After last month’s incident near the Tower of Terror in Disney’s California Adventure in which a belligerent, violent drunk was pepper sprayed in an effort to keep him from hurting other people, Disney has decided to review its security policies.
After reviewing its policies and after considering the outcry that came from the many people who viewed the YouTube video and declared themselves experts on what transpired, Disney has officially made changes to how they will hand such situations in the future.
As of March 1st, 2012 Disney stopped equipping their security with pepper spray. Instead they will now carry bamboo canes.
Bamboo canes have been shown effective in other countries as a way to punish those who transgress the laws. In fact Disney is simply joining a long held tradition in some Asian countries where people convicted of minor crimes are severely beaten with canes.
To ensure there is no misunderstanding Disney has determined that thorough beating with a cane is acceptable in the following situations.
· When a drunk starts beating people up.
· Anyone who records an incident while turning the cameras to themselves for stupid comments no one wants to hear.
· Anyone who repeatedly yells “There are kids here!” or a similar comment instead of removing their kids from the area.
· When a flock of teens are harassing families.
· When someone is inappropriately dressed and it offends other people.
· When one person holds a place in line for a group of other people.
· When a person is caught cutting in line.
· When a person is caught passing gas in a crowd and the said person just doesn’t care.
· Anyone who is abusing a cast member over a minor issue in and effort to obtain free services or a refund.
· Anyone caught stopping in the middle of a walkway for no apparent reason.
· Anyone who does not control their children and allows them to touch or harass other people.
· People caught exhibiting excessive displays of affection in public.
Anyone who rides Stitch’s Great Escape will also be beaten with a cane but not as a form of discipline. The beating will be issued to help distract them from the pain that is inflicted from that ride.
Many experts agree that this move will greatly reduce the unwanted shenanigans that often plague the Disney theme parks. Theme park operators across the globe are paying close attention to the impact of this new policy and are expected to adopt similar policies in the near future.
If you could not tell this is a piece of satire. The above post is a joke based on recent events.