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Monday, February 23, 2009

The Burping Troll of Walmart

Anyone who wants to read something Disney related might want to skip this post. In past posts I’ve mentioned the “Burping Troll of Walmart.” Some people might be wondering what on Earth I’m talking about. Well I’ll explain. The following story is not a joke, it’s not exaggerated, it is unfortunately a true story.

The Burping Troll of Walmart is an employee at the Portsmouth, NH Walmart located on Lafayette Road. It (I’m not saying if it’s a man or woman to protect the guilty) normally works the express checkout lane.

One day I was shopping at Walmart and only had a few items, so as most people would, I used the express checkout lane. It was my turn to check out. I looked at the “associate” and was taken aback. I don’t even know how to begin to describe what I saw. It looked like the lady from who played Momma Fratelli in the Goonies if she had abused heroin her entire life. She could have also passed as some unnatural cross between a human and a shaved bulldog. The only time I’ve really seen anything like it is in the movies or a video game. The naughty part of my brain wanted to take a picture because on one would every believe me.

Now you know why it is a “troll.” But why is she a burping troll? Let me continue with my story. After I got over the visual shock, I greeted the troll and got no response. I figured she was just having a bad day. After all if I looked like her I think I’d be having a bad day every day. As she was scanning my stuff it burped. Now I’m not talking about a small muffled burp. I’m talking about a wet, nasty, very audible, belch. It was the kind of burp that could have been followed by mouth wiping. I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know if I should asked if she was ok or stay quite. I figured I should stay quite because it may have slipped and I didn’t want to make an awkward situation even worse.

The Troll finished scanning my items and I swiped my card. It asked me something. I can’t remember what it was because she had barely finished speaking when a second, equally disturbing burp, bellowed out of its mouth. Forget about not reacting. The guy behind me in line burst out laughing. I tired not to breathe because it sounded like it was a stinker. I grabbed my bags and got out of there as fast as I could.

I see the troll from time to time. Whenever I do I get into another line. I don’t care if I only have two items and the only other option is getting in line behind the mother ten with three hundred dollars in groceries, I’m getting in that line.

You might not believe me. You might figure that there is no way this could be a true story. If that’s so then I challenge you. Go to the Walmart in Portsmouth, NH and go to the express lanes on the grocery side of the store. You’ll know it when you see it.

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