My journey of movie sadomasochism continued this week when I
sat down watched The Lone Ranger. As I did so, I tried to maintain a positive
attitude. I tried to put abominations
like John Carter out of my mind. My positive attitude lasted about two
minutes.
When the credits rolled I found myself facing an enormous
challenge. How does one sum up, what is
wrong with this movie? After I few
minutes it occurred to me. This is the
only way to sum up The Lone Ranger:
“Ruth Wilson was great.”
Why is that the perfect way to sum up The Lone Ranger? Because, it
is literally the only positive thing I can say about this festering pile of monkey
feces.
Trying to explain why this is such a bad movie, is like
trying to explain how bright the sun it.
Unless you see it for yourself, you will never quite understand.
I’m going to list a few of the worst aspects. Keep in mind that what I am going to list is
a minuet fraction of the actual issues this film has.
Tonto: Tonto’s role in this movie is offensive,
foolish, and discredits the original character.
The only thing more offensive than Tonto, is the fact that Johnny Depp
is playing him. Casting Depp in this
role should be ranked as one of the biggest casting mistakes in the history of
film.
The Lone Ranger: I hated this guy. I wanted him to die so the movie could
end. Giving this guy the tile of The
Lone Ranger is disgusting. This is not
the Lone Ranger! Everything about this
character was wrong.
Writing: I harp
on this a lot. There is no excuse for a
story to be poorly written. There are
plenty of talented, creative writers out there who could craft an excellent and
exciting plot. I scratch my head and
wonder how a plot this terrible makes it to paper. The only explanation I could come up with
was that someone with too much power, and too little talent forced his ideas
through. The plot of this movie is so
bad it makes you want to cry. I can
honestly say that it was so bad I sat down and penned out an outline that would
be far superior. It took me less than
five minutes.
Violence: This
really angered me. The Lone Ranger is a disgustingly violent movie. In my opinion, it should have been rated
R. The number of people who die graphic,
violent deaths in this movie is shocking.
This is without a doubt the most violent movie Disney has ever
made. If I had brought kids to this, I
believe I would have walked out. This is
not a family movie my any stretch of the imagination.
Legacy: This
movie has crippled the genre. It’s a
blight on anything called a Western. It
took a beloved subject and characters, and crapped all over them.
I hope The Lone Ranger
serves as a lesson to all the studios out there. Invest more in your stories. Don’t take something from the past, throw
some actors in it, and dump it on the public.
If you are going to remake anything, make sure it’s a quality
product. Thanks to Disney’s horrific
efforts in this movie, The Lone Ranger
is unlikely to ride again. If he does,
it’ll most likely be decades from now.
It’s going to take a long time for the stench of this movie to dissipate.
