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Friday, July 25, 2014

Movies You Didn't See: The Lone Ranger

My journey of movie sadomasochism continued this week when I sat down watched The Lone Ranger.  As I did so, I tried to maintain a positive attitude.  I tried to put abominations like John Carter out of my mind.  My positive attitude lasted about two minutes.

When the credits rolled I found myself facing an enormous challenge.  How does one sum up, what is wrong with this movie?  After I few minutes it occurred to me.  This is the only way to sum up The Lone Ranger:

“Ruth Wilson was great.”

Why is that the perfect way to sum up The Lone Ranger?  Because, it is literally the only positive thing I can say about this festering pile of monkey feces.

Trying to explain why this is such a bad movie, is like trying to explain how bright the sun it.  Unless you see it for yourself, you will never quite understand.  

I’m going to list a few of the worst aspects.  Keep in mind that what I am going to list is a minuet fraction of the actual issues this film has.

Tonto:  Tonto’s role in this movie is offensive, foolish, and discredits the original character.  The only thing more offensive than Tonto, is the fact that Johnny Depp is playing him.   Casting Depp in this role should be ranked as one of the biggest casting mistakes in the history of film. 

The Lone Ranger:  I hated this guy.  I wanted him to die so the movie could end.   Giving this guy the tile of The Lone Ranger is disgusting.   This is not the Lone Ranger!  Everything about this character was wrong.

Writing: I harp on this a lot.  There is no excuse for a story to be poorly written.  There are plenty of talented, creative writers out there who could craft an excellent and exciting plot.  I scratch my head and wonder how a plot this terrible makes it to paper.   The only explanation I could come up with was that someone with too much power, and too little talent forced his ideas through.  The plot of this movie is so bad it makes you want to cry.  I can honestly say that it was so bad I sat down and penned out an outline that would be far superior.  It took me less than five minutes.

Violence: This really angered me.  The Lone Ranger is a disgustingly violent movie.  In my opinion, it should have been rated R.  The number of people who die graphic, violent deaths in this movie is shocking.  This is without a doubt the most violent movie Disney has ever made.  If I had brought kids to this, I believe I would have walked out.  This is not a family movie my any stretch of the imagination.

Legacy: This movie has crippled the genre.  It’s a blight on anything called a Western.  It took a beloved subject and characters, and crapped all over them.


I hope The Lone Ranger serves as a lesson to all the studios out there.   Invest more in your stories.  Don’t take something from the past, throw some actors in it, and dump it on the public.  If you are going to remake anything, make sure it’s a quality product.   Thanks to Disney’s horrific efforts in this movie, The Lone Ranger is unlikely to ride again.  If he does, it’ll most likely be decades from now.  It’s going to take a long time for the stench of this movie to dissipate.