Monkeys Invade the Swiss Family Tree House

A number of escaped monkeys from a local zoo have turned up in the Magic Kingdom.

Last month a group of monkeys escaped when a zoo keeper left their pen unlocked. The monkeys were thought to have disappeared into the forests outside of Orlando. However, last week the monkeys appeared in the Swiss Family Tree House in the Magic Kingdom.

“This is great!” exclaimed a cast member, “The monkeys are drawing huge crowds to the Tree House. We haven’t seen this many people checking out this attraction in decades.”

“It’s funny. Half of the park guests don’t know the Swiss Family story but they love this attraction. Most of them think Swiss Family Robinson is story about a family of monkeys. I’m not even going to try and explain it them,” stated long time Disney employee Daisy Duck.

The response to the monkeys has been impressive. To capitalize on crowds Disney has released a new series of monkey pins, t-shirts, and hats. Disney has also setup a banana cart near the entrance of the Tree House so guests can feed the monkeys.

“There has been one drawback to the monkey infestation. We’ve had to assign a cast member to the attraction full time. Someone has to clean up the monkey poo. It’s a seriously slip hazard,” explains a supervisor in Adventure Land.

Instead of waste the waste Disney has been shipping the monkey poo over to their Horticultural Department to be used as fertilizer.

“Hey they just took advantage of a crappy situation,” explains one of the birds from the Tiki Room. “I was afraid they’d pile the stuff over here. It’s not like anyone would really be able to tell the difference. Our show stinks.”

It’s unknown if the zoo that lost the monkeys will attempt to capture them or if Disney will broker a deal to keep the monkeys. Only time will tell.

Photo of the Week - Hoop Dee Doo Review

If you've never been to the Hoop Dee Doo Review at Fort Wilderness, go. It's the best diner show in Walt Disney World. It's fun, the food is decent, and it's all you can drink alcohol. If you base the ticket price on Disney's alcohol pricing you'll make your money back right there.

Disney Announces Plan to Get Boys into Fantasy Land

A few weeks ago it was announced that the Fantasy Land Expansion was being adjusted so boys would be attracted to the land and not just little girls who love princesses. At the time it was not announced what would be introduced to accomplish this feat but some details have started to leak out.

According to an unnamed inside source (Dopey Dwarf), a new stall is being built inside fantasy land. The new stall will rent paint ball equipment. Each paint ball gun will come with a laser scope, score card, camera mounted helmet / face shield.

The score cards have a list of bounties to be collected. Anyone who racks up 1000 points worth of bounties receives a special prize. All of the bounties are Fantasy Land related. Here are some of the bounties:

Shoot anyone dressed as Cinderella: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Belle: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Jasmine: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Ariel: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Aurora: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Tiana: 50 points

Shoot anyone dressed as Snow White: 50 points

Shoot any adult dressed as a princess: 100 points

Shoot Belle in the backside: 200 points

Shoot Cinderella in the glass slipper: 500 points

Shoot the tiara off any princess: 300 points

Shoot two different princesses in less than 10 seconds: 200 points

Shoot Peter Pan: 100 points

Shoot Tinker Belle: 100 points

Shoot any member of the 100 Acre Wood: 100 points

Shoot the tail off Eyeore: 500 points

Shoot any princess while they are posing for a picture: 200 points.

The camera mounted on the helmet is activated each time you pull the trigger to capture evidence of your bounties so no one can cheat.

The booth is expected to be a big hit. Rentals start at $50 for the basic package and go up to $300. The $300 package also includes a tee shirt you can take home and a DVD of your exploits.

The booth should be up and running when the rest of the Fantasy Land Expansion opens.

The Resort Rivalry – Part Two: The Moderate Resorts

Here is part two of the Resort Rivalry. This time we look at the Moderate Resorts. Somewhat like the middle kid the cast members at the moderate resorts are often the subjects of abuse.

Caribbean Beach – “Farter” – One that makes no sense without the story behind it. As the story goes there was a cast member at the Caribbean Beach who loved to eat beans and garlic. As you can imagine she was a very gaseous cast member. She used to jokingly say “It’s the Caribbean breeze.” That story got out and now everyone at that resort is called a “farter.”

