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Disney Does It Again

It’s been a while since I did an old fashion Disney post.  Recent events have made it a prime time to do so. 

As you may have figured out, I’m not a Disney defender.  From 1985 till 2010, I was a HUGE Disney defender, but Disney managed to drive me away.

The biggest reason I turned my back on Disney wasn’t the cost, it was the value.  The value dropped off the face of the Earth, as Disney reduced the guest experience to a shell of its former self.  If my last trip in 2011 taught me anything, it was that Disney no longer cared about the guest experience.  They were solely focused on profits.

Two big stories popped up in the last week.  They go hand in hand with my biggest complaint about Disney World.  The two topics are the new pricing structure and elimination of a third of the Citizens of Hollywood.

Pricing

In a move that proved how little Disney cares for (non-affluent) families, Disney introduced a new tiered pricing structure.  Now you will pay more for busier days.  Let’s read between the lines here.  If you are locked into certain periods of time off (teachers), you are now being punished.  If you can’t pull your kids out of school (most families) you can now pay through the nose. 

Are you getting anything in return for these massive price hikes?  No.  You are actually getting less.  First, this is a MASSIVE price hike.  It’s the biggest of all time.  Disney would argue that with some political mumbo jumbo, but the fact is, this change will result in average price paid jumping to an unprecedented level.

Now, how are you getting less?

The trend of butchering the guest experience continues.   Disney has consistently reduced the value of your ticket by eliminating entertainment.  The most recent example is the elimination of a third of the Citizens of Hollywood.  In translation – one third of the best part of Disney Studios has been flushed down the toilet.  That cut seriously reduces the value of visiting Disney Studios.  If you go back over the last six years, you’ll find similar cuts all around Disney World.  The guest experience is a shadow of what it once was.

I know I walked away.  For a long time I thought I was the only one.  Recently my mother walked away.  I was stunned by that.  My mother has been a huge Disney fan since her first trip to Disney Land as a child.  We are talking about someone who has been a fan for more than five decades.  She said she’s not going back.  It’s not worth it anymore.

Before you point at me and say I influenced her, let me say this.  My mother has no idea that I write this blog.  She has no idea who A. Antonio or CMDTA is, nor has she ever even mentioned it.  We haven’t talked about Disney in years. 

My family is not the only one.  For the first time we are seeing longtime fans walking away.  Now is the time to fix the problem.  If Disney waits until it impacts the bottom-line it will be far too late.  They will find themselves crippled for years while Universal wipes the floor with them.

An Open Letter to AMResorts

Five days ago, while still on vacation, I took the time to email AMResorts.  They are the parent company of Secrets.  I wasn't expecting anything to come from it, but I should have at least gotten a token response.  

It's been five days and I've have not received a response,

The following email was sent to info@amresorts.com :

Why do I get the feeling that as soon as you saw the subject line to this email, you shuddered a little? :)

I don't have to tell you what it's like down here.  No doubt you've been monitoring most of the travel sites and cringing at the reviews.

I haven't seen a review yet that honestly detailed what it's like to vacation here.  My wife and I are half way through our "unlimited luxury".  The experience has been bad enough to forever sour our opinion of Secrets.  I didn't think that was possible before coming here.  I even saw the reviews and thought I was prepared.  It's hard to express how disappointed we are.

I won't go into a lot of details.  I already cataloged them on my travel blog.  There are a few that I have to point out, because I feel they are shockingly bad.

Check in was the worst travel experience of my adult life.  The only travel experience that was worse was when I was a kid and was involved in an accident while on vacation.  All my front teeth were knocked out back then.   This experience comes right behind that.  At least back then someone cared about what happened.

A month or so ago, my credit card was compromised and automatically blocked and reissued.  I thought nothing of it.  It's not the first time I've been through that.  It's never been an issue before.  Can you guess what happened when I went to check in?  I don't feel like writing it again, so here is an excerpt from by blog:

Everything goes well until they ask to see the credit card I booked the room with.  I pull out the card that is tied into that account.  Not good enough.  They need to see the ACTUAL card.  That poses a problem.  That ACTUAL card was compromised and automatically blocked by the bank to prevent fraud.  I explain that.  They don't care.

I try to get pull up my statement on my phone.  Too bad!  I had never accessed my account on that phone.  Even with Wifi, I can't get in.  Being in a foreign country, I can't text the security code back without inuring an expense.  They don't care.

I ask if they can call the bank.  They do.  It takes the lady a while but she manages to connect to my bank.  They tell her that it's the same card and that they see the charge on the account.  Guess what...they don't care.  They want to see something physical.

At this point my wife asks if there is anything that can be done,  The lady shrugs.  What kind of a reply is that?  Guess what my wife did?  She went into dragon mode and demanded to speak to someone else.

I pull up my Tripit Confirmation!  That would work right?   Nope.  Not good enough!

Before I go further, let me outline what Secrets has in their hand:

1. Both our Passports.

2. A rep from the bank saying that it's the same account and that they see the charge paid.

3. The confirmation email that shows the total amount paid.

4.  The credit card assigned to that account.

Two different supervisors come over and hem and haw over it.  Their offer is to put a hold on our card for the full amount of the room (not the deal amount we paid for it) and then see if the booking office can do anything in a couple days when they are open again.  That would involve us putting our vacation on hold when Monday hit.

Thankfully, the girl at the bank broke the rules for us and emailed us the credit card statement that showed the transaction.

