Tuesday, January 27, 2009
HOLY POO FLINGING MONKEYS! It’s Dark Wing Duck!
When I was young the best part about going to Disney World was seeing the characters. I had the autograph book and was always on the hunt for characters I didn’t have. There is nothing wrong with that. I think most kids do that. In time you leave the autograph book at home and might get a picture or two with a character. Some people however never grow out of the character hunt period of their life. If you see a character in a park, chances are there is an adult who has a rather unhealthy obsession lurking nearby.
When it comes to characters there are some things I can and cannot do. First of all I can’t go near a face character (aka no mask). The reason for this is simple. I step out of my shoes and look at all angles. One – most face characters are attractive woman. Two – you have to be close to get a picture taken. See the problem? You normally put your arm around a character when you have your picture taken. I’d feel like a total pervert doing that with an attractive woman I didn’t know. Even though they get used to it, I bet they feel the same way. On the flip side if you stood a couple of feet away that would be even more uncomfortable because then you’d end up with an awkward photo your friends could laugh at for years.
I’d really like to know the shelf life of a face character. I bet it’s not long. I bet most of them quit or get fired. How many times can you get groped naughty kids or sketchy adults before you go bonkers and start hitting people? When you think about it, how many sweaty (or stinky for that matter) people do you have to hug before you just want to blow chunks all over the place?
The only face character that you could get me to take a picture with is Mary Poppins. Not just any Mary Poppins. It has to be the rare one. You always see Mary Poppins in the white dress with the big hat. To me that’s not Mary Poppins. Where is the Mary with the black outfit and the umbrella that’s not a sun shade? The one you see through out the movie? That’s the one I’ll take a picture with. Before you start laughing and say I have a Mary Poppins fetish, I should explain that Mary Poppins was my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid.
Normal characters are a little different. Because they have that big old mask on it’s not as creepy. Ok so maybe to some people it’s ten times as creepy but the fact is I don’t feel like a pervert getting my picture taken with them. Although for all I know the Burping Troll of Walmart could be hiding in that suit. Fact of the matter is, you don’t know. I wonder if they found a really short person or use a child for the small characters like Donald. If that’s true, image who they find to be Sully. Do the Disney HR people go around looking for freaks? Do they put out ads that say “Looking for fre…cast members! Must be under 5’, or over 6’5” tall. Must like kids and have a…felony free criminal record. Opportunity for advancement to circus performer or movie extra if you last three months.”
There is something funny I’ve found with the normal characters. People collect them, pictures of them that is (at least I hope that’s all they are collecting). There are websites dedicated to finding them. Some are easy to find while others are very rare. Some you can’t find anymore because they have been shelved and long forgotten. Like the character in the photo with this post. Who on Earth is that? I asked everyone in that picture and no one remembers.
For all the hardcore fans who haven’t been able to find Smee and Captain Hook, I can help you out. Every night about thirty minutes before the fireworks in the Magic Kingdom, they appear at the Contemporary. They lead lines of people who paid to go on the fireworks cruises. Just go to the pier at the Contemporary and you see them. Ugh…I fell like I’m feeding someone’s addiction.