbrella, and Minnie would throw her classic hair bows like ninja stars.

I think that would be a fun, although demented game for kids. You’d even get adults playing that. Adding a multi player feature would be fun too. You could add a co-op mode and a vs. mode. You could waste a lot of time on a game like that.

The Wow Factor

Disney has tried to incorporate a main symbol that is supposed to wow people in every park. In the Magic Kingdom it is the castle, in Epcot it is Spaceship Earth, in Animal Kingdom it is the Tree of Life, and in Disney Hollywood Studios it is the Wizard Hat.

Disney also incorporates attractions it hopes will do the same thing. Expedition Everest, Splash Mountain, and the Tower of Terror are good examples of those.

Some times Disney achieves their goal. Sometimes they fall flat on their face. Most people say that the castle provides the wow factor. Some people even break down and cry when they see it. I really wish I was kidding. Walk down Main Street USA and you’ll see them. The castle isn’t bad but I wouldn’t put it on top.

I thought I’d break down some of the wow factors in Disney World just for Kicks.

1 - Spaceship Earth at Night. This one easily tops my list. The way they light up Spaceship Earth is just amazing. This is the only one that really gives me chills.

2 - The Cinderella’s Castle an night during the Christmas season. Ok let me just say that I am not a fan of Christmas decorations. The main reason is that they tend to get in the way and they are EVERYWHERE! The only exception of when Disney doesn’t overdo it is with Cinderella’s Castle.

3 - The standard Cinderella’s Castle. This one is a classic. Most people who visit Disney take a picture of it every time they go to the Magic Kingdom.

4 - Spaceship Earth during the day. It’s big, it’s white, and it’s cool looking. To get the best wow factor ride the monorail for the TTC to Epcot.

5 - The Haunted Mansion – The attention to detail that went into the Haunted Mansion is mind boggling. You hear this attraction before you see it. The howling dog is a classic sound. The outside is a perfect fit for what should be a haunted mansion.

6 - Splash Mountain – By itself it shouldn’t rank this high. What really makes Splash Mountain a “wow” is how it’s built into the park. The two bridges from which you can view the shoot are places you could sit and just watch people scream their brains out. It doesn’t really get old.

7 - The Tree of Life – The Tree of Life is a unique “wow.” I think it’s the only one that gets more amazing the closer you get. From a distance it’s cool looking. As you get closer the details start to come out. You get a sense for its size and you start to make out the shape of the animals. When you’re on top of it you see the stunning detail of every animal. You could blow rolls of film just on the carvings. Well I guess you could if you have a film camera. Wow, who still owns a film camera?

8 - The Tower of Terror – The Tower of Terror isn’t really an awe inspiring building by itself. However, Take that building and put it at the end of a long flat street and add the sound of people screaming as you walk towards it…now you have something. I’ve taken some good pictures of the Tower. The best one was from the queue. There is a great spot that you can shoot the sign through the trees. To really push a picture of this over the edge, convert it to black and white. This and the Haunted Mansion look amazing in Black and White.

Those are just a few. However, you may notice that I did not mention the wizard hat. That’s because it’s never amazed me. I think the Chinese Theater was far more impressive than the hat. The hat has too much stuff around it. You can never get a good picture of it. Even if you did it really lacks what the other symbols have. Don’t ask me what “it” is. I just know it doesn’t have “it.”

The Tower of Terror Cover-up!

People may or may not have noticed but Disney changed the restraint system on the Tower of Terror since it was first opened. Back in the day all you had was a bar that you pulled towards you. The only seat with a belt was the seat in the middle. If you ride the Tower of Terror now you’ll notice that everyone has a seat belt.

I miss the bar. You could get a great ride with the bar. Most of the time it barely held you in place and you had to hold onto it to keep from hitting the ceiling of the cart.

Why did Disney have to take the bar away!?!

The following is a true story. It is not embellished. I’m the first one to admit when I’m joking around.

In 1995 my father, brother in-law, sister, and friend rode the Tower of Terror together. A solo rider was against the wall, then my friend, sister, brother in law in the middle, and my dad was the first person on the other side of the cart. Next to my dad were two Asian men.