Check in time - 1hr.  Annoyance level - considering writing off Secrets for life.  At the very least we totally wrote off going to the spa or the private dinner.  We were not spending a single extra dollar after putting us through that nonsense.

So we get to the room.  I think it's easier to say what's working than whats broken.  It really looks like our room was in the process of getting renovated when someone stopped, cleaned up, and checked us in.

Our phone is the biggest issue.  It's broken.  We've reported it three times and not a single person has come to look at it.  Every time we want to order room service, we have to go to the front desk.  For breakfast, we have to ask for a card at the front desk.  That's worked two out of three times.

I'm not going to go into the service.  It's not possible that you do not know how bad it is.  People are complaining about it everywhere.  I'd rather take the time to single out two employees.  In five days, I've found only two employees who are Secrets level employees.  Balbino is a server who works in the Market Cafe and often in a supportive role at the other restaurants.  Anjimara is a waitress we've run into at Bordeaux.  Those are the only two who have been good.

The front desk, so far, hast been the worst of the batch.  They never smile and when I have to approach them, I feel like an inmate asking for an exemption.

You know an experience is bad when someone stops in the middle of their vacation to write a letter like this.

I fully expect that you will send a token response before filing this away.  If I email you, maybe a couple of people find out.   To date, my review of Secrets St. James has over 23,000 views.  On average it grows by six hundred per month.  My room and resort review of Playa Bonita is going up right next to it.

I know in the grand scope that 23,000 isn't a whole lot, but it makes me feel better knowing that I can warn so many people about this place.

To be honest, after my experience here, I can't imagine traveling to another Secrets.  It's too risky.  This place has devalued the Secrets name to such a degree that it's become almost meaningless.  I can't justify picking Secrets over Sandals, Club Med, or another chain.

Five days is more than enough to get a response back.

If I ever hear anything back, I'll let everyone know.

Room Overview - Logan Airport Hilton

This is a review for a very nice hotel that can really come in handy if you are traveling.  It's ideally located at Logan International Airport.

Secrets Playa Bonita - Standard Room Review

First watch the video, and then I'll fill in some blanks.

So what else is there?  In the bathroom, I mention the gaps where mold can grow.  One of these is caused by the wall moving.  I'm serious.  If you push on the wall, it moves.  It's as if it is floating and not bolted to anything.

You'll notice that the sheets are messy in this video.  That's because the maid service was spotty.  Multiple times during our trip we did not get maid service or a turn down, despite spending at least eight hours a day outside of our room.

You might notice that the door to the room looks wooden.  It is and it's not even slightly insulated.  This means you will hear anything going on outside.  Despite this fact, the AC keeps the room nice and cool.  I can't imagine the amount of energy they burn through maintaining this.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Final Comments

Playa Bonita was, in a word, disappointing.  It did not live up to the Secrets name.  In fact, it dragged the Secrets name into the mud.  At this point, I cannot imagine I will ever return to a Secrets resort.

The food service dramatically improved after they fired the food and beverage manager and replaced him with an actual Secrets employee.   There were still some glaring issues, but the improvement was remarkable

In some ways it seemed like Panama wanted to get rid of us.  The checkout process was far better than checking, but I think that goes without saying.  Checking in was a nightmare.  The transfer to the airport was dramatically better too.  They sent a car and we were there in about a forty minutes.

I think all of the speaks to the biggest issue at Playa Bonita - consistency.  There are some rare times when you get an employee who seems to care and then there is the 90% when things are not so good and you are lucky to get water.

On a side note, I did discover the working arrangements (at least for the front desk).  The employees work six days a week for seven hours.  They get one day off that is determined by their managers.  I hope they get paid well, since that kind of schedule seems like it would lead to burnout.

Overall, don't go to Play Bonita.  Maybe in a few years it might be okay, but right now it's not good.  Maybe if you can get a deal for $99 per person per day, it might be a value.  Just lower your expectations and don't expect it to be a Secrets.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Eight - You Might Die.

Last night we hit the Caribbean Night.  It was almost the same as Panama Night, but with different food.  If you want to eat outside, this is the way to go.  Usually at night the temp drops to around 80 with a nice breeze.  This makes it very comfortable.

This is our last day.  I think in some ways that we were forgotten.  Many people received a coupon package when they checked in.  We did not.  Most people had some useful information left in their room about the resort and tours you could take.  We did not get get that.  Some people got snacks in their room.  We never got that.  Some people got nips of alcohol.  We didn't get that either.

We were stunned last night to arrive back at our room to find the minibar guy restocking the fridge.  He was slow as molasses, but that slowness allowed me to look at his cart.  There was a number of things other people got in their mini-fridge that we did not.

I guess the drawback of getting your mini-bar refilled is that we didn't get a turn down.  When you get your turn down, you get your agenda for the next day.  If we want to know what's open tonight, we'll have to take a trip to the front desk.  Happy days!

I have to provide a very serious warning to anyone reading this.  If you have food allergies, your life could be in danger by coming here.  I wish I was kidding.  Time and again, the menu does not match what is delivered to you.  Often nuts are added to items or they are in items without being put on the description.  Shellfish can also pop up without notice.  If you get an extremely competent waiter, you might be able to ask them whats in the food.  Most of the time, that won't help, unless you speak Spanish.

Let me give an example of a disconnect between the menu and what is delivered.  The cheese plate on the menu says "Served with assorted breads, homemade pickles, and marmalade."  Look for yourself...

