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Monday, September 20, 2010

I’m Not Abused…I Went to Disney World

Disney is the best vacation destination on Earth. Every year millions of people ride the rides and watch the shows. Few of those people realize that they are about to subject themselves to a punishing regiment.

Some rides are nice and relaxing. Then there are the rides that you should not let your kids ride a day or two before a doctors appointment. We hear the normal warnings all the time but the warnings just don’t do reality justice. Here are the rides that will beat you senseless:

Primeval Whirl: The ride carts were designed for four kids, four midgets, or four anorexic adults. They were not designed for four medium to large people. Squishing yourself onto this ride combined with the g-forces it pulls results in bruising at best and cracked ribs at worst. That is not a joke. My wife cracked a rib on this ride.

Dinosaur: This ride will toss you around like a raccoon in a dryer. You can easily get bruised by smacking up to the person next to you. It’s also designed to blow your back clean out. This is the worst ride for people with bad backs.

Kilimanjaro Safaris: If you are sitting on the edge some of the pot holes will bounce you off the side of the truck. This will result in bruising or an aggravated back.

Malestrom: You might be wondering how someone could get injured on this ride. Just before you go over the falls the ride switches your track. This is jarring. If you are already touching the side you are going to get a bruise.

Space Mountain: Even with the track updates this can be a rough ride. Parts of it sill like to snap you around. It’s padded enough that you won’t end up bruised but you could get your back adjusted for free.

Tom Sawyers Island: YES TOM SAWYERS ISLAND! If you have a bad rafter driver and he bangs the dock – bruise! If you don’t pay attention in Injun Joe’s cave - bruise! If you don’t keep your head down in the escape tunnel – concussion! If you try to walk the barrel bridge when a flock of teenagers hit it – multiple injuries!

World Showcase: You must think I’m on drugs for listing this. You’d be wrong! Try walking World Showcase with inappropriate footwear. I know you’re not supposed to but everyday some idiot does it and ends up at first aide with blood blisters.

There you go. A nice list of things in Disney World that will leave you black and blue, with a blown out back, a concussion, possible broken bones, and unable to walk. Sounds like fun! I can’t wait to go back.

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