The Burping Troll of Walmart

Anyone who wants to read something Disney related might want to skip this post. In past posts I’ve mentioned the “Burping Troll of Walmart.” Some people might be wondering what on Earth I’m talking about. Well I’ll explain. The following story is not a joke, it’s not exaggerated, it is unfortunately a true story.

The Burping Troll of Walmart is an employee at the Portsmouth, NH Walmart located on Lafayette Road. It (I’m not saying if it’s a man or woman to protect the guilty) normally works the express checkout lane.

One day I was shopping at Walmart and only had a few items, so as most people would, I used the express checkout lane. It was my turn to check out. I looked at the “associate” and was taken aback. I don’t even know how to begin to describe what I saw. It looked like the lady from who played Momma Fratelli in the Goonies if she had abused heroin her entire life. She could have also passed as some unnatural cross between a human and a shaved bulldog. The only time I’ve really seen anything like it is in the movies or a video game. The naughty part of my brain wanted to take a picture because on one would every believe me.

Now you know why it is a “troll.” But why is she a burping troll? Let me continue with my story. After I got over the visual shock, I greeted the troll and got no response. I figured she was just having a bad day. After all if I looked like her I think I’d be having a bad day every day. As she was scanning my stuff it burped. Now I’m not talking about a small muffled burp. I’m talking about a wet, nasty, very audible, belch. It was the kind of burp that could have been followed by mouth wiping. I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know if I should asked if she was ok or stay quite. I figured I should stay quite because it may have slipped and I didn’t want to make an awkward situation even worse.

The Troll finished scanning my items and I swiped my card. It asked me something. I can’t remember what it was because she had barely finished speaking when a second, equally disturbing burp, bellowed out of its mouth. Forget about not reacting. The guy behind me in line burst out laughing. I tired not to breathe because it sounded like it was a stinker. I grabbed my bags and got out of there as fast as I could.

I see the troll from time to time. Whenever I do I get into another line. I don’t care if I only have two items and the only other option is getting in line behind the mother ten with three hundred dollars in groceries, I’m getting in that line.

You might not believe me. You might figure that there is no way this could be a true story. If that’s so then I challenge you. Go to the Walmart in Portsmouth, NH and go to the express lanes on the grocery side of the store. You’ll know it when you see it.

Finding a Gem

Every now and then I run into or experience something that really surprises me. It can range from things I run into in my day to day life (like the burping troll of Walmart) or things you experience while traveling (an airline employee who is actually helpful).

On my first trip to Disney World over 20 years ago (when I was a little poo flinging monkey) it was everything. When you’re a kid everything blows you away. Over the years different things struck me and most of the time is was something I almost skipped.

First on this list was Splash Mountain. Before I went on this ride I did not like rides with drops or any kind of thrill ride (It’s not weird a lot of kids don’t). Splash Mountain became my favorite ride. Every time I hear the music now it brings a smile to my face. I think one of the reasons this stands out is because you experience it with your entire family and can walk away with a picture of it. The picture on this ride stands out. The Tower of Terror has a decent photo but most of the time it includes a lot of people you don’t know. Other rides may not show your entire group. The amount of people in the picture on Splash Mountain seems to be the right balance.

Next is the ExtraTERRORestial Encounter. This ride blew me away. It was the perfect match for a fifteen year old. It had effects that were so new I’d never experienced them before. The tap on your head, hot breath on your neck, and crazy sound effects left a lasting memory. They should have taken your picture when you got tapped on the head. If you are going to be poked or prodded on a ride it has to be done right. This one was perfect. It’s not like the “It’s Tough to be a Bug” show. That one goes over the top. The poke in the back is just unpleasant even if it is funny to see how parents start running for the exit with a screaming kid after.

I rode Body Wars shortly after it opened. You can imagine that I was quite young then. I’d never ridden a ride like that. I was amazed. I also thought it was funny that it made my dad sick. He could ride anything and not get sick but that really got to him for some reason. I loved the storyline too. It seemed solid or at least it worked for me. Sadly at times there are some rides that come out now that are a little lacking in the storyline or don’t even try.

It’s not a ride but the Hoop Dee Doo Review is memorable no matter what age you are. I was very young the first time I went to the Hoop Dee Doo. It’s one of the few attractions that seems to get better with time. Each time this show has amazed me. The first time when I was a kid my dad got picked to be the Fairy God Mother. A few times later I battled my brother in law and a friend of mine in a rib and chicken eating contest. My brother in law won but he had to lay down at the bus stop because his stomach hurt so much. I was pulled out early because I got picked to be the Indian on stage. By the time I was done my brain told me how full I was and I couldn’t eat my strawberry shortcake. The last time I went, it had been about eleven years since I had seen the show. My wife thought it was going to be corny but went with me after I told her about the “all you can drink” beer or wine. I forgot how funny the show was and how involved the actors get with the show. I was completely charmed again.

Mexico is hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Walking in there when I was a kid I was overwhelmed. I just thought wow. The Imagineers broke the mold when they did the Mexico pavilion. It really seems like you are in an open air market at night. The Pyramid in the background is awe inspiring. The restaurant on the river is worth the money just because of the setting.

I was not going to go on Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor. My wife and I were walking by it, saw there was no line, and decided to give it a shot. I was shocked. It was really funny. They do an amazing job at actually making the show funny. At first I thought it was going to be mainly for kids. It’s not. It’s funny for everyone. Most of the people they pick out of the audience are adults too. If you have avoided this ride in the past, don’t, it’s a very fun experience. On second thought, if you’re weird looking avoid this ride. They’ll probably pick you out tease you.

Citricos…Where’s the Burping Troll When You Need Her?

Every now and then you go somewhere that is just amazing. Amazing can be good or bad. I only heard good things about Citricos. That should have been a warning. I should have thought “it can’t be that good” but I didn’t. Because of all the hype I planned it for our last night in Disney World. It was a memorable meal. Memorable like when you were a kid and someone farted at the dinner table, ruining everyone’s appétit.

Citricos was not good. The atmosphere was ok. I wasn’t impressed but it wasn’t bad. We got stuck in some far corner by a pillar but I wasn’t there for the atmosphere. The food was ok but I wasn’t amazed by anything I had. I even went out of my safety zone and tried some different stuff in hopes of finding a gem. I didn’t find any gems that night. I did however find some really over priced food. To be honest if I wasn’t on the dining plan I would have been a little upset. For the price, the food was not worth it.

The service was bad! You have a waiter and an assistant. The assistant was great. He was attentive and tried hard. It wasn’t easy for him because he struggled a little with English, but you could tell he really wanted to be helpful. Our waiter introduced himself, brought our food, and we never saw him again. I wish there had been a way to tip just the assistant. I guess I could have tried to slip him some money and left nothing at the table but that just seems sneaky.

Our waiter obviously didn’t care in the least. He was more than willing to let his assistant do all the work and then swoop in and collect the tip. You might be thinking that it’s the system. That, if you have a situation where you have a waiter and an assistant this would promote such an attitude. I’ve been on a number of cruises. Most cruises use this format in the dining room. It’s always worked and led to great service. The system works but any system will fail if you get a lazy individual who just wants to take advantage of someone else. I’ve had better service from the burping troll who works the express lane at Walmart (long story). It was a disappointing end to our final night in Disney World. You’d like things to go out with a bang not a fizzle.