Possibly Lethal Descriptions

Someone with a gluten allergy would never order that.  That's too bad.  What was delivery was gluten free.  However, it came with nuts, no bread, no homemade pickles, and no marmalade.

You will often see items on the menu listed as gluten free or vegetarian.  I would not trust that.  You would be taking a serious chance if you trust any of the descriptions on these menus.  Time and again they have been far from accurate.

Our vacation is almost over.  I can't remember the last time I really looked forward to going home.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but I have to say, after this experience I would not return to a Secrets.  ANY Secrets.   It's too risky.  It would be a complete gamble.   I'd rather put my money in a trusted, reliable brand.  If a Grand Suite on Royal Caribbean costs about the same as a Secrets vacation, there is zero reason to pick Secrets.  Royal Caribbean provides a reliable product. You know what you are going to get.

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Seven - Hmmmmm.....

Things on the service side have continued to improve.  It's amazing the impact a good old firing can have.  There are still some glaring issues.  The Seaside Grill is much improved but remains the weak link in the bunch.

The other services issues remain.  For example, I've been to the front desk five times.  four of those were negative experiences.  The only time it was decent was when an employee named "Maria" waited on me.  She actually smiled and was helpful!

There is another thing that really concerns me and could be a factor behind the poor service.  Many of the employees have been working six to seven straight days.  That would be bad enough but it appears that some of them work over 12hrs a day.  It's no wonder they act like they don't care.  The only way someone can work like that, is when they contract like a cruise ship.  It's not easy, but the prospect of having three months of paid time off can be very motivating.   It's possible that the employees here have a six months on, three months off kind of deal, but that seems really unlikely.

It's also possible that they are working the grueling hours to get the resort off the ground.  Many of the staff have name tags that say "Training" on them.  I don't doubt that Secrets had to do a big purge and a big hiring.  That's what's happens when you take over a failed resort.

The one stand out thing that I will give this resort is are the grounds.  They are very nice.  They've done a great job keeping them up and you can see the workers all over the place.

If nothing else you can hide under an umbrella and enjoy the view.  On the downside, there are few available and they fill up fast.  If you want any kind of decent shade for the day, you'll need to get out there before eight in the morning.  That's a tall order for most people on vacation.

The weather has been great.

If you feel like walking, you can walk all the way down the beach in both directions.  Down the far side, near the other resort, you will find some mangroves that you can walk through.  I know they are not true mangroves, but who'd want to walk through them?

It's a neat area to check out.

As a side note, for anyone who is from a culture where going topless is common, if you want to, you can sunbathe topless.  They will not stop you.  There is a French lady that has been out sunbathing every day....No....I am not going to take photos!  Don't even ask!  There are no boobies on this blog!

Well...okay.  If you really want to see some boobies....

A lovely pair of boobies.

Come to think of it....the bar service guy seems to be over there a lot.  She never has a hard time getting a drink.  Hmmmmm....

Secrets Play Bonita Panama: Day Six - The Man In the Green Shirt

He's a tall Mexican man with an athletic build.  He carries himself with an air of confidence and people react to his presence.  He's a man on a mission.

I have yet to speak with this man, but I know why he's here.  I've heard from other guests about him.  Secrets shifted gears, terminated the food and beverage manager, and sent in one of their own from Mexico.

I've never seen one person have such a sudden impact.  Look at my review of lunch from yesterday.  I was a joke.  It was hard to find anything good about it.  Six hours later we ate dinner at Portifnio.  It was like visiting an entirely new restaurant.  We ate here on day one.   We cannot compare the experience we had on day one with this one.  The change was too dramatic.

The service was what you'd expect from a Secrets.  The wait staff was attentive and did a good job.  They still don't always respond when you thank them, but some of them did.  The food is now the low point.  Not that the food is bad, but the new food and beverage manager will need to address it.

What is the problem with the food?

It's not always consistent and the descriptions on the menu do not match what is delivered to you.

For instance, guess what this is:

Looks like a chocolate covered cake, right?

According to the menu, this is a Sambuca fruit salad.  What this really is, is a kind of mint custard covered in chocolate.

That's not the only example of getting food that isn't even close to the description on the menu.  When you order here, the food isn't going to be terrible, but it's not going to be what you ordered in most cases.   You'll need to do some trial and error to find out what means what.

It'll be interesting to see if the man in the green shirt has an impact on the Seaside Grill.  So far that's been ground zero for spotty service.

Considering the impact one man has had, Secrets needs to send in a general manager.  The problems here go far beyond the food and beverage service.

On a somewhat positive note, the phone is finally fixed.  It took three days and three complaints, but it's fixed.  The IT guy came up and worked on it for over an hour.  In the end he had to move it to a new jack and reconfigure it.  At least it's working now.

While he was working I noticed something really annoying.  Someone before the IT guy, knew the phone was busted.  It had been intentionally unplugged and left where it was.  Super fun time!

Secrets Playa Bonita Panama: Day Five - Lowered Expectations

Things continue to be laughably bad at times.  The low point for today was trying to get a room service order card for breakfast.  We hit the front desk, asked for one, and were told it would be delivered to our room.  Two hours later we gave up and went to bed.  This was also the second time we complained about our phone not working.

Indeed

For dinner we went back to Bordeaux.  Part of me wanted to see if the diarrhea on a plate was a one time occurrence.  This time when we sat down, there was no American rock playing.  Instead we got to enjoy some lovely house techno, because nothing says French cuisine like techno.

