The Hochberg Conspiracy

A few months ago Matt Hochberg of www.studioscentral.com and the WDW Today Podcast took time off to get “married.” Most people believe (other than the rest of the WDW Today gang) that. After all when he showed up again he was married.

Shenanigans! I declare shenanigans!

What was Matt really doing? After extensive research and a lot of hard work (terms used loosely) I have discovered the truth (if truth means funny fake story).

Matt was supposed to take time off and get married. At the last minute he got an offer he couldn’t refuse. He found himself in a real pickle. Should he take the offer and postpone his wedding? Should he turn it down and go ahead with the wedding? Or should he try and do both? Matt chose the third option.

Matt informed his fiancé that the wedding had to be changed radically. He made plans with a local justice of the peace affectionately called “Uncle Bubba” by his friends for that very afternoon. After that, there would be a brief wedding dinner for family only at the local Denny’s where everyone would get a Grand Slam. The honeymoon would be reduced to two nights at the Motel Six and then Matt would be off to take the offer he couldn’t refuse.

The offer was a spot on “The Not so Amazing Race” staring Matt vs. Van of the Netcot podcast. They would battle each other in a brutal death match that makes the recent film “Death Race” seem like “My Little Pony.”

To start each contestant had to ride one ride at Epcot. Next you had to consume one food item before leaving the park. After that you had to use Disney World Transportation to make it to the Magic Kingdom. Whoever arrived first won!

Matt started by hitting Soarin because it’s a short ride. Van started by hitting that awful thing in Mexico because you can walk onto it. Matt cheated. Somehow he got right through the 60 min line at Soarin. I think he beat up an old lady and took her fast pass. Van didn’t cheat but he walked half way across the park for his ride.

For food, Van found a loophole and ran to Club Station Cool and swigged down some Beverly. What people who saw the video don’t know is that this plan backfired. After drinking that swill Van became violently ill and spent 30 minutes paying homage to the porcelain god. Matt decided to get popcorn. Not a bad idea but he had to wait forever in line to get it.

The trip to the Magic Kingdom was odd. Matt did the sensible thing and got on the monorail. Van jumped on a bus bound for Fort Wilderness and then took a boat to the Magic Kingdom. That must have taken forever which ruined any chance he had of winning. Matt beat him to the Magic Kingdom.

Matt won the race and returned to his wife a “winner.” Matt’s wife said winners sleep in the dog house until further notice especially when they have nothing to show for their victory. As the loser Van was dragged outside the gates of the Magic Kingdom and severely beaten by Mickey Mouse. He spent weeks in the hospital which explains why Netcot had no broadcasts during the beginning of 2009.

Matt returned to WDW Today and came up with some malarkey about getting married and going a honeymoon because he was too embarrassed to admit the truth and his wife threatened to kill him if he told people what really happened.

If I had been in that race I’d have whipped both of them. First of all you ride Spaceship Earth. It moves a ton of people an hour and in the off season it tends to be a walk on ride. It’s also right at the gate. For food I’d use the same loophole as Van. If you only need to drink something I’d run to the nearest water fountain and take a few swigs. Next I’d highjack a tram and drive to the Magic Kingdom (what?!? It’s Disney Transportation). Beat that!

(DISCLAIMER: Please do not take the above seriously. It is mostly a joke. Matt and Van were not involved in a death race and no one was injured in during the filming of “The Not so Amazing Race” that I know of. I’m also 99% that Matt did not blow off his wedding to partake in the race (I hope). Again, the above is meant to be funny. If you don’t think it’s funny go to the doctor and ask for some happy pills. Or go to Disney World. They tend to have the same effect.)