Coronado Springs – “Rock Head” – As the story goes an employee at Coronado Springs was breaking the first rule of pool time fun - don’t run around the pool. As you’d expect she slipped and smashed her head on the ground. The other cast members who witnessed the accident were shocked at the loud smacking sound her head made as it struck concrete. When she stood up she didn’t have a mark on her. She didn’t even end up with a bruise. People started calling her “Rock Head” from that day on. In time the name came to refer to all cast members at Coronado Springs.

Fort Wilderness – “Tree Hugging Hippy” – This insult was based on a cast member who was often described as “crunchy.” When not at work she dressed and acted like a Hippy. She once stated that she loved working at Fort Wilderness because of all of the trees and animals. The cast members at Fort Wilderness started calling her a “Tree Hugging Hippy.” Little did they know that the very insult they made up would one day be used to describe all Fort Wilderness cast members.

Port Orleans Riverside – “Zombie” – The name is based on a legendary cast member who was also a party animal. He would throw raging parties that would not stop until the sun came up. He’d also frequently keep his co-workers out until the wee hours of the morning. The next day everyone would have to report to work with predictable results. Everyone would be a complete mess and act like a zombie all day. Thanks to that cast member everyone who works at Port Orleans is now referred to as a zombie.

Port Orleans French Quarter – “B.O. Brigade” – This insult came from the old joke that French people don’t wear deodorant and smell bad in the summer. This insult really stuck after a cast member forgot that he had agreed to cover a friend’s shift. He had just finished an eight mile run when his supervisor called him asking where he was. The cast member went directly into work. As you can imagine he smelled rather ripe.

Saratoga Springs – “Yorkah” – Even though there have been very few actual New Yorkers to work at Saratoga Springs the derogatory nickname “Yorkah” has been used to describe the cast members there. The word Yorkah is how the word Yorker is pronounced with a New York accent. The interesting thing is this insult was originally inflicted by someone from Massachusetts. People from Massachusetts do not like people from New York. The bitterness is so ingrained; people from NY often call people from Mass “Massholes.” It is believed that the cast member from Massachusetts originally uttered the insult solely based on the resorts theme and not in regards to any specific cast member who worked there.

In part three we’ll address the Deluxe Resorts.

Photo of the Week - Burt and Mary

Ignore the massive head in the lower right hand side of the photo - the other characters need to introductions. Two of the most beloved characters in the history of Disney. Enough said.

Bongo Did It!

When Disney announced that they were raising ticket prices again I wasn’t even remotely surprised. Some people were shocked. Those people are the ones don’t know their Disney history.

There are few things you can really rely on. Disney raising their ticket prices on a yearly basis is one of those things. If Vegas let you bet you it you’d win every year if you bet that Disney was going to raise their prices.

When it comes to reliability Disney is the Timex of the theme park industry. No matter what is going on in the rest of the world, no matter how bad things get, and no matter how bad Disney is getting hit, they are going to raise prices.

I always wondered why you’d raise prices even when doing so made no sense. When the economy is in the dump it doesn’t make sense to raise your prices. This amazed me so much I decided to look into it. What I found out was utterly shocking.

Disney as a whole has abandoned the family business mentality and has completely adopted the corporate machine philosophy. Most large corporations are driven by fear. The CEO fears the board members, the board members fear the stock holders, and management fears the CEO. The cycle keeps going through the entire organization. One thing everyone needs is a fall guy. To truly understand this you have to remember that there are certain terms that cannot be uttered in any corporation because they are deemed too offensive. Terms such as: accountability, service, honesty, compassion, empathy, and flexibility.

Profits need to maintain a certain level to keep the stock holders happy. To do this you have to always find new avenues of revenue. Adding features and services that people want is just too difficult. Instead Disney decided to do study to find out if raising ticket prices was a good idea. However, there is one major problem with that idea. If you raise prices and attendance drops you’re on the hot seat. If you don’t raise prices and revenue drops you’re on the hot seat. This is where Bongo comes in.