To our amazement, our waitress, Anjimara, was a Secrets caliber employee.  She was friendly and professional.  She apologized for taking a long time to come to our table initially, and was attentive after that. We even had our wine glasses refilled, Wow!  It took five days to find two Secrets caliber employees.

More about service later.  Now onto the food.

About half of the things that are placed in front of you look appealing.  You already saw the Baby Barf and Bacon soup.  That represents the other half.

This is an example of the good half.  It doesn't mean it tastes good.  That's another matter.  At least it looks like someone cared.  This is the endive salad, it's a little bland but not bad.

Another thing that surprised me this night was the Coq Au Vin.  I had low expectations when ordering it. When it came, I still had low expectations.  It did not look appealing.

I don't want to say what it looks like.

This turned out to be the best thing I've ordered so far.  The meat fell off the bone.  Too bad everything couldn't be this good.

To finish off, I had to do it.  I had to order the poo on a plate.  What I got wasn't quite as bad as when my wife ordered it, but it was still unappealing. 

Mmmmm....poo on a plate...

So what is that?  On the menu, it says it's molten cake (with a peanut butter filling) and raspberry ice cream.  Sure...seems legit!

One - there is no peanut butter on this plate, just a ball of something somewhere between a mildly chocolate cake and cookie.  Two - that's chocolate ice cream.  Three - that's a smear of raspberry sauce.  

Breakfast the next day was surprisingly good.  Why?  Balbino was our waiter!  We got coffee and juice!  He even checked in with us!  Holy testicle Tuesday Batman!  Someone, call the five o'clock news!  We got service at breakfast!

Well, lunch made up for that.  Our waiter was friendly but didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.  I mean he seriously served like someone pulled him off the street and told him to wait tables.  We got water - once.  One drink order and that was it.  I gave up, walked out of the restaurant, and up to the bar to get a drink.

Another couple we've run into a couple of times ended up talking to one of the managers that Secrets imported.  Apparently, this place shut down for a month to train the staff.  The manager then threw the people of Panama under the bus and blamed them for having poor service skills.  

Jokes on you.  I was the trainer. 

I did some research and found what I feel is one of the main causes for the staffs' awful skills.  Panama has an unemployment rate of 2.5%.  In other words.  No one here gives a crap.  They have job security.  If they get fired, they will easily find another job.

In a case like that, the employer has to be willing to lower the profit margin.  Higher pay only does so much.  You need to instill a recognition program.  If a guest mentions you on any kind of positive feedback, you get a small bonus.   It doesn't have have to be monetary.  It can be as simple as a paid day off or other free stuff.  The bottom line is simple.  You have to find a way to make the employees care about their jobs.  Right now they mostly seem to hate being here.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Four - Meh

The inconsistencies and short comings continue to abound.  I wanted to wash my bathing suit and then hang it to dry.  I quickly found out that the clothesline in the shower is busted.   It's simply amazing how many things in our room are broken.  None of them are major, but they leave you shaking you head.

In some ways it's worse to find out that some of the rooms have far more amenities, without being in a different price range.  I wish that was a joke.  Some of the rooms have built in iPads that allow you to order room service and other things.  Our phone doesn't even work.

You might wonder why we haven't complained about the issues we've run into.  I have a few reasons for that.  First, there are so many things that they are inexcusable.  If there was only one or two things, I'd report it.  Second, from my experience so far, if we did report it, nothing would happen.  The level of service offered here is shockingly low.  

After speaking with a few of the other guests, I've quickly discovered that Secrets Playa Bonita has a general rule. You are guilty until proven otherwise.  Our check in made that abundantly clear.  The way the staff has treated us has backed that up.

Now, we did mention to one of the ladies in customer service, that our phone was broken.  She did nothing.  I mean NOTHING.

Yeah that's about right.

Last night we hit the outdoor, roving, Panamanian buffet.  It was possibly the best food we've had so far.  A third of it was mediocre, a third average, and a third good.  By this place's standards, that's outstanding.

One thing that really stood out was one of the sauces for the meat.  It was a fiery habanero sauce that would set your mouth on fire.  It was one of the best things I've had since being down here.

One thing I've imagined to make the time at this place a little easier is to picture one of the many "residents" as replacement staff.  It's a stupid Disney fantasy, but it makes me smile.

What on Earth am I talking about?

I keep imagining these guys delivering drinks and waiting tables.

Your waiter - Mr. Pelican

A vigilant lifeguard.

He mixes a mean gin and tonic.

He's grumpy but he knows how to cook a steak.  Just don't ask for the crab legs.

Your friendly entertainment staff.

How bad is it that you have to daydream about animals serving you, while on vacation?  How bad is it when you start to think that they could do a better job?

That's mean and one sided.  I said it once and I'll say it again.  The problem with the staff is training.  They really need to shut down for a few weeks, train everyone, and get all the rooms up to snuff.

We did find a way to get our mini-bar stocked.  We stock it!  Hazzah!  Yeah...we ask for two bottles of water and two cans of beer before going back to our room.  That sometimes works, depending on whether the bar has water or not.

You read that right.  Multiple times they have been completely out of water.  You better not ask when they will have some either!  You'd be better off bending over and shoving your own head up your bum.  You'd be more likely to find good service in there.

Earlier I said that you are wrong until proven right here.   This place doesn't understand how polices should be applied.  Everything is black and white.  The rules are the rules and they are not bent or broken!  You shut your mouth and do it!

