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Monday, November 8, 2010

Disney to Ban Ugly People from Its Parks During 2011

In a shocking move Disney has banned ugly people from its parks for 2011. In a press release that no one saw or read, Disney stated that their new promotion “Let the Memories Begin” was a little short sighted.

“We didn’t realize until it was too late the impact this promotion could have,” stated Disney spokes-animal King Louie.

He went on to explain “We told everyone that if they were in the parks there would be a chance their picture could be displayed where everyone could see it.  We forgot that there are some who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

While testing the technology Disney discovered that unless they filtered the photos to remove some people, it actually drove people away.  They also discovered that they could influence the crowds by posting certain photos. 

Here were the results they observed when posting certain photos:

The Cousin Mickey Doesn’t Talk About – People became physically ill and children started crying.  Some people fled the parks in terror.

Lou Mongello – People ate everything that wasn’t nailed down and loved everything.  In fact there was not one complaint about food while his photo was posted.

Len Testa – Everyone stopped waiting in line and started following different pre-printed plans. For some odd reason, tequila sales increased by 1,000,000% during this timeframe.

Mike Scopa – Everyone signed up for the next marathon and starting giving people with young children dirty looks.

Matt Hochberg – Dinosaur shut down due to lack of interest. Animal Kingdom posted a record low attendance and DHS had to shut the gates because it hit its capacity.

Van @ Netcot – Everyone started reciting their top seven favorite things in Disney World.

Jim Hill – Blu-Ray sales dropped and digital copy sales skyrocketed.

Nathan Rose – Blu-Ray sales skyrocketed and digital copy sales plummeted.

Pete Werner – People went on rants about random subjects.  Cast members were lauded for their hard work or lambasted for not caring.

Ricky Brigante – In one hour, guest relations received 100,000 requests for Alien Encounter to be brought back.  There were also a ton of requests for all Halloween celebrations to be made permanent.

If the ban remains in place a class action lawsuit can be expected.  Already a new group has been formed in response to the ban.  “Ugly People Outraged Over Prejudices” (UPOOP) has already collected over 20,000 signatures and is planning a large scale protest.

Only time will tell if the ban remains in effect.

I hope this goes without saying but this is a fake news story.  King Louie is not a Disney spokes-animal.  Orangutans can’t even talk.  None of the test results (except the CMDTA one) are true. Please do not try to join UPOOP.  It does not exist.

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