Bongo is a chimpanzee. Bongo’s job is to determine whether ticket prices should be raised every year. Every year Disney management dresses Bongo in a suit and walks him into a special room. In the room there are two baskets with bananas in them. One is painted black and the other is painted pink. If Bongo eats the bananas in the black basket first, Disney will raise their prices. If Bongo eats the bananas in the pink basket first, Disney will lower their prices. Every year Bongo eats out of the black basket first. This might have to do with the fact that Bongo’s favorite color is black but Disney management argues against that.

Bongo is actually used for more than just deciding ticket prices. Research has shown that he is responsible for a majority of the major decisions regarding Disney.

Now you might be wondering why on Earth, would you have a chimp decide such almost all of the major issues in a major corporation. The answer is simple! If the crap hits the fan you blame the chimp! He’s the fall guy for Disney management. In fact to survive in the Disney corporate machine you only need to remember one line: “Bongo did it!”

Disclaimer: If you didn’t already figure it out, the above is fiction. Disney does not use a chimp named Bongo to make their major decisions…although that would explain a lot.

Time for another Reboot

Rebooting or remaking a film or turning a ride or video game into a film seems like the in thing to do. My guess is most of the movie studios are too lazy or too scared to come up with something new.

Look at Disney. I think they almost pioneered the idea. We had three movies based off of Pirates of the Caribbean, one movie based on the Haunted Mansion, a movie based on the Price of Persia video game, a new Tron movie, a remake of A Christmas Carroll and a recently announced reboot of the failed Haunted Mansion movie.

If you are going to do something, do something different. Let’s step it up a notch. Here are some rides, movies, and games that would be fun to see:

Swiss Family Robinson: Look how popular Lost was. Now imagine if it didn’t have a crappy ending and it took place a in the 1800’s so you could have pirates too. You already have an attraction in the Magic Kingdom to support it too. Can you say GOLD MINE?

Tom Sawyer: When was the last time someone did a fun Tom Sawyer movie? That’s right you can’t remember can you. That means it’s a good time to do one. Like the Swiss Family Robinson, you already have an attraction for it.

Epic Mickey: If the game is a success don’t wait - bang out an animated film. Who doesn’t want to see Mickey Mouse in a movie?

Space Mountain: You think I’m nuts? Think again. You could easily do a fun movie based around the day to day operations of a large space port.

The Jungle Cruise: Make this a comedy and throw some references to the ride in there and you have a great low budget movie.

The Pioneer Players: With the success of Red Dead Redemption and Glee (yes I just mentioned them in the same sentence) the time is great for a western comedy loaded with music.

The Country Bear Jamboree: Somehow you managed to make a Country Bears movie that was just awful. I didn’t think that was possible but you did it. Why not actually do a good story this time?

Expedition Everest: Do I need to say more? Maybe we could actually see the Yeti move in the movie.

Kilimanjaro Safaris – The Hunt for Big Red: The story didn’t work for a ride because we didn’t want a ride we wanted to look at animals. However a movie could work.

That’s just a few ideas. I’m sure there are a ton of others. Just don’t do a Tiki Room movie. That would be awful.

Photo of the Week - Frontier Land at Night

There are a lot of hidden gems that can be found in the Disney World at night. This is one of them. This would be a good picture during the day but at night you can get this photo with no one in the shot. That's all but impossible during the day.

Disney Announces the Yeti’s Actual Status

Rumors and speculation have surrounded the actual status of the Yeti on Expedition Everest for years now. Disney finally announced last week what his actual status is.

Apparently after The Cousin Mickey Doesn’t Talk About exposed what happened to Jose, the original Yeti, he was rehired and put back into the ride (see http://thecousinmickeydoesnttalkabout.blogspot.com/2009/08/yeti-sues-disney-over-breach-of.html).

With Jose back in place many thought that the original Yeti experience would return. However, nothing has changed.

“Jose is suffering from a chronic repetitive stress injury and is unable to perform his normal duties,” stated Mickey Mouse wearing a safari hat, during a press conference.

So there it is. Poor Jose goes through a legal battle to get his job back after being let go just to be sidelined by an injury that prevents him from doing that job.

Until Jose recovers we can expect to see the same old strobe light action we’re used to.

Another Ride I Want to See Gone!