For instance,  someone was asking if he could get a plate of food to take back to his room.  Step back and think about that request.  Sure, why not?  What's the big deal?  So what happened?  They told him he had to sit down at a table to get food.  End of the discussion.

Exactly!

There is no flexibility here.  There is no outside the box thinking.  Instead of seeing how a request is acceptable, often they try to find how it's against the rules.

This place makes me think of thing.  A clip from a long time ago.  A clip where Whitney Huston defiantly told the world to....smooch a certain part of her anatomy.

She must have worked here at some point.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day Three - Grump Cat's Delight

The third day has to be better, right?  Any place that calls itself "Secrets" can't maintain a level of service that low....or maybe they can.

The resort looks amazing.  Just check out these photos.


Looks can be deceiving.  The phone in our room, busted.  One of our electrical outlets, busted.  The minibar - doesn't close properly.  On top of that, many small things are missing.  For instance, our room did not have a guest directory, a do not disturb placard, never had the room service placard replaced, never had the mini-bar refilled, is missing some light fixture coverings, the door to the room isn't a uniform fit, the caulking in the bathroom looks like a drunk monkey did it, and the door to the shower doesn't stay closed, so water gets all over the place.  Also, pray that there is no fire, because all the emergency signage is gone.  It looks like it was ripped off the door.

Now for another missing thing.  There is no tissues.  I know I can blow my nose on toilet paper, but this is a Secrets.  Even a Motel 6 has tissues! (UPDATE - My wife found the tissues.  They were off to the side, stuck in an alcove, in a decorative box)

You might think I'm nit picking, but I'm not.  Nit picking is focusing on one or two small issues.  This place has more issues than I can count.  All the little things add up to a place that is not up par.

Dinner was another fun experience.  We went down to the Seaside Grill, hoping it was better than the lunches we had there.

My wife ordered a medium New York Strip.  She got a London Broil that was well done.  After what I'd seen I figured I should avoid standard beef.  I went with the short rib.  I got a bone with some gristle and fat.  There was maybe four bites of meat on it.

My wife and I both ordered the garlic soup.  We both got the soup, but mine had a bread stick in it.  Hers did not.  How does that even leave the kitchen?

At least I could look forward to desert, right?

They asked if we wanted desert, when we said "yes," they said we were getting the brownie and ice cream.  Forget the menu, that's all they had.  The place had only been open for dinner for about two hours and had at least another three to go.  A bet a lot of people were happy last night.

When the brownie and ice cream came, only one came.  I need a friend of mine to help me adequately imply how I felt.

Thanks bud!

 I should also mention the drink service.  The lady came over and asked for our drinks.  I realize that most of the staff doesn't speak English well.  This lady was exceptional bad when it came to English.  My wife switched to Spanish.  It didn't help.

My wife ordered a Mojito with no sugar.  The lady didn't understand.   After a prolonged, confusing discussion, my wife gave up.  The lady turned to me.  I ordered a beer.

What did we get?  Two Mojitos with what looked like extra sugar.

Thanks again bud!

Jump ahead to breakfast.  We braved the Market Cafe again.  There was no possible way it could be worse than the first time, right?

Yes I was right this time.  It did take nearly 15 minutes to seat us.  That's pretty amazing for a buffet.  In the end we actually were waited on and got coffee!  Twice!  Woot!

I'll take this moment to single out one of the very few bright spots so far.  It's a guy named Balbino.  He's a nervous looking, short guy who seems to be the friendliest person here and actually responds when you say "thank you."

One thing that might be helpful to anyone coming here - pack salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.  None of the tables have those.  You might be tempted to ask, but the service here is so slow, you might not get it before you finish your meal.

I'm trying not to complain about the slow service, but it's really slow.  I mean super slow.  I mean this gut could serve twice as fast:

My name is Sclomo and I'll be your server tonight.

It's not the staffs fault either.  At any given meal, it looks like poorly controlled chaos.  I think a lack of training plays a HUGE part.

That's been the story so far.  Poorly trained staff, working their butts off, at resort that is far below par.

Secrets Plays Bonita Panama: Day Two - Adapting to Mediocrity

I left off yesterday after breakfast.  Maybe our first full day would improve?

I wish.  Granted it didn't get any worse...not that I think that could even be possible.

For lunch we hit the Seaside Grill.  It was actually open this time and we could order off the full menu.  We actually got the app that they said we couldn't have the day before.  It wasn't really worth the wait.  It wasn't bad, it was just a bunch of small baked / fried things with a dipping sauce.

I will say that the Cesar chicken wrap I ordered was decent, even if the fries that came with it reminded me greatly of the cheap fries they served back in my school days.

It's a good thing the wrap was good, because I gave half of it to my wife.  She ordered fish tacos.  The fish was supposed to be battered and fried.  It was battered and partly fried.  The batter wasn't cooked and the fish was raw.  Yumminess.

So on a side note -  we have discovered that if you like beer that tastes like beer and not water, order Balboa.  Atlas is your next option.  Unless you like water beer - avoid the other options.  Now if straight alcohol content is what you want, Balboa has 4.8%.  Atlas has 3.8% .

Balboa Beer

Now as far as swimming goes - I'd avoid the ocean water.  Most of the time the whole beach is red flagged.  They consider that a high risk, but not enough to close the beach.  I can't tell if they do this because of liability or if the water is actually dangerous.  The pools are really nice and not heated.  That's a good thing in Panama.  The sun heats them enough.