Years ago my dad earned the nickname “Big Guy.” He’s a “large” fellow.

Imagine two thin Asian men pulling the bar towards them. Now imagine their faces as the bar hits a large stomach and will come no closer. Imagine the panic as the doors to the elevator start to close and there is a good foot gap between the safety bar their laps. Urgently they talk to each other in a non-English dialect and point at the gap and then to my father. In desperation they try pulling on the bar again to no avail!

Those two guys got the ride of their lives.

I bet you’ve never seen whiter knuckles in your life.

I wish my dad had bought the picture. I’d also pay good money to see the security camera footage of that entire ride.

Here is my speculation (aka totally fictions story) on the aftermath.

Two Asian men pay a visit to guest relations at Disney Hollywood Studios. The cast member working there does there best to keep them calm as they wait for a translator. The translator relays that a monster has been spotted in the park and was just on the Tower of Terror. In fact, that monster nearly killed them!

Of course, since this makes no sense, the translator asks some questions. Come to find out a monster isn’t really in the park it’s just someone who they deem as being larger than a monster is in the park.

The story is successfully relayed and the cast member working in guest relations starts laughing uncontrollably and has to be terminated for offending the two Asian men.

The story spreads from cast member to cast member until it reaches the cast member running security at the Tower of Terror. That cast member quickly pulls the security footage of the event. When he stops laughing he shows his supervisor. When the supervisor regains consciousness (he passed out from laughing too hard) he determines that the tape needs to be destroyed because of possible liability.

The terminated employee from guest relations and the translator are captured and put to work in the secret limestone mine hidden under the Magic Kingdom. They are never heard from again.

The supervisor from the Tower of Terror slips a lethal does or painkillers into his subordinates Yoohoo, after that employee destroys the footage. The supervisor then recommends to the legal department that the bars be replaced with seat belts. The legal department thinks it’s a great idea and recommends the supervisor for a promotion for thinking outside of the box and trying to reduce Disney’s potential liability.

The two Asian men return home and seek legal counsel. When no evidence is found they are branded as liars and live out their lives in shame.

Now you know why the bars on the Tower of Terror were replaced with seat belts.

It’s Prime Time

When eating in a theme park my expectations are low. However, my expectations change a little based on the park. If I’m in Epcot I have high expectations. If I’m in Animal Kingdom I expect airline food. If I’m in the Magic Kingdom I don’t expect much. DHS is an odd ball. You get both extremes. Everyone has told me that the Brown Derby is great. It’s also very expensive and cost two table service credits on the dining plan. Maybe next time I go, I’ll check it out. The Sci-Fi Diner is puke on a plate. It’s a classic example of great atmosphere not over coming awful food. The final sit down experience is the Prime Time Café.

The Prime Time Café is a great little restaurant. When you walk in you smile. It’s like stepping into a 1950’s sitcom. I’ve been told all of the decorations are authentic. If that’s true it must have taken the imagineers years to collect that much 1950’s era swag. Throughout the restaurant they are also playing old school sitcoms on numerous TVs. Some of these are amazingly obscure. They were playing some I’d never even heard of.

The food isn’t bad. That might not sound very positive but for a theme park the food is above average. It’s real Americana fare. Things like meat loaf and other kitchen table favorites make up a majority of the choices. There are also some spin offs that are amazing. For instance, take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and turn it into a milk shake. That might sound nasty at first but it’s is unbelievable. It must have about 4000 calories in it but you’ll love every last one of them.

The service is fun. Even a bad server here can be fun. The whole idea is that you are a family member that’s been invited over for dinner. A lot of the servers play that up. For example – you better clean your plate. God help you if you don’t. Remember to keep your elbows off of the table too. You might have to take the trash out if you don’t. I’m not kidding. They’ll make you get up and take the trash out or sweep the floor if you misbehave.
In the end, the Prime Time Café is a great family restaurant and worth visiting next time you hit DHS.

How to Fix D23

A lot of people went nuts when D23 was announced. I can understand why. I already threw my two cents out there about why I wasn’t thrilled about D23.

The fact is until Disney pulls the plug on it, D23 is going to be in our faces.