Everyone knows I don’t like Stiches Great Escape. However, as I’ve stated before that ride is fixable. I can also name about a dozen other rides that really miss the mark and need help but there is one I think is beyond help.

To put it simply, Mission Space is a one ride wonder. The first time you ride it you think it’s entertaining. The second time you ride it (if it doesn’t make you sick the first time) you realize that it’s really a crummy ride. The preshow stinks. The story stinks. The waiting area stinks. The ride is a glorified Turkish Twist only not as exciting. In fact the only thing I enjoy about Mission Space is the queue.

Of course since Mission Space is considered a thrill ride and it cost oodles of money to build I don’t think it’s going anywhere anytime soon. I say that but the first crack is showing in its armor. That crack being the fact that I’ve never waited in line on Mission Space and I do the “Orange Team.” That is not a good sign when you consider its next door neighbor, Test Track, always has a line and it’s a much older ride.

There is only one ride in Epcot I can think of with a shorter wait than Mission Space and that’s the Imagination ride. You know you are in trouble when you can be compared to that ride.

The real killer just occurred to me when my mother asked me if she should go on Mission Space when on her next Disney vacation. I said no. I really could not recommend it to my mother and she’s been on everything else in Disney World.

The saddest part is, you could have a killer ride with a space theme. Space is such a diverse and exotic subject you’d think the Imagineers would have a field day with it.

I know some people might not agree with this but I’d like to see a good old fashion space themed dark ride that goes through the history of space exploration and some future possibilities. I think that would have more shelf life that Mission Space currently has.

The Man Who Was Vilified

Throughout the history of Disney there have been people who have been labeled as legends, visionaries, and saviors. Others haven't been so lucky. Some people were labeled villains and run out of the company. In some cases the action taken against them was well deserved. However, in at least one case the label of villain put a tarnish on all he accomplished.

A lot of people talk about Michale Eisner as if he abused animals and murdered children. Is that fair?

When Eisner took over things were bad. For years Disney had been a target for companies who wanted to take it over. The movies were crap. Disney World itself was struggling to meet it's guests demands.

What happened over the next two decades? (not in chronological order)

1 - On property hotel rooms expanded from 5k to over 30k
2 - Disney Hollywood Studios opened
3 - Animal Kingdom opened
4 - Disney Vacation Club
5 - The Littler Mermaid released
6 - Aladdin released
7 - Lion King released
8 - Beauty and the Beast released
9 - Wonderful World of Disney made a comeback
10 - Revival of the Disney Parks
11 - Grand Floridian
12 - Wilderness Lodge
13 - Swan and Dolphin

How many people who are Disney fans today grew up in the late 80's through the 90's? My parents took me to the parks and movies during that time period. It seemed like every time we went there wasn't just a new attraction but ton of new stuff to check out. There seemed to be a buzz that you couldn't explain. It really seemed like Disney was firing on all cylinders.

I don't know where everything went wrong. It seems like you never hear the same story twice. What I do know is that Disney is around today because of what took place in the late 80's and through the 90's. There are a lot of fans today that became fans during those years.

Photo of the Week - Moon Over World Showcase

This photo was taken from the Canada Pavilion. Some people can tell when it was taken as soon as they look at the photo. The fire pot on the left gives it away. It was taken just before Illuminations started.

The Resort Rivalry – Part One: The Value Resorts

Rivalries are nothing new. The Yankees and Red Sox have a legendary rivalry. The Air Force, Navy, Marines, and Army all have derogatory nicknames for members of the other branches. You can go on and on just listing rivalries and their impact on society. However, there is one rivalry that has gone under the radar for years. The rivalry between the different Disney resorts. Did you each resort has a derogatory nickname for their employees? We’ll start with the Value Resorts.

Pop Century: “Pimple POP-er” - the nickname came about when a cast member at the Contemporary resort told a cast member who worked at Pop Century to go “POP the pimple on his backside. Apparently the two had been drinking around the world and ended up in a dispute about who was buying in the next country. The pimple popping reference stuck.

All-Star Music – “Trumpet Face” – The insult references the large fake trumpets that decorate the resort but was originally used against one unfortunate employee who had a very large nose.