There are two main pools.  The loud, bar pool, which has a number of attached pools and the quiet pool.  They call them the Main Pool and the Relaxation Pool.  The funny thing is, you can tell this place is a retrofit.  The Main Pool has this odd one foot deep pool.  I think that used to be the kids pool.  Secrets doesn't allow kids, so now adults drag seats into it.

For dinner we hit Bordeaux.  That's the French restaurant....that plays old school American Rock.  Very French.  Overall the food was decent, with a few exceptions.  First - if you order beef you get to pick between medium or well done.  I didn't see well done but I can tell you that medium for both my wife and I was rare.  I mean seriously rare, not just under cooked.

Bordeaux

The French Onion Soup tastes good, but it's not baked (at least it shows no signs of being baked) and it has no cheese that I could see.  So in other words...it's not French Onion Soup.  It's like Campbell's Onion Soup with a biscuit in it.

Desert was funny.  I ordered a tart and got a hard wafer with goo on it.  My wife ordered the "lava cake" thingy.  I call it that because it was this tiny little cake in a shot glass next to a puddle of chocolate diarrhea.  I'll order it next time and grab a photo so you can see it.  I guess it tasted good, but was possible the most unappetizing thing I've ever seen.

Breakfast day two!

I skipped it.  I went hiking through the jungle instead.  I had zero desire to repeat the misery of the day before.

So you can walk through a nice buggy path in hot and humid conditions too!  It's a great way to lose about ten pounds of liquid weight!  It wasn't really that bad, but unless you like to hike or love exercise, it's hard to say trek is worth the effort.  There wasn't a whole lot to see.

Well, here is what you can see:

It doesn't really look this good.  This is the result of zooming and editing

A Panama Tree (I'm super excited!)

The Far Beach - Great place if you want privacy.

I believe this is a Coati

A Two-toed Sloth.  I call him Schlomo.

Jump ahead to lunch. We hit the seaside grill again (Not like you really have a choice).  We both ordered the Greek salad.  It was a salad with no olives, no feta, and a drizzle of indistinct dressing.  Yum!

I ordered the buffalo wings too.  They were nice and spicy.  The sauce wasn't terrible either.  It's nice to note though, that they were crazy messy.

My wife ordered a burger that was overcooked, but pretty good.  I ordered the pizza.  It looked and tasted like a microwave pizza.  Actually, I've had some microwave pizza's that were much better than this.  This is the nasty microwave pizza they served in grade school.

Another side note - for anyone worried about the weather - it hasn't really rained yet.  It's also been around 90F each day.  That's not as bad as it sounds because there is a constant breeze that keeps it feeling cooler.  The sun is MUCH stronger than in the Caribbean.  You will burn very quickly.  My wife and I have avoided that so far, but there are a lot of walking lobsters here.

Secrets Playa Bonita: Day One - Welcome to Misery

I've now been at Secrets: Playa Bonita Panama for roughly 24 hours.  Those hours include our transfer to the resort, the check in process, our first night, and our first breakfast.

So how does it stack up?

First off let me say this:  Secrets is a chain of resorts run by AMResorts.  Secrets is the no kids, higher end, all inclusive resorts.  Typically they are in the top third when it comes to all inclusive resorts.  

Also to note:  Playa Bonita has only been operated under the Secrets name for a few months.  I believe that explains a number of things, as you will see.

I've long been a critic of out sourcing if you take no responsibility for the end product.  Case in point is what we went through upon arrival in Panama.  Secrets does not offer transfers from the airport to the resort.  Instead they refer you to Gamboa Tours.  

The process for booking the transfers was not fun.  It included faxing information.  In this day and age that alone makes you stand out as behind the times.  Despite that, they seemed nice enough and fairly responsive.  We didn't have any concerns off the bat.

Jump ahead to Panama!  We navigate the miserable and poorly signed airport and to customs.  Now, I will warn people about something.  This is not the US.  Do not expect US customs.  This is different.  They are going to take a photo of you and record all of your finger prints.  Some people would be freaked out by that, so be prepared.

You get through customs and to the baggage claim.  After you have your bags, they collect your customs declaration and x-ray your bags.  It seems odd.  If you could get something past all the other security you've already been through, what are the odds they are going to find something?

Once you are past that round of security, you enter the area where all the taxis and pickups are.  Like Gamboa said, someone was right there holding a sign with our name on it.  (so far so good, right?)  Sadly that's where things fell apart.  The first thing the lady does is apologize to us (that gives you a good feeling). She tells us that the way they scheduled the bus, we'd have to wait "a while".  She told us to take a seat by the rental agencies.

I sat down and then got up about five minutes later.  I wanted to know what "a while" was.  I approached the lady and asked if we were talking an hour or two, or what.  After all, if it had been a two hour wait, I would have demanded my money back and gotten a cab.  My paperwork said they were going to pick up at 2pm and drop me off a the resort at 2:45.  

She quickly told me that the plane she was waiting for was already on the ground so maybe 10min or so.  In my head I automatically doubled that so I wouldn't be disappointed.

45min later, she came and got us.  Needless to say, we were already annoyed.  According to our paperwork, we should have already been at the resort.  We group up with a bunch of other people and then fight our way through the packed terminal to a waiting bus.  All of us sit down and wait... and wait, and wait.  Finally she shows up and said that she's missing two people who were on the same plane.  She took off to find them.  Great.

We wait, and wait, and wait.  Guess who shows up?  The lady and the two people....and six others.  Apparently they were breeding like rabbits.  You can't leave those pesky tourists alone for ten minutes!