So, how can you make it more palatable to the average online Disney fan? It’s not that hard. With a few tweaks D23 could be a huge cash cow:

Bronze Membership – Create a base membership that anyone can join by providing a little information. By joining you would get access to the website, merchandise, and get your base membership certificate.

Silver Membership – For the $75 fee you get the magazine, a D23 tee shirt, and a D23 lapel pin.

Gold Membership – For an additional fee you get access all of the above plus access to exclusive member functions and a 10% discount at all retail locations.

Platinum Membership – For another hike in fee you get all of the above plus access to a private club inside the Magic Kingdom and Disney Land and free admission to the party of your choice i.e. Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party.

To Infinity and Beyond Membership – This is a life long membership to D23. It includes all of the above plus a high quality membership plaque and an animation cell from a Disney movie.

I think this would have been a much better approach. It would have allowed everyone to join. Even the people who have lost their jobs, their homes, and life has really kicked them in the shins would be able to be a member. I also think this would have been much more profitable. Even the people joining at the base level would be profitable. You know that a number of them are going to buy some merchandise. One last thing Disney could do as a piece offering and to really foster a community spirit would be to have a links page where Disney could provide access to community websites. I know that would never happen because some of those sites offer criticism as times but I think Disney is a big boy and can take it.

Meet and Greet areas are EVIL!

When I was a kid there was no such thing as Pixie Hollow or any of those other character meet and greet areas. Back then everything was spontaneous. You could turn the corner and run into a character. The characters didn’t even have handlers. Over time, people decided that wasn’t enough. They didn’t want a surprise. They wanted to know where and when they could see their favorite character. Thus the meet and greet areas were invented.

Hurry up everyone! We need to get to Pixie Hollow so we can wait an hour to see Tinker Bell!

How is that fun? You want me to stand in line for an hour with a bunch of grumpy kids and fanatic adults to have my picture taken with Goofy? Granted there are still a few places you might run into a character but they are rare. Most places are designated and even have a marker so you know where and when you can find someone. It’s just not the same. It really kills the moment. The only thing that is still in existence that is somewhat like the old character encounter is when a character is waiting at the end of a ride.

I understand that one of the big reasons the characters are scheduled is to aide in crowd control. More and more people are cramming into the parks and you’d have a mob if there wasn’t some kind of crowd control. I guess it’s like fast pass a necessary evil. I don’t like the idea of fast pass but without it I would have never ridden Toy Story Midway Mania and Test Track.
All considered, the meet and greet areas are a big reason why I didn’t have a single picture taken with a character on my last trip. I’d just feel like a freak waiting in a big line to get my picture taken with a character.

Mickey’s MMA Festival

For some unknown reason mixed martial arts keeps gaining in popularity. I don’t like MMA but I think it’s time for Disney to do what Disney does. Take a fad and try to make some money off of it.

First things first, Disney is family friendly so you can’t have MMA fighters mauling each other in the Magic Kingdom. That would just ruin the family friendly environment. If you can’t do MMA fighters you need to do the next best thing – use characters. You could have the first ever Mickey’s MMA Festival!

Match #1 – Grumpy vs. Doc: Let’s face it Grumpy has a chip on his shoulder and I think it’s from being bossed around by Doc for years. Doc has always has always thought the Grumpy’s attitude stinks. It’s time to settle things!

Match #2 – Donald Duck vs. Scrooge McDuck: Donald took it personally when Scrooge wrote him out of his will. He’s going to beat the money out of him now.

Match #3 – Heuey vs. Dewey vs. Louie: For years they’ve been beating the snot out of each other behind the scenes. You may not know this but they are part Irish, like to drink, and then start swinging at each other. It’s only natural they finally beat each other up legally.

Match #4 – Ariel vs. Tinker Bell: This is a match for the “Best Kinda Human Female” title. Half fish vs. a fairy. How can you go wrong?

Match #5 – Sleeping Beauty vs. Cinderella: This is a grudge match and for the title of “Top Princess.” These two hate each other so much they have requested this be a table / ladder match inside of a steel cage which is electrified and lined with barb wire.

Match #6 – Mike vs. Roz: Mike got so sick of Roz giving him such a hard time that he finally snapped and demand an MMA match. Mike’s an idiot. This one will be over in less then 60 seconds.