All-Star Sports – “Strike Out” – Many take this insult to be a lame take on the sports theme. They are wrong. The actual reference came from the fact that All-Star Sports is a value resort. One intoxicated cast member teased a cast member who worked at Sports and told him that he must have struck out and that’s why he did end up at a better resort.

All-Star Movies – “Fail B” – This insult accuses cast members at the All-Star Movies Resort of being such bad actors that they couldn’t even land a B-movie roll. Rumor has it that one cast member tried out for one of the awful monster movies on the SyFy channel and earned this nickname for all cast members at Music.

In part two, we’ll cover the Moderate resorts.

Donkey of the Decade Award

A Disney star recently won the Donkey of the Decade award during an event held at the Staples Center in Los Angles.

In a stunning upset the award was not given to Eyeore of Winnie the Pooh fame or Donkey from the Shrek films. The award was given to the donkey from “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.”

“He was in one scene. ONE SCENE! He didn’t even have any lines. He just walked in a circle!” raved Donkey from Shrek.

“I don’t care if I didn’t win. I don’t care who won. I didn’t even want to go to Los Angles but Winnie said he’d beat me if I didn’t,” sated Eyeore.

During his acceptance speech the winner said “Heehaw, heehaw,” which was followed by a thunderous applause from the audience.

The Donkey of the Decade awards are held once every ten years and award famous donkeys from film, stage, and the recording industry for their work. Past winners include the donkey from the “Good the Bad and the Ugly,” Dominic the Donkey, and Barry Bonds.

Grand Theft Mickey

In response to complaints that “Epic Mickey” was toned down and not as dark as originally planed, Disney announced last week that they are working on a new video game featuring Mickey Mouse.

“Grand Theft Mickey” will take place in a sandbox version of Disney World. The sandbox will similar in scope to the worlds found in Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption video games.

The story starts with Mickey finding out that Donald Duck has kidnapped Minnie and is holding her for ransom. Instead of paying the ransom, Mickey goes on an epic rampage throughout Disney World while trying to locate Donald.

Throughout the story Mickey has to enlist other classic characters to help him in his quest. He’ll do this by doing various tasks and quests for the characters. In one case, to enlist the aide of Goofy, Mickey has to “handle” a number of people who have been making fun of Goofy. These people turn out of be the Seven Dwarfs who you hunt down one by one. You are given the choice to either beat up the dwarfs, accept a bribe from them and take “proof” you’ve “taken care” of them, or capture them alive and return them to Goofy who will then imprison them in his jail until they decide to stop making fun of him.

Like most typically sandbox games there will also be numerous mini-games and random events throughout the world. Some of the mini games include: Monorail Driving, Bus Driver, Ride Photo Screening, “It’s a Small World” Target Practice, A photography game where you capture certain guest events (like a child melting down) and landmarks, and a fireworks game.

There is also a morals system built into the game. It’s not your typical moral system. Your actions either make you a Fan Favorite or a Disney Villain. There is second area that is tracked to determine how much you influence others. For example, if you choose to beat up the dwarfs you remain neutral in the FF or DV area but you become more influential. If you take the bribe you become more of a DV but do not gain any influence. If you return the dwarfs to Goofy you become more of a FF but do not gain any influence.

Your standing as an FF or DV determines who you can enlist to help you. If you are a FF you can enlist Goofy, Pluto, Peter Pan, and other popular characters. If you are a DV you can enlist Ursula, The Witch, Captain Barbosa, and other classic Disney Villains.

Your influence level determines how people react to you. If your influence is low people will not believe what you say or they won’t want to help you. With a high influence people respect you, believe everything you say, and will help you without any questioning.

There is a rather high level of violence in the game. However, you cannot kill guests or cast members (but you can beat them up and take their loot thereby sending them to first aid). You cannot “kill” characters either but injuring them requires them to be send to the animation department to be redrawn or to the costume department to be re-stitched.

The game is expected to be out for the holiday season and be released on all the major consoles. Early estimates are showing that Grand Theft Mickey could be a mega hit.

(If you didn’t figure it out by now this is a fake news report. However, I’d love to see this game. If you want it, complain to Disney. Maybe we’ll get lucky.)