Finally we get underway.  She gets on a microphone, turns it up to 11, and spouts off an on the fly tour.  Before she really got going, she said that the trip should be much faster than usual since it's not a week day and the traffic won't be bad.  She actually said, it might only be 25min.

25min later I realize that this lady has no concept of time.  I'd never made the trip before, but I researched it.  I knew that at the 25min mark, we were barely halfway there. 

Okay so enough about the transfer from hell.  I blame Gamboa for that and shake my head in disapproval at Secrets.  Don't refer people to a transfer company that incompetent.

Time for the check in!

Transitioning from the bus to the resort was handled well.  The guys doing the luggage seemed competent (and ended up being some of the most competent).

While waiting in line, the staff did as much as they could to speed the process up.  They then came through and handed us some champagne.  (Cool beans, right?)

Our turn to check in came up.  Thus begins one of the worst vacation experiences of my life.

Everything goes well until they ask to see the credit card I booked the room with.  I pull out the card that is tied into that account.  Not good enough.  They need to see the ACTUAL card.  That poses a problem.  That ACTUAL card was compromised and automatically blocked by the bank to prevent fraud.  I explain that.  They don't care.

I try to get pull up my statement on my phone.  Too bad!  I had never accessed my account on that phone.  Even with Wifi, I can't get in.  Being in a foreign country, I can't text the security code back without inuring an expense.  They don't care.

I ask if they can call the bank.  They do.  It takes the lady a while but she manages to connect to my bank.  They tell her that it's the same card and that they see the charge on the account.  Guess what...they don't care.  They want to see something physical.

At this point my wife asks if there is anything that can be done,  The lady shrugs.  What kind of a reply is that?  Guess what my wife did?  She went into dragon mode and demanded to speak to someone else.

I pull up my Tripit Confirmation!  That would work right?   Nope.  Not good enough!

Before I go further, let me outline what Secrets has in their hand:

1. Both our Passports.

2. A rep from the bank saying that it's the same account and that they see the charge paid.

3. The confirmation email that shows the total amount paid.

4.  The credit card assigned to that account.

Two different supervisors come over and hem and haw over it.  Their offer is to put a hold on our card for the full amount of the room (not the deal amount we paid for it) and then see if the booking office can do anything in a couple days when they are open again.  That would involve us putting our vacation on hold when Monday hit.

Thankfully, the girl at the bank broke the rules for us and emailed us the credit card statement that showed the transaction.

Check in time - 1hr.  Annoyance level - considering writing off Secrets for life.  At the very least we totally wrote off going to the spa or the private dinner.  We were not spending a single extra dollar after putting us through that nonsense.

We finally get to our room.  It's not bad, but it's not up to Secrets standards (look for the upcoming room review video).  There are no snacks in the mini-fridge.  That was a bummer for us because we hadn't eaten since breakfast.

We quickly get changed and go looking for food.  That's never an issue at a Secrets resort.  Ha! Surprise!  This just became a Secrets resort, so you can shove it!  There is only one place open.  We head over there.  The lady struggled big time when it came to communicating.  She said they were not open yet.  We pushed and found out that it was open, but only for appetizers.  Good enough.

We sit down and order an app.  The app we picked wasn't an option.  She said they didn't have it (super).  We order some nachos instead.  

While we wait for the nachos, we see a seemingly endless stream of burgers, pizza, chips and dips, and a number of other things not on the app menu pour out of the kitchen.  (Grrrrrr).

We get our nachos.  They were on par with the nachos you'd get at a ball park, but they had some weird stuff that looked like liquefied boogers.  Yes....that was their guacamole.  I've never seen guacamole like that before.  I never want to see it again. 

After a few beers and other assorted drinks, we headed to dinner at Portofino.  That's their Italian dining location.

The food tasted good, but it was ugly.  I ordered pasta e fagioli, a soup with pasta and beans.  I got a soup that looked like baby vomit with a piece of bacon floating in it.  See for yourself.

Behold!  Baby Barf and Bacon Soup!

The place was obscenely loud.  That make me look around to see why.  There was no themeing, no decorations, and only hard surfaces.  It seemed half finished. 

Portofino

We finished the meal off with Tiramisu.  At least that's what they called it.  It was not Tiramisu.  My wife called it Tiramisu flavored cheesecake, minus the lady fingers.  Great way to end that night.

Good morning!

Time for breakfast!   We head to the Market Cafe.  It's the only option for breakfast.  It's terrible.

We get seated at a table with one napkin (on one side) and one coffee cup (on the other side) and wait, and wait, and wait.  No one comes so we just get up and get food.  No one showed up while we were eating either.  We never got coffee, which was good since they only had one cup on the table.  We never got water.  We never got napkins.  The people seated next to us (and after us) got service.  We never did.

Market Cafe

On a side note.  Market Cafe is Portifino.  They just shove you through a different door.

Why is it so bad?

First - you can tell the staff was never trained.  They have no concept of classical service.  They make a tooooooonnnnnnnn of mistakes.   They avoid eye contact with you.  They do not respond when you say thank  you half of the time.  Most of them act like they do not want to be there. 

Second - The place is not a Secrets.  I know it has the name, but it is so far below the curve, it actually drags the Secrets name through the mud.

Helpful Tips

Do not try to get a drink outside.  There is only one bar.  It's a small bar.  It has to handle the orders from all the roving servers, the dining location right next to it, and ALL the outside guests.  It's a stupid setup that leads to HUGE backups.