Match #7 – Belle vs. Beast: In public they seem like a loving couple. In private it’s another story. After years of domestic disputes, three separations, and two restraining orders, these two will be climbing into the octagon to settle their differences.

Match #8 – The Tiki Room – A Battle Royal: Did you think everything would be all fun and games after you locked over twenty birds in a room for thirty years and then changed the management without informing the prior management first? Get the turkey leg cart ready for action. It would be a shame to waste the results of this match.

Match #9 - Minnie vs. Pluto: Mouse’s best friend vs. Mouse’s girl friend. This is a newspaper match. That means rolled up newspapers are not only allowed but encouraged.

The Main Event – Mickey vs. Goofy: Is anyone surprised by this? This is for the “King of Disney World” title. Look for Goofy to try to use his large reach to his advantage. Also look for Mickey to use Goofy’s long lanky legs to his advantage by take downs and then implementing some kind of submission hold.

American Idol is in Disney World! Great…

I am very neutral about American Idol. I watch the train wrecks at the beginning and shut it off as soon as it hits Hollywood.

When I heard that American Idol was going to be at DHS I got a little confused. Why is a Fox show getting an attraction at a them park who’s parent company owns ABC? There must be some explanation. I’m sure it’s about as interesting as watching paint dry too. I really don’t care about what shenanigans took place for it to happen, I’m just happy it did. Why would I care if I don’t really watch the show? I like rides / attractions that can hold hundreds of people. The reason is simple too. Attractions like the pull people away from the rides I want to go on allowing me to spend less time in line. You won’t find me anywhere near that attraction unless I’m really bored, I’m really tired, or It’s really hot out.

Some people say that you just have to go because there is a chance that you might see the next American Idol before they even make it on the show. Whoop dee doo! I can’t name the people who have won the show. I know a few. Kelly “I Hate Men” Clarkson, the guy who looks like Fat Albert (I miss Fat Albert. That was a great cartoon), There is the girl who sings about wrecking some guys car. Fantasia – I know her first name and that’s it. There’s dude with the grey hair. There is a David. I only know that because it was between two guys named David and because there was a really funny YouTube video of a bunch of girls flipping out because their David didn’t win. Umm…there must be someone else…I know the “She Bangs” guy didn’t win. Didn’t one of the Seven Dwarfs win? I hear Sleepy has a killer voice. Oh wait he’s too old.

Now that I think of it there is a way to get me in that theater. Have the battle of the Disney stars. Do an American Idol show with Marry Poppins, Ariel, the Seven Dwarfs, Sebastian the Crab, and any other character that’s sung a song in a Disney Film. That would be fun. My money is on Marry Poppins. I hear she carries around a homemade shank in her magical purse. You don’t mess with someone like that and you’d either vote for her or stay in a public place at all times unless you want to be found face down in Bay Lake.

Don’t Forget the Gold Bond!

If you’re going to Disney for the first time, be prepared to walk you butt off. I’ve heard that on average you walk about ten miles a day. For me it wasn’t a big problem. I like to hike a lot over some brutal terrain so ten flat miles was no problem. For people who don’t walk a lot this could be a serious problem.

Here are some tips that can be invaluable:

Gold Bond – your feet need it! It will help combat moisture that can lead to serious blisters and hot spots. Dry feet are happy feet. Gold Bond also needs to go somewhere else. If you’re a man or a woman the inside your legs can rub in a humid environment. Once that area is sore you’re going to be ugly. Don’t chance it make sure your happy bits are protected. If you don’t buy Gold Bond any of the medicated powders work. On my last trip I used Anti-Monkey Butt powder. I’m not kidding it’s a real product. It has a baboon on the front of it.

Take a break - If you feet are sore take a ten minute break. Just getting off of your feet for a few minutes can allow your feet to recover enough to go another few hours. Those ten minutes are not wasted. You’ll waste a lot more than ten minutes if you push it too far.

Advil – Advil reduces swelling. If your feet are starting to feel sore don’t wait until you think you need to take something, take it at the first sign. Keep in mind that Advil works because it’s a blood thinner. That could be very dangerous for some people. For everyone else it can be a vacation saver.

