A tourist collapsed and died while touring Epcot last week. According to our sources the tourist, who suffered from severe allergies, sneezed so hard his head exploded.
Why the tourist in question thought it was a good idea to visit the Flower and Garden festival is currently being debated but it should serve as a warning to other tourists to check the event calendar prior to booking a vacation.
“At this point we feel that this tourist was one of what we call the 90% Group,” a Disney World representative, who happens to be a talking donkey, stated.
The representative went on to explain, “All of our guests fall into one of a few categories. You have 1% who might be mentally ill. Those people not only plan everything down to the second, they refuse to use a travel agent because they can’t give up that kind of control, and they know every detail about Disney World. Those people could tell you how much water is used per minute from toilet flushing. It’s truly insane.”
“The next group consists of 4% of our guests. We call them the commandos. They plan out every last detail about their trip. They may or may not use a travel agent. However, they do not spend every waking moment of their lives studying useless Disney facts like the first group.”
“The third group represents about 5% of our guests. These are the ones who do some research, use a travel agent, and avoid the pitfalls common to people who do no research. This group knows they are on vacation and do enough to ensure it will be enjoyable without killing the rest of their family in the process.”
“The final group reflects 90% of our guests. These are the people who see our ad on TV and think it would be fun to go to Disney World. They do not use a travel agent, they do no research, they pay rack rates, they have no idea how anything works and someone in their party ends up having a total breakdown at some point during the trip.”
At this point it seems very likely that the tourist in question was a member of the 90% group. However, there are a number of other theories making the rounds on the internet. Some feel that he was trying to commit suicide while making it look like an accident. Some nut jobs feel that a government sniper shot him from a hidden nest on top of Spaceship Earth. Finally some truly demented individuals feel that aliens exploded a mind probe they had implanted in him years ago.
When asked if the body had been claimed by the family Disney stated “No comment.” This odd response seemed very out of place so I did what I do. I looked into it.
According to some unreliable sources the body of the tourist was sold to Universal.
One might ask, “Why would you sell a corpse to Universal?” The answer turns out to be very simple. Finding good props for Halloween Horror Nights can be very difficult.
If you did not know (which would be astonishing at this point) - this is a fake news story.