Instead, wait till 11am and go to the inside bar.  It's much less crowded.

Do not go to the buffet for dinner if you want a table for just you and one other person.   It's a group style buffet.  You will have to sit with people you don't know at large tables. 

Do not expect good service.  The people work hard, but don't have a clue.  They have never been trained.  

Do not expect Secrets style amenities.  They do not exist here.  For instance - nothing is self serve.  There are no water coolers all over the place.   Expect nothing and you might be happy.

DO NOT pay rack rates for this place.  Do not pay over $200 a night for this place.  You will be disappointed!  Secrets can charge a premium at Jamaica and some of their other resorts, because they are worth it.  This place barely hits the industry average.

The Anthem of the Seas Storm: An Interview

As you may have heard, Royal Caribbean’s Anthem of the Seas decided to leave port late last week, despite the fact that 30ft seas and gale force winds were predicted.  The results have been all over the news.

Now what you might not know – My in-laws were on that ship.  It was their wedding anniversary.  To put it mildly, they will not forget this anniversary.

Below are some of their comments.  They sent us updates via Google Hangouts, since RC gave everyone free wifi during their torturous journey.

 

CMDTA - When did you first realize something was wrong?

The seas were rough, but we didn’t think much of it.  Then on Sunday afternoon we were told to go to our staterooms and not leave until we were told otherwise.  That was around 4pm.  Another announcement came to let us know that we could eat and drink anything in our mini-fridges at no cost.  Things escalated quickly.  The seas went from bad to awful.

CMDTA – One of you was in the Navy.   Did this compare to anything experienced there?

It’s hard to compare.  This was possibly the worst storm I’ve ever been through, but the ship was a lot larger.   It doesn’t matter if this storm didn’t have a name.  It packed winds of 120 miles an hour and the seas were crashing almost halfway up the ship.   This was a hurricane.   It was so bad, we were afraid that the furniture on our balcony was going to shatter the glass from getting tossed around so much.  We were too afraid to open the door to bring it inside.  It was that bad outside.

CMDTA – How long were you stuck in your stateroom?

From about 4pm Sunday evening to nearly Noon the next day.   All we had for food and drink was what you could find in the mini-fridge.  That amounted to a lot of sugar, junk food, alcohol, and a small amount of water.  At least we didn’t want to eat or drink much.  If you did open a drink, you could not put it down.  The ship was pitching so bad it would have tipped right over.

CMDTA – What happened after the storm?

They finally let us out of our staterooms, but only one dining room was open.  The ship was a total mess.  The ceiling was collapse in some place, there was broken glass everywhere, and furniture was scattered everywhere.  It looked like a warzone.   To try and appease everyone, they opened on bar for one hour and gave free drinks.

CMDTA – There were over 4,000 guests on board.  They opened ONE bar for ONE hour?

Yes.  That was it.  Most people were too sick and tired from not sleeping to even think about leaving their staterooms.

CMDTA – When did they tell you that your cruise was canceled?

You found out hours and hours before we did.   They told us nothing.  We noticed that the sun was setting on the wrong side of the ship.  That scared us a little.  We thought something was wrong with the ship.  Finally, hours later they told us that they were heading back because of the forecast.  We had a good laugh over that.

CMDTA – So you went back and got off right away?

No.  We sat out at sea off the coast of Rhode Island.  They couldn’t get permission to dock right away.  It took them a while to get it ironed out.

CMDTA – When did you hear about compensation?

When you told us.  They said NOTHING.  You found out long before we did.  That was the theme.  They never told us anything.  We were kept in the dark most of the time. 

There you have it.  A firsthand account of what it was like to be stuck on the Anthem in a hurricane.  There is one thing I’d like to point out.  I want to drag RC on the carpet for their “returning due to the forecast” claim. 

I DECLARE SHENANIGANS!

That is a bold faced LIE.  The FORECAST didn’t stop you from sailing directly into a hurricane.  Anyone who steps back and looks at things realizes why you headed back early.  You had a ship full of people you had to refund.  On top of that, you offered them a 50% credit on a future cruise.  You had to find a way to cut your losses.  Your brand new ship was so banged up, you could not sail again it its current state.  By your own admission, it sustained cosmetic damage.  From the photos coming off that ship, it was some severe cosmetic damage.  You wanted to get back to port and fix it up before you had to cancel ANOTHER cruise.  Limping back to port and kicking all the people you tortured  off, gave you a shot to be ready for the following week.

Stepping back – you screwed up bad, but I can’t help but think that Carnival or NCL wouldn’t have offered as much in compensation.   It still doesn’t make it right.  Next time bite the bullet and make the right call up front.

World Killer Special Edition Is Back!

I finally got around to turning the cleaned up version of World Killer into the Special Edition.  The Special Edition has more than 60 photos and links to help the story come alive.

It's available on Amazon now.

Changeling Has Been Released

Changeling is now live on Amazon!  It's the third and final book of the Unity Trilogy.

You can get it here.

New Video - Walt Disney World Explorer

I've posted a new video to YouTube.  Anyone who remembers the old Walt Disney World Explorer will love this one.  I pulled a bunch of the clips off the old CD-ROM and patched them together.  This thing is a trip down memory lane!

If you don't know what the WDW Explorer is, it's a CD-ROM that Disney released back in the mid 90s.  I developed a real cult following, but sadly we never saw a second one.  The internet killed any plans for a squeal, even though the WDWE had a lot of really cool features that wouldn't work well on a website.