Take your time - There is no need to power walk all over the place. You and your feet will be happier if you just walk normally. Even if you make it onto one more ride by power walking all day what is the cost? How are you going to feel the next day?

Keep hydrated and eat something – Dehydration is one of the most miserable things you can go through. It will ruin your vacation. Do not wait until you are thirsty by that time if could be too late. A trip to the bathroom is better than a trip to first aide or the hospital. I am not kidding. Every year vacationers end up in the emergency room because of dehydration. Eating is also important. Nothing will sap your energy more than low blood sugar. If it’s hot eating becomes even more important. Why? I was hiking once in June. We were hiking across snow fields. Even so I was sweating a lot. I was drinking a lot too. It’s safe to say that I was keeping up with what I was sweating out. The problem was I wasn’t eating. I perspired all of the salt out of my body. When you do that it doesn’t matter how much you drink. Your body cannot retain the liquid and you just pee it out. I was dehydrating even though I was drinking. I had to stop and eat ASAP to get some salt back in my system. In the summer, in Florida, you could easily do the same thing.

Wear sneakers – This might sound funny but there are people out there that want to wear something more fashionable. Those people are called idiots. I don’t care who you are, walking ten miles in heals or shoes that were not designed for it is a dumb idea. Don’t wear brand new sneakers either. If you buy new ones make sure you break them in first.

The DVC Era

If you don’t know the worst kept secret in the history of Disney, I’ll fill you it. Disney claims it’s the Disney Vacation Club. If you don’t know what DVC is it is Disney’s version of a timeshare. It is arguably one of the best timeshares you buy. However, that’s like being the best proctologist. You might be the best but you still poke people in the bum. A timeshare is still a timeshare.

Basically instead of an actual timeshare location you buy points. The points can be used at any DVC location or can be used to buy non-Disney vacations. It gives you a lot of flexibility.

There are many pros and cons to being a DVC member. There are people who should be DVC members. If you go to Disney more than once a year, like to stay in a moderate to deluxe resort, can buy the points out right, and don’t want to vacation somewhere else, you should be a DVC member. In the long run you can save a large chunk of money by being a member.

Am I a DVC member? No. I’m an awful candidate. Here are some reasons why I should not be a member. I hope that people who match up to the following think twice about becoming members.

- On average I’ve been to Disney World once every five years with the biggest gap being ten years. I don’t go anywhere near enough. Although I will admit that if I was a member I’d go a lot more.

- I hate the fact that your maintenance can go up every year. You have to pay “maintenance” (aka a fee) on every point you own. Even though you already bought all of your points the fees and keep creaking up on you.

- I can’t buy the points our right. For the sake of argument let’s say you’re going to buy $15,000 in points. You don’t have the cash so you finance it over ten years. The financing for a timeshare is ridiculous. If you’re lucky you might get a 10% interest rate. So let’s figure that out. How much are you really paying to be a member? Try $23,782 give or take a few dollars. What if you have average credit and get a rate of 15%? In that case it would be $29,030. Let’s say you have a big family and need $20,000 in points. In that case you are looking at $31,710 and $38,708 respectively. What did you really save by becoming a member?

- When you buy you have to buy into a resort which determines your future fees but you get little in return. What do I mean? The benefits are really hit or miss. The only guaranteed benefit is that you can book that resort before DVC members who bought other locations. For example – you buy into the Wilderness Lodge and can therefore make a reservation there months before someone who bought into the Boardwalk. That sounds good but there is a chance that the other person paid less for their points, pays less every year in maintenance, and they could still make a reservation at your location when the window opens up. Now if your points went farther at your home location that would be a benefit.

- I like to go other places. A DVC rep would immediately inform me that I can use my points to go on a cruise or other trip. That’s true but what am I saving by doing that? Instead of paying up to 75% off at www.vacationstogo.com I’m now paying face value for that cruise. In others words, I’m paying through the nose.

- You don’t own anything. This is one of the biggest sticking points I have with DVC. With most other timeshares you own something. With DVC you own nothing. You’re just prepaying your vacations. Every resort has an expiration year. When that year comes you’re no longer a member. I hope you vacationed your brains out and got your moneys worth because the memories are all you have to show for your investment in DVC. Granted you may have saved some money if you did it right but, unless you stuck the savings in an account you’ll have a hard time remembering what happened to them.

