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Friday, April 3, 2009

I’m Not Fat, I’m Big…Ah who am I Kidding…

There are many depressing signs that remind you that you’re steadily getting bigger and bigger. One by one the notches on your belt recede. Of course that’s not because you’re gaining weight it’s because your belt is shrinking. There is also the fact that you have to buy your pants in a bigger size. That’s not your fault though because they just make them smaller now. The number on the scale keeps going up. That must be because my scale is broken. I should really replace it. Then there is the fact that you have to buy bigger shirt sizes. Everyone knows that’s because it’s more comfortable, after all as you get older you’d rather be comfortable than fashionable.

Did you know Disney rebuilt some of their ride vehicles and made them smaller?

Splash Mountain is a good example. When I was 16 my friend and I use to like to sit in the front row of Splash Mountain. We knew that was the driest seat in the house. You might laugh and think we were nuts. We weren’t. The front row is the only row with enough space to duck! We used to duck down and all the water would fly over us and nail the people in the second row.

My guess is Disney discovered this and made some adjustments to the logs. I know this because on my last trip my wife and I got stuck in the front row. I thought “No problem! It’ll be just like old times!” Well when we descended the final shoot I discovered that that Disney shrank the logs on me! I couldn’t duck anymore. Thanks to those jerks I got soaked! Of course it had nothing to do with quarter keg that sits in my lap now.

I should sue Disney for not putting up a disclaimer that says they shrunk the logs! That would be the only reasonable thing to do. People need to be warned about these kinds of things. That reminds me; they shrunk the cars on Space Mountain too! I use to be able to get a bunch of clicks on the lap bar. Not only that I use to be able to move around. Not anymore. Once I pull the lap bar down there is no moving.

Another thing that annoys me – the turkey legs are smaller. When I was younger I couldn’t finish them. Now it’s a breeze. Couldn’t they have found a better way to increase their income?

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