At the end of the day the DVC is for hardcore Disney fans or people who didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. DVC is NOT an investment. Most people are better off taking their money and buying a CD or putting it in a Money Market. Make sure you do some big time research before buying into DVC. There are many invaluable resources out there if you want more info.

D(ouh!) 23

Well D23 finally landed. After all the speculation and anticipation finding out what D23 is like going to the doctor and finding out it’s time for you first prostate exam. It’s exciting…just not in a good way.

I’ve always wanted to pay someone $75 to slap me in the face. Now Disney has provided me that chance! I can pay $75 to join an online community that is completely controlled by Disney, get a magazine, a certificate that reminds me how stupid I am, a membership card, and (to save the best for last) the honor of buying limited edition merchandise!

In February I did a post about what D23 was going to be. I was just kidding around. I put some fairly awful things in that post. Any of them would have been better.

It takes a lot of nerve or stupidity to come out and say that you’re creating a fan community because no one has gotten it right yet. To say that the content on other sites is “pretty good” is a nice backhanded complement. What’s really funny is, when you claim you did a lot of research to find out what people wanted and then you provide D23 as a result. That’s like saying you’re going to come over my house, pull the ears off my basset hound, and then tell me it’s an improvement because your research says so.

The real irony is that Disney fans created what they wanted. If there was a demand a fan filled it. People wanted a magazine after Disney canned theirs so the Disney community came out with two of them. People wanted a place to discuss Disney. Next thing you know we have dozens of sites for that. People wanted podcasts. Now we have more podcasts than you can shake a stick at. We wanted music and now we have parktunes.com and mouse world radio! People wanted a place to rent their DVC points and guess what?!? There’s a couple of them! If we had wanted to pay through the nose to join a club during the biggest financial crisis since the great depression one of us would have already come out with that.

Narcoossee’s: The Best Restaurant at the Grand Floridian

Narcoossee’s is a restaurant at the Grand Floridian. It’s often over shadowed by the two other restaurants at the Grand Floridian: Citrico’s and Victoria and Albert’s. That’s a shame because it’s better than Citrico’s and far less stuffy than Victoria and Albert’s.

Narcoossee’s sits right on the water next to the boat launch. It has great views of the Magic Kingdom and the lake. The inside is almost perfectly themed. It has large hurricane shutters, big glass windows, and a serving line that you can look right into.

The food is great. They primarily serve seafood and beef. Not being a seafood fan (not everyone in New England likes seafood) you can imagine what I ordered. It was cooked perfectly. Everything we ordered was good. From the appetizers to the deserts nothing was lacking.

The service was very good. It was the only restaurant we dined at where the server actually went out of their way to acknowledge our anniversary. The server brought us each a glass of champagne. It was also nice that she asked if she could bring them first. That showed how attentive she was. I can only imagine if she had just showed up to a table with two glasses of champagne and one of the people was a recovering alcoholic.

The service stood out even more when compared to the other signature dining locations we went to. The California Grill was close. Artist Point and Citrico’s just didn’t compare.

For some people the cost would be an issue. We were on the dining plan so we didn’t think much about it. Don’t expect to pay less than $100 for two people. If you’re on the dining plan it’s going to cost you two credits person. Even considering the cost, it was well worth it. When I think about how Artist Point and Citrico’s are at the same price point, Narcoossee’s is almost a deal. At least you’re getting good food and good service for the same price.
Overall if you can only go to one restaurant at the Grand Floridian, go to Narcoossee’s! I know if I looked at the three options on paper it would be the last one I’d choose but for the overall value it’s the best choice.

Where’s the Booze?

If there is one thing you can always count on it’s the fact that Disney is going to do anything to try and make a buck. Sometimes Disney does a good job hiding the fact that they are draining your wallet sometimes they don’t hide it at all they just make you feel bad if you don’t. Take for example that god forsaken hell known as the Bipidee? Bopbedee? Oh I give up! The awful Boutique in the Magic Kingdom, the one where spoiled little girls walk in and come out raging pre-Madonna’s dressed like a princess of their choice. Disney doesn’t even try to hide that one. They rely on guilt to do their dirty work. They know if your little girl sees another little girl dressed as a princess they’ll make daddy pay through the nose so they can dress like a princess too.

A more subtle example of milking your wallet is the “parties.” Disney likes to throw parties. They do this so they can charge people a premium to come into the Magic Kingdom at night. When you think of it these things are cash cows. Annual Pass holders are not allowed in. If you’re vacationing at the time and have a park hopper pass, you can’t get in. Everyone has to buy an expensive ticket to get in. Oh I forgot though…It’s a party so it’s ok.

Considering all that I’m left wondering one thing. Why doesn’t Disney sell booze in the Magic Kingdom? I’m thinking there are a lot of people there who need it. I know if I had a kid who just got dressed up like a princess, I’d need a drink. If I had to go in with her while she got the overhaul, I’d need a few.

When I thought about it the most common reason for not having booze would be that it would ruin the family friendly environment. That’s a bunch of hogwash (how’s that for an old school term). If you try to make that argument you are saying that DHS, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom do not need to have a family friendly environment that’s on par with the Magic Kingdom. That’s a weak argument.

This means that there is some kind other reason. Maybe it’s something dark and scary! Or maybe it could be one of these:

- The Mayor of Main Street is a raging alcoholic.

- Disney pumps happy gas into the air that, when combined with alcohol, causes spontaneous combustion.

- They thought it would keep my wife out of the Magic Kingdom (you failed).

- Happy gets angry, Doc gets touchy, and Dopey gets…well dopey when they’ve been drinking.

- The princesses have been know to get into cat fights when they have been drinking (there’s an idea for a new attraction).

- The muskrat on Splash Mountain has a contract that states he’s the only one allowed to have alcohol in the Magic Kingdom.

- More people than usual would pass out in the Hall of Presidents.

- Captain Hook and Peter Pan are drinking buddies and that ruins the story line.

- Eore gets bad gas when he’s been drinking.

- The cops are tired of responding to domestic disputes between Minnie and Mickey.

- The characters have been known to streak when they have been drinking…That’s odd considering Donald doesn’t wear pants to begin with and Chip and Dale have never worn clothes.

- The Mad Hatter sits in a corner and cries after he’s tied a buzz on.

- Goofy was arrested for possession after his last bender and is now in rehab.

- Tinker Bell fell off of the zip line after the last all night kegger.

How to fix the worst ride in the “World”

Many people agree that Stitch’s Great Escape is the worst ride in Disney World. It’s hard to find the words to describe how bad it is. The only thing I can say is that I’ve never heard of anyone giving it a thumbs up. More people would recommend the “Tooth Chipper” from an old episode of the Simpsons before recommending Stich’s Great Escape. There are so many things wrong with this ride it’s almost comical.

After thinking about it, I’ve come up with a way to fix Stich’s Great Escape without breaking the budget.

In the pre-ride – scrap the whole prison thing, it just doesn’t work. Bring it back to the original idea of EAC and show a friendly example of a teleportation with Skippy. Take the time to add a good amount of humor into this but avoid the cartoon crap that’s currently a big part of the ride. At the end of the preshow tell everyone that one person is going to be teleported across the room. Then pick someone over the age of 18 who is willing to play along.

In the teleport room build two new tubes on opposite sides if the room with an elevator that goes down below the floor. The volunteer steps in, is surrounded by fog and is lowered under the attraction to where a cast member is waiting. The cast member leads the volunteer to the other elevator and gives them an ugly shirt and has them put it on. While this is happening there is a lot of stuff going on up above that makes it seems like the person it going through the solar system and then ends up at the other “teleporter.” When that happens the person is send back up in the elevator in another cloud of fog. Then a there is a wise crack about the persons shirt being scrambled in the process but that’s better than last time when the person got scrambled and came out looking like this guy – the camera would then focus on someone else in the audience.

For the third part Stich is teleported in via the center tube and then does some funny stuff like spit on someone he thinks needs a shower. Stich would also be interviewed by the narrator and give some funny responses that involve people in the audience. For example ask him what he likes to wear and then have him say not like that guy and point out someone in the audience. Then have another question involving who in the audience looks tough and point out a baby or little kid. There would be a big pool of questions to ensure that the ride is always different. Stich would then say that the surf is up on some distant planet and say good bye to everyone and disappear in cloud of fog.

This would fix a number of the issues the current ride has. It would take out the scary part. The restraints could be removed. The darkness would be removed. It would give everyone a good laugh. Most of all it would turn it into a ride that would appeal to a wide audience and encourage people to go on it more than once.

The Hochberg Conspiracy

A few months ago Matt Hochberg of www.studioscentral.com and the WDW Today Podcast took time off to get “married.” Most people believe (other than the rest of the WDW Today gang) that. After all when he showed up again he was married.

Shenanigans! I declare shenanigans!

What was Matt really doing? After extensive research and a lot of hard work (terms used loosely) I have discovered the truth (if truth means funny fake story).

Matt was supposed to take time off and get married. At the last minute he got an offer he couldn’t refuse. He found himself in a real pickle. Should he take the offer and postpone his wedding? Should he turn it down and go ahead with the wedding? Or should he try and do both? Matt chose the third option.

Matt informed his fiancé that the wedding had to be changed radically. He made plans with a local justice of the peace affectionately called “Uncle Bubba” by his friends for that very afternoon. After that, there would be a brief wedding dinner for family only at the local Denny’s where everyone would get a Grand Slam. The honeymoon would be reduced to two nights at the Motel Six and then Matt would be off to take the offer he couldn’t refuse.

The offer was a spot on “The Not so Amazing Race” staring Matt vs. Van of the Netcot podcast. They would battle each other in a brutal death match that makes the recent film “Death Race” seem like “My Little Pony.”

To start each contestant had to ride one ride at Epcot. Next you had to consume one food item before leaving the park. After that you had to use Disney World Transportation to make it to the Magic Kingdom. Whoever arrived first won!

Matt started by hitting Soarin because it’s a short ride. Van started by hitting that awful thing in Mexico because you can walk onto it. Matt cheated. Somehow he got right through the 60 min line at Soarin. I think he beat up an old lady and took her fast pass. Van didn’t cheat but he walked half way across the park for his ride.

For food, Van found a loophole and ran to Club Station Cool and swigged down some Beverly. What people who saw the video don’t know is that this plan backfired. After drinking that swill Van became violently ill and spent 30 minutes paying homage to the porcelain god. Matt decided to get popcorn. Not a bad idea but he had to wait forever in line to get it.

The trip to the Magic Kingdom was odd. Matt did the sensible thing and got on the monorail. Van jumped on a bus bound for Fort Wilderness and then took a boat to the Magic Kingdom. That must have taken forever which ruined any chance he had of winning. Matt beat him to the Magic Kingdom.

Matt won the race and returned to his wife a “winner.” Matt’s wife said winners sleep in the dog house until further notice especially when they have nothing to show for their victory. As the loser Van was dragged outside the gates of the Magic Kingdom and severely beaten by Mickey Mouse. He spent weeks in the hospital which explains why Netcot had no broadcasts during the beginning of 2009.

Matt returned to WDW Today and came up with some malarkey about getting married and going a honeymoon because he was too embarrassed to admit the truth and his wife threatened to kill him if he told people what really happened.

If I had been in that race I’d have whipped both of them. First of all you ride Spaceship Earth. It moves a ton of people an hour and in the off season it tends to be a walk on ride. It’s also right at the gate. For food I’d use the same loophole as Van. If you only need to drink something I’d run to the nearest water fountain and take a few swigs. Next I’d highjack a tram and drive to the Magic Kingdom (what?!? It’s Disney Transportation). Beat that!

(DISCLAIMER: Please do not take the above seriously. It is mostly a joke. Matt and Van were not involved in a death race and no one was injured in during the filming of “The Not so Amazing Race” that I know of. I’m also 99% that Matt did not blow off his wedding to partake in the race (I hope). Again, the above is meant to be funny. If you don’t think it’s funny go to the doctor and ask for some happy pills. Or go to Disney World. They tend to have the same effect.)